11/10/2006

You're just hurting yourself

I hate when I hurt myself. I do it so often, however, that I must wonder whether a part of me enjoys it. I know it's not the "me" typing just now. Maybe the other me, the me who forgets to pay the cable bill, burns the toast and takes a test-sip of milk long past its expiration date when he knows damn good and well it's spoiled. That me is a real jerk. Consider yourself lucky he's not the one typing just now because he'd most likely offend you with a derogatory statement or an ethnic slur. He loves those.

I hurt myself often, as I typed above. Luckily it's never anything life-threatening. Just stupid, little things. That's what angers me the most. They're such petty, careless transgressions that you'd wonder why I'd take the trouble. I wouldn't rise to anger should the injury be grave. Let's say, for example, I leapt from a plane sans my parachute. No anger at all. Plummeting toward earth, I'd feel downright sorry for myself. I'd forgive and forget. On second thought, I wouldn't forget, what with the wind screaming by my ears, the sensation of weightlessness and the view of earth become larger and larger as it approaches. Plummeting to earth is not a subtle event. But one shouldn't be angry with oneself when death arrives, for one will need all the poise and charm one can muster when negotiating entry with St. Peter.

The "jerk me" bides his time for every the least opportunity to inflict pain. Here's an example. Preparing a sandwich, I'll often cut or stab my hand with the cutlery. Son of a bitching bitch. In Boy Scouts I learned to cut away from your hands, but once I earned the merit badge, I tossed that lesson out of mind along with the painful memories of inappropriate touching from the scoutmaster. So I cut my hands a lot. Sometimes I do it making sandwiches. Other times it's household chores. In either case, I usually compound the transgression by immediately reaching into a bag of potato chips. I find salt and vinegar Lay's chips best exploit a fresh laceration on the finger. Once that juice soaks in the wound you're good for about a half an hour. Son of a bitch!

I often whack my head on hard objects. This really chaps me. It infuriates me so much that I often throw a punch at whatever object had the nerve to exist in the same space I was placing my head. You can see the flaw in my reasoning: if the object is hard enough to crack my head, my fist doesn't have a Chinaman's chance at going unscathed. Still, the little bastard must pay, so I'll usually punch it and get on with my life.

Sometimes I'll insert a hot parcel of food in my mouth and scald my tongue and cheek. Son of a bitch! I don't know what it is about food that zaps my patience. You could pour liquid magma on piece of pizza. If I'm hungry, I'm taking a test-bite, at least. I don't care if it is 2000 degrees and glowing red. This is an extra-sausage thin-crust from Rosati's! No, you eat the garlic bread. I'm taking a bite of this baby. Aghhh! Son of a bitching bitch!

Closely related to the above is biting the inside of your mouth. You don't realize how sharp your teeth are nor how forceful your bite is until you jab an incisor into your cheek. With a good swipe you can puncture the mucosal layer and get into the epithelium. That's the perfect opportunity to forget you just bit a hole in your cheek and cram a handful of salt and vinegar Lay's potato chips in your mouth.

Burning yourself may be the thing that angers me the most. I've got a hundred different ways to do it. I don't need to be cooking or operating machinery to give myself a charming red welt on my skin via burn injury. Here's a little maneuver I perfected last summer. I fastened my seatbelt after my car sat in the Arizona sun for about 4 hours. Strangely the clasp didn't feel that hot in my hands. But then the the clasp worked its way between my pants and my tee shirt whence it came to rest on the pubic region, just above the patch. Son of a fuck! The flat surface of super-heated metal seared itself to my abdomen while I was negotiating the local mall's parking lot. And here's the cute part. Grasping for the release button, I managed to scald my fingers, too. It wasn't hot to the touch previously, but now that I desperately needed to escape, the clasp was hotter than Satan's ballsack. In this episode, not only did I discover a new way to burn myself, but I defied the laws of physics as well!

I'd love to continue this essay, but I just pinched my foot between my computer chair's wheel and the hardwood floor. Son of a bitch!

40 comments:

Anonymous said...

