9/01/2006

Persecution Complex

I suffer from a mental pathology. I sometimes believe an invisible force is conspiring against me. I'm not alone. Many people labor under this delusion. To the extent you live your life fighting or evading this imaginary, malevolent force, you have what psychologists call a “persecution complex.” I believe the Persecution Complex is the most prevalent psychological affliction in America. I've got it. Maybe so do you.

Here's an example. I tried to maintain a lawn in my backyard. I was a regular Hank Hill. I had the mower, the fertilizer distributor thingy, the sprinkler system, hoes, trimmers, rakes -- I even took craps outdoors to increase the nitrate index of the soil. I told the neighbors our crappers were on the fritz. My wife entreated me to stop defecating outdoors and instead buy some manure. But why buy the cow when the crap is free? Anyway, I pampered that lawn. I should have had the prettiest lawn on the block. But I don't need to tell you how things turned out. My lawn looked as about healthy and fertile as Bea Arthur's cooter. Nothing but dead sprigs of grass. So I did what any sensible man would do. I threw a tantrum and then gave up. I uprooted the sprinkler system and buried all evidence of my pathetic lawn under 17 tons of decorative rock. Problem solved. After all, if the grass couldn't thrive with my tender, loving care, it certainly wouldn't grow through 4 inches of granite -- with no irrigation and complete neglect.

Wrong! Once the rock went down my grass became a genetically engineered super lawn. It took Jesus 3 days to rise from the dead. My lawn took about 45 minutes. I've got grass sprouting everywhere. It looks like a Cheech and Chong vineyard. My backyard has more unkempt patches than a 70s porn flick. I've even used vegetation killer -- literally poisoned my entire backyard, with no detriment to the grass. I may as well have been spraying vitamins. The unwanted grass grows like gangbusters -- now that I no longer want it.

Events like these cause me to wonder about that Force, that malevolent Force. What force? The Force that reverses whatever rule the minute you decide to obey it. The moment you become a believer, the priest touches the choir boy inappropriately and the pastor embezzles the collection plate. Hallefuckinluiah. That force. The Force.

Here's another example: college education. I fought the college rigmarole like inmates fight off the german shepards at Guantanamo. I resented all the bullshit college throws at you. Several years passed before I began college in earnest (showing for class, studying, etc.). Naturally I lived a subsistence lifestyle without a college degree. And every adult I met reminded me my that the lack of a formal education was to blame for my predicament. Fine. I'd go to college and graduate. Six years later I produced a bachelor's degree and jumped in a college graduate mosh-pit where we all slugged it out for a $28,000 per year cubicle. It turns out, I would have done better going to bartending college. That would have taken me 3 weeks and I wouldn't be a corporate stooge. Plus I wouldn't be cleaning pools on the weekend to make my student loan payments. But, had I not gone to college, I'd still be applying hand-jobs against my rent arrearages. You should have gone to college, they'd tell me. We'll I did. So where's my free freggin' lunch?

Did I tell you about my cherry flavored penis? Yep, the minute I married my dick became a dreamsicle. It must have. Ever since I said “I do,” all the ladies want to suck it. Don't mistake this for arrogance. I struck out with a million girls. I still have a few active restraining orders against me, in fact. When I was single I couldn't talk Courtney Love into going to bed with me if I had a Hummer-ful of lipstick and crank. I was human girl-repellent. Don't get me wrong. I love my wife and I definitely married the right girl. But I wouldn't have minded a few barflies buzzing around my cheese stick in the years before I took my nuptuals. Now that I'm married many women want to show me this neat trick they can do where they stretch their ankles behind their ears. These ladies are really talented and classy. They're just a little too late. If they ever invent a time machine, I'm teleporting these little tarts back to mom and dad's basement, then known as “my place.” It's going to be a Fuck-a-Rama at Mom and Dad's circa 1992. Jeez, I hope I'm smart enough to use protection. Imagine how badly it would suck to become a father retroactively. That's just my luck, too. Getting a chick pregnant with a load I can only remember shooting. What's my point? The invisible Force exists.

