9/22/2006

PC v. Mac in a steel cage match

You people are lucky I'm still talking to you. Since my last post, I evolved into a more advanced species: the Mac user. My new Mac is great fun, but what I like the most is the opportunity to peer down my nose at PC users and remind them how pathetic their computing life is. Watching a PC user struggle to operate Windows reminds one of watching daytime talk show guests struggle with compound sentences. Mouth-breathers. If you PC users must retaliate in the comments section, remember to type slowly. I wouldn't want your browser to freeze. That would break my heart.

I kid, I kid. The embarrassing truth is, my own stupidity led me to buy a Mac. I was gaming on my PC when the fan clicked on. It often clicks on during heavy computing loads. The problem was, it never turned off, even after I quit all applications. I restarted the computer. Unplugged it. Shook it. Kicked it. Immersed it water. I even tried a Zimbabwean witch doctor voodoo heart-stopper ritual. Nothing doing. On the plus side, I have a spent chicken carcass to throw in the crock pot.

The internal fan is small, but when it revs up it emits a high-ptiched whine. It's loud. It's so loud that I stop using my computer when it activates. I hate the sound of that fan. Why does a computer need a fan, anyway? It's not like the chips are doing jumping jacks or something. There are no moving parts. I sweat my balls off all summer in front of that computer. Why does the chip get its own fan? Toughen up, Chip. There are millions of chips overheating in China and they don't have fans.

I realized that my computer was useless as long as the fan blew. I'd have to disable it. Lacking any options in Device Manager, I'd have to go on a hardware reconnaissance mission and take out the bogey. I accessed the inside of my box and located the fan -- still blowing like Elton John. Three wires ran from the circuit board to the fan. Which one to cut? It was like those action movies where the hero has to decide which wire to cut to diffuse the bomb. I decided on the black wire. First, I unplugged the box (I'm not that dumb). Then I cut the wire. Snip. Mission accomplished. I was a little nervous when I plugged in and turned on the box, but when I watched it boot as usual, I knew I made the right choice. And yes, I successfully disabled the fan. I should apply for a job at my local bomb squad. I'm that good.

Ten minutes later my computer crashed hard. I couldn't get it to turn on again. I zapped a chip or something. Maybe it overheated. Or the computer sensed the fan was disabled and became indignant. But the thing was dead. Oops. Again, it was like that movie where the hero has to diffuse the bomb by cutting the wire, only when he cuts it, it speeds up the countdown timer and now they're all really fucked. Nice going, hero. Say, there are some kids on respirators at the hospital. Maybe you'd like to visit them and trip over the power cords.

A more patient man, a more deliberate man, a brighter man would have fixed the fan problem with less drastic measures. I am not patient, deliberate or all that bright. But I knew the worst possible scenario had me buying a shiny new computer. And when that scenario presented itself, I figured, why not switch to a Mac? Those mini-Macs are affordable. The Intel-Duos pack a pretty big punch. And they come in this cute, little lunch box-sized case. Sleek. Elegant. Sexy.

My Mac is sweet-ass sweet. I was intimidated at first. I abhor crude, sexual innuendo. But do you remember when you were still a virgin and you landed a date with a fast, older girl who obviously had gone all the way? I felt like that guy; I knew I had chores to do, but I had no idea where to start. Luckily, what takes months of trial-and-error in Windows takes mere hours in Mac. By nighttime I had my Mac purring like a kitten and asking me whether I was going to call her back the next day. Mac is a well thought-out, easy-to-use and clever product. Mac is the Ron Popeil Rotisserie Oven of computers. Get this. Some little Mac-nerd at Comp USA was trying to sell me a $150 Applecare package. One-hundred and fifty dollars so I can call Mac and ask them questions. My first question would be, "So, are you still laughing at me for spending $150 to chat with you?" This Mac-nerd wouldn't give up. Finally I had to threaten his life. Actually, I said to him, "Look, I survived Windows without calling Microsoft. I'll survive OS X without calling Mac." He acquiesced and sold me my mini-Mac.

One neat feature is Mac's version of the task bar. They call it a "dock." The icons in the dock bounce up and down when you activate them. It's cute. Currently I'm searching the Internet for icons in the form of boobs and buttocks. I'm going to have my desktop "dock" looking like Black Entertainment Television after-hours. Pop that proggie. Pop, pop that proggie baby...

Here's another cool feature I stumbled on: Text-to-speech software. It has a lady's voice that will say whatever you type. I don't see why guys spend all that dough on 900-numbers when you can get a Mac, type a script, lie back and enjoy. What's that you say, dear? My penis is the biggest you've seen? Oh, you flatter me. Well, it is pretty impressive...

