12/26/2006

Bullet-ins

*I'm glad the state of New Mexico got its name before the age of mass marketing. Should New Mexico have attained statehood today, they'd name it “New and Improved Mexico, now with 92% fewer Mexicans.” And the state slogan would be “Move here today and receive a free month of AOL.”

*I think a better name for the Roman Sun God would be “Celsius.”

*Here's an idea for the fast food industry. I call it the Premium Line. Menu items cost a bit more, but reasonably intelligent people take your order and prepare the food. The rejects interact with the people in the cheap line, which is what we stand in today. The franchise pays employees in the Premium Line more money, of course, which is why you pay a premium to use it. But tell me this wouldn't be worth it. No jacked up orders. No missing fries. No foreign bodies in the food. Here's an extra dollar. I'll take a Whopper with cheese, hold the morons.

*Everybody jokes about women who visit public restrooms in pairs. That's fine. In fact, it's downright cute. Often they have to tinkle, refresh their makeup or decide how to divvy up the two guys they just met at the bar. But every once in a while, one of them is visiting the restroom to drop a deuce. Do you ladies still appreciate the company? And what's that conversation like, anyway? “Bear down on that turd, girl. Don't stop 'til you hear a kerplunk.”

*The irony in matching wits with a halfwit is, you usually get outwitted by half.

*I've spent 2 years criticizing TV commercials on this blog. I've learned some things. Although advertisers have a million ways to bullshit us, the message they impart on our subconscious distills to one of five: Buy our shit because: 1) you'll get laid. 2) you'll prove you're smarter and more sophisticated than the average guy. 3) your kids will love you. 4) you pain and fears will go away. 5) it tastes good. But don't hate advertisers. They're a blessing. Nobody understands human motivation better than they do. And if you pay attention to them, you'll learn a lot about people, including yourself. Plus, you'll never run dry of blogging topics.

*Here's a good answer to the trick question, Mr. So-and-So, when did you stop beating your wife? Answer: Before I started, jerkoff.

*When God was fashioning our bones, joints and teeth, He mustn't have yet created the element titanium. He could have saved us a great deal of trouble if He made those parts out of that miraculous metal. Plus we could place magnets on ourselves. Hella cool. Imagine an 80-year-old guy walking around like he's Wolverine from the X-men.

*I just heard a Public Service Announcement by the members of boy band N-Sync. Get this. They're coming out against people who make light of the seizure disorder, epilepsy. That's right. Epilepsy. Are epilepsy-haters really a problem? How many people on the entire planet are cold-hearted enough to poke fun at a guy having a seizure. Hey buddy, I've got to paint my fence. Can you hold this can of paint for a few minutes? Or, Say there fella. Are you impersonating a tuning fork? And Here's another PSA I don't understand: Support Breastfeeding. Huh? Who's against that? Maybe a few guys at the formula plant, but nobody else. Women have been breastfeeding since the dawn of time. Plus there's an outside chance you get to see a boob. These PSA people are self-important douchebags. Why don't they tell us something useful? Remind everybody not to go swimming for an hour after eating a hot dog.

37 comments:

Anonymous said...

The thought of being outwitted by half when I match wits with a half-wit has probably been the reason for me not matching wits with a half-wit LBB.

Anonymous said...

I would SO pay the extra buck every time. What I lost in cash I'd gain in months of life added by my blood pressure not rising when something gets screwed up AGAIN.

I find that when one of a pair of restroom visiting women has to drop one, the other rapidly excuses herself.

The thing I hate most is hearing someone else moan and groan during it. Makes me want to do a PSA of my own: Ma'am, just a reminder: your Wal-Mart Shanty-Stall(tm) isn't soundproofed.

Miss Cellania said...

You'd be surprised. One guy went on for several paragraphs about how breastfeeding was gross, low-class, and pornographic. In the comments at this post.

And I prefer to go potty alone, although I'm usually followed by children.

tornwordo said...

So true about the commercials. Take for example mountain dew. I always think, "Look honey, if I drink mountain dew, I'll have a zillion friends and won't have to work, we'll just play all day in a waterfall! Ooh where can I buy some."

