11/13/2006

MLK Memorial

To show my support for the planned MLK memorial, I dug up this old, old post. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Hot off the LBB news wires:

The ACLU has entreated US Congress to repudiate the collective works of the Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr., after discovering King was a deeply religious man whose philosophies derive from Judeo-Christian doctrine.

Wolfgang Lipshitz, an American history scholar who researched King for a dozen years and has recently published a comprehensive paper of his work, unearthed compelling evidence linking civil rights champion King to the Christian faith. Among the most shocking assertions Lipshitz makes is that King was a Reverend. Lipshitz details King’s proclivity for Christian teachings and his habit of daily prayer. The paper also postulates that King sought God for His guidance on matters of public policy.

Commenting on his findings, Lipshitz said, “I was shocked and appalled to learn such a revered civil rights leader would be so religious. I’d expect this from a dolt like George Bush, but the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King? What a shame we in academia must now denounce everything King stood for.”

Already college campuses across the nation are mourning the loss of the crux of their social science curriculums. A sophomore student at U.C. Berkeley expressed dismay for Lipshitz’s thesis:

“Martin Luther King was, like, and idol of mine. I’ve got, like, 9 songs in my I-Pod that celebrate the work of MLK. They’re pretty good tunes, too. Now I have to find them shuffled in 9 Gigs of Coldplay and Dave Mathews and delete those f***ers. This is an outrage. Hey man, is this, like, for real. Did Kurt Loder report this? Or is it just another Fox News scam?”

Several students are organizing protests. Picket signs reading, “Separation of Church and State,” and “Keep your Bible off of my body, MLK!” are popping up on Berkeley’s campus and several other forward-thinking colleges. On one such sign, a student drew a likeness of King with the formula “King + Bible = OPRESSION.”

The NAACP has declined comment, but anonymous inside sources have leaked a covert strategy to segregate MLK’s teachings from the organization’s agenda.

Meanwhile, the Muslim Anti-Defamation League has embraced Lipshitz’s work. Said its spokesperson, “We celebrate this discovery and look forward to the peace MLK’s religious teachings impart on public policy. Perhaps America will one day know the peace the Arab world enjoys thanks to its religious convictions.”

57 comments:

Hammer said...

You ought to write for The Onion.

If you posted this piece over on the Democratic underground forum they would take it seriously and add it to their gospel.

jules said...

You are so twisted. I love that.

mist1 said...

Best thing I've read all morning. You are killing me with this one today.

Heidi the Hick said...

Gaaaaahhhhh!

Memphis Steve said...

It's all true, but the ACLU remains oddly silent about all the MLK Parkways in crappy cities throughout the U.S. and now the MLK monument. Although with the monument I'm sure no display of the Ten Commandments will be found anywhere on it.

Anonymous said...

You really should write a book.


I know - You already did.

Great piece!

When I was little I thought his given name was Revandoktermartinlutherkingjunior. I really thought his parents were big show offs.

Redneck Nerdboy! said...

Lipshitz.

Hahahahahahaha!

NWJR said...

Loved it the first time, and I still do. Very well stated, my snarky little conservative friend.

It's Me, Maven... said...

Very clever, Mr. Bugsbutt... very clever, indeed!

Anonymous said...

Can the muslims kidnap Jesse Jackson.. I think he may have a message for them too....

Fathairybastard said...

You kill me. Liberals love to hate the religious right, and for get the fact that every significant movement civil rights movement to expand freedom in this country began in the church... Abolitionism, MLK, etc.

~gkw said...

That was GREAT!!! I just sat at my desk and laughed!!

Jack K. said...

Ahh, the joy of satire.

Dave Morris said...

I had a horrible case of the lip schitz once.

MyUtopia said...

Interesting post, thanks for posting.

nettie said...

Waaaaaaaaaaait- you make these thigns up, don't you?

Bennet said...

I think MLK's goal was to have every street, of connected to every road named after him so we could get really lost..

"Take a turn off MLK Bld, to MLK Drive, turn on MLK Hwy, on to a right on MLK street, until you hit MLK Lane"

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Oh damn! That last sentence was the cherry on top! ;)

Becky said...

You're definitely one of a kind. Good stuff man. Keep on writing.

melanie said...

ha! arab peace.

sighs. nicely done!

MIA said...

love that piece (lmao) but did you see dancing with the stars last night?

mcBlogger said...

I agree with "hammer" you should write for The Onion. It's all I could think about while I was reading this post.

Riss said...

I'm fucking crying over "Now I have to find them shuffled in 9 Gigs of Coldplay and Dave Mathews and delete those f***ers. This is an outrage. Hey man, is this, like, for real. Did Kurt Loder report this? Or is it just another Fox News scam?"

You perfectly imitated every liberal college student in the country.

Molicious said...

I love how you threw "like" in there multiple times. It speaks volumes.

C said...

Isn't Lipshitz a song in the VeggieTales series - oh no that's the "I love my Lips song" not "I love my LipShitz"

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