12/08/2006

Bullet-ins

*I must be shedding my sex appeal as the years advance. I sprayed some Axe Body Spray on my chest and abdomen yesterday. As the commercials depict, this should be the point where several attractive women materialize and grope me. Instead my wife appeared from the kitchen and asked me when the hell I was going to take out the garbage.

*They say “do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life.” That's hogwash. I love doing lots of things, but I wouldn't want to do any of them 40 hours per week. That's too much time to stick with any task or hobby. For instance, I love popping those little plastic bubbles in the packing material. But after a couple of hours of compulsive pinching, I'm ready to set it down. I also love eating buffalo wings and jerking off – sometime simultaneously. But again, after a couple hours, I discard the bones, zip my pants and leave the bus stop. The point is, we need to shorten the workweek.

*There are so many disciplines of martial arts: tae kwon do, jujitsu, judo, karate, Sudoku, etc; they all amount to the same thing: chopping the guy in the throat and kicking him in the bean bag. In fact, I'll bet “tae kwon do” is Chinese for “bruised testicles.”

*Just today I was reading a Gary Larson comic book in a Carl's Jr. I was in a giggly mood and laughing my fool head off. I thought I was keeping my laughter subtle, but evidently I wasn't. Some guy approached my table and said, “Excuse me. My mom over there would love to know what you're reading.” I turned to his mom at the next table and answered, “Mein Kampf.” No, I didn't actually say that. But I wish I would have thought of it then instead of during my drive home.

*Ever notice how many “consultants” are out there? How do they earn their livings? It seems business would be scarce. Do you know anybody who's ever said, "I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I'm going to pay somebody else to tell me?" Yeah, sure, my work hires consultants. I always want to ask the consultant, "Hey buddy, how the hell do YOU know how to fix our problems? You don't even work here! If you wanted a sandwich, I'd have to point you to the cafeteria!”

35 comments:

Anonymous said...

In my absense from blogging, I forgot about you. And how funny you are.

I always think of the best comebacks once I'm outside of the situation. So, instead, I just replay the scene in my head as if I had said what I wanted.

Jeannie said...

Do what you love huh? How many bad singers, artists and porn stars does the world need? and wouldn't the laws of supply and demand kick in? So no one would get paid and someone would have to go back to being a waiter.
It is too bad the excellent comebacks are usually way too late.
Who does hire consultants? Isn't a consultant usually someone who has been canned at their previous job and are too old to get hired somewhere new?

Miss Cellania said...

You betcha! Businesses hire consultants so they will have someone to blame if anything goes wrong.

I sure wish I could talk someone into paying me to pop bubble wrap for 40 hours a week. Or even better, for twenty, or ten... I'm trying my best to get someone to pay me for blogging!

MIA said...

Consultants, kinda like Carlton Sheets selling how to be a bizillionaire selling real estate by infomercial. If you are so damn good at what you do Mr. consultant, why don't YOU run your own very profitable company? huh? huh?
Oh cause you ran it in the ground and now you need a job and someone elses money. I think I'm on to something.

MIA said...

PS. you must be in the industry, seriously whose into imaging?

tornwordo said...

The busstop line made me laugh.

Anonymous said...

Ditto on the bus stop line. I laughed too, but I wonder...didn't the hot sauce BURN a little?

NWJR said...

You actually used AXE BODY SPRAY???

I'm disappointed in you, LBB. What's next? Are you going to buy a Glade Plug-In?

Please. Get help NOW.

Anonymous said...

Ah, Grasshopper, I have spend many long hour perfecting Sudoku technique.

Bennet said...

hehehehe...The consultants can't make sandwiches for this very reason. This also explains why they usually arive early, and hog the doughnuts.

BTW, I stay away from Axe...I use Tag, and the low down in the gangsta hood is that Tag's Lucky Day is the soul brother's personal fav.

Random Musings Of My Life said...

ha ha... yeah I have conversations with some consultants.. I agree its all hog wash

Anonymous said...