The above are crude examples. But you must know what I'm talking about. That invisible Force that conspires against you. You've seen it. You know of what I write. Maybe it's lurking behind you right now ready to freeze up your sure-to-be brilliant blog post after you click “Publish Post.” Did you ever notice that your computer freezes only when your work is important, like when you've just written something brilliant, or when you're desperately trying to close down 17 windows of porn when your spouse walks in the room? I'll bet not a single reader has ever had their computer freeze when a pop-up window offering 5.8% financing or a free month of AOL launches. The pop-ups always get through. The Force.

Remember what a fool you were for not investing in the stock market in the 80s and 90s? Remember how you started investing when you finally had some disposable income in the year 2000? What a plunge, huh? I'd have been better off investing my money in Chia Pets. Seriously, I'm going to call my broker next week, “Yeah, Marty. Put me down for 1500 units of Chia Cows and another 1000 in Chia HEADS. I've got a hunch about the Chia Head.” In fact, maybe I'll cover my backyard with Chia Heads. I'll have one green goddamn lawn then. I don't mean to go astray, but by now shouldn't Spencer's Gifts have introduced Chia Cooter? Chia Dong? There's a million-dollar idea. The Chia Armpit.

Here's another thing. I don't want to make anybody cringe, but why do you get diarrhea only when you're away from home? My theory? The Force just wants to see you sweat. The Force reserves constipation for when you're home. Then you have to burn all your "me time" on the crapper. Diarrhea would be a cinch at home. See how the Force thinks? What's next for me, Force? Are you going to afflict me with pink eye the next time I go whale watching?

And how about when you whack your head against a rectangular object and you always hit the corner. Nothing smarts like a pointed object driven into one's skull. There was a perfectly flat surface you could have whacked, but nope! The Force aimed the point into your head when you were'nt looking just to piss you off.

I could go on listing examples but I fear I'd bore you. I think I've made a convincing point. One must maintain a constant vigil against the Persecution Complex. It's essential to a happy life.

63 comments:

Miss Cellania said...

I am with you on the college thing. How do I motivate my kids to work hard in school? "Yeah, Mom, you got a degree and look where you are now. You shoulda married for money."

The Force got me last night after I inported and inserted 17 pictures ina post, and the browser crashed soon as I hit "save". It took a quite a while to get back where I could find out if it saved... uh, no.

Diarrhea: that one has an explanantion. Its the unfamiliar bugs that affect you when you travel. You are immune to the ones at home. Thats life!

jules said...

The Force and I are intimate terms. I get screwed by it regularly. Without the kiss and dinner first.

tornwordo said...

I always imagine the force like a group of gods sitting around up there trying to make their own "funniest home videos". We exist for their amusement. There are too many brilliant lines in this post. (though I must admit chia armpits was my favorite.)

Mr. Friendly said...

Fight the power LBB! And if that Force thingy comes banging at your door at suppertime, looking for little Jedis for its new temple, kick it in the arse!

Happy Valentines Day Weekend Everyone!

Danke Shane said...

Damn straight there's a force. It zeroes in on me about every 20 minutes and now I just stay still at my desk and hope things don't start levitating on their own to smack me with righteous fury.

Rocky Mountain Rat Girl said...

I need to stop laughing so hard about your "genetically engineered super lawn" so I can finish reading this damn post!!

"Gosh!"

NWJR said...

You have learned a valuable lesson, young grasshopper: "Never take your lawn for granite".

And you're right...nothing makes you more attractive to women than a wedding ring. That thing's like an industrial-strength chick magnet.

Please, though--do me a favor. Don't ever use the phrase "Bea Arthur's cooter" again. I think I'm going to be sick.

LaunderLust said...

Persecution Complex? Huh. I always thought it was called "Murphy's Law."

Oh, and I doubt it's just women who want to show you that neat trick! Mmmmm, cherry . . . .

Becky said...

The force, lmao. I think I may suffer from this too though, I'm sure one thing we do all suffer from if not all the time at least sometimes would be anxiety and/or depression.

jali said...

cha-cha-cha Chia Pits! Plant the seeds right under the arm. Water it - watch it grow! (dreadlocked Chia Pits available for AA customers)

Rachel Heather said...

oh man I am laughing my ass off here

As for the women thing - when a man is married he becomes an image of committed. Girls like it - it is attracted

so here is the answer. when you want something before you get it - act like you already are what you want.

before you were married you should have acted married - then my friend - girls would be lining up for blow jobs

:)

kari said...

