10/24/2006

Bullet-ins

  • The workforce: companies paying just enough for employees to show up and employees doing just enough work not to get fired. Then some Employee-of-the-Year comes along and upsets the equilibrium we've all worked so hard to achieve.
  • The best thing about being better looking would be that you could spend less time grooming yourself and still look as good as you did before, when you were less attractive. If I were Brad Pitt, I wouldn't even take a bath.
  • Dear Apple: you included software to edit and create movies, maintain my schedule, file my music library, organize my photos, superintend my mail accounts, video conference on the web, customize my system to the nth degree, create comics, draw stuff, network wirelessly and play with my widgets. But a fucking word processing program was out of the question? Even Microsoft throws in a stripped-down word processor. And let's face it. They suck.
  • There's a psychology test that asks clients which animal they'd want to be if they had to be an animal. Men typically answer with various hunting cats and women usually elect to be a bird of some kind. Based on your reasons for choosing whichever animal, the test supposedly reveals your psyche. Myself, I'd choose a monkey for no other reason than, as far as I can figure, they're the only animal that can jerk off. I'm not trying to be crass here, folks. Seriously, what good is being king of the jungle if you can't pull your own pud?
  • If I were an insect, I'd find a dead bug, pull off a couple of its legs and stick them on my own body. Then if a spider crept up and tried to eat me, I'd gesture to my fake legs and say, “Hey, look. I'm one of you guys. Same team, amigo. Eight legs. Count'em if you don't believe me.”
  • I wonder why we still have to stick a box on top of our TVs to receive cable. In fact, why even have cable at all? Just transmit cable programming into our antennas like the old days. Or Bluetooth that shit in. Wireless cable. Wait. Forget it. That's an oxymoron.

53 comments:

tangled said...

I. Missed. First. Comment. Because. Of. You.
You shall pay.

But I will read your posts first.

tangled said...

Hmm. You are funny. I forgive you.
And I got first comment on one blog, anyway.

Miss Cellania said...

Didn't you receive Appleworks with your Mac? I did.

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

Word processing is obsolete. The mac now includes a USB cable that hooks right to your cranium, then you create a movie from it.

The next mac won't even have a keyboard.

mist1 said...

I must be really good looking. I have already had my weekly shower.

Jack K. said...

Dear Lightning Bug, check the applications folder for AppleWorks. You should find that which you are seeking.

Good luck.

Anonymous said...

Australian spiders can't count Bugs, they can't count legs either!!

Video X said...

I don't think it's really necessary to be better looking to be gross. I practice it frequently.

Cable box? I still have antenna ears. Best way to get rid of Direct TV salespeople...tell them you don't even have regular cable. They are clueless, speechless, amazed...gone!

NWJR said...

TextEdit, LBB. TextEdit. Use Spotlight to find it. If AppleWorks wasn't included (I don't know if they put it on the Mini or not), you do have TextEdit.

Yeah, it sucks...but it is exactly what you've asked for--a stripped-down word processor.

NWJR said...

"I'm not trying to be crass here, folks. Seriously, what good is being king of the jungle if you can't pull your own pud?"

Yes, but Lions can lick their own balls. It's a tradeoff...it's up to you to decide if it's better.

Heidi the Hick said...

Do you have Pages on your mac?

I only shower twice a week. I get away with it because I'm like, Zoolander level really really good looking.

Heidi the Hick said...

Listen, that whole dog mascot thing? Awesome. I'm convinced.

❉ pixie ❉ said...

I was thinking the same thing about Appleworks. Doesn't that come as part of the package anymore?

Oh great One said...

If I were Brad Pitt I'd never leave home. I'd just stay home and love myself. That's just me though.

Ginamonster said...

I bought Office for Mac. Ok, I didn't BUY it, I used my mom's. BUT if you buy the teacher/student edition you get 3 licences and it's cheaper.

By the way, Walruses masterbate. I wouldn't believe it, but I HAVE seen it. Pretty gross, but at least you know you have another option. Plus, hello? Tusks! (They can also pee in their own mouth.I don't know why that would be useful)

Toni said...

I happen to know that bats can suck their own dick upside down. I was at the zoo wandering around the bat exhibit when I see this bat start pleasuring himself. It was mesmerizing, and I praised the bat's agilities.

Then I hear this class field trip coming towards the bat exhibit. Not wanting for the poor teacher to have to withstand 30 questions from her class on bat masturbation, I started tapping on the glass to make him stop but he wouldn't, and they kept coming. "Oh well," I said, and walked away. Fortunately by the time the kids got there, the bat had stopped doing his thing.

stepha said...

i vote yes on the bluetooth wireless cable. (regardless of oxymoron). if that's not an option... why can't they just make the tv's all- digital cable/ satelitte ready?

Scottsdale Girl said...

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...
"Word processing is obsolete. The mac now includes a USB cable that hooks right to your cranium, then you create a movie from it."

Grrrreat! Can you imagine the porn that would be made from LBB's mind? wait, that might be good. I'd purchase it.

Violet said...

So, you're beginning to find that even Apple isn't invincible....

I'll be interested to hear what else goes wrong in the future. Makes me feel a little bit better, like maybe I don't want to be in the Apple club anyway....