Anonymous said...

I think there needs to be a premium line at the bank drive-thrus. For those people who just want to make a deposit and leave instead of sitting behind the idiots that are constantly asking for a balance of their highly important account that has an average balance of about $1.27.

Anonymous said...

Well the band N-Sync usually looked like they were having a seizure disorder, so maybe that's why they did the PSA?

Anonymous said...

What about New and Improved Mexico, now with Retsin?

Anonymous said...

Tornwordo, are you suggesting it's not the Mountain Dew? I can switch to margaritas and keep the friends and waterfall? It's getting better all the time...

Anonymous said...

I think if a new state were to be named today the names would range from something like Time Warner Territories to The state of Verizon, and then after five years the state has an option to sell the name to the highest bidder!

Memphis Steve said...

I don't know why guys like us can't decent jobs in advertising. If they'd hire us we could sell any stupid shit they wanted.

Edgy Mama said...

Yeah, did you hear about Victoria's fricking Secrets stores kicking breastfeeding Moms out of their stores? Isn't partial breast exposure the primary point of the business? Total nonsense.

NWJR said...

Illinois had to make a damn law to allow public breastfeeding.

Nice to see you on the side of the progressives on this one, LBB. It's the knuckle-draggers like Limbaugh that are comparing public breastfeeding to public urination. We know you're better than that!

Anonymous said...

Oh my God I would freaking love the Premium Line. That is pretty much the best idea ever, since McDonald's went "Let's deep fry our french fries in meat and lard." Hey, there's a reason their fries are about a jillion times better than anyone else's. It's a worthy price to pay.

Seriously though, I'm a huge fan of the dollar menu but I would pay double to oh... get out of the drive through with my ENTIRE order. Or get more than ONE napkin. "Hey thanks, after my husband and kids finish our 2 Big macs, 20 piece nuggets and 2 large fries, we can share this one napkin."

Ack.

My point is, Happy Kwanzaa LBB!

poopie said...

"Bear down on that turd" *snort* You ain't right boy.

Anonymous said...

I really enjoyed this post, dude.

I followed the breastfeeding link from the comment above - that "Sean" poster is the biggest ass I've read today.

I agree about the titanium thing - What's up with that, god dude?

Happy Merry to you!

Anonymous said...

Scotland has a law that says you can't ask a breastfeeding mother to move. We can breastfeed anywhere we want to. Imagine the possibilities. It's much more supported and encouraged here.

If you want a Roman god named Celsius, then you go ahead and makes one. Here's some clay.

Women don't poop in public toilets. It's a law. A Women's law. And if any do (which they don't) they don't discuss it with anyone!

Anonymous said...

I recall a time when the big news was to "avoid sandwiches because they are detrimental to your health". It was all over the news. As for breastfeeding, when I had my babies, my inlaws (now EX inlaws) were on the campaign for pro-breastfeeding...the thing was, I hated breastfeeding my children. Whenever I was frustrated or thinking I might stop with the first one, my mother in law would call me, followed by her posse of my 4 sisters in law, all "encouraging" me to continue breastfeeding so my children would become geniuses....6 months later I finally stopped, much to their dismay. With baby #2, I fed her with a bottle from the start and snarled at their tsk tsking. Didn't you want to know all that?

mist1 said...

Have you been spying on us in the ladies room? That's exactly what we say.

Anonymous said...

I HATE comercials.HATE! And I always support breasts, in any capacity. Particularly huge, heaving, old school, unaltered dinners.

CP said...

As an epileptic, I can tell ya. There is a whole assload of ignorance out there. But, I also always offer to shake martini's for people at parties. It's my public service to the world.

CP.

Anonymous said...

Dude, you been watching way too much TV..........and breastfeeding women

Anonymous said...

Now, THESE are concepts I can get behind.

I think your seemingly obvious PSAs are a good idea.

Is it OK if I act on it in my blog?

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

"No foreign bodies in the food"

That is SO VERY VERY important!!!

