9/19/2006

Some more Bullet-ins

  • I know why breakfast foods taste so good for dinner: because you're doing something wrong. That always feels good. It's like cheating on a math test, smoking in the boys' room or getting a blow-job under the bleachers. Doing something wrong feels so right. So go ahead. Pour yourself a bowl of Count Chocula. Toss a Pop Tart in the toaster over. You dirty little minx, you. Tomorrow morning, pour yourself a vodka martini. Keep a theme going.
  • I took my daughter put-put golfing today. Entering the course, I spotted a sign declaring “CONSUMPTION OF ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES STRICTLY PROHIBITED.” So we haven't started golfing yet and I'm already breaking the rules. I wondered why Golf-n-Stuff prohibits alcohol. Maybe it's because everybody has a weapon in the form of a putter. Imagine catching a putter in the temple from a drunken Chi Chi Rodriguez. Ay caramba! Additionally, Golf-n-Stuff doesn't want to catch some dipshit storming through the miniaturized town screaming “I'm Godzilla,” or simulating sex acts with the larger-than-life theme park animals, or urinating spent Keystone Light in the koi pond. Now that I think of it, the no-alcohol rule is good policy. (Thanks, Mist1!)
  • In the 1970's, America created a Misery Index whose components were inflation, unemployment and millions-of-Bee-Gee-records-sold. I'm not sure how they calculated it exactly. Anyway, today we need a new index to measure the aggregate economy. Evidently, no amount of growth, productivity, unemployment or inflation is good enough as long as George Bush is in the White House. So I propose a Starbucks Index. We calculate the percentage of people dropping $4.80 on a cup of coffee at least twice per week. Then we tell the nation to stop whining because times are good when you're drinking 5-dollar coffee. In fact, a culture with terms like “anytime minutes,” “wi-fi hotspot,” and “discount plasma screen TV” has no right complaining about hard times.
  • I read somewhere that 9-million prison rapes take place every year. Remember, some guys go to prison for tax evasion, DUI's or attempting to vote twice in the same election. Not everybody is a violent offender. Yet the phrase “prison rape” is often the punch-line for a joke -- not something to protest. People don't feel sorry for inmates. Break the law, get anally raped -- often by a well-endowed person of color. That's our motto. In fact, every day you're in prison, your very life is in danger. Somebody hocks a couple cartons of cigarettes for some toilet wine, the next thing you know there's a shank in your kidney. Remind me what's so awful about GITMO. God forbid I go to prison someday. If the worst that happens to me is being walked on a leash and putting women's panties on my head, I figure I'll be as lucky as the average Powerball Lottery winner. Hello, Bubba. You can wipe your ass with pages of my Bible anytime you please. Just don't “become familiar” with me.
  • Tires wear down over time. But the only place you drive your car is on the road. Shouldn't the road be coated in tire rubber? Where does the rubber go?
  • I don't see why we need to wear seatbelts when there's plenty of Velcro out there. I think Volvo should look into the first Velcro safety system. Polyester pants and Velcro seating: the perfect marriage.
  • I feel sorry for The Thing. He's an important part of The Fantastic Four, but he doesn't even get a uniform. Instead, he's made of rocks. Also, the other heros get incredible super-powers: flame throwers, telekinesis, invisibility. The Thing is basically a big Chia Pet without the plant growth. Who writes this comic? Yeah, there's this forth guy who's made of rocks. He doesn't need a cool name or anything. What was that one thing I was thinking of calling him? Ah, that's it. The Thing. Poor Thing. He's the Fantastic Four's version of the Pet Rock. If I ever meet The Thing, the first thing I'm going to ask him is, How do you know when you've got a boner?
  • For those of you in the dating scene, pay attention to how your date drinks. You're looking for someone who keeps with one kind of booze the entire night. If a girl can't take the advice of sticking with one liquor the entire night, she certainly won't take that same advice when it comes to men. Incidentally, it's a myth that sticking to one kind of liquor all night will prevent a hangover. If you're sticking to any kind of alcoholic beverage all night, you've got a hangover in your future. It's the all-night that causes hangovers, not mixing liquors.

