10/11/2006

Nine points of light

• The organ of the imagination must reside in one's stomach. I ate some old pizza on Monday and it poisoned my innards. The nausea lingered for two days, during which time I couldn't conjure a single idea. I now know that creative writing requires tranquility of the stomach -- and poisoning of the mind.

• My dog hates me. In a house full of easy-to-clean tile and hardwood, she plops one out on the rug. I'm never around to catch her in the act, but I suspect while she's squatting, she's growling, "Take that, you Milkbone-rationing biped."

• Dogs must really be confused by leashes. In a dog's mind, it doesn't add up. They don't know from leash laws, speeding cars, coyotes or other perils of their environment from which a leash protects them. They just think their leash is cruel and unusual. "Let me get this straight. I can drink from the toilet, lounge on every piece of furniture in the house, eat anything I can reach with my muzzle, crap all over the yard, but I can't wander more than 5 feet from you without being choked?"

• Missouri's state flag should have a picture of an out-of-wedlock pregnant teenager on it. Either that or a banjo. You know, that Gateway Arch isn't an abstract. It's a 100x scale model of a Missourian girl's legs after Billy Bob wined-and-dined her at the local Sizzler.

• Factories should have a sign telling passers-by what the factory builds. I drive by factories, glance at the tanks, study the smokestacks, trace the paths of ladders, pipes, scaffoldings and power-lines with my eyes, sample the smells, etc, but I never figure out what the hell the factory is making. This vexes me. That's why people don't like factories in their neighborhoods. Not knowing drives us crazy. We're not good at not knowing. I'm often tempted to pull into the factory, walk up to the door, knock, and when the guy answers, poke my head in and take a look around. "Hey Slick, what's in the oven?" Hey, I just thought of something. Do you suppose the factory that makes Liquid Smoke has chimneys? After all, they don't want to waste any product. And where do they get the smoke? If I was the factory foreman, I'd just run some pipe from Willie Nelson's tour bus into the bottles. Cha-ching. Liquid Smoke, now in 3 new flavors: Ganja, Crank Menthol and Pearl Jam Concert.

• After listening to some of their lyrics, I think we should rename System of a Down, System of a Douche Bag.

• I saw a film on YouTube featuring a Japanese game show where you have to recite tongue-twisters flawlessly or else -- I'm NOT making this up -- a machine smacks you in the groin. One would think failure to recite a tongue twister would earn you a titty twister. Maybe that's too smart by half. On second thought, a mechanical slap in the marbles makes the most sense. You've got to give credit to the Japanese. First they dominate the auto industry. Now they've set their sights on game shows. Hey, I just thought of something. You know how you squint when you aim a gun? How does a Japanese guy shoot a gun? He's already squinting. If he squints any tighter he'll be shooting in the fuckin' dark. Show yoself, you round-eye cah-wad. Who tun out lights?

• After I see a spider on television, every blemish on the wall, every piece of yarn on the carpet and every tickle on my skin -- they all become spiders. Oh God -- is that a... no, it's just a clump of dog hair. Sweet Jesus, is that a black widow? No, it's just an old pinto bean. But no matter how much pornography you watch on TV, you don't start mistaking stuff for boobs and cooters. Holy cow, look at the naked lady.. awww! It's just a couple of melons and a scrub pad.

• Good news. DDT is making a comeback. It took 35 years of bickering, but everybody finally agreed that 2 million malaria deaths every year were a bigger tragedy than thinner bird-egg shells. Yay for humans!

52 comments:

tornwordo said...

That Missouri point of light was genius.

Anonymous said...

I'll have you know that I was a married pregnant teenager...

mist1 said...

Most factories make fortune cookies. I am sure about this because it's really the only thing I can imagine on a conveyor belt.

Anonymous said...

I'm with you on DDT Bugs, should never have been banned.

Violet said...

You know, at first I was feeling sorry for you since you got sick from the pizza. I was wondering if this, also, was pizza that you got out of the trash can, since you apparently didn't learn your lesson the last time.

Then you had to make the crack about Missouri and the Arch. That hurts... You must be jealous that you never got any as a teenager and all the bass-ackwards kids in MO were boinking like bunnies.

It's Me, Maven... said...