I must still be asleep. I thought you said hotter than Santa's ballsack and that didn't make any sense at all.

NWJR said...

I hurt just READING this post!

jules said...

Since most of your hurts appear to happen in the kitchen, I say you just stay the hell out of there. Try delivery....just not of pizza.

Jack K. said...

Just wait, as you mature, you will find yourself taking short cuts as you turn to walk throught a doorway. That damned jamb will not be moved. sunavabitch.

Spinning Girl said...

I love the almost-healed cheek re-bite.

Also, the serrated-knife-across-the-palm bagel-cutting injury.

Last but not least, the corner-where-two-walls-meet-between-the-toes smash.

Anonymous said...

Yeah Bugs, done all of them and many more, son of a bitch!

QofD said...

Sounds like the perfect justification for a permanent IV of prescription painkillers to me.

Memphis Steve said...

I can totally sympathize. Or empathize. Or whatever word it is that means I do this shit, too. Except for the part with the potato chips. I never do that. But I seem to bite my own face whenever I eat good food. Apparently my mouth just gets so excited that it wants to eat my face along with the pizza or whatever it is I'm trying to eat. But then, of course, the food is mixed with blood and doesn't taste as good. That always pisses me off. Son of a bitch!

JJ said...

'hotter than Satan's ballsack.'
ROTF!

Stubbing my baby pinkie toe hurts worst of all! Mother-bitch!!! Really pisses me off, too. What did my baby pinkie toe ever do to anybody? lol

Purring said...

Yup...I'm a baby pinky toe abuser myself.

Scottsdale Girl said...

I honest-to-gawdness do not know how we mere mortals manage to not burst into flame from merely stepping outside during the summer in Phoenix/Tucson. Also, one time, I got in my car after 8 hours in the sun, there was a penny on the seat. I had on shorts. Lincoln's face was a permanent fixture on my thigh for about a year. SON OF A WHORE!

blonde71274 said...

That had to be the funniest post I've read all week! I've done several of those things but I'm a hairdresser and let me tell it's a son of bitch when you cut yourself in mid-haircut. Don't worry...I've never cut my client, only myself. The corner of the footboard always seems to crack me in the hip too when I'm trying to get around my bed.

Miss Cellania said...

Maybe you should look into a bit of anger management therapy before you kill yourself. But tasting spoiled milk... there ain't no cure for that. Eww!

Miss Sassy said...

Somehow I read "Still, the little bastard must pay, so I'll usually punch it and get on with my life." as "... and get it on with my wife."

Try my version and see if you can get one peeve off your list.

Just don't mix the chips with this one, or she will be the one screaming SOB all over the house.

CaCaBoy said...

I just hurt my self by distancing myself from others so as not to become vulnerable to emotional trauma should said person(s) hurt me in some way.......

God damn those fucking therapy sessions.....(hitting head with closed fist)...damn it...damn it....damn it!

Anonymous said...

I can't believe it! I have just uncovered my male counterpart in accidental masochism. Boy, am I glad to know I'm not alone! =)

May you have a happy, ouch-free weekend! ;p

Toni said...

Oh man, I thought I was the only one who finds the more bizarre ways of hurting oneself. Once I was scooping cold refried beans (or something like that) out of a can. Since it had been in the fridge, I had to dig extra hard to scoop it out, not realizing that I was also slicing my finger on the can's lip in the process. OUCH!

"Closely related to the above is biting the inside of your mouth. You don't realize how sharp your teeth are nor how forceful your bite is until you jab an incisor into your cheek."

I can totally relate to this. As of now I have a tiny little nipple-like bump on the inside of my cheek from years of biting down on it. It's really gross and hurts like a bitch when I accidentally chomp down on it.

tornwordo said...

All so true. I've got more scars on my head (being 6'3") than I can count. And what about the way corners of coffee tables suddenly jut out to meet one's shin?

Anonymous said...

I hate when I take a drink when it's way too hot to even drink yet.. then I can't taste anything else for hours.

Snooze said...

I cracked right up reading your description of the hot seatbelt. Those things should have warnings on them.

