9/26/2006

Never run out of bullets

  • I just bought a19-inch windscreen monitor. I especially like the widescreen feature. All the girls' boobs are higher and wider -- just how you want them.
  • I wonder if we'll ever become comfortable enough with the idea of death that we bring our dead relatives' corpses to the taxidermist for stuffing. I'm not kidding. I'm serious. Consider how we save pictures and other mementos of the deceased. We cherish these items once they're gone. Why not hold onto the real thing?
  • Computer technology: Computers keep getting smaller. Monitors keep getting bigger, so our systems take up the same space. Chips keep getting faster but software keeps growing heavier. Hardware keeps getting cheaper but we spend the savings shopping online with the affordable computer we just bought. Computers are increasing our productivity but we burn the saved time blogging and surfing. This is why computers are wonderful toys, but they don't make any progress.
  • The only difference between soup and stew is the amount of water in the can. The only difference between Yasmine Bleeth and Pamela Anderson is the amount of cans in the water.
  • Hiking the other day, I pointed to a nearby insect and shouted to my wife, "Look. It's a walking stick." The insect retorted, "Hey look. It's a hiking homo." So I stepped on the little bastard.
  • Remember the good old days when anti-Semitism was a bad thing?
  • Speaking of ethnic hatred, I've been waiting for an effective, vulgar slang for white people. We've got cracker and honkey, but those are actually pretty cool. Say this aloud to yourself right now: I's a crazy crackah, yo. See? It sounds cool. I like it. In fact, I'm thinking of renaming my blog The Crazy Cracker. The whole point of a derogatory epithet is the objective person not liking it. Hopefully the government has commissioned a study on this so we can finally get our hate-word.
  • Years ago I would have bet everything I owned that as time passed, Richard Greico would become way bigger than his 21-Jumpstreet costar, Johnny Depp. I also predicted Will and Grace would be cancelled during its first season. This is why I don't gamble. Incidentally, think how much better the world would be if my predictions above were true. Greico for President!
  • How come you can sleep without wetting or crapping the bed, but you still fart with reckless abandon? You'd think that while you're in sleep mode, the valves are either on or off.

43 comments:

Miss Sassy said...

I have to comment on the last bullet, only because I thought the very same thing - except for Sleep Mode was replaced with Sex Mode... if the body won't let us pee on each other, why oh why can we dutch oven the sheets mid coitus?

not that it happened to me last night, it was just a thought I had.

Anonymous said...

I just checked for you Bugs "thecrazycracker" is available as a blogsite but now you've mentioned it on your blog it'll probably go quickly.

C said...

I think your valves are on overdrive. Hiking homo! Do you think he meant it that way? Poor stick bug. Your new derogatory name is damn bug killer. What about whitey - isn't that uncool - kind of like being called a gross pussy pimple - a white head. Not that I want to say that - just a suggestion mind you.

Anonymous said...

omg, the human taxidermy idea is freakin CREEPY! lol then again, animal taxidermy is pretty damn creepy too....*shudder*

mist1 said...

I have no problem with taxidermy. I've been mounting animals for years.

Heather said...

The ruminations on computer technology are brilliant.

Evil Genius said...

What you said about computer technology is right on the money -brilliant!!

And I'm cracking up over here about the insect comment.

Now I'm off to fart with reckless abandon. LOL

tornwordo said...

I dunno, spouse has shit the bed a couple times, lol.

And I like the water-slash-cans bullet.

NWJR said...

Better to have a stick underfoot than one up your ass, I always say.

Actually, I've never said it. Before now, that is.

Anonymous said...

Johnny Depp has kept his good looks over the years. Richard Greico, not so much. Somebody should have taking him to the taxidermist as soon as Jumpstreet went out of production.

Mr. Friendly said...

Um, no one else craps the bed?

Just me, huh?

Dammit!

rachel said...

Oh my god, there is tooo much here, it just all jumped at me, and I got all confused and bewildered.
OK so with the last one:
I agree with you, but what if you fart, and you feel there is going to be more on it's way out, that is the point at which you wake up.So can the body differentiate between fart and the other?

jali said...

You are my wise man on the hill. If I have important life's questions that I need an answer to, I'm coming over to visit (and expecting refreshments galore).

Miss Cellania said...

My brother's new iMac is just a flatscreen. The actual computer fits inside a FLATSCREEN. It makes my Mac Mini look bulky! Technology is blurring the lines between a desktop and a laptop.

And I still have friends who look at my setup and ask "Where's the tower?"

Violet said...

walking sticks are creepy. one less in the world. good for you.

mcBlogger said...