Attention, Super-Nerd: I know The Thing isn't made of rocks. His skin is a composite of space-age scales. Also, he has superhuman strength and endurance. It's a joke. Shouldn't you be masturbating to a science book in your parents' basement?

44 comments:

Melonie said...

In the 1970's, America created a Misery Index whose components were inflation, unemployment and millions-of-Bee-Gee-records-sold.
You forgot the most important component of the MIsery Index...years married.

Miss Cellania said...

Now I'm hungry. But since its breakfast time, I think I'll have some leftover pizza. And I'll definitely stick to one kind of liquor this morning!

mist1 said...

Koi dammit. Koi.

Peter said...

9 million prison rapes each year is what keeps most of us honest Bugs.

Becky said...

I just love eggs for dinner, scrambled egg sandwiches! Anytime of the day really... I mean who's to say you're only supposed to eat breakfast foods in the morning, why even label them breakfast foods.... Odd isn't it?

Violet said...

I'm not quite sure I understand....

Drinking all night = hangovers?

Sonuva... Who knew???

Dawn (webmiztris) said...

omg, your velcro system had me rollin' the most!

Evil Genius said...

Cold leftover pizza and tequilla sunrises - breakfast of champions!!

JJ said...

I think The Thing deserves briefs for at least the reason you gave! ROTF!!!

RWB said...

If you're in the dating scene all you need to remember is…

"You about to go run down
some drunk chicks, all right?

And don't confuse
that with tipsy.
We talking about drunk.

I want vomit in the hair,
bruised-up knees.

A broken heel is a plus.

That's what you
want to find, okay?"

twinkies said...

Cooool idea on the martini's for breakfast, must make yer whole day shape up much better

Riss said...

I hear you on GITMO waaahhhh they stripped us waaahhhh they put panties on us waaahhhhhhh. But their buttholes are nice and unstretched out so I don't see what the big deal is.

OneHungMan said...

Hey Lightning, thanks for visiting OneHung's blog. He decided to return the favor, and in doing so realized he appreciates your humor. Or philosophy. Or, whatever; humor...philosophy...same difference.

By the way, YoungHung and OneHung eat Tony the Tiger and Pop Tarts for dinner often, much to the non-delight of Mrs. Hung.

Keep up the good work.

jali said...

I like dinner foods for breakfast and breakfast foods after the party. Woman Law - (ooooh that felt good to say). Woman Law - if you kissed her in college then honey, you're bi. Stop fooling yourself.

mist1 said...

Thanks. I take the whole fish thing seriously.

dawn said...

I think breakfast is good for dinner because nothing is good for anything before noon. And such things as syrup and jam are lost on those good for nothing hours.

And please stop looking up prison rape statistics, there has got to be better things on the internet that are less depressing - porn perhaps?

Edgy Mama said...

So why the hell can't I get a shot in my morning latte?

Doesn't the Thing wear a thong? That's a uniform of sorts!

C said...

Yeah and supernerd is thinking of you on a leash with women's panties on your head and why do you preface it with women's? Is there men's panties?

MIA said...

well I have breakfast for dinner quite often, a venti no water chai latte every morning or for lunch, the same extra dirty martini for the night, but I learned something i did not know- blow jobs under the bleachers was wrong?

jules said...

If I ever meet The Thing, the first thing I'm going to ask him is, How do you know when you've got a boner?~ perfectly valid question, my friend.

tornwordo said...

The supernerd comment is funny! And why didn't I know you had a daughter? That makes you seem all soft-like. I like that, and I like imagining you as a dad.

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

"Break the law, get anally raped"
Works for me - I'm not even going to litter.

NWJR said...

Shouldn't you be masturbating to a science book in your parents' basement?

LOL...well, that beats the hell out of surfing blogs all night!

Elaine said...

