10/03/2006

Another storm of bullets

• Everybody's talking about the page who fell victim to Congressman Foley and his masturbatory fantasies. As the infighting ensues, I have to wonder whether all the pages will stick together (rimshot!)
• I'd like to train a police dog to attack at the sound of a ringing cell phone. Then I'd like to give the dog a couple of Red Bull's and release him someplace fun, like a rave.
• Sometime after the advent of blogging, the word "said" replaced "aforementioned." I miss "aforementioned." "Said" is too cutesy, like that punk Jon Stewart.
• I want to try to open a Netflix account under the name Ted Kaczynski. I'll bet that would make those envelope-stuffers sweat.
• There's risk involved in jerking off to pornography -- not the risk of getting caught; we all know about that risk. There's another risk. You know that other risk: ejaculating at the precise moment the camera pans to the guy's butt. Aghhhhh! But what can you do about it? Once you pop the top off a can of cream soda, the fizz is going to shoot. You can't undo it. Back in my teens this happened to me like 4 times in a row. I started wondering whether I was queer. I found myself in a metaphysical chicken-or-the-egg dilemma on my sexual orientation. Was the guy's butt popping up when I blasted off, or was I blasting off because of the guy's butt? Finally I cranked one out to a Sears Hanes-Her-Way commercial and I knew I'd turn out OK.
• Everybody knows American drivers become confused when driving in England, where motorists keep to the left. I think it would be loads more fun if in England, green meant STOP and red meant GO. Think of all the blooper clips on YouTube you'd have. Step on the gas, you bloody American stooge. Also I think it would be great if "lift" didn't mean elevator, but rather, "old lady." This lift can handle no more than 20 riders at a time. I wouldn't want England to change "fag," however. What's funnier than having the urge to smoke a fag?
• Why do they put those signs on the road that identify the beginning and end of bridges? Is that just in case you have a compulsion to jerk your car off the road at that precise moment and go 4-wheeling? I figure if the bridge is so small it needs markers to identify it, you don't need to know about it.
• I'd like to commission a study on sewer workers to learn whether they have lower self-esteem than the control group. Who applies for a job working in sewers? After your interview, do you sit at the phone and pray the boss calls you back with an offer? Is that the kind of interview you buy a new suit for? I want to look my best, honey. Can you iron my red tie? If I nail this, I'll rummage in human filth 40 hours a week and we'll have a great dental plan. Also, when you're on the job, do you take a bathroom break, or do you just pull your pants down and plop one out on the "showroom floor?" Hey look, Hank. I just added 3% to our inventory. What are the qualifications for a sewer worker? Applicant's ass must not exceed dimensions of manhole cover.

43 comments:

Evil Genius said...

OMG...I think I peed a little!! Thanks for a great start to my day!!

Miss Cellania said...

Q: Why doesn't Foley use a bookmark?

A: He just bends over a page.

(rimshot)


Ted Kascynski. That was FUNNY!

Miss Cellania said...

That rimshot was supposed to be a sound effect.

(another rimshot)

jules said...

Then English are a funny breed of people. I've been getting mucho correspondence from them this past week, and I must say, I think they're smoking something serious.

NWJR said...

One of the funniest things I ever saw was some Brit on Johnny Carson who was talking about trying to quit smoking, and said, "I'm just not comfortable without a fag in my mouth".

Good times.

mist1 said...

Red doesn't mean go? Crap. That explains all those tickets.

Oh great One said...

I don't know where you get this stuff, but I'm glad you do!

Anonymous said...

The attack dog for cell phones in the aforementioned post is a great idea.

~gkw said...

Hey, can I borrow your attack dog??

mcBlogger said...

If one can't tell the difference from where one got on a bridge and then off it, I suspect one should not have one's drivers liscence.

Anonymous said...

I used word aforementioned in my post today, unaware of the fact that said usage would please you.

Mike R. said...

On the showroom floor? OMG that was great. Talk about making more work for yourself.

Violet said...

hanes-her-way? seriously? hey, whatever gets your engine goin'...

Dave Morris said...

When I was a kid, I jerked off to the "after" pictures on diet commercials... so I'm not exactly surprised about the Hanes-Her-Way thing.

Scottsdale Girl said...

Applicant's ass must not exceed dimensions of manhole cover.

I think this applies in a lot of circumstances.

Fathairybastard said...

Foley's an idiot, but at least he had the balls to resign. Gary Studds got to serve out his years in the Senate and retire, and he actually shtupped a kid.

And I think yer ok so long as the dude is not getting boned by another dude when you shoot all over the keyboard.

