10/18/2006

Some more bullets

  • Imagine the lives we'd live if we endeavored to do two things: never underestimate ourselves and never overestimate ourselves. And if we never mis-underestimated ourselves, we could grow up to be president.
  • As long as I'm doing it, it's OK. For example, if I miss some dialogue on the TV because I'm talking, I don't miss it. But if my wife talks during my favorite sit-coms, I may have to go spousal. While driving, too, I find that when I'm the guy holding up the passing lane it's not so bad. After all, I have a few minutes to spare. I wouldn't want to miss my turn. Those guys behind me will just have to wait. But when somebody else is doing it, I'm fumbling about the glove compartment for my revolver. Incidentally, Bono and Wesley Snipes feel the same way about avoiding income taxes.
  • Applying makeup seems a waste of time. Women need assembly line efficiency for this daily ritual. How about a rubber mask that matches the contours of your face? First you paint the make-up into the mask, then you plunge your face in that thing after your morning shower. Or, find a life-size face on the cover of Cosmo, push Silly Putty against it, then mush the Putty on your face. And don't forget to Xerox the "How to Give a Better Blow-Job" article starting on page 37. I hope that lipstick is weather-proof.
  • It must have been tough being an atheist during ancient times. You had like 130 gods gunning for you all at once. Zeus was hurling lightning bolts at you. Apollo was dehydrating your crops. Venus gives you a wicked case of the crabs. That little Gazoo dude from the Flintstones was being a real pain in the ass right when you needed it the least. Plus people were really into gods back then. It's not like you could go on the Donahue Show and announce your atheism to all of Mesopotamia. That was a good way to be the guest of honor at a stone-throwing party. Say, I don't think Poseidon had anything to do with last night's rain. Burn him at the stake! You know who must have really had it tough, though, were the believers. Just think how hard it is keeping one god happy -- and He's got only 10 rules. Ancient people had to keep track of 130 gods' whims, commandments, aphorisms, rules-of-thumb, suggestions, protocols, laws, verses, maxims, pointers and tips. Monotheism is definitely the way to go if you're going to be religious.
  • If female dogs are called bitches, what do they call male dogs? Assholes? Where are the feminists on this one? Imagine the TV commentary for dog shows. "Look that this asshole take the the field. What form, what gate, what breeding. This asshole is a fine specimen. Consummate asshole. He may win Asshole of the Year."
  • Sometimes I look at my watch but I forget to read what time it is. So I have to look again. But I've never forgotten to take a squeegee when I sit on the crapper. For this I'm thankful.
  • Sometimes I'll look at a Blackberry and think to myself, I remember when the most technologically advanced communication device on earth was the Sports Illustrated Football Phone. Yep folks. Twenty years ago they sold magazine subscriptions with a regular old phone that looked like a football. Nowadays you can watch the freggin' football game on your phone!
  • If I published a dictionary, under the word "dictionary," it would read, The thing you're looking at right now. Duh.
  • Inner-thougths of Costco shoppers: "Will you move your fucking cart out of the way already?" "Why are there so many people driving these damn motorized scooters? They were able to walk in. Why can't they walk through?" "Jeez. They really should open more check-out lines." "Now I remember why I hate people so much." "Move it, asshole. I've got ice cream in here." "I just blew two months' rent on frozen foods and batteries." "What the hell am I going to do with a 150-pack of fluorescent light bulbs?" "Why do you check my cart every time I try to leave. I don't have any dignity in there for you, schmuck."

43 comments:

tornwordo said...

Ooh, I like the inner thoughts one. That could be extrapolated into many situations. And with your talent, it would be funny.

Anonymous said...

I always wonder about that cart checking thing. It's not like you can easily hide that case of Red Bull under your jacket before you hit the checkouts, then covertly slip it into your cart once you're through them.

Anonymous said...

Yeah Bugs, forgetting to read the time is not so bad, many other things are worse.

Christina_the_wench said...

OMG you have the same mind as me! Spooky....

mist1 said...

I think my cousin still has the football phone. He used to be so cool.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Oh my God...are you and The PK brothers??? He is SO DAMN GUILTY of yakking during a TV show or movie and not caring but if I do it, he shoots me a look that damn near causes me to burst into flames.

Asshole!

No, no....I was talking to the dog....;)

LaunderLust said...

I don't need to read the article starting on page 37, thankyouverymuch. . . .

JJ said...

Yeah, second bullet...wtf is up with that? LOL

Jack K. said...

I know you remember the first digital device for retaining information. It was easy to make corrections too.

There was the noting end and the correcting end.

The only difficulty was keeping the noting end sufficiently sharp.

Pen knife anyone?

Anonymous said...

"Sometimes I look at my watch but I forget to read what time it is."

omg, I do that all the freakin time. I always feel like a total tardo. I'm just glad I'm not the only one who does that.

Miss Cellania said...

Astute observations, all. How like you.

Riss said...

Haha that is exactly what I think when I go through Costco.

What makes me laugh are old movies where people bust out cell phones and they're like a foot long and bulky. And everyone around them is looking like "Ooooh, a cell phone, that's snazzy."

Violet said...

It is difficult to remember sometimes that each of us is "no better than or less than" anyone else. Overall, everyone would be a lot happier if they remembered that at all times.

