11/07/2006

Bullet-ins

  • I couldn't afford a pick-up truck. I could afford the truck, but I couldn't afford all the crap I'd buy once I had a truck to haul it with. When I think of all the big-ticket items I had to leave at the store, I realize that my Toyota sedan paid for itself. I could afford a big house, too, but I couldn't afford to fill it up with stuff. I think that's why businesses use cubicles. They save millions on office furniture.
  • Remember the stink Boy George raised over his community service obligation? If he's willing to tumble for us, he should be willing to sweep up the trash for us, too. Do you really want to hurt me? No, but I'd love to humiliate you while you perform menial labor in a bright, orange suit and no makeup.
  • Recently I had the chance at a sex orgy with Cher, Susan Sarandon and the lady who played Mrs. Brady. But I added up all their ages and it was like 223 or something. All of the sudden, it seemed like a gross thing to do. Sorry, ladies.
  • Say the word "boner" over and over again while you think about what "boner" means. See if you can do it without laughing. Boner, boner, boner, boner...
  • If I owned a saloon in the Middle East, I'd name it The Seventy-Two Virgins. If I had a second bar, I'd call it Hijacker's. This is just good business sense, people. You have to cater to your customers.
  • A touching and revealing part of American culture is naming alcoholic beverages after disasters. We named a drink after a horrible military tactic the Japanese concocted -- the Kamikaze. We have a forgiving goddamn nature. Don't we? Hurricane, Depth Charge, Earthquake, Mudslide, Death-by-Hanging (Saddam Hussein loves that one!), Stick-in-the-Eye... they're all both tragedies and drinks you can order at TGIF's! Give it a few more years to cool off and we'll have drinks named the World Trade Center, the Flight 93 and the Bo Bice.
  • Remember all those 125% refi mortgages before the real estate market cooled? How did the mafia compete? I imagine they had their own 125% plans. If you didn't pay up, after they broke all your limbs, they'd punch you in the face, too. Hey-ah Paizon, jou pay-ah da mahney you owe us-ah now. Capice?

37 comments:

Anonymous said...

come to my blog.. I just posted a pic of a pick-up truck I saw in Oklahoma while I was waiting at an intersection... would you drive this? hehe

Scottsdale Girl said...

If you owned a saloon in the middle east you would be a "sylist" or "barber". Yeah that is what they call SALONS there. Bastards tricked me everytime.

Molicious said...

"...and the Bo Bice"

-- Hahahaha! How about "The K-Fed"? Make it look like a Mud Slide and charge people their dignity, looks, and about $20 million.

NWJR said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
NWJR said...

Sorry, I had to remove my last comment, because this one is so much better:

"A touching and revealing part of American culture is naming alcoholic beverages after disasters."

You're right. Just last night, I had a particularly nasty concoction called "The Bush Administration".

:-)

Oh great One said...

I must REALLY be out of the loop. I haven't heard of MOST of those drinks!

mist1 said...

Hey! I have an alcoholic beverage named after me. Does that mean that I'm a disaster?

Spinning Girl said...

Bo got a raw deal.

poopie said...

*snort*...the Bo Bice!!

Redneck Nerdboy! said...

I suppose a Sex On The Beach could be a disaster if either you 1) were caught by your wife while in the midst of it or 2) had a baby by it.

❉ pixie ❉ said...

hehehe...Bo Bice! Love it. What do you think would be in it? Schnapps of some sort for sure.

hammer said...

I had a great drink a while back called "fuck the royal navy" I think it was invented by a former British sailor or someone from Argentina.

MIA said...

Let's lift a toast to Bo with all those non tragic drinks just to lighten things up a bit, slippery nipple, blow job, buttery nipple, "leave it to beaver", Ok I made that one up, but I think it would be a funny drink. I'm gonna get back to you on my new inventive mixology and we'll all try it out!

Bennet said...

boner boner boner bone-her bone-her bone-her...

hahahaha...yes..okay I'm calm now.

I think..here's my idea for a new drink...You wear it on your head, in the towel wrap with a long flexible straw poking out of the top...when you suck it down to the bottem it explodes.

