12/19/2006

Christmastime in the Aire

Above anything else, my blog's purpose to educate and empower my readers. As the Christmas spirit infects us and we feel the urge to celebrate, let's remember these guidelines for the holiday season:

1) Egg Nog should be referred to as “Non-Viable-Tissue-Mass Nog.”

2) Do not under any circumstances expose the general public to second-hand frankincense or myrrh. Although no scientific evidence suggests either is a carcinogen, both scents have connotations with the Christian holiday of Christmas. Please feel free to burn ganja, celebrate with public nudity or urinate in the snow. These are all nonsecular forms of holiday “art.” Those of you creative types who just drank a Thirstbuster should not be tempted to urinate any Christian symbols in the snow. Please stick to abstract designs or your name and you'll be fine.

3) The mythical figure Santa Claus is a staple of Christmas. Unfortunately people have depicted Santa as a white, heterosexual male slave elf-owner animal abuser who keeps his oppressed wife, Mrs. Claus, at home baking cookies while he takes all the credit for Xmas. From now on, Santa's sleigh will be drawn by high-IQ dolphins who work for a livable wage. Santa will not harness these magnificent creatures with reigns. Rather, the dolphins bump the sleigh across the night sky with their noses. Also, Santa is no longer white or straight. Until further notice, he's a gay Asian man bearing a striking resemblance to the guy who played Sulu on Star Trek.

4) The following names: Mary, Joseph, Christopher, Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Jesus (pronounced Hey-Soose), James, Peter, Jude, Titus and the surname Wiseman are all prohibited on all government forms or private forms whose enterprises are all or in part subsidized by the federal government (such as student loan applications and FHA mortgages). If you have one of the above names and need to fill out a government form, please denote your Christian name with an “X,” as in X-Mas, to avoid violating the Separation of Church and State codified in the Constitution (Constitutional scholars: I know what you're going to write) and disqualifying yourself from government aid. These names are fine to speak and use in the privacy of your own home, both during the Xmas holiday and the rest of the year, but not in a public forum where government tax dollars partially fund the event.

4a) All Biblical names prior to the New Testament (eg, Josh, Joel, Zeek, Ike, etc.) are, for the moment, acceptable names to include on government forms or to use in pubic schools; however, pending an investigation by the Muslim Anti-Defamation League, these names may be deemed offensive at any time, in which case these names will be denoted either with an “X,” as above, or with the Star of David. Contact your local chapter of the ACLU for up-to-date information on which names are still non-offensive.

5) The Xmas spirit attracts people to America from all over the world. While “undocumented” aliens are free to cross the border at will, they must renounce Catholicism at the fence, whereupon they're free to vote and attain US credentials such as voter ID and driver license. Just make sure you're spending your days in the fruit fields and not at church, vatos.

6) Xmas carols are part of the holiday season. But please sing only those carols that celebrate the winter season and do not explicitly mention “Christ.” Winter Wonderland is an example of an acceptable carol. Singing Amy Grant songs released prior to her pop cross-over constitutes a Class 3 misdemeanor. Anyone playing Kenny G Xmas CDs audible to public thoroughfare will be beaten to a pulp by municipal peace officers with candy cane nightsticks. When the offender, above, opts for Michael Bolton songs, he will be punished by sodomy with a peppermint stick.

36 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow, LBB. You just cut through all the holiday season politically correct bullshit like Lasik through fruitcake.

Carry on. I hope Baby Jesus and Santa leave many blessings/gifts/powers at your house, such as magical Non-Viable-Tissue-Mass Nog that tastes great and is less filling at 0 calories per serving.

Fathairybastard said...

Baaaaa, Humbug. Happy Saturnalia to everyone.

Anonymous said...

Well LBB, I'm sure someone as astute as you are will be getting some Goverment funding or a grant for your blog, so in an effort to conform with the rules;
A Merry X-Christmas from your friend X-Peter.

X-Jesus X-Christ I hope this gets past the
S. C. S.C (Separation of Church and State codified in the Constitution) without us gettin' into trouble.

