10/20/2006

Dog is "God" spelled backwards

If I owned a business, it would be a business that has a dog hanging around the storefront. We've all walked into proprietorships that have a dog hanging around. Aren't they the best? If you were to take these businesses as a class (those with a dog mascott) you'd find they were the nicest, friendliest and most value-packed merchants of the lot. Also, they'd probably have the worst carpeting. No mystery there. Still, any business with a dog is a business you can trust. WalMart should have an old labrador retriever at the entrance instead of a bitter old person for whom Social Security isn't enough for food AND prescription drugs, and so for whom working in the "golden years" is a humiliating necessity. Imagine walking into a WalMart and instead of meeting the aforementioned senior citizen greeter, you spot the wagging tail of an old, trusty dog. Say, Fido, on what aisle are you keeping the trash bags? And don't take this personally, but I've got to pick up a shock collar for a 40-lb. dog. Do you stock those here? I'll bet WalMart wouldn't have so many haters if they kept mascot dogs on the sales floor. I don't care how big of an anti-corporate prick you are. You'd melt if you saw a dog in a blue WalMart smock.

Like I wrote above, my business would have a dog. The regular customers would know his name and give him a pet hello. At first, I'd have my dog hang out near the entrance and greet people. Eventaully I'd train him to work the register. I had a dog that would press her nose against her leash when she wanted to go for a walk. So I figure I could train a dog to press the digits on a cash register. Even if my dog didn't get the hang of our base-10 numeric system, he'd still be smart enough to work a laser scanner with his muzzle. Just take the merchandise into your mouth and drag it along the laser window, Fido. You'll be tempted to eat the candy bars and beef jerky. But don't. You'll lose your job and then I'll euthanize you. I'm just kidding, of course. I wouldn't euthanize my mascot dog for swiping a customer's Snickers bar. Jeez. He's working for free after all.

Check out this sign I'd post on the cash register:

All transactions in doggie dollars. To calculate your bill, multiply your total by seven.

Tell me that wouldn't be the cutest thing you ever saw. I don't know if it would be worth paying 9 dollars for a roll of paper towels and $27 for a gallon of milk. Imagine the profit margins if you could pull that off.

Let's say you owned a shop. Everybody knows that shoplifting is a huge financial risk for retail shops. But if you had a dog watching the sales floor, you wouldn't have to worry. The dog would either identify the crook in the manner of a search dog, or savage the crook in the manner of Cujo on a crack binge. It would depend on the size and temperament of the dog and how you train him. Either way, that waistoid teenager isn't making it to the door with those stolen Zig Zag rolling papers. Good boy, Fido. I hope you don't get a contact buzz from biting into that waistoid's flesh.

Shoplifting deterrence is one of a myriad of advantages of having a mascot dog for your business. Here's a list of others:
  • No more "wet mop" clean-ups. Fido will lap up that broken bottle of Gatorade.
  • Canine garbage disposal for outdated and spoiled inventory.
  • Doubles as security system.
  • Companionship during long hours and 7-day workweek.
  • Pooper-scooper and Milk Bones are now tax-deductable business expenses.
  • Kids love'em.
  • Customers more willing to spend once they learn you're a dog lover because they'll trust you more. A dog mascot is better than an endorsement from the Better Business Bureau.
Pretty big list, eh? If you're a business owner, get yourself a dog. Not only are dogs cool. They're great employees, too.

41 comments:

Violet said...

Very cute idea, indeed. Then again, I didn't really take you for a "cute idea" kind of person. Show's what kind of judge of character I am.

I do have to mention the possibility of alienating the cat people. Then again, you probably wouldn't want those stuck-up people patronage anyway.

Jack K. said...

And the benefits list for them is minimal.

What an idea.

lol

Dorothy said...

I actually have 2. Our Missouri office sports a japanese chin, and our Iowa office has a beagle, and our leg-breaker English Springer Spaniel.

jules said...

As long as it's not one of this stupid little yippy breeds like a chihuahua, I'm good with it. I'd have to stomp one of those little mo fos into the ground.

Oh great One said...

We used to shop at a sports store with a "dog mascot". It was a tiny little thing with a bed on the counter near the register. It didn't make me spend more money though. I guess I didn't get the memo. I'm always out of the loop.

Memphis Steve said...

I'm thinking the dog idea will work as long as the ASPCA doesn't complain. But if they do we should shoot them anyway. The dog will eat the evidence and no one will ever know.

merili said...

What if someone is afraid of dogs?
I personally love them but a bunch of people I know, wouldn't enter a store even if they saw a cartoon image of one...

kissashark said...

I guess I'd have to own like a metal shop or something, cause pretty much everyone is afraid of my dogs....course I like it that way. I always wanted to take my dogs to work....hence I now work out of my living room! LOL!

BTW...what kinda walmart brand garorade you drinkin that comes in anything but plastic?

Miss Cellania said...

I had a big dog who was afraid of storms. If no one were home to let her in, she'd wander downtown til she found an open door, which was usually a business of some kind. Since our number was on her collar, I got calls about her. But when I'd go to pick her up, they would always want to keep her!

Miss Sassy said...

I OWNED the mascot dog at my first job. It was a family owned and operated computer shop, the regulars would bring jerky treats for my pup, and there was always a nice distraction for the kiddies when the parents needed to think about the upgrade.
You're right - places with dogs are quite simply superior. And I'm not just saying that because my dog has CONVERTED cat people with her awsomeness either.
Nice topic, now I'm all warm and fuzzy with pup thoughts =) Needed the pick me up lbb, somehow you never cease to amaze.

mist1 said...

$9 for a roll of paper towels is a deal. I but Gucci paper towels. Monogrammed, of course.

Hammer said...

