11/29/2006

Thanksgiving leftovers

*A girl ballet dancer is called a ballerina. Shouldn't a male ballet dancer be a ballerin-oh? Or how about just a ballerine? Oh, I've got it. How about a “homo?” “Bulgisaurus?” Alright. I'll stop.

*I'm going to apply to be an operator for one of those home security monitor companies. I'd make employee-of-the-month in no time. My customer service would be first-rate. You see, I'd understand that people in emergency situations crave a little levity. I'd lighten the scene with a few harmless jokes before we decided whether I should call the police. Are you sure that's not just the clothes drier alarm? The real crime taking place here, ma'am, is letting a load of cotton whites wrinkle. Or, I'd like to help, but the number nine on my phone is broken. I can't call the police, but I could dial information if you'd like. Or else I could act like it was my first day and I was all confused and flustered and couldn't find the “911” button. Calm down, lady. It's my first day here. Tell that guy breaking through your window to put down the knife and give us a minute. Damn, my computer just froze up...

*Our expenditures are the best index of our values. A casual glance at American spending reveals we spend more on fashion and beauty than on health care. We spend more on cars than on education. And we're all upgrading to flat-screen TVs. Therefore one can conclude we'd rather look good than feel good. And we'd rather look good on the road than on a resume, and we're all desperate to free up 9 cubic feet of space in our living rooms, presumably to provide space for all those damn Glade Plug-ins.

*Future "global warming" disasters are the atheists' version of Revelations. Their "proof" of man-made global warming is proof in the same manner that fish fossils in Kansas are "proof" of the Great Flood. Both groups of people believe that our lifestyles are chock full of such awful deeds that some great force is coming to destroy the planet in retribution. For shame, for shame.

*Drugs dull the mind. They slow it down, inhibit thought. Alcohol lubricates the mind and accelerates it. Under the influence of alcohol, your mind tilts and wobbles a bit, but it glides effortlessly. The message to children is clear: when somebody asks you to try drugs, just say “no.” Then whip out your bottle of hooch.

*I think Hollywood stars make such fools of themselves because they're used to having 23 takes and an editor to get the scene just right. It makes me wonder how many “N-word incidents” are on the cutting room floor, particularly after those Lethal Weapon movies starring Mel Gibson and Danny Glover.

*Everybody hates political correctness, but everybody lives by its creed. I don't care where on the political spectrum you sit, we all resent political correctness. But if that's true, if we all feel that way, how does PC survive and thrive? The PC police are like the monsters in that movie, The Village. They don't really exist, but they terrorize and oppress all of us.

*Teaching is the only profession that commands higher salaries for shoddy work. WalMart is the only retailer that draws the wrath of consumers for offering the lowest prices. Starbucks is the only company that's cool for ripping people off and Bill Maher is the only comic who succeeds by being unfunny.

*Interrogation can chisel the pillars of any great truth and topple it to a pile of rubble and doubt. Zeal can cement a lie into hollow statute of "common knowledge." This is why we're arguing so much. It's also why people are TiVo-ing reality programs.

*I've often claimed that Mac users smoke pot. Something in their anti-establishment attitudes brings on a craving for the weed, brah. But, yeah, Mackies smoke the ganja like Bob Marley's rhythm section. I think those new iMacs come with a USB pop-out bowl for your weed and the remote doubles as a pipe. I'll bet Steve Jobs has a stash that could tranquilize a herd of rhinos.

35 comments:

mist1 said...

I think homo Bulgisaurus was an early hominid. Somewhere before homo erectus.

Anonymous said...

LBB, I wonder where you get these things you write about, and you probably won't tell...but here's one reader that's happy to see it her.

Homo? Yep, that's really PC for male ballet dancer.

Anonymous said...

Somehow I don't see your home security customers being calmed down by your levity Bugs.

Anonymous said...

