10/06/2006

I talk to inanimate objects

Do you ever talk to inanimate objects? I do. I carry on entire conversations with inanimate objects. They're mostly one-sided. It's usually when I'm angry.

Now that I think about it, all my conversations with inanimate objects are when I'm angry. I need to express to them just how they make me feel. It's unhealthy to keep anger inside. And communication is the foundation of thriving relationships. Take my piece-of-crap ex-computer, for example. He and I had many hostile conversations. What a conversationalist! Ah, the names and epithets I hurled at that old PC. Poor bastard. I called him every name imaginable. What do you mean the program is not responding, you fuckin' jag-off? Your mother was a Celeron whore.

I just get so angry sometimes.

I confess that on occasion my heated words escalate to physical assaults. Computer equipment in particular can enrage me to the point where someone (or something) must pay. I'm gonna kick some Western Digital ass up in this mother fucker. I have a Canon printer currently seeking a restraining order against me. The court petition recounts an incident where the printer allegedly "kept streaking fucking lines through the text" and the defendant "swung the petitioner (Canon Bubble Jet) around by a USB cable resulting in collision with the monitor and catastrophic failure of the cartridge driving mechanism." What a fucking cry baby, huh? Anyway, verbal and physical abuse of one's computer equipment falls under new domestic violence statutes (thanks a million, OJ Simpson!). So I have to remain 50 feet from that printer. My pleasure.

I kicked a Pentium tower a couple of years ago. He was provoking me. Bastard wouldn't listen to reason. I spent 19 minutes downloading the newest version of Windows Media Player. Then I discovered I need a special Active X plug-in (put the plug-in in the fucking install.exe, schmuck!). Finally, this cock-smoker computer informs me that I have to reboot for the system changes to take effect. That's his ass, right there. Don't judge me, folks. Look, if you keep me waiting 4 extra minutes for a reboot because you can't handle a Java app, it's coming out of your ass. I don't give a shit whether it's made of flesh or silicon; I'm taking my pound of flesh. Or silicon. Whatever. Anyway, I kicked that tower in the chips so hard, the lab technicians at Intel doubled over. Good. Those little space-suit-wearirng fucks deserved it for manufacturing such crap. I recently bought a Mac. Peace at last. Although this wiseass is telling me he can't read Word.doc files. Maybe he needs a Crack-intosh. Rimshot.

I converse with other inanimate objects, too, not just computer stuff. My old clunker car, for example, bore the brunt of my one-sided soliloquies. How about this little hesitation thing your car likes to pull when you're pulling into speeding traffic? Last month I had a tow-truck speeding toward the intersection and as soon as my car lurched into the lane, it sputtered. It never sputtered before. Now I'm taping the floorboard like Sammy Davis, Jr. trying to find a pedal that will get things moving before I get an ass-ful of engine hoist and naked lady mud flaps. Boy, I had a few choice words for my car the last time that happened. We'll see how hesitant you are with my foot in your dashboard!

Again, sometimes I do more than just talk. I've often fantasized about lighting my car on fire, or ditching it on the south side and letting the vatos locos on 6th street jack the shit out of it for parts. I'd enjoy watching that after my second $500 fuel pump in 18-months(!) failed and left me stranded on I-10. Great timing, you shit-box of a Chevy. You couldn't crap out in the garage where I could wait for Triple-A from the comfort of my own home. Instead, you run perfectly until we've driven into the countryside set from Deliverance. Then you strand my ass 20 miles away from Billy Bob's Auto Repair and City-boy-Ass-Raper, the only mechanic within towing distance. You six-cylinder cunt! If I were in pushing distance of a railroad crossing, I'd have rolled that bitch onto the rails, bought a bag of popcorn from Circle-K and waited for the Ol' Number 9 to arrive. No such luck, however. In the end, self-control got the better of me and I gave it to my step-daughter for her birthday.