All the hippy stores have mascot cats. They lay around getting hair everywhere and generally stinking up the place with their cat box.

And god help you if you run over their tail with a shopping cart.

exile said...

plust they can't fill out those pesky "workman's comp" forms

Scottsdale Girl said...

I keep thinking that if a bottle broke and the dog was licking the liquid (hmm...licking the liquid...ok anway - wouldn't his tongue get cut up?

That's me, always looking out for the animals.

Anonymous said...

"A dog mascot is better than an endorsement from the Better Business Bureau."

Dude, Word!!

tornwordo said...

Here here! (or is it Hear, hear?)

NWJR said...

There's an autobody shop down the road from us that has a dog--an aging beagle that's been there forever. It's even on their sign. I swear, that fucking dog is 80 years old (and I'm not talking dog years). They're going to have to stuff him when he dies, or they'll lose all their customers.

Anonymous said...

Hey Bugs I think you're gonna have trouble floating that Doggie Dollars idea.

nongirlfriend said...

It is intriuging how your mind works.


And I don't think I spelled that right.

Fathairybastard said...

The stores with dogs laying behind the counter or cats on the bags of mulch are always cool. Never chain stores ether. Also love it when you go to a gun show and they've got their dog laying on a rug behind the table. Saw a lot of pets in stores in England when I was a kid. People here are too anal about cleanliness and shit. Try taking Fido into a restaurant and see what happens, unless it's your seeing eye dog. The cool places will allow it.

Anonymous said...

You know, I've brought my 6 ft iguana into work a few times...people just didn't have the same reaction.

Wussies.

Random Musings Of My Life said...

I think your on to something.
One of the stores I go to has a cat that roams around and if it likes you it comes up and bugs you to pet it,

Shoshana said...

Hmm, all dogs are not equal.

I used to have a dog, we named him which roughly translate to "guard"

About the only thing he's ever guarded is his doggy bowl.

He's always adorable and sweet, but he's jealous of my kids when they started coming along. I cried buckets when we have to let him live with our next door neighbor because I didn't want him to have my daughter for a meal.

QofD said...

I like the idea, but what do you do when the PETA people start clamoring for fair wages? Since it would be a travesty to euthanize a dog, could we save euthanize the PETA people?

Yasamin said...

what are you old navy? soon we will be seeing groovty commercials with your doggy and morgan fairchild. lol

your fired. lol

ps wouldnt make for hilarious times to have an ex drug searching dog in the front of walmart?? hehehe hijinks ensue...

Sherri said...

I totally agree. Great idea.

MIA said...

Any place that ends in "mart" should have dogs not only managing the place but working at ALL stations. Cashiers, customer service, stock check, price checks. They hire the most stupid humans. Sometimes if my bill is 26.04 I'll give 30.25 just to send them in a frenzy. Dogs would be much more appreciative of your business instead of a human grunting when you leave dogs would give a wag and a lick. Oh this goes for Pets "mart" too. They should own the joint.

KB said...

I don't trust anyone who dislikes dogs.

I would buy something from the store with a dog. I'd even spend more just to see the dog.

You're right for sure. Dogs rule.

Oh, and welcome to MacLand. I have 2 PC's and one Mac. Love it!

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Dogs DO rule.

And just think, you'd never have to frisk the customers because your dog can do it for you....you know, with the whole crotch/butt sniffing thing...

:)

Ginamonster said...

I would have a dog in my store. In fact, that's the only way I would have a dog, if I could have it with me at all times. Those are the BEST dogs. But tile in there. It stays cleaner than carpet.

However, people who bring their yippy little dogs everywhere and carry them in purses should be euthanized.

Migraine Boy said...

At closing you let pit bulls and dobermans loose to run the stragglers out. Man, I'd pay in doggy dollars to see that!

C said...

I like dogs but not the doggy smell. Make sure you bathe yours or I won't patronize your establishment.

mcBlogger said...

there is a store here in Fredericton. It's called the Urban alminac. They sell everything from unique kitchen gadgets to special gift ideas and fancy lotions. It's a locally owned business and they have a dog. It's a great big chocolate lab and he just mozies around the store, sidling up to customers for a pet, or lounging by the door catching a cool breeze while he naps. It's very cool. The owner always keeps a bowl of dog treats and a fresh bowl of water out for locals taking their dogs out for a walk by the store. Gotta love small town hospitality.

Swampwitch said...

This is my first visit here. I try to visit a new blog every day. I have spent so much time just looking at the avatars on your comment page that I've forgotten what your post was about...oh, yeah, dogs in stores. I love to walk into a store and find a dog. I usually forget what I looking for. I think Telluride has more dogs per capita than any place on the face of the Earth. I counted 17 dogs on one block, not counting those in the stores. I love dogs. I have three Boxers.

Lucia said...

I'm loving it! I'd be a happy camper with a dog in every store. All those poochie smoochies.

Latigo Flint said...

Yeah, I'd probably shop there.

Dogs can smell fear by the way. Lawyers should get to have dogs at their side when they're cross-examining witnesses with something to hide.

Toni said...

It would have to be a cool looking dog though, not some old, sickly one that just irritates the customers. My boyfriend and I went to a small lamp store once, and the owner's dog would sit right by the door, getting in people's way. He wasn't cute either.

Spinning Girl said...

WalMart would have one of those little yapper dogs that bites your ankles.

JJ said...

And dogs lack the opposable thumbs necessary to "go postal" at your place of employment.

It's Me, Maven... said...

Doggie Dollars! That explains it! That explains how or why I bought a container of Metamucil (on vacation) and it cost $17.99 (and no, sadly, it wasn't one of those economy sized jugs, either).

Ari said...

Dogs are indeed good employees. I let mine talk to telemarketers.