11/24/2006

Bullet-ins

  • This holiday season marks the beginning of a Thanksgiving death march. Until this November, Thanksgiving remained relatively unscathed by holiday commercialism. Did you notice what they've done? Yep, now stores are open for Christmas shopping on Thanksgiving Night. Thanksgiving is no longer sacred; it's the time to elbow punch fellow shoppers on their way to the last $99 6-megapixel digital camera. One can only hope the post-Thanksgiving meal drowsiness saps parking lot riots ignited by rumors of in-stock PS3s. I gave my wife my nunchucks before setting out for K-Mart last night. Target your opponent's joints, Darling.
  • Do you think that song “All I want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth” is more popular in the rural South?
  • I read Mel Gibson is so thankful to Michael Richards that he's finally forgiven the Cosmo Kramer star for collaborating with “that Jew bastard, Seinfeld.” Meanwhile, John McCain denounced Richards' comments, exclaiming, “That's something a gook in a POW camp might say.”
  • That last bullet mark is so politically incorrect I'm thinking of suing myself for violating my own civil rights. In the suit, I plan to go after my Mac-mini. That thing is sweet.
  • I've heard several times now that “the average American gains between 5 and 7 pounds over the holiday season.” If that's true, when the hell do we lose the weight? We must lose it sometime, otherwise we'd gain 5-7 pounds every year. Maybe that's why we have Lent. We sacrifice our favorite food and break even by Easter. This is why religion is important.
  • Many jobs pay their employees differentials for off-hour work and danger premiums for work that involves unusual risk. Fair enough. But how about an “asshole premium?” For each asshole on duty (assholes elected by employee vote), we get an extra 5%. Man, employees at the DMV would clean up!
  • This may be a bit crude, but I believe it's true. The way to know whether you have genuine crush on a girl is this: you wonder how she kisses instead of what she looks like naked. Also, if seeing her thrills you, she's merely attractive. But if you're thrilled just knowing she's around, it's a crush.
  • Soon blogs will wither and die. In their place will be the next generation of personal web pages. They won't feature much writing. Some will have no text at all. It'll be a conglomerate of your taste in music, your favorite foods, your vacation pictures, portraits of your friends and what you look like in your favorite lingerie. We'll present ourselves to the Internet as a collage of thumbnails, video clips and hotlinks. We'll know everything about each other – what we look like, what we drive, where we live, where we traveled, what shows and music we consume – we'll know everything about each other except what we think. On that day my blog will die. It will go extinct and disappear under the ash heap of history – much like Michael Richards' career.

40 comments:

Anonymous said...

This is why religion is important.

Thank you. I've always wondered what the fuss was all about.

Shoshana said...

Profound, LBB.

Wordless blogs are here, but I still prefer words. Especially since I find it hard to put them out, I appreciate it from other people's blog.

blonde71274 said...

I get so disappointed when I go to someone's blog and all they have are those pictures you usually get from that one person who always emails them to you.

I love to read what other people's thoughts are. Don't let it die!

tornwordo said...

Was it wrong that I laughed at the word gook?

What is this soon business?

NWJR said...

Welcome back, LBB. I was getting worried about you for a while there, but you've redeemed yourself with this post.

The way to know whether you have genuine crush on a girl is this: you wonder how she kisses instead of what she looks like naked.

Crude? Nah. So true, so true.

Well done, my luminescent-assed friend.

Anonymous said...

I hope blogs aren't replaced with personal web pages where I have to prance around on lingerie. The only thing less interesting than what I think is my lingerie collection.

Anonymous said...

Just full of your normal wisdom Bugs, thanks.

Miss Cellania said...

That next generation of personal webpages can be found at MySpace.

Did you about hear Judith Regan's new book? "If I Was a Racist" by Michael Richards.

Putting on pounds at the beginning of winter, and fasting to shed them before summer is a natural response to living in a temperate climate with four seasons. At least thats what I keep telling myself as I have another turkey sandwich...

Tense Teacher said...

That last bullet was scary, and probably will soon be true. Otherwise, funny stuff as always!

Anonymous said...

I agree that the last bullet was scary! Most people have much more interesting minds than they do bodies!

CP said...

My blog will never die. Never. So long as the woman who gave birth to me exists, fodder will be plentiful and abound. No hotlink can ever do her justice.

My mind is a plethora of useless information just trying to find a place to vomit it all up.

Hence, my blog.

CP.

Bug said...

Speaking of dying blogs...

Mid December I'm having a par-tay at my house...celebrating the 2 year anniversery of AIS and if you'd like to make an appearance you are formally invited! Lemme know :)

Anonymous said...

I think the blog apocalypse you are speaking of has already taken over many. It's called My Space:(

Susan as herself said...

Yeah, I agree---I know plenty of folks who have those annoying websites where you are accosted with some song on a loop, and a moving, blinking collage of photos, and all sorts of other obnoxious assaults to the senses.

