10/31/2006

Bullets

  • I'm so in the habit of blogging. Today I read a news story and at the end I started looking for the "comment" hotlink.
  • Have you ever used a “soft” cuss word to guard against giving offense, but moderated the safe word with “fucking?” For example, what the fuckin' heck? Fuckin' oops. That defeats the purpose. That's like ordering a cheeseburger with a DIET Coke. You already did the bad thing, so doing the right thing doesn't count anymore.
  • I like to watch those cancer commercials where patient after patient looks into the camera and says something like, "I'm ready to fight my cancer." As they whiz by, I say out loud: "He's dead. She's dead. He's probably dead. Dead. Dead. He might make it; he looks a bit stronger than the others... dead, dead, and... dead. I know they're only actors, but still, some of them will probably get cancer someday.
  • I once told a cop to go "beat a confession" out of his own penis. Yes, I still got the ticket. And a couple bonus tickets, too.
  • I don't know how people decide on which tattoo. Those things are for LIFE. I can't even commit to a screen saver.
  • Men buy women drinks and women buy men greeting cards. We should invert these practices so that both sexes are happier. Dear Attractive Stranger at the End of the Bar: Looking forward to meeting you, getting to know you better and perhaps engaging in intercourse. All My Best, LBB.
  • Right now I'm listening to a 70s hit by Dr. Hook. The lyrics begin, “When you're in love with a beautiful woman, it gets hard. When you're in love with a beautiful woman, you know it's hard.” Well Dr. Hook, I'm sure under the right circumstance, that's true, indeed. Either that or she means nothing to you and it's the first thing in the morning. I'll wonder if Dr. Hook is a urologist.
  • I found this ironic. I was watching The View on television and I longed for a set of TV blinds. There really isn't much of a view. It's more of an eyesore what with that pig, Rosie O'Donnell. The camera zoomed on Rosie and before I thought to censor myself I exclaimed aloud, “Jeez, I'd rather get a “view” up Barbara Walters' dress.” The other shoppers in the Sears Appliance Department decided to ignore me.

44 comments:

Lyvvie said...

I'm going try the Barbara Walter's comment at the gym today to see what happens. Although, our version of The View is called Loose Women...no honest!! I can't imagine any of the cast of The View working a show called loose women; can you?

Lyvvie said...

Are you sure you didn't say "Fuckin' Jeez!" because I bet you did.

tornwordo said...

Lol at the cheeseburger/diet coke. And a gander up Wawa's dress? Shudder.

Anonymous said...

You should retry that Barbara Walters comment at Wal Mart Bugs, might just fly there??

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Dr. Hook! Oh my God...I used to LOVE his eye patch! ;)

And I think I've found my new calling in life...a greeting card creater for those wishing to "hook up".

"Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Three whiskey sours
and I'll wanna screw."

Of course, I will be keeping my day job...;)

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

I never argue with police officers or refs. You're never going to change their mind, the only outcome is you'll spend more time in the penalty box.

NWJR said...

I used to think Rosie was HAWT when she hosted that comedy show on VH-1. But then she got all obnoxious and haggy.

So sad.

mist1 said...

It doesn't matter what yu get tattooed on your body. It's placement that matters. Always get them n places where you can't see them. That's the key.

I can't even remember what's back there.

Heidi the Hick said...

I remember the moment when the lyrics from that Dr Hook song suddenly made sense to me. I was still young enough to giggle and blush right there on the school bus!

Much like the time I figured out the name Alpha Johnson. giggle. blush.

Cynthia said...

I use the phrase "fucking A" all the time. Why the hell don't I just go ahead and go all out with it? Beats me. I have never ordered a cheeseburger and a diet coke though. When it comes to food, if you're going to be bad, you might as well be really bad.

Miss Cellania said...

I'm so used to blogging that I told my mother-in-law to call, and if I wasn't home, leave a comment. Uh, I mean message.

❉ pixie ❉ said...

I'm fond of the Dr. Hook song "Lookin' for Pussy". Could be about a cat...but is it?

"I just gotta see her and tell her I need her.
Hurtin' without out her dreamin' about her.
Wonderin' what she's gonna do and who she's doin' it to."

Linda said...

The view was bad enough with Starr, but now Rosie...ugh. I avoid that show.

Redneck Nerdboy! said...

You are so right about Tattoos! It's like choosing a wife!

Anonymous said...

“Jeez, I'd rather get a “view” up Barbara Walters' dress.”

I never imagined I would hear anyone utter such abhorrence and now I wished I wasn't such a visual person!! The horror...


Wives are easier to remove than tattoos!

Oh great One said...

I love Dr. Hook! I have to admit though that I've never heard that song the way you do. I'm sure it's ruined for me now. I won't be able to hear it without your words in my head.

