12/12/2006

More bullet-ins

*I think I'll open a franchise that competes with Hooters. People know Hooters for the skimpy shorts and tank tops the waitresses wear, thus the innuendo, Hooters. At my restaurant, the girls are going to wear g-strings. I'm calling the place Cooters. Or maybe Butters. Or Hooters, Cooters and Butters. The guys will have to wear the g-strings, too. Just to humiliate them, I'm going to refer to each as a SHORT-order cook.

*Remember the killer whale at Sea World who attacked his trainer? Wouldn't it be fun to pit the whale in a fight with that Tiger who attacked Roy, of Siegfried and Roy? I'd pay 50 bucks for a ticket to see those two in cage match. My money's on the tiger. He's got that killer instinct; he went right for the throat. That whale bit the trainer's foot. Wait. I just Googled Sigflamer and Boy Toy Roy. The article informs the reader that the tiger who put the bash on Roy was "destroyed." That doesn't seem fair to me. The tiger was destroyed but the killer whale gets off with a reprimand and 3 nights with no sardines. Maybe that's because nobody wants to dispose of a 5000-pound corpse. It's easier to scoop up a dead trainer once every few years.

*"Damn you" is the mildest insult involving a swear word. "Damn" was about the only swearing that would make it past broadcast editors until the 1980s. But if you think about it, saying "damn you" is the worst thing you can say. You're entreating the Lord to condemn the person to fiery damnation for eternity. I'd much rather hear a "go fuck yourself" any day. That actually sounds fun! Ironically, if you "fuck yourself" too often, you might be damned to hell. It depends how literally you take the Bible.

*I saw a bumper sticker that read, "I brake for no apparent reason." That's bad news for him and me, because I have a bumper sticker that reads "I sometimes rear-end those who brake unnecessarily." Maybe fate brought us together.

*People joke about office politics, employees at each other's throats, infighting, etc. But if you think about it, work is a big building full of people who all don't want to be there, who dream of quitting one day, who hate most of the people they work for and who are watching the clock with bated breath so they might escape and beat the inevitable traffic jam on the drive home. Suddenly, we all seem heroically well-adjusted. Don't we?

*I don't care what anybody says. Coffee tastes gross. I think that's why Starbucks can charge 5 bucks for a cup. They've earned it -- getting something that gross to taste that good. Until David Copperfield can magically transform a turd into a flank steak, he doesn't have shit on a barista.

*I worked at a hospital once and I asked a patient how he was doing. He replied, "It hurts to breathe." I quipped, "Well then, you should stop doing that." Two minutes later the guy coded on me. Look dude, don't be so literal in your next life. It was a freggin' joke.

*I'm probably not the first person to think of this, but I'd like to see an analogue watch like the Mickey Mouse watches, where the hands are Mickey's arms, only instead, I'd like male porn stars featured on the watch face. Three guesses what the second-hand is.

*I like that expression, shit or get off the pot. I want to start a new one that means basically the same thing: Fuck or get off the sheep.

39 comments:

heather said...

I once had a patient whom I was transferring to a less critical unit because he was a DNR. My friend and I kept crossing our fingers and repeating the mantra, "Please don't die 'til we get you transferred" under our breath. He ended up dying while I was transferring him from one bed to another. I felt like I had lost my humanity. I tried not to be so blase about other people's lives after that.

But still, when they code in Radiology, my first thought is always, "Here? Dammit!"

Scottsdale Girl said...

and if you don't go to hell you'll at least go blind.

Fuck or get off the sheep! BWAAAAAAAHAHAHAHH! OMG too much.

Great ones LBB.

Heidi the Hick said...

YOU are on FIRE today, my friend!!!

Finally someone agrees that coffee tastes gross. Let's stop ignoring that white elephant in the room kids. Let's admit that the emporer is nekkid. Coffee is yucky.

But this whole post today is right on.

Anonymous said...

LOL. LBB...as always..very funny!

I like that Fuck or get off the sheep.

And that analog watch? LMAO.

Miss Cellania said...

Funny as always! I guess you don't work at that hospital anymore. And work sucks... thats why I can't make myself look for a job.

PS Coffee is heavenly.

Anonymous said...

LOL, LBB, BTW, LMAO.

Anonymous said...

LOL, LBB, BTW, LMAO.

Anonymous said...

LOL, LBB, BTW, LMAO.

Anonymous said...

LOL, LBB, BTW, LMAO.

Anonymous said...

Or you could say "Fuck, or get off me."