Mac also features a Force Quit function so that if a program nods off on you, you can get rid of it peacefully. And it actually works. Have you ever had a Windows app freeze on you? I'd sooner try to navigate my genitalia out of a cactus patch than escape a Windows app freeze-up. THE PROGRAM HAS STOPPED RESPONDING. No shit. I figured that out when the hourglass ran out of fucking sand! Can I have my computer back now?

I'll report more as I continue to explore my new SmackIntosh. So far, however, it's impressed the crap out of me. Then again, it's easy to impress a guy who cuts wires at random to "fix" a computer problem. So take my endorsement lightly, you CNTL-ALT-DELeting crackah.

43 comments:

Anonymous said...

Congrats, Bug. I have a PC, but I've worked several places that used Macs and I agree, they are pretty nice machines. BTW, let me know how the chicken turns out...LOL!

Nölff said...

Macs---> Hellzyeah
I don't use Safari. I've had too many problems. Firefox works great.

I bet you won't have spyware problems.

Lazy Lightning said...

Once you go MAC, you never go BACK!

Thanks for swinging by my blog today!

Miss Cellania said...

I've owned nothing but Mac's since 1988. I always get a kick out of PC folks who finally get a chance to try out the Cadillac. I went from Mac II to Mac Classic to Performa to iMac to Mac Mini. The entire setup I have now cost less than $700, so the last reason anyone doesn't buy a Mac went out the Windows.

Miss Cellania said...

Oh! Thats $700 NEW. I always bought used Macs before, when they were expensive.

MIA said...

I'm a MACKER, macbook . I had the fan problem once!! Strange.....

kari said...

LBB send me your email so I can tell you where my new site will be. Ex husband found me. ew. kariwaite@hotmail.com

NWJR said...

Welcome to the cult, baby!

I'm so proud of you...

(Oh, and you'll find that Firefox is more standards-compliant on the Mac than Safari. And try not to waste too much time on widgets! And...awww, never mind.)

Miss Sassy said...

I used to be one of those voodoo bastards who cocked an eyebrow when you tell of your bomb squad fantasies, then BEGGED you to go Mac so you'd leave my Sassy ass alone.

What do you do when you have stomach ache - stab yourself where it hurts until the pain goes away?

mist1 said...

I wish you had consulted me first. The best way to stop a fan is to stick something in it like a pen or your tongue.

C said...

I've always loved Macs but you know the world revolves around the people that can't handle change. MAC's do rock - you made a great choice. I work in IT though and they might put me out of a job.

Dave Morris said...

When the Bug speaks, I am inclined to listen. I've thought about it for a while now... maybe it's time to "spill a soda" into this thing and take the leap. (although I just bought a new top-notch HP laptop and, well, shit - I owe it to the machine to give it a chance)(aw, fuck the machine, why do I owe it anything?)(don't answer that, I already know... it's because I feel sorry for that guy who plays the PC on the Apple commercials)(no, fuck that guy, it's because I just spent a fortune on this damn thing)(oh shit, I can't decide)

Can I play Pac-man on the Mac?

Shoshana said...

At least you're a fast worker! It would have taken me weeks to decide which freaking computer model to get, and speed and variables and whatnot!

It's harder to choose a computer these days with all the buzz than it probaby is to choose a lifetime mate!

Shoshana said...

I have fixed my extra computer with a hammer. Very liberating. I suggest you try it next time.

LBseahag said...

I haven't been blogging, I return, and I see you have a photo up...and you're hot!

You have a lucky wife...

tornwordo said...

Whatever floats your boat. All I do is compose and read email so I don't have those freezing problems.

What about all those new versions of software you've now got to purchase (or steal)?

Heidi the Hick said...

Yeah! Welcome to the cool kid's table, my friend!

I am way more into V8 small blocks than computers, ok? I always hated computers. Then last year Jethro bought me this little Mac. He uses ONLY Mac at the studio. At first I was like, "Yeah, it looks nice. Everything looks like brushed aluminum. Very slick. So what."

I can't tell you exactly why Mac is better. IT JUST IS. But in the meantime, the rest of the world is PC and can't talk to my computer and they all hate that. an y'know what? I DON'T CARE!

jules said...

"No shit. I figured that out when the hourglass ran out of fucking sand!"...OMG I have said this endlessly this past week!

Anonymous said...

Wow that's some wrap for a Mac Bugs, progams that won't interchange sound like a problen and dollars to me though.

Anonymous said...

I guess you have to own a MAC to really understand the allure of one. I really don't run into many problems with my PC. Maybe I'm just lucky, and I'm cool with that!

Evil Genius said...

I LOVED this post - it not only cracked me up, but it gave me hope that there is (better computer) life out there!!!

I work on my computer all day, it's my livelihood as well as my entertainment, and I get soooooo frustrated by all the freeze-ups and software conflicts!!

