- I know why breakfast foods taste so good for dinner: because you're doing something wrong. That always feels good. It's like cheating on a math test, smoking in the boys' room or getting a blow-job under the bleachers. Doing something wrong feels so right. So go ahead. Pour yourself a bowl of Count Chocula. Toss a Pop Tart in the toaster over. You dirty little minx, you. Tomorrow morning, pour yourself a vodka martini. Keep a theme going.
- I took my daughter put-put golfing today. Entering the course, I spotted a sign declaring “CONSUMPTION OF ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES STRICTLY PROHIBITED.” So we haven't started golfing yet and I'm already breaking the rules. I wondered why Golf-n-Stuff prohibits alcohol. Maybe it's because everybody has a weapon in the form of a putter. Imagine catching a putter in the temple from a drunken Chi Chi Rodriguez. Ay caramba! Additionally, Golf-n-Stuff doesn't want to catch some dipshit storming through the miniaturized town screaming “I'm Godzilla,” or simulating sex acts with the larger-than-life theme park animals, or urinating spent Keystone Light in the koi pond. Now that I think of it, the no-alcohol rule is good policy. (Thanks, Mist1!)
- In the 1970's, America created a Misery Index whose components were inflation, unemployment and millions-of-Bee-Gee-records-sold. I'm not sure how they calculated it exactly. Anyway, today we need a new index to measure the aggregate economy. Evidently, no amount of growth, productivity, unemployment or inflation is good enough as long as George Bush is in the White House. So I propose a Starbucks Index. We calculate the percentage of people dropping $4.80 on a cup of coffee at least twice per week. Then we tell the nation to stop whining because times are good when you're drinking 5-dollar coffee. In fact, a culture with terms like “anytime minutes,” “wi-fi hotspot,” and “discount plasma screen TV” has no right complaining about hard times.
- I read somewhere that 9-million prison rapes take place every year. Remember, some guys go to prison for tax evasion, DUI's or attempting to vote twice in the same election. Not everybody is a violent offender. Yet the phrase “prison rape” is often the punch-line for a joke -- not something to protest. People don't feel sorry for inmates. Break the law, get anally raped -- often by a well-endowed person of color. That's our motto. In fact, every day you're in prison, your very life is in danger. Somebody hocks a couple cartons of cigarettes for some toilet wine, the next thing you know there's a shank in your kidney. Remind me what's so awful about GITMO. God forbid I go to prison someday. If the worst that happens to me is being walked on a leash and putting women's panties on my head, I figure I'll be as lucky as the average Powerball Lottery winner. Hello, Bubba. You can wipe your ass with pages of my Bible anytime you please. Just don't “become familiar” with me.
- Tires wear down over time. But the only place you drive your car is on the road. Shouldn't the road be coated in tire rubber? Where does the rubber go?
- I don't see why we need to wear seatbelts when there's plenty of Velcro out there. I think Volvo should look into the first Velcro safety system. Polyester pants and Velcro seating: the perfect marriage.
- I feel sorry for The Thing. He's an important part of The Fantastic Four, but he doesn't even get a uniform. Instead, he's made of rocks. Also, the other heros get incredible super-powers: flame throwers, telekinesis, invisibility. The Thing is basically a big Chia Pet without the plant growth. Who writes this comic? Yeah, there's this forth guy who's made of rocks. He doesn't need a cool name or anything. What was that one thing I was thinking of calling him? Ah, that's it. The Thing. Poor Thing. He's the Fantastic Four's version of the Pet Rock. If I ever meet The Thing, the first thing I'm going to ask him is, How do you know when you've got a boner?
- For those of you in the dating scene, pay attention to how your date drinks. You're looking for someone who keeps with one kind of booze the entire night. If a girl can't take the advice of sticking with one liquor the entire night, she certainly won't take that same advice when it comes to men. Incidentally, it's a myth that sticking to one kind of liquor all night will prevent a hangover. If you're sticking to any kind of alcoholic beverage all night, you've got a hangover in your future. It's the all-night that causes hangovers, not mixing liquors.
Attention, Super-Nerd: I know The Thing isn't made of rocks. His skin is a composite of space-age scales. Also, he has superhuman strength and endurance. It's a joke. Shouldn't you be masturbating to a science book in your parents' basement?