Somehow I don't see your home security customers being calmed down by your levity Bugs.

keda said...

have you ever used a mac?? my donated macrap is so fucking slow and stupid that i'm considering starting to smoke weed again just to mellow myself out so i don't throw it out the window.

also while the pathetic rainbow wheel spins eternally there's plenty of time to pop out for munchies.

NWJR said...

Alcohol accelerates my hotness factor. I'm much more charming and erudite when I've had a few Kamakazis. There must be some kind of "halo effect", too, because all the women look better after a few shots.

I'll have to investigate this further.

NWJR said...

keda: Them's fightin' words. Bug's gonna getcha...

jules said...

Vintage Bug stuff. You never fail to make me smile. (Well, except for the other night in bed ;)

Anonymous said...

"Teaching is the only profession that commands higher salaries for shoddy work." ???

I would have to say that is a gross generalization. There are definitely some teachers protected by "tenure" that should not be, however, what about all the excellent teachers who are held back from earning what they probably deserve based on performance by mandated salary schedules?

And what about when the antidisestablishmentarianism of using a Mac becomes mainstream?

Anonymous said...

Those were pretty funny.

Oh great One said...

You are so right on the Political correctness thing. We are too afraid to hurt peoples feelings to stand up for what we believe anymore.

Redneck Nerdboy! said...

Yeah, I tried the humorous levity thing when working for a one hour photo booth, and lemmie tell ya... just losing people's pictures, they have NOOOOO sense of humor, let alone when it comes to real emergencies!

Oh well.

melanie said...

Expenditures... totally agree. its shameless waste of money.

I think that we could have some affect on the global warming issue, seeing as our passion to devour all natural resources has definitely damaged our atmosphere. and do i tell my kid, get used to it? or do i make a difference by working on change? or do i piss my attitude about it on a blog? for shame.

Mac people smoke pot? really? cuz I work on a mac, and don't. That sounds like another anger management issue for you! Do you drink coffee? yea. thats my current drug of choice.

;-)

Anonymous said...

I just had to visit your blog after reading your profile and seeing you listed "Atlas Shrugged" as one of your favourite books. It is mine, also. My hardback copy, which I had sent to me from the States years ago sits on my bedside table. I have read it four times and will read it again. I'm a huge fan of Ayn Rand and her philosophy. I've read all of her writings...well, the majority of them, anyway. I have many of her books and at one time I used to have 'The Objectivists' Newsletter sent to me from the States.

Heidi the Hick said...

Damn, Bug, you must be tired after expelling all this brilliance.

I just want you to know that I do not have a flat screen TV and that Glade Plug Ins are evil. Evil I tell you.

(Do you own a plaid flannel article of clothing of any kind? If so come over to my blog and add your name to the list ok?)

Anonymous said...

Weird! You just commented me!

Anyway --

"Future "global warming" disasters are the atheists' version of Revelations"

I've said it before and I'll say it again -- you MUST start a t-shirt and bumper sticker company. It is your destiny.

Also, in your case, which came first, the Mac or the weed? ;)

Anonymous said...

Hi Bugs, I had no idea that I was so hard to contact... How very sad, we do every thing in our power to get out there and mingle and a bloody computer or server rules our fate.
I use Firefox as my main server, but like you find that for some sites I need IE, so have them both on tap.
Does this mean there are chinks in the great Mac system after all? I think tou said something about troubles with Word once? that would be a major problem with the number of users it has.

Miss Cellania said...

I have a problem with Word on my Mac. I had a problem paying for it, so I didn't. Really, I think I'm the only person in the world without MS Word, but its not caused me any problems so far.

hammer said...

Interesting take on things. I tend to agree.

Male ballet dancers...how does that happen. I would rather my son tell me he was becoming a scientologist.

Anonymous said...

I'm a PC girl - and I made my OWN pop-out bowl attachment. how anti-establishment is THAT? ;)

Miss Sassy said...

too.
many.
thoughts.

not.
enough.
time.

