11/21/2006

Year-old turkey

I wrote this just before Thanksgiving last year. Luckily I kept it in one of those "Yellow-and-Blue-Make-Green" Ziplock baggies. It should still be fresh and tasty. I hope all of you have a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday and eat way too much delicious food.

Every Thanksgiving I get to thinking about the Indians. I wonder if they celebrate Thanksgiving. I don’t imagine so. The way I see it, Thanksgiving is like their Pearl Harbor Day -- nothing to celebrate. Let’s just hope Indians don’t retaliate with an atomic bomb like we did! Ah, why worry? They’re way to poluted with "fire water" to split an atom. Good luck, Chief Tumbling Dice!

Being a paleface, I love Thanksgiving. I enjoy the way we celebrate with lots of food. Thanksgiving is the time of year I wish I had 4 stomachs, like a cow. That would be great. As long as I had a crapper near by, I could eat non-stop by circulating my four stomachs. Come to think of it, better throw in a couple extra poop shoots. You don’t want to bottleneck the system. If I break off the bigger part of the wishbone, I’m going to wish for that -- and for my enemies to be in pain, and a bigger penis if the wishbone can get around to it.

I love the kinds of food you find at a Thanksgiving feast. Turkey is traditional fare. Cooked correctly, it’s lean, tender and juicy meat. Some people claim an ingredient in turkey acts as a sedative and induces slumber. I’m skeptical. I account the after-meal drowsiness to stuffing one’s gullet with a lawn bag-full of food, and all the hooch in the egg nog. Here’s a tip for this year’s feast: marinating the turkey in Rock Star and seasoning with crushed No-Doze offsets the drowsiness. After all, you’ll need your wits for those inevitable family fights -- another Thanksgiving staple. I always pocket a shard of wishbone in case I have to stab my drunk uncle in the neck and make a quick getaway. That’s another tip I’d like to share.

I love egg nog, too. Eggs, milk, cream, sugar, and your favorite liquor. It’s chock full of calories. I drank two glasses of egg nog last Thanksgiving and didn’t recover my appetite until Cinco De Mayo. It’s filling stuff. We could nourish the entire continent of Africa with a few pints of egg nog. Happy Kwanza, Kunta Kinte. Drink up. Incidentally, I pride myself on being a non-judgmental person. But if Africans celebrated Christmas instead of Kwanza, God wouldn’t let them starve (This is the present LBB from 2006 interrupting. I have to say the previous line was one politically incorrect statement. What the hell was I thinking? Also, I may have written glibly of American Indians in the first paragraph, and for that I'd like to offer a toke on the peace pipe to all my Native American readers. I'm glad I've matured into a more sensitive blogger. Ah, the recklessness of youth.).

After a huge meal, the family has to unbutton their pants to accommodate full bellies, all except my uncle, a Class 2 sex-offender who remains under court-order not to unbutton his pants within 50 feet of a minor. Unbuttoned pants are the hallmark of a good meal, aren’t they? That, or a really good adult website. I can barely move by Thanksgiving evening on account of my alimentary canal being full of food. But who needs to ambulate when you’ve got all those wonderful Christmas specials on TV? Every time I watch Macaulay Culkin get his genitals caught in the food processor while watching himself in the mirror, I laugh my ass off. “Agggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” It just keeps getting funnier every year. Some people think it’s the cologne he applies to his face. Not true. This year, pause your TiVo and look at the bottom of the screen. Freggin’ pervert is copulating with a Proctor Silex Salad Pro (It's LBB again. This entire paragraph is rubbish and I regret publishing it last year. I have no such uncle. He's a figment of my imagination like the Holocaust and "women doctors" Also, the genital munilation stuff with Macaulay is, in retrospect, inappropriate. I'm glad I've mutured beyond genital-mutilation humor and whatnot.).

Anyway, I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving this year. Enjoy, Turkey. (LBB again. This one I really, really mean, even more than last year. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!)

35 comments:

mcBlogger said...

I personally love thanksgiving as well. My friend (comes to my fams house every year) and I have a system, involving 24 hours of fasting, stretchy pants and stylish yet concealing shirts to hide the bulge that inevitably develops, post eat-fest.

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

In ten years, Columbus day will no longer be celebrated, except as a day of mourning for crimes against a native people, and Thanksgiving will be a holiday to celebrate football.

I won't care as long as I still get my turkey and gravy.

Miss Cellania said...

Yeah, your writing has definitely improved over the year! Be sure to read my post Thursday, since you'll be in it.

Anonymous said...

And a happy Thanksgiving to you too Bugs, the matured version is more PC but I HATE PC and the old Bugs is funnier.

Anonymous said...

Happy Thanksgiving to you too :-)

NWJR said...

It's good to see this kind of personal growth, LBB. May your "Thank You Native People For Getting Us Through The Winter, Now Can We Run Roughshot Across Your Territory But We Promise To Give You All Your Money Back In Casino Revenues At Some Later Date" day be the best you ever had!