Anonymous said...

today in (Circuit City), I saw a "cordless" telephone... with a cord on it. I don't get it.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Hold up everybody. Macs still kick ass. Mine amazes me every day. And I've already found a great, free Word clone.

.docs are now in the province of my sweet-ass sweet SmackIntosh.

jules said...

I can see you as a monkey. Yep. Sure can.

Anonymous said...

I would have picked the monkey for it's ability to fling warm feces at Brad Pitt.

RWB said...

"Wireless Cable" lmao...thats funny stuff right there!

Deb said...

I am so glad you found my blog and left me a comment! I was intrigued by your name so I had to check you out and dude you totally rock!

If I was single I would so stalk you, but not in that creepy way! :)

Anonymous said...

I'd want to be a monkey too, but that's because they can throw their poo at people they don't like and it's considered to be okay.

CP said...

I never shower. I'm simply THAT good looking.

CP.

Anonymous said...

"If I were Brad Pitt, I wouldn't even take a bath."

well, from the looks of him 1/2 the time, I don't think he DOES bathe often.

not to say that i wouldn't do him in all his filthy glory ANYWAY, but still...

nongirlfriend said...

Monkeys also get to throw their own shit.


Another determining factor in which animal you choose...

C said...

I want to say I would be a leopard. But a lion can bully others and get them to hunt for food for it. I am not so concerned about jerking off.

I thought Apple at least had something like NOTEPAD.

Heather said...

Brad Pitt is overrated.

Elaine said...

Just when I think I couldn't possibly be more impressed with you.. you come up with...insect dressing AS the spider in order to deceive and survive.

Genius.

tornwordo said...

Great bullets! I love oxymorons.

Molicious said...

See? That's what you get for buying an Apple! $2000 for a computer and no word processor. Totally figures.

Eddo said...

Wireless cable and internet piped free from the sky - that is what I say.

Anonymous said...

But if you're a big cat, you can give yourself a bj!

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Actually, you could come back as a parakeet. My Dad owns a parakeet that gets his rocks off on this set of toy rings they have hanging in his cage.

The ability to jerk off AND fly. how cool would that be! ;)

Memphis Steve said...

Do you think there's anything odd about men wanting to be jungle cats and women wanting to be birds, which cats eat? Do you suppose women are subconciously asking men to eat them? I know, most women will just flat out ask it with enough tequila in them, but we're talking about in the doctor's office here.

Spinning Girl said...

My friend Jen was married to Brad for a little while, and according to her, he smells.

Bone Sucker said...

Brad Pitt...ewwww. He just looks unbathed. Might catch saber-toothed crotch crickets!

You have a 'puter from the Froot and you're disturbed that it's loopy? Hello?

nettie said...

WEll you can just put me back!

Becky said...

Horses can jerk off too! They smack their dick up against their belly to masturbate. Most animals probably can masturbate we just only see dogs or monkeys doing it.

MIA said...

Mac is still the Mac daddy. Can I call you daddy? Daddy long legs that is.

Mike R. said...

I'm with Mo-licious on the Mac issue here guys. I'd advocate joining the 21st century and getting a PC.

And I hate the Employee of the Year. Its always the guy with the most flair. He goes way beyond the 15 required pieces of flair and even the 37 that your run of the mill brownnosers are sporting.

melanie said...

shooters:

Money sucks. But necessary.

Ah, The PC crowd aint so creative eh? GAmers and Programmers...sighs... I used to PC... but i Dont torture myself anymore... sad thing though, since 80% of the common market uses them, comparative software for the friendlier MAC tribe is slim pickens...

For my psychology test animal, I would pick a liger. its breed for its skills in magic. (vote for Pedro)

Cable is the devils calling card! how else could he get millions to veg out and feed them subliminal, "you are addicted to this show", messages to the masses?

as usual. brilliant.

Janet said...

Sometimes I doubt Brad Pitt does bathe. I know it works for Matthew McConahey (or however you spell the name I'm too lazy to look up)

mcBlogger said...

I think if your King of the Jungle, you wouldn't HAVE to "pull your own pud", as you like to put it. :-) You'd have the ladies clamoring to be with the KING !

Riss said...

You're freaking hysterical.

And also, your celebrity alter ego would be Johnny Depp then. He looks like he just lets the dirt get caked on then crust off, no need to bathe. He also looks like he smells worse than ass on a hot day, after football practice in prison.

Random Musings Of My Life said...

OK TOO FUNNY and I would love to sit with you for a day to see how your mind works.. crazy

Shoshana said...

Those oldies door-greeter at Wal-mart is not so bad you know. At least they're not as rude as those sport-car-driving-old-awful idiots that seems to populate Texas.

Die useless old rude people die! You'd think they should get to be "good example" before they drop dead.

Purring said...

You said pud. heehee

KB said...

I had to buy Office for Mac, but it works well.

Wireless cable. Now that's a good one. :)

It's Me, Maven... said...

The workforce: companies paying just enough for employees to show up and employees doing just enough work not to get fired.

I refer to this as the mutual status quo... Nothing but a holding pattern til something or someone better comes along...