Sometimes people who care about me explain that yelling at inanimate objects is juvenile, counter-productive and psychotic. I appreciate their counsel, but mostly I wish they were a car part, a tool or a computer component so I could kick the shit out of them without committing a felony. They just don't understand. These objects must pay for their transgressions. And as judge, jury and executioner, I square accounts in pain. But I'm not some hothead despot who demands death upon the first offense. I reserve harsh language and smack-downs for repeat offenses. Anybody can make a mistake. Perhaps it was just a misunderstanding. But when these computers, appliances and cars pull the same shit over and over again, they're doing it on purpose. They're provoking me. I need to show them who's the boss. I'm Tony Danza up in this mother fucker, motherfucker. I'm Ike and your faulty ass is Tina Turner, you warranty-expired-last-week-son-of-a-bitch.

I'd love to continue, but I have to go rip a fire alarm that won't stop chirping off the wall and "reason" with it. Honey, get me my ball-pein hammer. I'm going to show the fire alarm how to really make some noise.

45 comments:

Evil Genius said...

You sound exactly like my dad!! When something went wrong (and he didn't think we kids were around) he would let loose with a string of cursing epithets that was legendary. And sometimes he also had to "reason" with inaminate objects. By which I mean he taught them a lesson, damn straight and good. LOL You guys crack me up!!

tornwordo said...

and I gave it to my step-daughter for her birthday

Great line.

Anonymous said...

By my SEARCHING out FOR THE LATEST INFORMATION about Cheap Vacations I have found your site.

Anonymous said...

the defendant "swung the petitioner (Canon Bubble Jet) around by a USB cable resulting in collision with the monitor and catastrophic failure of the cartridge driving mechanism."

Too goddamm funny, that's all I can say

phlegmfatale said...

Hell yeah, I talk to inanimate objects - I'm typing to a website at this very second - I thrive on addressing shit that can't talk back to me. That's normal, innit?

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

I code "responses" from my programs so that I can be taunted by my programs. One person called the help desk when they saw my message "Try again, Sherlock." on their screen and wondered what the hell was going on.

Miss Cellania said...

Another thing to be thankful for: that I am not one of your inanimate objects.

mist1 said...

As I spend much of my time alone in my home, I talk to inanimate objects all day long. I ask the fridge, "How long has that been in here?!" It never answers.

Heather said...

How's your blood pressure?

Anonymous said...

Don't tell me the love affair with the Mac has hit it's first stormy passage, better make sure it has a "talk" with the Canon printer.

Bennet said...

Funny.
I'm trying to test my a vcr to record and it's not working. It seems to know I need it. Perhaps it wants me to slam it with a sledgehammer. Perhaps it's desire is to lay upon a junk pile with all of it's friends...

Oh great One said...

If it keeps you from beating innocent bystanders then talk on my friend!

Anonymous said...

I feel horrible that anonymous found your page by checking (underlined) cheap vacations. I wouldn't call you cheap - but then we've never dated...

Talk on!

Anonymous said...

the first day I had my new mp3 player I had quite a few choice words for it since that fucker didn't WORK! Then I realized I simply was too stupid to figure out it was a scrollpad and not a touchpad....

*nervous giggle*

Violet said...

i had a college roommate once who would talk to her... uhmmm... "toys"....

sometimes it was in frustration that the batteries weren't working.

other times, it was a bit kinder.

Heidi the Hick said...

Y'know, I haven't sworn at, abused, or mutilated a computer since I got my little black mac.

But I do sweet talk my pickup truck all the time. It's never broken down on me! It's like a rock! It rolls out the thunder! It's the heartbeat of Amer...ontario!!!

So...do you talk to the voices in your head too or is that justme?

NWJR said...

Step away from the Mac, LBB. Slowly.

Junebugg said...

I sweet talk all automobiles.... the damn things have the power to strand you in the middle of nowhere. Yep, I really know how to suck up..............

keda said...

ooh yes.. i do that. and i've passed the habit onto my kids. if something doesn't work they give it a whack before asking for help.

and a while ago when their dad came to visit they saw bush on the telly briefly and informed him that "he's a very naughty man and he's talking ABSOLUTE rubbish"

as i've not yet done the big nerds and the peepees political speach yet they can only have learnt such keen views from mummy shouting at the telly.

the word 'fuckwit''s also slipped in there from too much time at the computer.

bad mummy bad.

jules said...