Yay indeed!!

Danke Shane said...

See...this is why I just passed through Missouri. Knocked up a few farm gals after a Golden Corral buffett and off I go...

Jack K. said...

Having just returned from Washington, MO during an Octoberfest at the local wineries, I can tell you that the U. of MO students do enjoy their wine.

I'm betting that some of them would be trying to imitate/emulate the arch, if the could sober up just enough.

Yipes!! Look out!! (CCR is playing Looking Out My Back Door right now.) Was that a spider or a hair ball?

Liquid smoke stacks. Too much.

Anonymous said...

Ooohhh, the spider thing....oooohhh...just READING about that I'm going to be picturing spiders everwhere!

Just my luck, I'll be seeing spiders everywhere, but nary a penis. **Sigh**

Purring said...

My Dad used to 'fog' our yard with this foul smelling bug stuff. It was sooo much fun to run through it. Now that I think about it...some things are beginning to make perfect sense.

Anonymous said...

See dude! I'm itchy now.

It only takes a hint of a suggestion and I'm off to hysteria land.

Thanks.

Anonymous said...

You dug that pizza out of the trash again...didn't you?

Christina_the_wench said...

You crazy pizza-poisoned ass! I'm dying here. I will be back....daily. Like your crapping dog.

jules said...

You crack me up!

melanie said...

who knew there was so much humor coming out of Arizona these days! this is great stuff! i bet sarcasm is your middle name.

spiders, meh. its not a worry, agree with system of a down comment, and why do the japanese have such freaky reality TV? oh yea, missouri may be backwards, but they do have the cardinals.

;-)

kissashark said...

Drive by a paper factory when you get a chance, roll down all the windows and breathe deep and try to figure out how paper could smell so god awful!
We've told you time and time again, STOP TAKING FOOD OUTA THE TRASH! If the the shitting dog won't eat it NEITHER should you! :) Can't wait for the next post....

exile said...

asians resent when you make fun of their eyes

i threatened to blindfold one with a piece of dental floss and she got pissed. luckily they dont' all know kung-fu like i thought.

Suzanne said...

It's a dog conspiracy (the pooping on the only rug in the house). I bet your dog calls my dog and they laugh about it all night long! The little shits!

Fathairybastard said...

First off, why so pissed off at Missouri? And the DDT thing... turns out they didn't give the birds enough calcium, so of course their eggs were brittle. Nice, millions of malaria deaths later, as you said.

The Kept Woman said...

RE: the spider thing...I had that with scorpions in Texas. Those little fuckers would just freak me out. Every little sound or motion caught out of the corner of your eye...
Coincidentally, amen for the DDT. Maybe that can wipe out the scorpion population too...

Spinning Girl said...

I had my first pseudo-lesbian experience in the fruit aisle at the grocery store today. Once I get brave I'll move to Household Cleaners.

oh and about DDT, people suck. so does disease, though.

Yasamin said...

Liquid Smoke, now in 3 new flavors: Ganja, Crank Menthol and Pearl Jam Concert.

okay thats the funniest thing i have read in days!!! that and the japanese thing. hahaha... hahahahaha!

Chelle said...

OMG I am like that with the spider thing too...lol and here I thoguht it was just a "me" thing....lol

Melonie said...

Missouri, DDT and dog crap who knew they all could be so funny!

Miss Understanding said...

Thanks for the chuckle I REALLY needed that!

Rav`N said...

But whenever the milkbone-rationing biped pulls out the leash, the dog could be in for a walk through the outside world. So they're probably not even sure if they should like the leash or not.

Shoshana said...

I'm never eating anything spoiled agian because food poisoning wasn't so funny when it dumped me on the ground, crawling for relief.

C said...

Well then why does every thing seem phallic to me. I see dicks everywhere - oh wait those are jus the dickheads I work with.

mcBlogger said...

I don't know about the dog leash thing. My dog's crazier than a bag'O'hammers, and she gets excited about her leash, cuz she's going outside. Hoooboy...outside...oh ya...woof woof! The fact that her collar has spikes that dig into her neck if she pulls too hard doesn't seem to phase her one bit. She's still outside...jump jump bark bark!!

mcBlogger said...