HAHAHAHA! Damn Lbb. You crack me up EVERYTIME. Brilliant. I had all these comments set up and then I about died at the note for Super-Nerd. but FYI, he's probably not masturbating to a science book in the basement because you gotta be disciplined when playing Dungeons and Dragons.

Scottsdale Girl said...

It's actually sugar that gives you a hangover, that is why I always drink my Bacardi with Diet. ALL NIGHT LONG

As always... Rachael said...

sober putt-putting??? We don't subscribe to such lunacy here in Wisconsin.. you need to move!

is what scottsdale girl saying true? Maybe I'll give hard liquor a try tonight and test that theory. Afterall, it IS Wednesday.

Carrie said...

So it's the ALL NIGHT drinking that makes me feel like shit? Huh. Ya learn something new everyday. :P

did I tell ya I got my copy of your book -hillarious! Got one for my dad too - he loved it. :)

Softball Slut said...

I like the Anally Raped Motto. we should put it on billboards on the side of the road with a guy raping a dude with a broomstick in a circle with a slash going down it. That should be enough thank you.

Evil Genius said...

And I'm with softball slut. Putting that prison anal rape warning up on a roadside billboard would do wonders for our crime statistics. So have you sent that suggestion to your local congressman yet? Cause I'd LOVE to see their response!!! hehhee

I don't know about the velcro seats though. If they did that, somebody might decide to bring velour back, and then I'd have to kill myself.

Teaspoon said...

If eating cereal at night is wrong, I don't evver want to be right.

Heidi the Hick said...

Where does the rubber go? WHERE DOES THE RUBBER GO?

I once had the trunk of my mom's Dodge Dart full of burnt rubber smoke. That was cool....

Spinning Girl said...

I don't think it's the sugar that gives you the hangover. Since when is Hair of the Dog a bowl of fucking SUGAR?

Video X said...

well. I generally stick to one kind of drink if I'm drinking liquor...but not always...but hey i'm no cheater! and i'm allowed to be since technically i can't really cheat due to the fact that i am single...oh...never mind!

breakfast food for dinner is the best. eggs, hash browns, bacon...woohoo! maybe that should be dinner tonight. i'm starving now.

Dave Morris said...

I love when you call me dirty minx.

Dave Morris said...

PS - LOL to Spinning Girl's "hair of the dog" comment...

It's Me, Maven... said...

Break the law, get anally raped, sounds like a fabulous campaign slogan for someone tough on crime:)

PS: Dave Morris is the minxiest:)

Bennet said...

heheheee...

That rubber coated road idea is the best..Would make sence too because we all know asphalt's enemy is gas...what drips from a car?..gas....

LBB..you could be a billionaire...this could save out country trillions..which means they won't do it. It would practically perserve much longer....brillant.

Oh great One said...

Wow it feels like I haven't been here in ages. That stupid blog rolling thing isn't reliable at all! No wonder I've had the shakes and been sweating. I'm having LBB withdrawals!

Love the tire bit. I never thought about it that way!

jordan said...

I eat breakfast foods for dinner all the time... the one thing I can't do is eat anything OTHER than breakfast foods for breakfast (like a bowl of spaghetti and can of diet coke).. now that is just wrong.

poopie said...

Thanks so much for the dating advice..genius as usual. I was wondering about where the tire rubber goes just yesterday when I had a flat,dammit.

kari said...

I'm so glad I'm not a Super-Nerd. That was just harsh. (Do they really masturbate to science books?)

Spill The Beans said...

Somehow, alcoholic beverages and mini-golf seem to me to be the perfect combination.

Violet said...

hey... thanks for the link.

Memphis Steve said...

Starbucks is raising their rates. THOSE BASTARDS! Somehow it must be Bush's fault.

Prison rape would be a huge issue if the feminazis thought they could somehow translate it into another $10 billion in tax dollars AND more privileges for women only. But as it mostly only happens to men they just put the numbers up on a perpetually updating scoreboard in the N.O.W. headquarters and celebrate as the numbers click up and up. Yeah, I know of only one person in the whole freakin' world trying to do anything about it. His name is Chuck Colson.