Maybe it's because I'm a woman, but I DO talk sweetly to my car. *I NEED her to get around!

Then curse her ass when she's out of hearing range.

frozen ananas said...

i used to have the same problem until i stopped talking to my ex-boyfriend.

Sharon said...

You get mad? I would never have guessed.

C said...

Two words: Anger Management

Spinning Girl said...

Wow, you are a freak. Why can't you just channel your rage into an eating disorder, like normal people?

Spinning Girl said...

p.s. I once "punished" my car by slitting my own tire.

Chris-el-da said...

your mother is a celeron whore

love it!

Yasamin said...

I kicked that tower in the chips so hard, the lab technicians at Intel doubled over.

oh my god! I laughed so hard i almost tinkled in my pants!!!!

I feel your pain Bug's. Seriously. we should start a support group. Technological Anger Management hehehe

Ari said...

I try to cajole my computers/printers with "come on, baby" or some other such sweet talk. They're probably cybergiggling at my pathetic, permissive parenting.

Scottsdale Girl said...

My computer has been called BITCH on many many occasions... Great Post LBB...nice gigglin Monday morning for me!

gael_cee said...

You might try a fresh 9 volt in the smoke detector. If that don't work get the hammer.

Memphis Steve said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who does that. My computers can fly, but always with my help. I should probably start buying laptops. They'd do less damage to the sheetrock, although being lighter I suppose they might fly faster. Maybe I should move my computer to the garage and tie a cable to it with the other end tied to the ceiling? Yeah, then when I threw it the stupid piece of shit would just spin in the air like a tether ball set. Hey, great idea for a new game!

Anonymous said...

I talk like that to my computers. I've been kicking the one up front daily for months because the IT guy refuses to replace it and whenever I cover phones, I can't do shit. I figure if I kick it enough, something will come lose and crash it. :)

Do you ever have the one-sided conversations with people you're angry at? I often find myself lecturing people on where the gas pedal is, how to freaking merge onto a highway... if only they could hear me. :P

dawn said...

This had me cracking up. I too tend to become violent with computerized things. The only bad part about attacking a computer is that often that does little in the way of helping to solve the problem. In fact it usually causes more problems, which in turn cause me to become even more insane. At least if you attack a person you don't have to clean up their parts afterwards.

Bennet said...

damn it I think I read this alreay ...still funny thou

Becky said...

I talk when only inanimate objects are around to listen, but I'm not talking to the object... I call it thinking out loud so as not to sound crazy...

mcBlogger said...

Okay, third time today, I've asked someone this. "have you ever seen the movie Office Space?" hilarious. If you haven't, I suggest it, then you'd understand why "PC Load Letter?, what the fuck does that mean?" is so funny. They make my dreams come true as they completely destroy a fax machine. Beautiful, like ballet!

Susan as herself said...

I can completely relate. Not only do I have screaming matches (one sided) to many inanimate objects, but I often maim or "kill" them. One time I beat a wooden laundry drying rack to splinters in the bathtub. Very satisfying. And entertaining for the neighbors, I am sure.

mackeydoodle said...

OMG!!! I LMAO reading this post!!!! You & my hubby must be long lost twins!!!
He does exactly the same thing!

exile said...

dude, don't physically and/or emotionally abuse computers...

that's what children are for

Random Musings Of My Life said...

LMAO..ok I confess, I talk to objects as well, AND usually when I am mad.. sometimes I even egg myself on and respond to my own self just to make the situation worse..
DAMN it feels good though

Mom of Three said...

Talking to inanimate objects is better than seeing dead people.

Lucia said...

Does this extend to, say, things like salad?

Anonymous said...

Dude, you'd better stay the hell away from MY computer! :p

MIA said...

I feel so used, cheap, low valued. I was estactic when I got the word you linked me. I called everyone I know and thats tons of peeps. I'm even hawking your book. But now I sit and read your comments and find out all I had to do was ask? Like Purring? Just ask and poof wish granted. Fine, move me up to genius


bitch

barista grazioso said...

Maybe you'd feel better if you beat the crap out of an anarchist or illegal alien. Just a suggestion.

I need an excuse to buy a new computer. You've inspired me. :)