I'm more of a swig off the tequila flask kinda girl, but I agree about the slosh and I have an article about how Glade Plug-Ins are responsible for some EXTREME number of home fires (well, destructions, absolutely nothing left) EVERY YEAR that I'll have to find for you to blow a gasket on.

Heidi the Hick said...

I don't have Microsoft Word and I am doing very quite friggin fine thank ya very much baybee!

It's a bitch trying to talk to other computers but hey, I have for my entire life gotten used to being misunderstood...so why should this be any different?

And that's without weed!

Random Musings Of My Life said...

ha ha you always make me laugh.. And I would so hire you for the position!!

Susan as herself said...

I have never understood Glade plug ins. I imagine some day in the distant future, an archeologist will find a Glade plug in and try to wrap his mind about what it could be and what it was used for. I cannot comprehend that there is practically an entire aisle in the grocery store for these things. To me, they are about as useful as another chin.

Anonymous said...

once again you have me thinking...lol

Fathairybastard said...

"Teaching is the only profession that commands higher salaries for shoddy work." ???

Here's the thing. If I'm an asshole and I make my tests so hard that most people fail, the administrators and full-time main campus PhD fucks think I'm doin' a great job. If I teach the material in a way that allows people to absorb it and do well on the exams and I get a lot of good grades back, the bosses think I'm giving grades away and our campus gets the rep of being a diploma mill. Those are the facts. Most colleges now see the students and their check writing parents as customers, and they want the customers to come back, so they put subtle pressure on us to drop people rather than flunking them. They are stuck between wanting people to be happy and wanting to maintain their reputation, which is built on the idea that they are a really hard place with high academic standards. It's a lot of crap, but it's a living.

And as far as making a lot of money is concerned, most of the money doesn't go to teachers. It goes to administrators. Most of the crap that goes on has nothing to do with teaching. There are 5 times as many administrators as teachers and most of them make more money than us. All they do is sit around and think up new rules for us to follow and new ways of doing the same old shit, when there was nothing wrong with the old way. They're a pestilence. Paper pushers. Thing is, they think THEY are the indispensable ones in the whole picture. I had the dean of my campus tell me once, jokingly, "Some people work hard, and the rest are faculty". No respect. If they could get rid of all of us and have the classes taught by computers they'd do it in a heart beat. Goes back to that old yarn, "Those who know, do. Those who don't know, teach". I just cash the checks and thank my lucky stars I'm not in a profession that is REALLY hated, like sports umpires or the media.

tornwordo said...

I think homo bulgisaurus is perfect! lol and the Interrogation/Zeal line was gold.

Snooze said...

No, no - don't attack Starbucks. I can't survive at this time of year without my peppermint mocha

Anonymous said...

Finally the real thing - no more ripoffs! Enhancement Patches are hot right now, VERY hot! Unfortunately, most are cheap imitiations and do very little to increase your size and stamina.
Well this is the real thing, not an imitation! One of the very originals, the absolutely strongest Patch available, anywhere!

Check out the site http://www.seemoco.info for more info TODAY, you'll be glad you did ;)

Penis Growth Patch

______________________________________________
Our others products:
Ultra Allure Pheromones
Anatrim
Advanced Gain Pro Pills
Regenisis HGH

C said...

It would be cool if it had USB blunt roller. Yeah.

Chick said...

I love male dancers that use Macs & listen to Marley.

Becky said...

Bill Maher and Dennis Miller should get married and bore eachother to death for the rest of their lives.

Memphis Steve said...

Steve Jobs is my dealer.

Anonymous said...

actually, hate to burst your bubble, but I always thought male ballet dancers were called ballet masters...but I could be wrong.

Celia said...

This article is fantastic; the information you show us is very interesting and is really good written. It’s just great!! Do you want to know something more? Read it... Glass Bongs and Bong featuring Herbal Smoke, water bongs, bongs online head shop, Marijuana Alternative,glass water bongs, Hashish, Ganja, homemade bongs, Smokeshop, cannibis, legal smoking alternatives for herbal highs and aphrodisia. http://www.headshopinternational.com