Miss Sassy said...

and
the
giggles
keep
on
comin...

crap on a fuckstick, I am SO glad you posted today!!

gusgreeper said...

all of my tattoos have personal meaning i've never gone 'off the wall' that is insane i don't get it. just not for me.

i talk to commercials a lot i love to say things like: do yah? did yah? i think you have to be there.

Molicious said...

Why in the hell were you watching The View?????

Janet said...

There's a kid in my third grade class who's taken a liking to saying "Holy Shoot". I still tell him it's inappropriate. You know, because it's my job and all.

Thanks for the compliments on my musical "notes"!

Spinning Girl said...

Fuckin' yowza.

MIA said...

I get those bar cards all the time, you married guys are sooo sheltered.
All I can say about the view is it makes me extremely embarassed to be of the same gender as those cuntflowers. AH I like the word buffers

Fathairybastard said...

You're crazy. Love the post. You didn't really say that to a cop. Naaaa.

Elaine said...

Hee hee! Now I'm going to be watching cancer commercials and judging their fate.

GOOD TIMES.

Snooze said...

I forgot the whole Rosie/Starr drama. I almost want to check out The View just to see the train wreck you describe. Almost.

Suzanne said...

I have't seen the show! I know...I know? Which rock have I been living under? It's just that I have no interest in hearing any of their opinions! and...
I don't want to see up Barbaras skirt either. *shudder* (Just for the record you know).

Jay said...

That Barbara comment says to me that your taste is questionable at best. The fact that you shop at Sears confirms it.

Dave Morris said...

The View. Proof that it doesn't have to be GOOD to be on television.

Apparently, that's also true with your stereo... Dr. Hook????

Just teasin', actually I like Dr. Hook. Favorite cut, "Sylvia's Mother." Ah, the memories!!!

ajooja said...

The problem with Diet Coke is that once you get a taste for it, regular Coke is pretty sickening.

So, a big greasy cheesburger and a Diet Coke isn't so much about "trying to lose weight" as much as it is about drinking and eating what you like.

Viva la Diet Coke!!!

JJ said...

I hear ya on the tat thing. Which is why my skin is presently as pure as the driven snow. Or Nicole Kidman, whichever. LOL

Anonymous said...

going back to the addicted to blogging thing? I've actually said LOL in response to something funny. THAT'S embarassing.

C said...

I don't think a view up that woman's dress would be any better. GACK

Toni said...

Come on now Bug, was "the view" on that show EVER good?

dawn said...

Please don't even joke about looking up Walters' dress. It's scary.

And you know, you can actually BUY those TV's and TAKE THEM HOME, so you don't have to be at the mercy of the employees who decide what to watch.

Just a thought.

Becky said...

"I once told a cop to go "beat a confession" out of his own penis. Yes, I still got the ticket. And a couple bonus tickets, too."

Sounds like someone has a problem with authority figures! Me too!

Memphis Steve said...

The world would be a far better place if "The View" were banned for all time.

I need me some of those greeting cards of yours. Where can I buy them?

melanie said...

soft cussword... um nope! either do it or don't is my motto. now that i have a kid i have started say "sheite" for shit, and "aaaaaaaa poodles" for fuck... seems appropriate.

i dont like watching cancer commercials. can't believe after all the research we can't isolate and cure some of that.

hee hee hee... beat a confession out of his penis. wish i would have thought of that.

i have been known to buy a few drinks for men and skip the greeting cards. :wink:

the view... if its so disturbing, why do you have it on? i mean, was Sports Center a repeat or something?

;-)

mcBlogger said...

Fucking crap! You were watching The View? I'm obviously oblivious to the going's on in daytime television, but what the fucking poop is Rosie O'Donnell doing on there? How'd I do with the soft vs hard cuss word? :-)

Migraine Boy said...

Salient points each and every one. However, I'm not ashamed to say that I would do Joy Behar. I think she's got some stuff to hang on to on her. First, I'd really dirty up that little Elisabeth Hasselbeck. I'd do stuff to her that is outlawed in 14 of the 48 contiguous states.

Susan as herself said...

Phew. For a moment I was worried you were actually watching "The View" in your own home.

I was ready to send psyciatric assistance and instructions on how to block that channel.

nongirlfriend said...

Funny about the comment hotlink!

nettie said...

Man. You just beat the hope out of those cancer commercials.

Melonie said...

Dear Attractive Stranger at the End of the Bar: Looking forward to meeting you, getting to know you better and perhaps engaging in intercourse. All My Best, LBB.

Priceless.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Well, fuckin' gee whiz. I think you could sell your line of bar greetings to Hallmark: When you care enough to rend the very best. Or the hooker version, vend the very best. Well, anyway.

I wouldn't worry about what the Sears crowd thinks. Besides, that may be the nicest thing anyone's said about Barbara for years.