LOL! You tried Axe, huh? I could have told you that stuff doesn't work. Next thing to try is shaving your head. There's nothing sexy about that either. But it's a great way to hide a receeding hairline!

Some places are just addicted to consultants. I've noticed these people like to involve you in the final "report" so that they have an accomplice if their recommendations suck.

Oh great One said...

You have a gift. You know that don't you? These are great!

Anonymous said...

So glad to hear that somebody else found "Mein Kampf" so funny they laughed out loud, I was beginning to worry about my sense of humor.

Anonymous said...

You sure you weren't doing a 'Sally' aka 'When Harry Met Sally' and the guy's mother didn't want some of what you were having?

mist1 said...

I am a consultant. I tell people what I think of their shoes and what a better handbag choice would have been. I do it pro bono. My reward is in knowing that I am making a more fashionable world.

Anonymous said...

Reading in public: always a dangerous business. Hell, ANYtime. Like now!!

Anonymous said...

Axe Body Spray smells like ass. Always has, always will. I guess if you're looking for a chick that likes guys that smell like ass, use the Axe Body Spray.

Just sayin'...

heather said...

My husband does consulting from time to time. It's a sweet deal. Do it if you can. :-)

My son always wants to use the AXE body spray and it knocks me down from about 6 feet away and then my airway clamps down. That stuff is rank.

gael_cee said...

"bean bag"?
"Mein Kampf"?
Friggin' Hilarious.

@ss Gagger said...

I always think of witty comebacks way too late.

Glad I stopped by...I needed a laugh to get my Monday morning going!

Scottsdale Girl said...

Yeah I was thinking mommy wanted a play date - with you.

Dave Morris said...

Here's hoping your dick doesn't turn orange.

Hollz said...

Mmmmm i love axe it smells so good, so sexy... whenever i smell it on a man i get shivers..

Buffalo wings and jerking off *lol* sounds fun!!!!

Heidi the Hick said...

"...and leave the bus stop. The point is, we need to shorten the workweek."

Oh man, giggles escaped me audibly!

By the way, I'm a time wasting consultant. I'm totally broke.

Anonymous said...

I enjoyed this so much today! Hot wings and masterbation don't sound like a very good combo to me - did you ever...

never mind - you'll tell us another time.

Miss Sassy said...

"The point is, we need to shorten the workweek. "
I've been saying this since I got into the working world! I've used your decductive reasoning as well!!! Still, no strikes though - I guess some people are willing to do ANYTHING to not live at a busstop... oh, wait...

Anonymous said...

LBB, this is wonderful! LOL.

You should have said Mein Kampf. It would have been interesting what the lady would say.

Or how about that scene when Hannibal was eating brains at the airport! Not that I've seen the movie. I don't like horror. It gets stamped in my brain and then I am scared-shitless or is it scared-shitful to even go to my kitchen without company!

Is being consultant the same as "Independently employed?"

Anonymous said...

Dave Morris said...
Here's hoping your dick doesn't turn orange.


LBB, I hope it's not spicy wings you're eating while wacking off?

Anonymous said...

I can smell the AXE from across the house when my son sprays it... it's my fault for buying it for him.


buffalo wings, rubbing one out and bus stops..

I saw that once. By Kmart.

Memphis Steve said...

I think you're right about the meaning of tae kwan do. All I remember is we did a lot of kicking and then they taught us this move where you grab the testicles and rip them off. When I asked the instructor, "what if I'm being attacked by a woman" he really couldn't come up with an answer. So I'm guessing tae kwan do is useless against Rosie O'Donnell.

Video X said...

Ah. Consultants. Shoppers. I went wrong somewhere in life! They get all the money then move on yet seem to have accomplished nothing.

Sherri said...

I love buffalo wings too with lots of ranch... nevermind. Bad visual.

Anonymous said...

I can't comment on Axe body spray, but I can vouch for Right Guard deodorant. Yum.

Jon said...

"But again, after a couple hours, I discard the bones, zip my pants and leave the bus stop."

Quote of the Day. I spit out my tea.