10/27/2006

Standing in line, or "queueing up" for you in the UK

Standing in line is a real drag. You know how you feel when you step into a long line. OK, honey. I think this is the back of the line. Then you fall in. Hopefully the person in front of you doesn't smell too bad and isn't wearing Spandex. Anyway, you're the last in line. You look down the line and estimate the number of people. Then you take a look behind you and see nobody. That's when you start feeling like a real douche bag. Of all the people in the the demographic "line waiters," you're at the bottom of the list. Everybody outranks you - and only because they had the nerve to enter the line before you arrived. Screw them. As the line moves, you try to gauge the speed of the line and how much time you'll have to wait. It says Express Lane, but it's not expressing itself very quickly, you think. But internal sarcasm won't move things along any faster. You're really screwed. This line is long and it isn't going anywhere fast. You wore your uncomfortable dress shoes today. The person in front of you is wearing Spandex. They've exceeded the maximum items posting and the maximum dosage of Old Spice Aftershave. Drag.

If you peer down the line, you'll see some people up front looking back at you. They have a look of pity on their faces, along with the smug, self-satisfaction that typically occasions those with greater fortunes (and also people who drive hybrids). Up yours, frontie. What makes you so freggin' great? What, so you'll get closer seats at the Justin Timberlake concert. There's plenty of seats for all of us. And with JT, there's not a bad seat in the house. I'm bringin' sexy back...Yeah!

Sometimes you have to take a number before you wait in line. Then you can sit anywhere you like. You're just waiting for your number to be called. I don't think they should dispense the numbers in order. They should spit out at random. Put some entertainment into waiting in line. Everybody enjoys playing the lottery. Imagine waltzing by some poor schmuck who's been waiting for an hour for his pain pills at the pharmacy. Sweet! I drew a three. I just got here and I'm next. Ha! Eat that, you gimpy bastard. Say, I'll tell ya what. You look like you're in a lot of pain. I'll trade you my low number for your crutches. We gotta deal?

Jumping into a long line sucks. But with time, your disposition improves. Suddenly you glance back to find that there are those more pathetic than you. You're moving up in the world. You've made your mark. Sure, you've still got some time to kill. But at least you're not one of those douche bags back there. You're achieving rank and status. By the time you approach the front of the line you feel like royalty. Those adolescents working the line are merely your subjects. Sir, would you like the front seat of the coaster, or the back? I shall assume the throne in front, my good man, and here's a little something for you. Sir, you can't bring the life-sized stuffed gorilla on the roller coaster. Here's your dollar back. Step down, you insubordinate peon. I insist that Mr. Bubbles rides with me. Sir, I'm going to have to ask you... Aside! Kneel and bow. Ah, here come the guards. Guards, seize him. Wait, unhand me you fools. I'll have your heads for this. This is an outrage...

I hold line-jumpers beneath contempt. Scourge of the earth, these line-jumpers. They think they're so sly and you won't notice. What they don't realize is, you've got nothing else to do but scrutinize of the line. Of course I'll notice you taking cuts, jerkoff. I've been standing in this line for an hour. I know who's in it and who wasn't. I don't know what the law says, but you should be allowed to Taser line-jumpers into unconsciousness. Imagine a whole line of people at the DMV Tasering some punk who tried to give them the slip. That would make the wait a little less tedious. Once, I watched helplessly as two teen-aged punks took cuts in front of me at Disneyland. I would have loved to Taser them. Zap! It's a small, small world, mother fucker.

That's settles it. I'm buying a Taser and going to Disneyland. I hope there isn't a line at the sporting goods store.

29 comments:

tornwordo said...

I go crazy with line jumpers and usually inform them of the location of the back of the line, loudly. A taser would be ideal for me.

Miss Cellania said...

Sometimes I think I'm so lucky and get in a short line when the others are longer. Then I find out WHY the line is short: its not moving. There's a problem at the front, machinery down or something. By then, all the other lines have doubled. You can't win!

jules said...

Happy Hunting.

Anonymous said...

Picking the line to join is a bit like buying a lottery ticket, you win some you lose some.

Anonymous said...

I'm a line jumper and proud of it, not ashamed at all. I'm planning on getting out of there at warp speed. Those who are not smart enough to line jump, well you snooze you lose. Sorry

Shoshana said...

LBB, you've never stood in line, unless you've stood in line back in my school in the Philippines.

Apparently, distance meant the next person is not humping you! That's the truth! I used to stand in line sideways. I truly detest the feel of people's crotches on my behind or front, especially if I am not interesting in shagging them.

Standing in line again in the Philippines when I went back after 10 years of being in the states....I got myself a nice and sharpened pencil and threated anyone who goes into touching distance a cruel and painful stabbing.

You would too if you didn't have to put up with that shit after a long long while.

Otherwise, Filipinos are truly wonderful...it's just a culture of standing in line thing that's not so nice.

Serendipity said...

Line jumpers gets my grout, but only if I am having a bad day. Otherwise, I let them jump. I just hope they don't jump when I am going postal!

It's Me, Maven... said...