NWJR said...

You nailed it, Bug. I'm nodding my head in Bill O'Reilly-like agreement.

This frightens me.

Anonymous said...

Well LBB, I'm sure someone as astute as you are will be getting some Government funding or a grant for your blog, so in an effort to conform with the rules;
A Merry X-Christmas from your friend X-Peter.

X-Jesus X-Christ I hope this gets past the
S. C. S.C (Separation of Church and State codified in the Constitution) without us gettin' into trouble.

Anonymous said...

Also, I think some one should do something about those TV cartoons. Kids might be brainwashed into christian ideals like peace on earth and goodwill towards men. MEN? GOODWILL TOWARDS THOSE PIGS??

mist1 said...

I can't get past #1. Blech.

tornwordo said...

Amy Grant, Kenny G, Michael Bolton - gross! (I hope they don't read your blog)

Anonymous said...

What?! Sulu was gay?!

Anonymous said...

btw, lbb, don't some followers of Islam use X as a part of their name? Malcom X for example. If so, isn't that also a violation of separation of church and state?

Please pardon my ignorance for not knowing such matters. I appreciate your efforts to eduate and empower poor doofi like me.

LMAO

Miss Cellania said...

Haha! I suppose this would be deemed disrespectful.

Anonymous said...

Non-Viable-Tissue-Mass Nog

I throw up in my mouth a little just SAYING that. *blurg, gag-gag, sploosh*

Migraine Boy said...

So, every December 24th, Sulu will be cumin' down my chimney. Yet another reason to fear the Christmas Season.

Elaine said...

SULU!! YES! please! Sulu in a Santa outfit..I will definately be more motivated to decorate the house if that happened. (A dancing Sulu on the lawn with a santa (sulu) hat, xmas carols playing in the background and fake snow around him????...oh yes, that's what xmas is ABOUT.)

Anonymous said...

You forgot to sodomize that asshole Rudolph. Other than that, this post is right on.

jules said...

I'm laughing so hard right now it hurts. You are so twisted...

Toni said...

"Anyone playing Kenny G Xmas CDs audible to public thoroughfare will be beaten to a pulp by municipal peace officers with candy cane nightsticks."

Aw come on, Bug- you're too lenient!

PBS said...

I like the new Santa and his, um dolpins!

Anonymous said...

The Jingle Cats CD rocks the Casbah, dude. It gets five stars.

Anonymous said...

So I'll be singing jingle bells (no christ reference) and drinking my non-viable-tissue-mass nog in a toast to you! :) This was great. Thanks for stopping by mine. :)

Anonymous said...

I'm not afraid to say it:

Merry CHRISTmas!

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Anonymous said...

Hey LBB, here are two words guaranteed to infuriate...

HAPPY KWANZAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, happy fake politically correct holiday, woot!

Anonymous said...

Now, come on, LBB.

Everyone knows that dolphins can't fly.

hammer said...

Santa is an overweight a slave owning animal abuser, and he even smokes a pipe! What kind of example does that set for the chillrun?

Great post dude!

Heidi the Hick said...

I AM A REBEL!

I LOVE JESUS!!!!!!

lock me up and cuff me, bwa ha haha hah ahaaaaaahhhaaa!

Oh, and the part about the Christmas CDs? I second that. That s**t is the true evil in this world.

Becky said...

I'm with you about Santa! SLAVE DRIVING CHAUVANIST!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

phlegmfatale said...

rinse, lather, repeat.

Anonymous said...

Egg nog is known to me as "Gag nog".

As for the wisemen, my daughters call them "the wise guys".

Eddo said...

Even during the holidays your wit and humor delight.

Merry Effin Christmas LLB!

Helga von porno said...

Santa is gay and asian, I should know, I fucked him.

Oh great One said...

You are a festivus miracle!

Redneck Nerdboy! said...

Haha! The Egg NOT comment cracked me up because it's dead on man!

Spinning Girl said...

There are way too many opportunities for Teddy Bears to Dress as Other Animals (TBDOA) with this season.

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