But what about applications you're running - can you use all the same stuff you were able to run on Windows? Did you buy the new one that is both Apple/Windows compatible?

I can't wait to hear more - congrats!!

Oh great One said...

Congratulations on your new little bundle of joy! Keep us informed on it. It might just help me next time I have to make a computer purchase.

Violet said...

congratulations.

does the mac help the user have better ideas for blog entries?

(haha - not a slam, i promise! just wondering if i should look into it, too...)

CaCaBoy said...

Hey, congats! I would love to have a computer that talks dirty to you. Those Mac guys are f-ing geniuses!

Ari said...

You are one brave hombre to have cut the wire, Bug. That could be a new catchphrase for you, like "Remember the Alamo" -- whenever shit gets heavy, just shout, "Hey! I cut the wire! Do you understand how nonexistent a fuck I give?? I cut the mothafuckin' wire!!"

Janet said...

I plan on making this a tell it to me Tuesday one week. MAC's are like the good looking boy in high school. They are good to look at and hold some value, but for me it's more of a style thing over a function thing. Of course I'm not a designer, so thats why I feel this way. That and the fact that boyfriend pointed out that MACs are the computer of choice in nearly ALL movies and television shows. It's a conspiracy, I tell you.

Fathairybastard said...

I have a Dell PC that works nice. It's like my TV. I go to the store and look with wonder at the new flat screen coolness, but as long as my old dude is still workin' I'm gonna keep usin' it. Had an Apple 2C in college back in the late 80s. Was nice, but all I did was write papers on it. Now it's a huge paper weight.

frozen ananas said...

welcome to the mac world

jordan said...

I have 2 laptops and 2 pcs... actually I have 3 laptops. 2 of them are under my bed (don't work anymore and I haven't even tried to fix them and don't care to fix them) I am on a wireless laptop now.. brand new pc that I never use and another one the kids use.
Way too many computers in this house.

Spinning Girl said...

Hey Mac-Daddy.

I was all Mac until I needed a new computer & switched to PC. This was right before OS X came out. OS X rocks the house!

I am so switching back.

Jack K. said...

Well stated and, oh so accurate.

I always kid the PC owners that they should switch to a real computer. Why else did MicroSoft work out that deal with Apple many moons ago? To steal the icon/menu formula to make windows more like a Mac.

Another advantage to Mac ownership is that, since there are too few of them, hackers don't waste their time. Besides there is a nasty rumor out there in cyber-space that should someone be so damned stupid to screw with the Mac, the Death Squad would visit them. It would not be pretty.

holtiehouse suggested I stop by.

I'll be back. I enjoy your sense of humor, too.

Steven Novak said...

Let me tell you my friend, I've been a MAC guy for a lot of years now. My wife still has a pile of shit PC in the the other room that she uses...

Every night I mock her and throw fruit in her general direction. ;)

Steve~

❉ pixie ❉ said...

Welcome to the Mac side, you're gonna love it here. We've been avid Mac users for about 10 years now and I haven't used a PC in at least 7 years. If you have questions, email me (pixiestemple [at] gmail [dot] com).

One of my fave commands is Cmd+tab. It brings up a mini dock of all open apps that you can cycle through. Enjoy!

sans said...

Have there been any new macs since the apple IIe?

S. A. F. said...

Yes Macs are definitely much better than PCs expecially for gaming, videos and design. I own both. I actually have a PC - it was a gift. The price was right.

Bennet said...

This has inspired my next post...

This is the last PC I will ever own...

Edgy Mama said...

"blowing like Elton John..."

Good one!

mcBlogger said...

I've been a mac user for 7 years now. Congratulations for switching to the other side. It's a nicer place here. We are practically impervious to viruses. Sure, you can pass them on to your friends but they wont bother you none. Hooray!

mcBlogger said...

I've been a mac user for 7 years now. Congratulations for switching to the other side. It's a nicer place here. We are practically impervious to viruses. Sure, you can pass them on to your friends but they wont bother you none. Hooray!

mcBlogger said...

oh, one last thing...in mac-land it's no longer CNTL-ALT-DEL , it's apple + option + esc

Susan as herself said...

My first computer was a used Mac, and after three months it died---sad, frowning, X-eyed face symbol and all. I was devastated. And truthfully, I never quite got the hang of the Mac anyway... so I switched to a PC...

Long story short, I am tired of unresposive freezing up crap. But what can I do? I am poor, and right now stuck in a foggy Windows world.

Abandoned in Pasadena said...

Mac users seem to be impressed by their macs but I haven't had any problems with freezing since I took Norton's antivirus protection off...So I guess I won't switch until I have to.

Memphis Steve said...

I don't need a Mac as much as I need that girl who's gone all the way and looking to do it again. Where'd she go?