9/13/2006

My Toyota and me

Toyotas are amazing cars. They run forever. Toyotas are a freakish triumph of mechanical engineering. Sometimes I contemplate subjecting my Toyota to various traumas to see whether it would survive. Maybe I'll put some sand in the gas tank or light it on fire -- in the name of science. I'd enjoy finding the physical limitations of this fine automobile. Maybe I'll enter my Toyota in a tractor-pull. Sunday, Sunday, SUNDAY... See LBB's Toyota Corolla tow 40,000 pounds with nothing but sand in the gas tank and the engine lit on fire. Tickets available at Ticketron.

My Toyota mystifies and sometimes frightens me. Late at night I sneak into my garage and pop the hood. I'm looking for evil spirits that make the car go with their black magic. I haven't found any spirits yet. But once I lubricate my garage door so it doesn't squeak and sound a warning, I'll catch those little, Japanese evil spirit bastards. I won't harm them. After all, they're making my Toyota run and whatnot. Why ruin a good thing just because I don't understand it? I'm comfortable with the unknown and mysticism.

American and European cars have gremlins in them who labor to fuck things up. Those gremlins are first-rate saboteurs. They often deploy wads of bubble gum and super-glue for gumming up the engine and critical components. This is why GM's and Ford's stock are in the shitter. Like a Rock. If I owned an American car or a European shitbox car, I wouldn't bother changing the oil or tuning-up the engine. The gremlins are too smart for those tricks. They'll outflank you with a wad of Big League Chew in the crankcase. Instead I'd spray the motor down with bug poison. Choke on it, Bezilictine the Gremlin. Once the gremlins are dead, your car will run great, unless you failed to kill all the gremlin eggs. I'm a big believer in preventative maintenance.

Or you can just buy a Toyota. People who drive Toyotas don't worry about gremlins. Their biggest worry is dreaming up what dumb-shit, dangerous feat they're going to put their Toyota through next just because they can. Oooh, I just thought of something I can do. I'm going to race my Toyota through a firework factory in New Mexico -- after I light the Toyota on fire, of course. I'll have to check whether my insurance has a firework-factory clause. If they do, I'm cancelling. Anyway, I'll drive it just like those guys in The Fast and the Furious did. That movie, by the way, is realistic -- as long as all the featured cars are Toyotas. Otherwise it's just pure crap. How about Vin Diesel in that movie? “You owe me a 10-second car.” You owe yourself a bath and a better agent, Vin Diesel. Really, what an asinine request. Where could you possibly drive in 10 seconds? It takes me 10 seconds to find a station I like on the radio.

Back to my Toyota. It has a spoiler on the back. You've got to keep all that power on the ground, folks. I've got 1.8 liters of super-efficient, Japanese thunder under the hood. Fast. I'll have you know that with the accelerator pinned to the floor, if the left rear tire rolls over some gravel or a puddle of water, it'll break traction. Power. It even scares the evil spirits when I do that. I've chirped it a couple of times. Suck on that, Vin Diesel.

Look, I could go on and on about my Toyota, but you get the idea. Buy one and let it all hang out.

41 comments:

Latigo Flint said...

No LBB, you're the triumph of mechanical engineering... you're the triumph of mechanical engineering goddamn it.

This was a beautiful post by the way, even if you are encouraging people to not buy American, which would be a hanging offense if I had anything to say about it.

(But damn if my Echo doesn’t just run forever and never need a tune up and gets such great mileage that the guy at the station must believe me dead by now.)

mist1 said...

I've always wondered about the people with spoilers.

tornwordo said...

My uncle's corolla has 280,000 miles on it. Original engine.

The best car I ever owned was a toyota pickup. I drove that thing for 7 years and then sold it for two grand less than I had bought it for.

Magic!

Peter said...

Sounds like you're preaching to the converted Bugs, I must say I've had a couple of damn good Toyotas too.

Elaine said...

My husband, a midwesterner and an OBVIOUS Ford fan, was wrangled into buying a Toyota Tacoma when we first got married.

Every month he would anxiously await for the ol' Toyo to break down in a couple months (like all Fords and GMs loyally do) and found himself with a bunch of time on his hands when he realized the Toyo Ninjas did all the maintenance for him.