I have a fabulous marketing idea, along the lines of those ubiquitous "skins" for iPods, perchance we can manufacture skins for tazers, to make them look well... LESS tazer-ish. I see nothing wrong with tazering and dropping SBD bombs on anyone who enters my 18 inches of personal space... but hey, that's how I roll.

Anonymous said...

I hold line-jumpers beneath contempt. Scourge of the earth, these line-jumpers...

I, personally, believe that it is a moral imperative to punch line jumpers in the kidneys. Repeatedly. Only when they pass blodd will they learn their place. Behind me, dammit.

Anonymous said...

Dammit. Blood. I meant blood.

I'm drunk on Shiraz and Tiger Woods golf for the Xbox 360.

mist1 said...

I love it when I'm Next. Next is the best place to be in line. Everyone wants to be you. I can feel the hate on my back. Hahahaha b*tches, I'm Next.

Anonymous said...

Different cultures have differnt ideas about personal space.

I got caught up in a big line of forigners in New Orleans during mardi gras one year. They were dry humping me something fierce. I got fed up one day and bought a giant stogie at a corner shop. I lit it up and puffed that sucker white hot. Swinging around that fire stick and blowing clouds of noxious smoke gave me at least 5 feet of personal space.

Anonymous said...

Lines, lines, everywhere lines;
messin' up the scenery, messin' up my mind ....

oops! That should be signs.

Both work.

Ari said...

What about the space and time defying truth that no matter which line one selects, it will morph into the slowest line? Subjective or reality? I just don't know. I'd wager that tasering capability would make me feel better though.

Anonymous said...

WHAT? Internal sarcasm won't help move things along? So I've been wasting a shitton of frigging sarcasm on a bunch of losers for NOTHING?

That's it. I'm going to find a place that uses the take a number lottery deal. LOLOL

(that's an excellent idea, by the way!!!)

MIA said...

Ok so I really don't mind waiting in line too much unless I'm in a hurry, but I'm always in a hurry to get out of line. If I must wait, this is what dislike the most. Are you ready????
CART SNOOPERS. They gaze at all your shit, then some will ask you questions about what your buying. Like hey how arethose ribbed trojans anyway? Can you really tell a difference? Or wow that pomegranate juice sure is pricey (true quote) Who are the flowers for? me I deserve them and enjoy arranging them. Ohhhh I've never bought flowers for myself. Really? Shut the fuck up and wipe the green goo from your kids nose. I have more but I'll stop here and giveyou something to think about. The item seperater nazi. So afraid your things will mix with theres........

Al said...

This brings to mind standing in line at the chow hall. Waiting in line for something you don't want but have to have. Nothing more pathetic than a snotwad who would cut ahead of you in the chow hall line.

Susan as herself said...

Few things induce my wrath like line jumpers. I have been known to invoke a silent irrevocable curse at the backs of their heads, and then, once they are leaving the line, telling them what I have done. Few of them react outwardly, but I can see the fear in their eyes, and that's enough...

Scottsdale Girl said...

While Spandex and Old Spice are bad, its the asshat talking LOUDLY on the phone to someone doing a PLAY BY PLAY of the movement of the line that makes me want to stick a fork in my eye.

Anonymous said...

Hey! Just flashing by making my rounds on C&C Monday... Nice template ;-)

Oh great One said...

I coulda used a taser this weekend for the "boo at the zoo" So many people....

Memphis Steve said...

Taser were MADE for line-cutters. Tasers and crowbars. Yeah, that's what I told the cops, but they didn't listen. FOOLS!

NWJR said...

I'd rather taser the numbnuts that WORK at the DMV. That'd make the long wait worth it.

Anonymous said...

Hot chics are notorious Line Jumpers...and its always a group of two or three like raptors on the hunt…scantly clad, shiny lip gloss wearing, cleavage bearing vixens prowling the line looking for the weakest\horniest males...and as quick as a rattlers strike, with a seductive smile, a tilt of the head and a flip of the hair they are in line no questions asked...I’ve fallen victim at many a concert my friend!

C said...

My son would definitely be your friend on this one.

Spinning Girl said...

I generally find that the Taser is underused in society.

Also, I hate "Line Friends". Don't talk to me. Yes, I see the weather. Yes, I can't believe how dark it is already. Shut up and pass me a Slim Jim. In case I die here, I at least want to have a meal.

Mom of Three said...

In honor of contempt for line-cutters everywhere, I offer you the following as a gift:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tb1tW3HXIkI

Carinosamente,
MOT

Dave Morris said...

Yeah, line cutters SUCK. But if I could, I'd jump to the top of this list of comments. Does that make me bad?

Toni said...

Oh man, I'll never forget the time my boyfriend and I were in line for the Sistine Chapel. It was a very, very, very long line and it was raining cats and dogs. Miserable.

Out of nowhere a group -yes, a GROUP- of like, TEN fucking people cut in line! They kind of tried to blend in, but a huge group of people don't exactly blend in. I was standing in back of some other American tourists, and we just looked at each other like, WTF?!?! And one of them snarked, "No wonder it feels like this line isn't moving."

Later on, I started getting the feeling that the huge, 6'4" German men behind me were planning to cut in front of me. I didn't care that they were over a foot taller than me and outweighed me by about a few hundred pounds. I was ready for a fight at that point.