I don't know about the dog leash thing. My dog's crazier than a bag'O'hammers, and she gets excited about her leash, cuz she's going outside. Hoooboy...outside...oh ya...woof woof! The fact that her collar has spikes that dig into her neck if she pulls too hard doesn't seem to phase her one bit. She's still outside...jump jump bark bark!!

Video X said...

yeah...that factory thing really drives me nuts...GEES! the least they could do is put up a sign..."hey we build those little metal pieces that hold some thingermajig together" or something. I'd be satisfied.

Molicious said...

Hey, screw you. I'm from Missouri.

;o)

Memphis Steve said...

That does it. I'm heading to Missouri.

Anonymous said...

hey now, I love System of a Down! some of their lyrics are a bit odd, but they rock!

and now I'm totally jonesing for some Liquid Smoke in Ganja flavor. I'd be eating steak every night if they sold that!

Jennifer said...

I'm with McBlogger, my dogs are thrilled when I get out the leash becasue they get to go for a walk, even with torture spiked stabbing their necks when they pull. But then she's a sled dog, so I guess it's in her nature. Oh, and abotu the Japenese shooting....maybe thats why you rarely see one with a gun. I mean, really, when's the last time you saw that?

Bone Sucker said...

Missouri - The corner of bum-fuck and "you got a perty mouth!"

Random pinto beans? Wow, thought I was the only one that happened to! "It's a small world after all..."

Susan as herself said...

Here in Chicago there is this one really old warehouse factory buiding with just one sign on it that reads: BABY FACTORY.

I always walk on the opposite side of the street.

Oh great One said...

It must be an animal code of ethics or something. My cats do the same thing. I've got tile and brick floors but they go to hack a hairball up on my carpet. ARG!

Carrie said...

Japanese tv is the best! They come up with some truly crazy stuff!

Your dog sounds like my cat, who when irritated that I'm one second late in changing the litterbox - heads straight into the dining room.

Purring said...

Hey you...you don't love me? Where's my linky thingy over there...........................>

MIA said...

OMG! I am so glad I was born in New York that keeps me from saying I'm "from" MO.
I know your wondering if I'm still working my ass off......

Lucia said...

Ain't you right about the great state of Missouri (aka Misery). Now that thar old pizza must've made your mind whip around topics like a dog skidding on a tile floor and taking a dump on the rug.

Anonymous said...

I went to a large carnival in Independence Missouri. There were 352 preganant teenagers and 32 teeth between them.

All those factories make soilent green. So now you know.

DDT is great on salad

Dogs crap on the carpet because it feels more natural They can just scoot around cleansing themselves when finished.

Random Musings Of My Life said...

Ok water is coming out of my nose..
Oh and I linked you.. I had to.. lol

Ultra Toast Mosha God said...

I was hoping that you might be referring to the DDT popularised by Jake 'The Snake' Roberts.

Presumably, it can be used to pin Malaria for a three-count in a way I had not forseen.

Anonymous said...

That wasn't a "clump of dog hair."

It was a spider.

And it bit you.

And you will soon die. ;)

Steve~

MyUtopia said...

LOL, thanks for the laugh!

The Production Manager said...

The smoke stacks are for effect only, much like a fireplace.

My factory, we do electronics.

Scottsdale Girl said...

"Take that, you Milkbone-rationing biped."
I totally heard my dog say that last night.

Great stuff LBB, great stuff.

Evil Genius said...

Yep, System of a Douchebag, for sure. Hey, maybe if you quit playing their music your dog will quit dumping on the rug. Maybe the poor thing is trying to tell you your listening to shit?

MIA said...

I feel so used, cheap, downgraded. Just this morning when I learned the news that you linked me, I was estatic. I called everyone I knew. I started hawking your book. Then I'm reading your comments and I find out all you have to do is ask to get linked? Just ask like Purring did? I would have done that a long tme ago if it were that easy. Ok fine here goes, make me a genius.

bitch

Anonymous said...

I'm afraid of spiders too :-)

Did you see the Japanese game show that has a naked guy bent over on some contraption... his butt facing another contestant... everytime he answers a question wrong, the board with naked guy on it moves closer to his face... if he answers several wrong he has this guys butt right up in his face so far you can't see his nose. ewww.