It's Me, Maven... said...

How about catching a pubic hair or a bit of your scrote or shaft in your zipper?

Or forgetting you just scratched your nuts then scratching your nose?

Both, equally annoying, I'm sure:)

Anonymous said...

Hahaha "Son of a fuck" is my new favourite saying.

Ari said...

I had a car once that I used to slam my head on the doorjamb EVERY TIME. It never changed position, my head never shrank, I never lobbed my ass into the seat any differently, so why the shit could I never avoid cracking my skull?

Brilliant analysis of the human condition, LBB. Get thee to a stage, and come to my town.

MIA said...

When you go pay someone to pour hot wax on your muffy then have your little pubies RIPPPPED out with a piece of mummy wrapping this all seems so trite.

Jon Cox said...

Oh wow, I hope you're alright.

poopie said...

Sonofabitch! I can relate. I do that dumb shit all the time..constantly covered with bruises and scars.

Random Musings Of My Life said...

LMAO ok we may be related.. my hubby says I am accident prone to EVERYTHING!

Anonymous said...

mate i can completely relate to this. if i got a dollar ever time i bit me cheek i wouldn't need a full-time job.

interesting blog u got here.

Gav

Redneck Nerdboy! said...

Don't ya just wanna kick that other side's half so much? Haha!

Heather said...

Oh, LBB. I laughed so hard reading this post. Please understand, I am not laughing at you. I am laughing because I can so totally relate. You have described me.

Heidi the Hick said...

Clearly, Bug, you are into torturing yourself. Look at your screen saver if you need proof! What were you thinking??

haha!

Lyvvie said...

I'm a cheek biter too, and you're right, once the cheek swells a lil bit you just keep biting the same bit over and over again. I also bang my elbows a lot, usually on the kid's heads because they are all at elbow height just about now. Soon I'll be elbowing them in the face, which'll be a lot softer than a skull.

What kind of car do you drive that has the metal bit of the seatbelt over your belly?? I thought they all crossed the body to hitch on the side of the seat...are you in some '5os styled Caddy or something? I've not seen belt buckles like that since I was a wee kid. Were you in the backseat of a 1975 AMC Pacer?? (excellent backseats.)

Susan as herself said...

I agree about burns being the most anger-inducing. Here's something I do over and over, and cannot seem to learn: After using the stove top (I have a gas range), I clean up right away so stuff doesn't harden...and end up grabbing one of the black burner thingees so I can get underneath.

YOWWEEEEE. And DUHHHHHH. I do it ALL THE DAMN TIME.

Riss said...

I laughed all through this post. I think you're my twin brother but white and not related to me at all. And also not anywhere near me. But still.

I hurt myself all the damn time. Paper cuts. Cardboard cuts. Knife cuts. Banging my hip into the doorknob. Banging my head into the cupboard. Our fridge actually has a sign on the bottom shelf, put up by my husband, that says "Watch your head!!!"

Oh great One said...

I hate magma pizza! Those taste buds don't work right for days!

Anonymous said...

Dentists actually have a name for that little blister that hot pizza forms in the top of your mouth just behind your front teeth. Nothing scientific, just a "pizza burn."

Yeah...but have you ever done childbirth?????

I thought not.

Anonymous said...

the burning of the mouth due to eating hot food thing? I do that ALL the freakin time! I can't be arsed to wait for food to cool down a bit. Apparently I'd prefer to burn the roof of my mouth and then use my tongue to peel away shriveled layers of dead mouth roof for days to come.

Bennet said...

Funny stuff

Hey, I did bite into a Wendy's 1/2 pound chedder bacon double melt while driving the other day...Bit into it, pulled away not completely cutting the bacon clear, but instead pulled it out, covering in hot cheese, as it slapped my chin....I think the cheese burnt into my pores...I should have sued somebody dammit.

mcBlogger said...

I should revel in other's misery, but it's really nice to know I'm not alone.

phlegmfatale said...

it sends me 'round the bend when I bite my tongue or the inside of my cheek - and it's never a small bite, it's usually a major chomping that draws blood. Eek.