A "chief" by any other name is still a "champ."

...But first, a last-minute random thought: I might be stretching my neck out here, but I think Saddam Hussein would be a fun guy to hang around with.

And now for the post:

I've always loved those pre-packaged nicknames you use around the office to address other guys. For example, you shout across cubicles to your buddy at work, “What's up, chief?” Then he may reply with, “Nothing's new, sports fan. How about on your end, cool breeze?” “Nothing new here either. Stay cool, hero.” “Peace out, Rock star.”

I like generic nicknames. They transform everybody into an instant friend. They're great for when you're talking to a guy you remember liking, but you can't remember his freggin' name. That's the cool thing about nicknames: you only give them to people you like. So if somebody rolls up on you and drops a “What's shakin', Kimosabe?” on you, you know you're a friend.

I've been working on a list of new generic nicknames we can use around the office and at the local sports bar. Below is what I've come up with so far. Some nicknames have usage notes annexed:

Bull's eye
Anchorman (not for use on fat guys; feelings may be hurt)
Smokestack (excellent for pot-smoking friends)
Habenero (Do not use on people of Hispanic descent)
Space man
Golf pro
Pepper gun
Slider (for heterosexuals only)
Cold brew
LL Cool (insert person's name here; eg, LL Cool Eugene)
Cold cash
Coon dog (Caucasian friends only, please)
Cold drink
Home plate

A nuance of the nickname game is the vaguely insulting nickname. It's still a term of endearment, but it has a whiff of condescension. Reserve these for people you already know and with whom you've established a friendship:

Cheese whiz
Lube job (heterosexuals only)
Rubber crutch (not for the handicapped)
Wet paint
Decaf latte
Sand trap
Red tape
Square knot
Bean bag
Gag gift
Lug nut


Jamie Dawn said...

I have a habit of giving people I know nicknames. It is usually a version of their real name, such as my friend George is called Georg (Gay-org). I like the ones you've come up with better. I need to call this particular friend of mine Oscar rather than Georg because he actually looks like Oscar the Grouch, the Muppet. I don't mind nicknames for me, but I would not want people to call me Thunder Thighs or Fat Ass or Butt Ugly. Tinkerbell or Drop Dead Gorgeous would be accetpable. :)
Happy Holiday, Bucko!!

NWJR said...

I think you picked these up from President Bush. They sound like his entire White House staff!

Anonymous said...

Bug's Butt is conspicuously missing from your list.

Scottsdale Girl said...

All my friends are either

BabyGirl, Sugar, Honey, Chica,
Sport-O, Freakshow or Dude

mist1 said...

Generic nicknames are the best. They can save you from an uncomfortable morning. As in: "I think it's time you left now, Buddy."

Random Musings Of My Life said...

SWEET I wonder what the 60 year old lady down the hall would think if I called her Turbo.. humm I have to think about that one

Anonymous said...

Can Shit Stain or Ass Munch be taggs of affection? Hmmm. Dick recently gave me one... Big Sexy, but I think it's tong in cheek, if you know what I mean.

Anonymous said...

Now I'm thinking of approximately 12 more of those every 10 minutes (Browneye, Staplegun, Glittergloss). You can almost do it by reciting random compound words you can think of (Hipflask, Doghouse, Billboard).

Anonymous said...

Oh, and of course I forgot Rum Balls!

NWJR said...

I always liked "Fuck Stain".

tornwordo said...

I don't see the one spouse calls me - cricket boy. I like Backwash and I know just who to apply it to, lol.

Anonymous said...

Ha ha! I agree with nwjr!

My two very best friends are Bimbo and Poophead. They call me the exact same thing! We have used those names for years and we say it without even thinking about it. I may have to write a post about them now.

Happy New Year, LBB!

Miss Cellania said...

Your list looks decidedly masculine, but the commenters here have added some feminine suggestions. Maybe you should do a follow up list for the ladies!

Dubya has nicknames for everyone, but I believe in his case its a technique for establishing dominance instead of helping him to remember people.

Anonymous said...

I learned a long time ago to always call my dates/lovers baby, honey or darlin'.

Saves ya from that "Who the hell is so & so" when you call out the wrong name in a "delicate" moment

Anonymous said...

I have a habit of giving people I don't like nicknames so I can talk about them to others or on my blog and they won't know I'm talking about them. For example, the guy who sits in the cafeteria by himself and smiles the entire time is named, of course, "Smiles". And the girl who is stalking my friend and who looks like an elf is called "Keebler".

Anonymous said...

I have a nickname-related question: what happened to the K-(insert personalized name here)? You know, as in K-Dog, K-Joe, K-Fed?

Is it that there is a severe shortage of people who understand the delicate application of the letter "K"? Have they abused it so mightily that the nickname powers have now removed this from our verbal palate?

Oh great One said...

Too bad you're KNOT going to get the chance to HANG out with Saddam to find out! Ha ha ha!

Evil Genius said...

My ex-boss, who happened to be chief of police and an f**king tyrant, happens to be named Eugene. But somehow I can't imagine anyone calling him LL Cool Eugene. We did, however, call him Humpty Dumpty (behind his back), because he was bald and very fat (round) in the belly and had that disturbing egg shape about him.

I don't, however, recommend calling ANYONE Humpty Dumpty as a nickname...particularly anyone who carries a gun.

(Have a safe and happy New Year L. Bug's Butt!!!) :-)

Spinning Girl said...

Dry Hump
Snot Rocket
Tuna Breath
Cheez Doodle
Mama's Boy
Vice Prez
Pooper Scooper

Elaine said...

I almost didn't get through that first paragraph. hee hee!

Hilarious as usual LL Cool Butt.

Anonymous said...

I think Saddam has finally realized that he has reached the end of his rope. When asked for a comment, his wife said "Finally! I have a man who is well hung!"

Müzikdüde said...

Right on, Cupcake.

Anonymous said...

For some strange reason the name "Saltpeter" has an appeal.

MIA said...

Love the post!

Your friend,

Sweet cheeks

Anonymous said...

i have a tendency to call my husband "Buzzkill". But only because he keeps referring to me as "Smokestack". :D

Anonymous said...

Where do you get this stuff?

It's priceless.

Make your New Year a prosperous one.

I wonder if you need to explore the name "Saltpeter" with Peter? lol

Anonymous said...

Thanks. Coon dog and Lug Nut will be especially useful for those of us with short memories if friends' actual names.

Sharon said...

I'm tempted to reveal what my nickname used to be, but won't.

Dave Morris said...

Hey Sparky, good list!

Big Guy. (classic)

I also loved "Columbo," back when it was more timely. Now I use "Jack Bauer."

Happy New Year!!

Becky said...

Happy New Year! Hope you have a blessed and prosperous year to come!

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Hmmm....if I HAD to choose, I'm thinking Crotch-Shot (I have no idea why)...it just calls to me for some reason.

Happy New Year, LBB...;)

Memphis Steve said...

I worked with a guy we called Billy Idol. After getting to know him and finding out what an a-hole he was we changed his nickname to sleezebag. It was just more fitting, even though he did look EXACTLY like Billy Idol.

Anonymous said...

This must be a guy thing.

You should hear the nicknames that Dave uses when he answers the telephone with some of his "good" friends. It is enough to make Paris Hilton blush.

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