Sweetie, you just outlined my entire life. *sigh* Thanks so much for the reminder.

Ginamonster said...

damn force sent two different rocks into my windshield on two different days. crack. just as I finally got my savings account back in the good digits.

Bug said...

LMAO! I don't even know which part of this post to start with...they're all damn funny :o)

Violet said...

What is it about Bea Arthur? Men always use her as an example of an anti-sex symbol.

But, I guarantee, if your dick tasted like cherry, and Bea was the only woman in the world who was willing to taste it, you'd be unzipped before you could say "Golden Girls."

Scottsdale Girl said...

What a great way to start a weekend of binge drinkin LBB :)
I am soooooo lovin the book by the way...

And just so you know it was NOT me who threw super-engineered lawn seeds into the new gravel...

Webmiztris said...

I can so relate to people of the opposite sex showing interest when it's TOO FRICKIN LATE. When I was single, I almost never get hit on and now that I'm not available, I get hit on every weekend. Damn the force!

Amandarama said...

My mom had that issue with her lawn too...until she discovered $20,000 in-lawn sprinkler systems and little Vietnamese boys who apparently don't mind being paid under the table. No green card = very green lawn.

Jenni said...

You know, I bet Bea was one hot babe in her day...and that goes for her cooter too.

Also...Don't you live in the DESERT? Last time I checked grass doens't grow in the desert unless it's on a golf course where old people can go play a few rounds, and you know the force is ALWAYS with old people.

Pirate said...

Cherry flavored? I have a pot flavored rod myself. At least that's what the gals tell me. I have nevered mastered the old hound dog lick thing myself.

It is good to be back and reading from the best. Bugg you still are 100% original after these two or more years.
as for college. you only go to put off being an adult for a few more years and to taste the fine ass of the lasses from other parts of the cuntry.

Dave Morris said...

"... I'd still be applying hand-jobs against my rent arrearages..."

You forgot: "... not that there's anything wrong with that." After all, I need to maintain my sense of decency and self-respect.

PS - You know how much I love Bea Arthur!

Superstar said...

OK so exactly what KIND of GRASS are you growing?!?!?!? LOL ;o) Should we be getting the DEA all up into your business??? JK

Women want what they "cant have" real or imagined...Hense the not married guy who wears the "no pest strip" at the club. Which BTW really pisses me off as I think he is "taken, gay or hung up on his mother"...Bugger off!

Let me know when grape is available on the flavor...Mint is really OLD!!!! LOL ;o)

Wicked Smile said...

You're as funnay as ever. I finally wrote something for the web again and it won't get me fired.

http://www.showbuzz.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/09/01/tv/main1959719.shtml

~8o8

Jordan said...

You know what you need LBB?.. an invisible force shield with a side pocket toting force repellent spray. Go ahead.. carry it around like a can of Wizard air freshener.. randomly pull it out, Gunsmoke style, spray into the force. That's right LBB.. spray the force away.

Janet said...

I agree. There is a force. But there's no way to fight the force. I mean it goes against the nature of what "force" actually means.

So that's it. It's done. So you might as well let the force be with you.

Heidi the Hick said...

ok. Mental images. Some not so bad, some very bad.

The force is real man. Bad things don't just happen to good people. Bad things happen.

I promise I won't flirt with you, by the way.

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Heidi the Hick said...

ha ha ha! Dude, "anonymous" there is totally flirting with you!

Spinning Girl said...

I am entertained.






also, I blew peach tea out my nose at "unkempt patches."

Lyvvie said...

It's the wedding band that makes you so attractive. Women love a man they know will commit - shame he already did it with someone else. The thing you should do is go back in time and just buy a cheap gold wedding band - that's all it takes.

Cherry flavoured Penis - a CockPop!

nongirlfriend said...

Now you have me all paranoid.

Peter said...

You make some very good poins there Bugs, all one can hope is that the Force Be With You, at least some of the time.

Ocean said...

It's not having what you want. It is wanting what you have.
The grass example, too funny :)

C said...

All I know is that the "force" known as the Mona Lisa made me lose my keys for roasting on her on my blog.

Mackenzie1975 said...

This was too funny.
I think you are talking about "The Secret."
Someone sent me the DVD a month ago, and it was too true...check out the site at www.thesecret.tv...
It's like $5 online to see the entire thing...but life altering.
Good luck with turning all that around!

sans said...