I think hate-words only evolve because the people they describe don't like it. I'm sure if enough "white folk" hated being called white, and enough of a fuss over it, we too could have our own hate word. I can see it now...

Your so white...
No, I'm pigment-challenged !

Anonymous said...

I remember watching a skit (possibly Chapelle) where Niggers were a snack-food.

"You're throwing a party? You got crackers? Can't have a party with crackers. Boy - you better get yoself some niggers for this party..." or something like that.

Suzanne said...

The Crazy Cracker...
I like it! It works for you LBB.

Ginamonster said...

Hey, Hiking Homo, I almost laughed milk out my nose on that one. and yes. I was drinking milk. and eating cookies. and it was goooood.

I refuse to take responsibility for anything I do in my sleep.

Scottsdale Girl said...

I prefer to be called "ecru" thanks.

Becky said...

Holy shit, 21 Jump Street was the shit!

Crazy cracker is a great name!

Heidi the Hick said...

I never ever watched that goofy 21 Jump street show. I thought that Johnny Depp was too pretty. I was NOT gonna get on that train.

Then I saw Edward Scissorhands. See, that's the difference. Can you imagine Richard Greico as Edward Scissorhands? Can you? You can't! See and that's why.

MIA said...

White ethnic slang: hmmm how about, paste faced fucker

Never worry about poopy pants in bed again.. adult diapers..duh

Yasamin said...

my mom and I made funeral arrangements long time ago!

She wants to be paper mache'd and set out in the living room.

I want a full viking funeral. I want to me sent out to sea on a wooden raft then have flaming arrows shot at me from a good distance while the song Eulogy by TOOL plays over a loud speaker. :)

life is grand.

Spinning Girl said...

I like the idea of human taxidermy. You can bet if there's cryogenics, then some crazy honky somewhere is already stuffing people and just advertising by word of mouth so as not to get his operation shut down by THE MAN.

I would enjoy being made into a stuffed version of my formerly alive self. Of course, following the cardinal rule of taxidermy, I would have to be posed doing something way scarier than I ever did in real life, like skydiving or buying processed cheese food at WalMart.

Fathairybastard said...

Mmmmm, widescreen cans. Very nice. And I think it's the hateful actions that go along with the words that make the words more hateful. You can call me a cracker all day so long as I still make more money than you. The one that I've always thought was hilarious is Jigaboo, but if I was Black it probably wouldn't sound that funny.

Elaine said...

Greico always look like he wore eyeliner...which was creepy but now that i think about it, he would have been a better fit Pirates of The Carribbean, they would have saved money on the make up artist.



Crazy crackah.

That DOES sound good.

You Caucasians people get all the breaks.

Melonie said...

You are the Crazy Cracker!

Linda said...

the last comment did it for me...I had to deal with that last night from my hubby...sound asleep, farting the night away...LOUDLY mind you! Guess that sphincter isn't quite as tight as it could be - must be relaxed muscles or something....

Danke Shane said...

Greico was much more hip than Depp. I mean, the guy made wearing a bandanna cool again (Axl Rose stole his gig!)and brought the trenchcoat/open-fingered gloves look the masses. Richard: If you are reading this, get yourself together and make your comeback! Lifetime movies are below you!

jules said...

You jut get MORE twisted every post. I love it.

jules said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Purring said...

I just watched a show about how you can now freeze dry your animals so that you can keep them with you for eternity. Kinda ew.

Oh great One said...

I'm sorta fond of Honky myself. When you use it on yourself it takes all the fun out of it for everyone else!

Anonymous said...

That's intersting that your mention both Yasmine Bleeth and Richard Greico in the same post - they used to date each other apparently.

nongirlfriend said...

Because farts have a mind of their own. That's why.

Ari said...

Ah, the wonders of the body.

Yasamin said...

whatever you're freakin doing, you need to stop now and post something hilarious. You know why? because damnit i need a laugh right now.

go on... hop to it.

;p

Anonymous said...

Ummmm...you don't piss or shit the bed at night?

Hmmm.....I think I may need to give my doctor a call. ;)

Steve~

sans said...

I can't believe people even stuff animals, nevermind other people.

Random Musings Of My Life said...

Ok some crazy lady found a bird in her yard 4o years ago and put it in her freezer, well then she took it out and called the newspaper and it turns out its the last of its kind.
Sick people..
I agree farts have a mind of there own

Memphis Steve said...

I'm kind of glad we can still rip a good fart while we're sleeping. Otherwise I'd never get away with farting on my wife in the middle of the night and then pretending to be asleep so she doesn't kick my ass into the floor.

Janet said...

Poor Richard Grieco. You know you've peaked when a random appearance in Night at the Roxbury's really is a good career move.