Man, give me the TEXT of a blog any day over that dreck.

Anonymous said...

I noticed that many non-english blogs are just as you describe with one of those mini chat bars in the corner filled with lolol xoxoxoxox and other such nonsense.

Anonymous said...

But LBB, that blog death has already happened for some. It's called myspace. Death to myspace, I say. Viva Blogger!

mist1 said...

I heard that Michael Richards is starring in Mel's new movie.

Redneck Nerdboy! said...

So true, so true! The last two bullets especially.

The last one just drives me nuts. I don't care what kind of music another blogger listens to, I just come to their blog to see how they're doing or read an idea.

Meh.

Heidi the Hick said...

The part about why religion is important...it all comes down to food I guess!

And the crush thing- absolutely 100% true.

When the majority of blogs turn into lists of stuff with no thoughts involved, the rare minority of us will still be Life Observationists. Think about it.

Anonymous said...

Have you noticed that Mel Gibson's name is listed above the title of his new movie. Michael Richards really screwed up for Mel to have found his balls so quickly. I haven't seen the tape - the rumors and bullshit are (as always) good enough for me.

Who would be you in the LBB movie?

Becky said...

"Do you think that song “All I want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth” is more popular in the rural South?"

What a horribly true stereotype! Every toothless person I've ever met, had a southern accent... So messed up! I've got the southern accent but at least I've got purty white teeth!

melanie said...

mmmmmmmmmmac mini - drools...

i like the idea of asshole premium too.

i wanna have a genuine crush... pouts.

Miss Sassy said...

Have you seen the asses of America? They are all over the nightly news, beheaded to save the lethargic - we aren't loosing the 5-7, and the Easter candy packs on another three.
This is why crushes are important, to keep you from feeling your ass fill your office chair.
Astute as always,

Spinning Girl said...

I love the way you think! *silently wonders* I wonder how he kisses?

Anonymous said...

All I have to say is right on regarding that first bullet. I was just disgusted with people who, in the pursuit of cheap Chinese crap at lower prices, are just skipping Thanksgiving altogether. For people who are this irreverent when it comes to family, I highly doubt there's enough $49 off-brand camcorders to make them popular by Christmas.

Next in the crosshairs: Halloween.

Fathairybastard said...

I think we'll eventually all have a chip in the back of our heads, and we'll be telepathic, communicating with each other by thinking and dreaming. There'll be a switch to turn it off so we can keep our thoughts and dreams from showing up on the future version of You Tube. People will sue to copyright their dreams and prevent some future version of napster from selling them. We'll need LOTS of lawyers for this future...

But then some raggedy ass, blanket headed wacko will destroy everything with a suitcase nuke that sets off the hidden, undisclosed doomsday bomb, setting the atmosphere on fire, causing a crack in the earth, with Dana Andrews as the old, respected, but clueless scientist with the young attractive wife...

And then I'll wake up from dreaming about old British sci fi from the 60s, roll over and sleep some more. Always hit the snooze button of life my friend, is what I say.

Memphis Steve said...

About that last bullet, I think we already have that. It's called MySpace. And more recently, Facebook.

Oh I'm a blogger, and I'm OK. I blog all night and I sleep all day. I cut down jokes, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavotreeee!

Anonymous said...

Richards really fucked himself over; didn't he? I still can't believe he said that shit.

I don't think I gain much weight over the holidays. And it's a good thing since I don't practice religion. :D

heather said...

Your description of the new generation of personal web pages sounds like MySpace. I hate MySpace.

lyvvie said...

Poor Mike Richards. And he was so lovable in UHF. Who'd have known. I don't think there's going to be any way back from that scary tirade. I love YouTube.

A Mac question; is there a decent program you'd recommend for launching MSN? You can e-mail me at lyvvie at gmail dot com if you get time. Thanks. *wink* *smile*

Anonymous said...

Ever notice how the older a person is, the heavier they tend to be? I think that can be directly related to the number of holiday seasons that the individual has endured.

And, I don't think your theory on crushes is crude at all. I believe that it is very accurate.

Oh great One said...

The idea of my whole life being presented on my blog is terrifying! *shiver*

poopie said...

Oh PULEEEZ give me the asshole premium. I have so earned it.

Evil Genius said...

Can we get an asshole premium for having to spend holidays with certain family members?:-)

Dave Morris said...

Shopping should be illegal on Thanksgiving. But, all restaurants should be open. I'm getting tired of the Old Country Buffet. They are always out of pie.

Riss said...

For some reason I laughed a lot during the crush bullet point. What if you're a guy and you wonder about what she kisses like when you're both naked?

Bennet said...

I'll still come back to the Lightning Bug's Butt, no matter what.

Yeah those poor hecklers of Michael Richards wanting money for their suffering is so heart warming too.

I wish I could sue, get money for every name I've ever been called

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