He's a Toyota fan now. And shunned by his peers.

Linda said...

I had a Toyota once...a Tercel...loved that little beast with all my heart! She had 95,000 miles on her when I traded her in for a (UGH!) Ford Windstar minivan. I blame it all on my ex. He wanted more room, and "needed" his truck for work. We divorced and I kid you not, a year later that bitch died on me...still owed 11K on it too!

so, we moved to Korean cars: Hyundai. Just as good as Toyota, but CHEAP, which is my current (and last) hubby's middle name. When it came time to trade in HIS POS Geo, we got another Hyundai. We expanded our family and moved to Kia for their minivans...but had Hyundai made a minivan in '03, we'd have one of those too. LOVE Asian cars.

Miss Cellania said...

I don't know about Corollas, but Camrys are built here in Kentucky.

I used to drive a Supra. Loved that car. Now there's no way I could afford a Supra.

Rick said...

Ran my '83 Toyota pickup to 305,000 miles. It only died because I let it sit for a year and all the seals failed.

Raggedy said...

We had a toyota sitting in the weeds for years.. When the gas crunch came we rolled it out. Some tires and a little muffler work and the toyota is again on the road for us..
I wrote a post for you on Friday I hope you get a chance to hop over and read it..
Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=':'=) hugs
(")_ (")Š from da Cool Raggedy one

Dawn (webmiztris) said...

never had a Toyota. had a Subaru, which I LOVED, until a drunk driver totalled it (no, it wasn't me!). love the idea of driving the lit-on-fire car through the firework factory...lmao

NWJR said...

"Sometimes I contemplate subjecting my Toyota to various traumas to see whether it would survive."" Ugh. You'd think putting a spoiler on it would be trauma enough. I'm disappointed in you LBB, because I always thought big spoilers were a sign of compensating for a deficiency in another area. Don't destroy my illusions...I'm assuming you just have a little one?

(A little spoiler, I mean).

:-)

You're going to have to change your opinion on American cars, because Toyota's going to build the Camry in Lafayette Indiana, and Georgetown Kentucky. Heck, according to Toyota, "Almost 60% of the Toyota brand vehicles sold in the U.S. during 1996 were built at its plant in Georgetown, Kentucky (Toyota Motor Manufacturing, Kentucky, Inc.), or by New United Motor Manufacturing, Inc. in Fremont, California."

You probably drive an Amur'can car after all, LBB. Be proud! After all, if you don't support American manufacturing, you're just helping the terrorists!

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Yeah, I know. Toyota will be manufacturing in the USA. Yay!

Melonie said...

I had a Toyota Celica and LOVED IT! Towed a Ford F250 out of the mud with it! Then had half a dozen kids and had to get rid of it. I watched my brother drive his Toyota Tercel (the bottom of the barrel Toyota) through (read: under) a creek and it kept going. I think they are indestructible. Did I mention I LOVED and miss my Toyota?

Oh great One said...

I luva luva luva my Toyota. It takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'. Wait that's my watch. Anyway it runs fantastic!

jali said...

I have a 1989 Mazda mx6 and Guy (his name) is the best car in the world!

I was at 309,000 miles a year ago in August when the odometer stopped working, I drive about 40 miles per day to work and may drive 30 or so on the weekend. My point - he takes a licking and keeps on ticking.

I f***ing love my car

Evydense said...

Yup...Toyota Celica owner here up till a few months ago. Bought it in 1985, rolled it within the first 6 months I had it. The shop guy thought it should be written off, but the insurance company said go ahead and fix it. $10,000 later and it was working as slick as snot in a doorknob. Ran it for 21 years...I'll be heading out next week to buy a Honda Civic.

Fathairybastard said...

I'm lookin' at gettin' an '03 Solara as we speak.

Sharon said...

You should be a spokesman for the company.

Bennet said...

I hope the fembots are that durable.

Becky said...

Well okay then, I'll get a Toyota. I had no idea that I had gremlins in my Ford.

C said...

Gremlin. Magwai was so cute.

Greg - Cowboy in the Jungle said...