This was so funny.

Greg - Cowboy in the Jungle said...

LBB Wrote: "...many women want to show me this neat trick they can do where they stretch their ankles behind their ears..."

Cowboy Says: Ahhhhhhh... The Venetian Oyster! Memories.

MIA said...

You lost me at Bea Aurthers cooter, Maude? No, I can't go any further. Ok, I did, and now I'm stopping at a cherry flavored pop- the force of course would cause it to melt...

wild thing said...

It put's the lotion on it's skin...

Cherry flavored penis, Mmm

Fathairybastard said...

Ok, I think Tornwordo's got it right. It's those damned Olympian gods fuckin' with us, still, after all this time. And Violet, only from behind, in the dark, with a bag on her head and another on mine. It's got to be those formative years listening to Maude nag here hubby to death. And the yard thing is evolution. The poison only kills the weak weeds. The strong ones survive and thrive, like the fire ants that just won't go away. Don't take it personal.

rachel said...

i knew what you were going to say about the grass before you said it, is that the force working..............? Oh and the cherry popsickle, hahahahahahahaha

Shoshana said...

LOL...ha ha ha ha. I really needed this post today. Thanks LBB.

It's very entertaining how you think. Truly.

so thank you!

shpprgrl said...

Yeah, away from home...or worse away from home while on a freakin' ferry.

PlatinumGirl said...

Yup . . . Murphy's Law, a.k.a. "the story of my life."

Ego's Alter said...

The dark side of the force clouds everything....

dawn said...

Damn that Murphy and his force. I'm with you on the college thing, that's why I dropped out. Didn't hurt my career at all. You know what could hurt a career though? Diarrhea at work.

Oh great One said...

Is THAT why I could never get my lawn to grow? I just needed to stop trying? I'm hip to that trick now!

Galt-In-Da-Box said...

Sorry I never thanked you EARLIER for stopping by.
Just added you to my links.
Hope you defeat your personal adversary (E-mail me for details on The Way HOW).

Green Fish said...

I maintain a constant vigil against the persecution complex. I call it seething paranoia. Some call it social anxiety, some call it panic disorder, I'll never know what it truly is because that would involve picking up the phone and calling the doctor and I don't do that unless I am bleeding from more than three places. The advantage is that the defense mechanisms involved have made me a very good listener (in case I look stupid), very punctual (in case I get left behind), and very polite (in case I hurt feelings or impose). The disadvantage is that I feel like I am having a stroke most of the time. But at least when a piano falls on me as I walk through a corn field, I will be able to see the funny side.

Heidi the Hick said...

Don't walk through a corn field! You'll get lost forever! You'll never get out and get hypothermia at night and they'll have to go in with their hands linked so that they don't get lost looking for you!

My god! don't you city people know anything!!?????

Green Fish said...

Who is going to come looking for me in a corn field? Crazy piano wielding country folk, that's who.

Melonie said...

I have found just mowing weeds down in the yard gives the illusion of a manicured lawn.

mist1 said...

Just once, I'd like to get through my day without thinking about Bea Arthur's cooter.

mcBlogger said...

OMG, that's funny cuz it's so true!

Shoshana said...

Why should we watch out for it LBB? Persecution complex is a religion for most people, more valued than orgasm. Personally, I'd rather have orgasm.

CP said...

God help me, but I couldn't get past the visual of Bea Arthur's Cooter.

Talk about dry humor.

CP.

Miss 1999 said...

*Am laughing so hard I can barely type*- Half because it's funny as hell, and half because it's so true, and there's not a damn thing we can do about it... Soooooo, 'tis better to laugh than cry!

Anonymous said...

I've actually seen a Chia Dong for sale, did someone steal the idea from you?

Junebugg said...

that last was me, damn Blogger

Sherri said...

You have a dreamsicle? Damn.

Elaine said...

I'm telling you. The Force is a giant five year old kid fucking around with his sea monkeys. (us).

I mean, if you were The Force, wouldn't you fuck with us? I would. (especially the diarrhea thing..that would so be right up my alley.)

Anonymous said...

What I want to know is...


Why hasn't anyone chastised you for shitting on your lawn yet? That's totally gross and I think an arrestable offense!

YICK!

Other than that, it was funny as hell. :)