And I never EVER poop in a public restroom unless I am about to explode. And if I am ever forced to use one, I always remember the "courtesy flush" after I squeeze one out. It's the proper thing for a lady to do...ESPECIALLY us royal types. ;)

Evil Genius said...

Yep. If we could get rid of all the epilepsy haters and breastfeeding haters, this world would be a much better place. :-)

Spinning Girl said...

Sometimes I just whip out a boob in a restaurant, for the hell of it.

I find it interesting that most breastfeeding haters are women.

I wonder how many men are public-urinal haters.

Bennet said...

This occured to me the other day when I was at Walgreens, because remember the comercials that advertize how being at a Walgreens is some sort of fantasy like world that's better than real life...Anyways, I went there, and a very attractive female worker kept being very nice...It confused me because I didn't know if she wanted sex, or was just being company policy nice...
I should have asked for sex, after all it was Walgreens.

Anonymous said...

Those boys of N'Sync sure do know how to stay relevant. Just today I was going to make fun of a person having seizure but I thought better of it because One Of The Guys Who Isn't Justin Timberlake told me to.

Anonymous said...

aaahhahahahahahahaa! !!!!

most women don't take a dump in public. unless at work.

then they go alone, and play the waiting game. they try to out-sit each other pinchin the loaf, hoping the other lady gets the hint and leaves so they can drop the deuce alone. ;p

nothings funnier than knowing that the chick in the office you work with has explosive diarrhea

It's Me, Maven... said...

Often they have to tinkle, refresh their makeup or decide how to divvy up the two guys they just met at the bar. But every once in a while, one of them is visiting the restroom to drop a deuce. Do you ladies still appreciate the company?

A deep, resounding NO!!

Because my dumps are usually uber-nasty, uber-stenchy, and uber-noisy. I couldn't handle the walk of shame afterwards. And the last thing I need when I'm pinchin' off a loaf, or doing a high speed liquified dignity download is to be making small chitchat with someone, or worse, listen to idle chitchat while I am so obviously engaged in rectal warfare.

What ASStounds me is that there are women who will remain in the restroom gabbing, despite my ass aerating the room with fecal particulate.

Breathe the particulate,
BE THE PARTICULATE!!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the info, very much appreciated. Its a little to digest but will keep reading.
- bugsbutt.blogspot.com m
spaghetti alla carbonara

Anonymous said...

Being able to wear magnets would be pretty awesome. Then, I could make it look like I have tatoos without having to actually get one (I'm very afraid of needles). Plus, I could change them all the time. You're right - titanium came after our bones were created. Damn!

Anonymous said...

you are too funny, bugs!

Before I started, jerkoff.

That slayed me. :D

and the bathroom things annoys me sometimes because I refuse to poop with anybody else in the room. I just can't do it!

Anonymous said...

I, for one, do not support breast feeding. A vile and cruel act meant to ruin the raw sexuality of the breast by reducing it to something freudian.

NWJR said...

My skin is somewhat thin this morning, especially after reading "jali's" comments.

Just to clarify:

* I support the law that I quoted.
* I think it's sad that the anti-breastfeeding cabal has made it necessary to require such a law.
* I'm glad to see the normally uber-conservative LBB break with his right-wing brethren, and come down on the correct side of this issue.
* Boobies rock--they're both functional and attractive.

Hope that clears up my point, may have been missed. If anyone disagree with me on this particular issue, then I'm honored to be considered an "ass" in your eyes.

Anonymous said...

Wait, NSync is still considered a band?! I thought they fell out of sync a few years ago much to the dismay of four out of five of their members.:)

Eddo said...

For years I didn't know that women breastfed. I thought that was something people did BF - before formula. Then in my twenties, yes, my twenties, I started hearing about women breast-feeding IN PUBLIC! Gasp! haha. I was apparently an extremely sheltered child. Americans are so messed up mentally. We always focus our attention on the retarded things instead of what is really important - like Premium lines at McDonalds!

randommoments said...

The fast food moron bit reminds me of something of an order I received years ago.

My order: Cheeseburger, cut the tomatoes.

They actually left the tomatoes on my burger, but cut them up more.

Geniuses.