Edgy Mama said...

hope your alimentary canal is primed and ready...

Anonymous said...

This is destined to become a Thanksgiving classic!

Happy Thanksgiving, LBB!

Ari said...

I concur. You should run this every year, like those Peanuts TV specials. It just gets better with age.

Anonymous said...

Woo-hoo! Let the month-long feeding frenzy begin.

Scottsdale Girl said...

This ees from your book no?

Scottsdale Girl said...

Oooh and Happy Thanksgiving to you too LBB. Sunny and warm eh?

It's Me, Maven... said...

Isn't Thanksgiving merely Festivus, only substituting the turkey for the unadorned metal pole?

mist1 said...

I am afraid of egg nog. I don't like eggs and I don't even know what nogs are.

Erik said...

Happy Thanksgiving to you!

Miss Sassy said...

Kunta Kinte.
Don't make a bitch snort her afternoon cuppa jo, LBB, its just rude.

I didn't recover my appetite until Fourth of July after the HOMEMADE nog last year... incidentally it took me only until Cinco de Mayo to sober up.

Anonymous said...

The cologne makes you scream even louder than Macaulay Culkin when you put it on your nuts.

Don't try it just take my word.

tornwordo said...

Thanks for making me smile, dude. Have a wonderful holiday.

Lyvvie said...

"it’s lean, tender and juicy meat."

Talk more about meat to me, it's kind of a turn on.

Molicious said...

Thank you! I hope you and yours have a great T-day.

Memphis Steve said...

As a Cherokee Indian I feel that I am qualified to say that this is funny shit. Chief Tumbling Dice was reelected again this year and he says it's funny shit, too. We do actually celebrate Thanksgiving, but we often burn effigies of the Pilgrims as part of our celebration. It's not that we dislike Pilgrims, mind you, because there aren't any around anymore. It's just a thing we do. We also burn effigies of Jesse Jackson, but that's a whole different story. One thing I'll warn you about, though, don't ever go to a Commanche Thanksgiving. They'll kill your white ass and probably cook and eat you. They're still some mean motherfuckers.

Anonymous said...

This is taken directly from the book. (see, we really love your book and have it memorized)

Alright folks, Fireflies in the Meadow is full of hilarious pieces like this. Order yours today - operators are standing by. If you call within the next 10 minutes we'll send you a replacement Fireflies if the first one fails to make you laugh out loud for just the cost of shipping. That's right, operators are standing by.

Happy T-Day dude!

Amandarama said...

Happy Thanksgiving! Enjoy your day!

Anonymous said...

Happy Thanksgiving to you, too!

jules said...

You SO HAVE NOT matured. Rotted, a little maybe...but not matured. Happy Thanksgiving bug.

phlegmfatale said...

I suspect you wrote the inciteful (as in a riot) things because of your frustration over Katrina and the war in Iraq, and you're not a racist.

I hate turkey anyway - chicken is better, and the dark meat, at that.

Fathairybastard said...

Mmmm, dark meat. Yer a class act, all the way, LBB. Have a grat gaze and pass out after. I know I will.

Bug said...

Happy Thanksgiving to my favorite "Bug" ;)

MIA said...

Hey, I'm Thankful for you. A guy that just doesn't take life so serious, yet intensly funny! Awesome wit, hot, linked me, made me a screensaver (wink) I hope you and your family have a great Thanksgiving! MIa

Anonymous said...

my grandmother married a Cheroke and today she has a whole bunch of 1/2 indian kids and a whole lot of 1/4 indian grandkids to show for it. Grandma always celebrated thanksgiving and to my knowledge so did grandpa. All of us little half and quater indians running arouns celebrate it to. now if I were on a reservation or working in a gambling casino or something like that, then I might not. But keep in mind that thanksgiving is in fact based on a simple harvest celebration and not the events we have all been led to belive it was based on. I am sure the native americans still celebrate the yearly harvest.

Forty_Two said...

Whenever I hear the word Kwanza I think of the gems who appear on the Judge Hatchett Court show.

Angry Female:My baby's daddy is him and him and him!!

Wicked Dumb Male:Yo onher. I woh uh dee muh nay test.

Judge Hatchett:You mean a DNA test sir?

Wicked Dumb Male:Uuuh.

blonde71274 said...

Happy Thanksgiving to you too, LBB! I found the ficticious uncle rather entertaining. I think you should have him over today. ;)

Elaine said...

:A figment of my imagination like "woman doctors" and "the Holocaust"...

Okay, it's WRONG that I can't stop laughing at that statement.....

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Dave Morris said...

To file under "things I'm thankful for"... LBB, who is my all-time favorite blog writer.

God bless, my friend! Thanks for the laughs.

(and here's to selling a shitload of those books in 2007)

Evil Genius said...

It's late, but I hope you had a wonderful Turkey Day dude!!