On another note, I have assembly line efficiency in my make-up procedure. I have timed it and it takes exactly eight minutes and forty-two seconds. It starts with the facial lotion and ends with the top coat of lip gloss, in the same order every day. You can't rush perfection.

NWJR said...

"As long as I'm doing it, it's OK."

That's a good rule, right there.

Oh great One said...

A squeegee? I've never heard that term before! At least not in that context! I'm going to have to make a point of using that one in my daily conversation!

James Burnett said...

Great observations, bro. Hilarious. BTW, I have nearly gone postal on my wife too for making me miss TV dialogue, even though I'd missed even more 'cause of my own chatter. Ffound your blog through Fat Hairy Bastard. Will definitely be back.

Anonymous said...

What kills me is if I really did read the time when I looke at my watch - if someone asks me - I have to look at it again to be sure. A-duh!

I know a single guy who'll spend hundreds per week at Costco and end up giving stuff away since he doesn't need it.

Anonymous said...

#2 sounds like someone I know...BikeHunk! Is that YOU???

But the sqeegee thing - eew! Who cleans the squeegee?

Hammer said...

I still laugh when the dog show commentators say "bitches in heat"

Anonymous said...

I like the makeup idea, even though I rarely wear it. Guess I have my fright mask on daily.

Scottsdale Girl said...

The DOnahue SHow! You jes dated yourself my dear sweet bug.

And now so did I.

Anonymous said...

If female dogs are called bitches, what do they call male dogs?

Um. I think it's "stud"...if it's a breeder. Otherwise, it's "Number 9 Special with Spicy Sauce".

It's Me, Maven... said...

Instead of Silly Putty, I think we can use some of that FLOAM that's all the rage. Real subtle for that Tammy Faye quality...

Random Musings Of My Life said...

you always make me laugh

Sudiegirl said...

actually, i think the third idea (the rubber mask thing) is one jane jetson used on several occasions.

great list!

Shoshana said...

LOL. Just what I need to read today.

Eddo said...

I sometimes think that only my brain is wired weird, then I come here and I realize that I am pretty normal.

You always crack me up.

Susan as herself said...

I think my brother had one of those football phones back in the day... and I still remember that damn commercial!!!

Bone Sucker said...

What exactly do you need a squeegee on the toilet for?

poopie said...

My favorite is calling the male dog "asshole"..so much more endearing than "stud".

MIA said...

First, I love you
Second, I love you
Third, Did I mention I love you? The scooter carts piss me off. I almost always have to nose dive into the quadruple boxes of cereal to miss getting offed by a hover round.
Makeup? In case you have not noticed me, more is less. My signature lip gloss and masacra most days.

Lucia said...

This was great for a big ass laugh!

NWJR said...

I stole one of these bullets for my own blog. I hate it when people do that, but it's OK for me.

exile said...

how come cosmo puts a "how to give a better blow job" in ever issue, yet there's hasn't been a rise in the stats?

Memphis Steve said...

I was just blindsided by a conversation on another blog in which the feminists decided that it's good to be a bitch, but never good to be an asshole. This was very sex-specific, mind you. Woman who is a bitch - good and empowered. Man who is an asshole - bad and must be thrown in jail after being castrated. Whatever happened to that whole "equal rights" bullshit they used to lie about? Did they just toss the lie aside once they had both major parties in their hip pockets? And speaking of bitches, why CAN'T I name my dog "Bitch"? The grrlz at the vet said "absolutely NOT" and refused to put it down. Whose dog is this, anyway? I mean, what the hell, I named my cat, "Here Kitty Kitty" and they thought that was cute. Suddenly I'm not cute anymore just because I want to name my bitch "Bitch"?

Oooh, I'm so worked up even my intestines are mad. Either that or I need to go take a shit.

Miss Sassy said...

I was IN Costco at LUNCH... and when the girl started looking at all my stacks of shit with that Magic Highlighter of Authority... I knew she was doing it for show and I should have pocketed sumthin today.

yes, I was wearing very big pockets.

And YES there was a bitch who found something the checker missed and made me go back and pay for something else. No other store needs Idiot Control on the EXIT door for their own EMPLOYEES, but me and my 2 year supply of canned peas aren't gonna point that out.

Bennet said...

heheheh...

Yeah soon you'll be able to get porn on the Blackberry too...

Cause ya never know...stuck in a traffic jam, hey!..why not, it's there....Masterbate at your discretion, that's my motto...but in all I honesty I don't need 2" crappy block videos either...but it's nice to know it will be there just in case...

Ari said...

"But when somebody else is doing it, I'm fumbling about the glove compartment for my revolver."

You kill me.

I hope not literally, though...

Maybe my asinine driving will never reach you out in the desert there.

Sylvana said...

Your dictionary bullet reminded me very much of Mitch Hedberg.
Good stuff.

Heidi the Hick said...

That last point...

that is why I NEVER go to Costco!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Costo...gotta love it...

It's like a zoo...with people. ;)

Steve~

phlegmfatale said...

were you spying on me in Costco?

Toni said...

Oh hell, I remember the football phone too. Man, we're old.

As for Costco, my mom knows a guy who once proudly said that he'd spend his lunch hour wandering the aisles for the free samples. This is in a place where you can get a hot dog and Coke for $1.50, and the guy chooses to get a free lunch.