And it's Sanitation Engineer, thank you very much.

exile said...

well, as for the porn bullet, the only mental cop out you can use is saying to your self "um, i was pretending that that way me."

regardless, you still wanked off to a dude

Miss Sassy said...

Some comedian I just watched had a thing about your porn thought - when you watch it you don't want to watch some micro-sized peewee, its all about the [insert endless descriptive details here] manlyness of the man, therefore every guy is at least acknowledging the guy is good at what he does... and therefore every man is gay.
Does that make you feel better???

Also, if you are applying for an office job, please note that if you participate in the office life your ass WILL fill the office chair you habituate, so choose carefully, and make sure it has arms on it unless you want to be on a Discovery Health special.

As always... Rachael said...

Love the attack dog plan! Make sure he knows how to attack people when texting also!

Matt said...

You know that other risk: ejaculating at the precise moment the camera pans to the guy's butt. Aghhhhh!

LMAO. That's so funny. I recently purchased some pornography (yeah, I admit it) that is very well done. The male is shown as little as possible, really just to facilitate what's happening w/ the woman.

I mean, no artistic shots of the background, and fading in and out on a sunset. No shots of the man's facial expression when he climaxes. What the HELL is that all about?

Smoking fags? I like how the phrase "bloody hell" has the same effect on them. You say what, now?

C said...

Nevertheless, some straight men get off by dressing in women's clothing/underwear - are you sure that you were not envisioning your buns in some Hanes high cut briefs?

Manhole cover - hee hee - that makes me giggle. The one-eyed monsters needs a cover. Is that an eyepatch? I know you mean the hole in the street but it amuses me so.

Yasamin said...

I just want you to know that if it weren't for you... I would probably be dead right now.

The attack dog was fucking brilliant but i would have released that sucker somewhere like a mall foodcourt... the az mills food court to be exact. lol

you make me giggle like a school girl.

rachel said...

This lift can handle no more than 20 riders at a time - LMAO that is so funny.
And as for the porn comment - that's just plain unlucky timing my friend

Anonymous said...

Seriously having a fag in your mouth is mild.
Advanced UK slang: Bum (verb): to borrow without serious intent of return
As in "can I bum a fag"

Chelle said...

LOL ok, this is what I needed to read at 7:20 am....lol Too funny!

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Hilarious!

I SO miss coming here.....DAMN YOU IT NAZIS AT WORK!!!

jali said...

I'm holding my breath until you take back that Jon Stewart statement.


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gasp...(wheezing trying to get air)

I guess that wasn't the most clever plan I've ever had.

Anonymous said...

lmao at the rave idea! you, sir, are EVIL!

and it just so happens that I like that in a person. ;)

Edgy Mama said...

Please become Teddy K. Just for a day. Please?

MIA said...

The sewer employement. How do they even recruit for that job? We need a few good shit dwellers?

tornwordo said...

Always saving the best for last. If being funny were a reliably paid position, you'd have quite a career.

Suzanne said...

can't. stop. laughing. don't even know where to begin on those points! ha ha

Heather said...

I heart you.

Frap Gurl said...

Ted Kaczynski.. I could never spell that right Thanks! Smoking fags.. so hot!

nongirlfriend said...

I'd love to know how you come up with this stuff!

Heidi the Hick said...

Does it bother anybody else that we lazy North Americans (and yes I include us lazy Canadians in there) can get on a plane to England, get out of the plane, and go straight to the rental car place and get a car? Do you know what they say when they hand you back your licence and give you the keys? They say, "right then, off you go."

I suspect the majority give up the first time they look left and get nearly hit on the right. Then give the car back. And it gets rented out five times a day like that.

Bloody hell I think I just figured it out.

Spirit said...

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Memphis Steve said...

Have you heard the comparisons between Foley and Barney Frank? Both were caught doing effectively the same thing, except Barney was actually caught slipping the weiner to the ... um ... underaged male page ass. But Frank was unrepentent and is today referred to as "the conscience of the Democratic Party." Hmm, this explains a lot.

Janet said...

It's so weird bc I was just thinking of the green/red reversal the other day! How twisted are we?!

phlegmfatale said...

That pages stuck together thing is an instant classic - well done!

Spinning Girl said...

I used to be so confused by "bridge freezes before pavement". I finally figured it out last year.

zooplah said...

"I started wondering whether I was queer ... Finally I cranked one out to a Sears Hanes-Her-Way commercial and I knew I'd turn out OK."
Maybe you're bi. ;)

MIA said...

FIrst, I would like to thank the blog academy for the tremendous honor of being linked. This moment could not have happened without all of my blog friends and the fact that bug's butt likes my boobies. ( music starts playing, tears are streaming, fade.....


and who says friday the 13th is not a lucky day!