I like Yotas, but after 105000 miles in my Nissan Xterra, You couldn't pay me to switch!

I do all (or as much as feasable) of the maintenance myself. That way I KNOW it was done right. No minimum wage, X-Box junkie, pot head is gonna put his grubby stumps on my ride. How do you think I got it this far?

MIA said...

WELL, I'm still driving my PACER and it has over 340,000 miles on it. It also doubles as a greenhouse.

A 3 series for me. No prroblems ever, oops hope we just didn't jinx ourselves for the gremlins

Fathairybastard said...

A PACER! Wow, that's awesome.

Mr. Friendly said...

Camry. Eight years old. Same muffler. Same ignition. Same motor. Same radiator. Same brakes.

Before that, Ford. Replaced distributor, brakes (3x), exhaust. All in 6 years.

As they say, the choice is easy.

jules said...

My Honda is the same way. It's almost 20 years old and runs and runs and runs. Must be your Toyota's cousin...or illigitimate brother.

MIA said...

Yup,44... uh, is that a bad thing? you can visit if you doubt.

Danke Shane said...

Y'know..I damn well have to agree with you. My Ford has more evil little hooligans in it than a travelling circus. Maybe I'll set mine on fire just to show thos bastards a lesson. Go, full insurance!

Heidi the Hick said...

I KNOW HOW TO DESTROY YOUR TOYOTA.

Sprinkle some salt on it. It'll oxidize in minutes. Just a little pile of rust.

Yeah I know, it'll still be running. Dang it.

I can solve all your problems though. It's called Volkswagen. Spend the money now, drive it for fifteen years. Our 03 Jetta has about 150 000 Km on it and all we've had to do is brakes. It gets 1200km out of a tank of diesel. My grandkids are gonna drive it to work some day.

But I'm a hick so I say screw you, CARS, as I monster truck all over you in my Sierra! bwahahaha!

mcBlogger said...

my last car, recently sold to a very lucky older gentlemen, was a 1992 Toyota Corolla. I got bored waiting for it to die, so I sold it, little tank that it was. I always had that "My Sherona" song stuck in my head as I tooted about town in it. Only I sang..my my myyyy WOOOOO, my Corolla !!!

Something to think about:
FORD stands for..
Found On Road Dead
Fix Or Repair Daily
Fucked Over Rebuilt Dodge.

Dave Morris said...

I had a Toyota Camry and it was one of my favorite cars... I never had to do more than change the oil, it ran like a... um, like a... you know, something that really runs!

Nölff said...

I drive a Honda now, but the last Toyota I had I drove to the beach without the oil cap (I'm dumb). I heard an explosion about 20 after I got to my destination. Oil was everywhere. I took a taxi to the nearest wall-mart to get some oil and a cap and I never had any problems from that. They are made from sunshine and magic.

Softball Slut said...

I drive a ford now and the Gremlins do run my engine, but when they break something, they fix something else. They broke and fixed my ac all by them selves. I need to start leaving little offerings to them.

ShellyBean said...

I must agree, I sell Toyotas - they are the best!

Miss Understanding said...

I have to say after owning domestic shitake I am very VERY pleased with my Toyota that starts with an "L" and would suggest them to anyone who wants a car that lasts and lasts.

Mine has 194667 miles on it and I always say she will run until at least 350K.

Oh and for those shopping Toyota, you can read the lettle sticker on the inside of the drivers door to find out if your Toyota was built in Japan, Kentuky or Mexico, yes I said Mexico.

nongirlfriend said...

Hondas are good, too. I miss mine sometimes, but I do love my Baby Red!

Ari said...

Toyotans represent!!

I have crashed my RAV4 quite a lot, and it's still running, as a testament to this post.

Still, I'm thinkin of swapping it for a sweet sweet Prius.

kari said...

I have a zippy little Nissan. Remains to be seen exactly how zippy when the snow flies.

RC said...

hum? I've wondered about that gremlin in my american car :-)

Spinning Girl said...

But how is the cup holder?

Lazy Lightning said...

My land cruiser was a pretty sweet yota. 180,000 miles on it when I sold it, and I am sure the new owner will run it about 180.