Good work on killing that guy by the way, luckily I think God will see the humor in it.

jules said...

I'll take two of those watches, please.

NWJR said...

I think a Killer Whale/Stingray-who-downed-Steve-Irwin deathmatch would be cool.

Let's see if Shamu can pull a barb out of his ass.

Melonie said...

Very funny as always.

tornwordo said...

You had me at cooters.

Becky said...

MMMMMMMMMMM.... Starbucks. I'm trying to ween myself off coffee right now and I want, I want!

Al said...

Actually, "Damn You!" is not swearinf it's cursing, dammit.

mist1 said...

I like f*ck or get off the sheep.

I once had an assistant who was so irritated with me one day that she said, "Look, you f*ck the goat. I hold the horns."

She was the best. I still use the phrase.

Anonymous said...

We have a local competitor with Hooters called "Show-Me's," a reference to our great "Show Me State." It is just slightly trashier than Hooters, which makes it just my style, in terms of places to hang out.

Anonymous said...

We don't have "Hooters" Down Under. We do have "White Pointers" though! ;)

Miss Sassy said...

Your bulletin posts are like my mental post-it list - so glad you can articulate this stuff and get me to snort my drink at the same time.
Incidentally, the "Just Do It" bumper sticker has been cause for a 'meeting' or two in my day...

amburlynn said...

"Just to humiliate them, I'm going to refer to each as a SHORT-order cook" -LOL!

It somehow seems wrong that they "destroyed" the tiger. That would be like destroying a person for biting into a steak that forced them to do tricks.

Jack K. said...

Btw, Molasses is a sweet, thick liquid that I use for baking some loaves of bread. My wife also uses it to make Shoo-fly pie.

Hopes this helps. Thanks for asking.

Random Musings Of My Life said...

Wow the things that go on in your head, always for a good laugh, oh and I would so eat at a place called cooters.. it would be great really everyone in thongs.
What kind of shoes would they wear?

dawn said...

They killed that tiger?! That is bullshit. He's a TIGER for god's sake, not a friggin' bunny. Maybe he should not be on a stage, perhaps that is not the most natural place for him. What assholes.

Damn them.

Video X said...

hahaha. Ewe are funny.

Blech. Starbucks. I won't touch that crap. I would feel like a complete idiot spending that kind of money on freaking coffee. I prefer the Speedway coffee...it's $.89 and I get the seventh cup free. Woohoo!

Anonymous said...

I love Starbucks if filled with sugar and milk and peppermint flavoring

MIA said...

Couldn't help but notice, but shoo fly pie? Oh my

Hooters, I just don't get that name for the body part. I prefer party buckets.

Bennet said...

If David Copperfield could turn a turd into a flank steak the fun would then be watching David Blan eat it, turn it back to a turd,..then contiue the cycle into a steak, and so forth until David Blan passes out, and we shed not a tear.

Summer said...

I think there should be a restaurant called Dicks just to even the score. Well we do have a store called Dick's but its sporting goods. And coffee, I'm with you, gross. When you tell people you don't drink it they look at you like you're crazy. Coffee breath...the worst

Anonymous said...

Say what you want about Hooters - they have some fine buffalo chicken, least around here anyway. Now, if only they'd stop hiring chicks with acne pustules bigger than their juggs...some of us do look at faces...

Anonymous said...

Say what you want about Hooters - they have some fine buffalo chicken, least around here anyway. Now, if only they'd stop hiring chicks with acne pustules bigger than their juggs...some of us do look at faces...

Anonymous said...

Amamdarama made me go "OOooo buffalo chicken! Ew...pustules!"

I wonder what the job interview would be like at Hooters, Cooters and Booters

I love coffee. I drink it black, strong and often. Wanna french?:P

Anonymous said...

You could call the place "Hons Buns"..........
Yeah, lame I know, but it's all I got today 8-{

Anonymous said...

that really bothers me when they kill wild animals for acting like...WILD ANIMALS. HELLO! ripping a man's throat out is what it's SUPPOSED to do!!

Elaine said...

"Fuck or get off the sheep."

isn't that like Alabama's state slogan?

Hee.

Brilliant and hilarious as usual bug!

Memphis Steve said...

Fuck or get off the sheep. I gotta remember that. I feel a new bumper sticker coming on.

Anonymous said...

I'm a Scorpian...but there's no need to be afraid of me, LLB ;)

Anonymous said...

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Toni said...

I'd like to open a restaurant similar to Hooters, but with waiters. I'd call it Nads, and the waiters would have to wear really tight shorts that accentuate their package.