Bennet said...

hmmm..it explodes..and then...hmmm..I dunnno, that's all I got...I'm just an idea man for other ideas to sprout up from...

C said...

Drink names after the WTC tragedy - that's a might cold hearted I think. But hey what about:

"concourse"
"floored"

This is so wrong. I can't go on. Have we no respect! :)

Miss Cellania said...

Every time I consider a bigger house, I think about the expense of filling it with HEAT! Thats scary!

Becky said...

When people got all of those "interest only" mortgages on their McMansions up here in northern virginia they really fukced themselves. Interest rates are going up, up, and away.

Memphis Steve said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Memphis Steve said...

Just earlier this year I was working at one of those banks giving out those obscene and illegal mortgages. I can tell you from first hand experience that the only difference between bankers and mafiosos is that bankers have no balls or backbones at all. They just rob you quietly and with a smile, usually from a girl they just hired out of high school whom they are busy trying to fuck while their latest wife is working down the hall at seducing someone higher up and giving him a big boner and a BJ under his desk. So, other than the complete and utter lack of cajones, I'd say bankers and mafia types are exactly the same. The only difference is that the mafia hires guys named Tony to rub out people who don't play ball with them while bankers hire HR reps named Susan to do the same while telling the victim how sorry they are and offering them a Kleenex and a smile before having security throw the poor slob out the door so they can keep his bonus and annual raise and dump his work on one of the few remaining workers who isn't located in Bangalore.

Do you think the mafia will ever start outsourcing their hits?

Shoshana said...

LBB, you never disappoint. If I never a picker-upper, I head here.

So, are you a jeans person? My husband and I can't agree on the jeans issue. I think jeans are a must!

Violet said...

I think "The Seventy-Two Virgins" is a great name for an establishment in the Middle East, but it probably should be a strip club as opposed to a saloon. Are they allowed to have strip clubs in the Middle East?

Anonymous said...

Ya should never have missed that sex orgy with Susan Sarandon Bugs, that's gotta be a worthwhile thing to do.

tornwordo said...

I recently ordered a butterball at the bar. I had to describe the drink and the bartender said, "Oh, you mean a buttery nipple". Not really a disaster, but not really my thing either, lol.

Migraine Boy said...

Hell, I can't say boner one time without laughing!

Anonymous said...

i wonder how long before they come up with an alcoholic beverage called George Bush?

Anonymous said...

If I owned a saloon in the Middle East, I'd name it The Seventy-Two Virgins. If I had a second bar, I'd call it Hijacker's. This is just good business sense, people. You have to cater to your customers.
hell i would totally drink there. wait... im middle eastern. shit. nevermind lol

Weary Hag said...

I can say boner over and over without laughing as long as I'm driving an empty pick-up into my refi'd driveway while I'm listening to Cher on the radio.

Great to see you're still in business, buddy.

Will be back soon ...

Dave Morris said...

checking on bars for sale in the Baghdad market right now...

... nothing. All the buildings are down.

Evil Genius said...

Drinks named after disasters, yeah, but what about the GOOD ones? like...sex on the beach, or fuzzy navel?

Wait, those were both kind of disasters for me, in one way or another, now that I think about it.

Carry on.

It's Me, Maven... said...

Re: Boy George

If he's willing to "Tumble For Ya," he should also be willing to be, "Humble For Ya..."

MIA said...

Well smack my ass I don't think I've ever been a screensaver. I am a screensaver- I am a screensaver, god the the honors you are bestowed in blogland. I am NEVER clicking my heels three times. question, what one is going to be the screensaver? Another question, what is a screen saver?



hahahahahahaha

blonde71274 said...

Ha ha...Boy George...I was going to marry him when I was in second grade. In fact that is in one of my posts, "I Know 101 Things About Myself...And Still Counting." I could never understand why my dad would get so upset over that.

Anonymous said...

As my husband would say, "You bone 'er; you brought 'er."

Toni said...

I still can't understand how the TV show Growing Pains got away with having a character named Boner on the show.

It's Me, Maven... said...

I used to work with someone whose last name was Schoner... and he was well known for his jokes, which folks referred to as, "Schoner's Boners."

Anonymous said...

paizon=?