1/05/2007

Bullet-ins

*True fact: The name “Beyonce,” translates from Zimbabwean to mean “big, butterscotch titties.”

*I just rented the movie “Lady in the Water,” or as I've begun calling it, “Money down the Drain.” I'm also tossing around “Shayalaman's Career in the Crapper.”

*I wish I held the patent on silverware. Either I'd be the richest man alive or we'd all be some messy eaters. Either way, I'd have more fun with life.

*Here's a phrase I want to spread around: “Just because you pack a gat' don't make you Snoop Doggy Dogg.”

*The guy who invented the gun and the guy who invented the bullet had to be the same freggin' guy, right? Also, the guy who invented the airbag has a patent pending. But what about the guy who invented the lunchbag? He's touched many more lives. Imagine that trip to the patent office: “You see, it's this bag, right, and you put food in there that you take to lunch... What do you mean I can't patent this? Don't you see the folds? That's technology right there.” Anyway, do you think the lunch bag guy sees any royalties? If so, I'll bet he took a big hit in the 1970s when they introduced those superhero lunchboxes.

*If I owned a bait shop, alongside the bait I'd sell fish. The sign above the fish would read “Certified, Pre-Caught Fish. Cut out the middleman and go home early!

*We pay a lot for our overdeveloped sense of justice here in America. Where else in the world do they gun people down for failing to signal a lane change because they were talking on a cell phone? How many Japanese employees, for another example, piss in the company punchbowl at the office party because they couldn't wear their “Buck Fush” tee shirt on casual Friday? How many Indians will kick you in the crotch for wearing the visiting team's sports jersey?

*So what happens to a gay guy if he accidentally sees two girls making out? Does he burst into flames or something? I ask because when straight guys accidentally do something gay, like touch their friend's butt during a football game, they usually compensate by doing something extra-macho to bring the scale back into balance, like belch or pick a fight. When Madonna kissed Brittney on TV, I'll bet sales of leather chaps skyrocketed.

*If global warming is really threatening to melt the polar ice caps, why are ground-level Manhattan condos still going for 3.2 million?

42 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh my God the first sentance made me howl and reinforced how much I missed your blog. Great writing as always LBB. Happy new year to you!

Anonymous said...

I can't get past that first paragraph.
I dare you to come to my town and try selling the fish next to the bait idea. you'd certainly get beaten up

Anonymous said...

Those ground level condos might wind up as aquariums yet LBB.

NWJR said...

Guys at a football game would never touch asses because they would never sit next to each other. "Real" men always have an empty "gay seat" between them, just like they to at the theatre.

Anonymous said...

The one way the bait guy can protect himself from physical violence would be to have a really good deal on beer.

I can see it now, there is the bait shop, the pre-caught fish appropriately iced, a pond near the shop, the full beer cooler, a place to sit and teach the worms to swim, and a full beer cooler. What more could a guy ask for? Did I mention the beer cooler being full of ice cold beer? I thought so. So, don't forget the cold beer.

As for the condo, who said anything about the owners being intelligent? tee hee. giggle.

Anonymous said...

Does your mind EVER shut off?

Anonymous said...

"If global warming is really threatening to melt the polar ice caps, why are ground-level Manhattan condos still going for 3.2 million?"

You never cease to amaze me with the thoughts that come from your mind!

That is so true. I guess once Manhatten goes underwater they depreciate. I'm waiting for my house in Pittsburgh to become oceanfront property. You guys can come visit for your beach vacation.

Anonymous said...

So what happens to a gay guy if he accidentally sees two girls making out? Does he burst into flames or something?...When Madonna kissed Brittney on TV, I'll bet sales of leather chaps skyrocketed.

hahahahahahahaaa!!! *deep breath* ahahahahahahahahaaaa!!! sorry. had a moment. im better now. teehee.

a rash of spontaneous combustion sweeps san fransisco after britney is busted screwing paris. hahah

Smartypants said...

Happy New Year!

Global warming? The Bush administration keeps telling me that's not really happening and given their record on matters scientific, of course, it can't be happening.

Anonymous said...

LOL. About the gay guys, wouldn't they jumped in? It will be just "all-girls" gone wild, except they'd be the ones with the penises.

Anonymous said...

LBB, did you just switch to beta?

Raggedy said...

That was a very thought provoking post.
I actually ran across a word I had never heard,”Gat'.” I had to go out to the internet and search this word. I am guessing you are using it as a slang word for gun because somehow the General Achievement Test taken by Victorian students just does not fit with your sentence. As far as the fish bait thing no one here goes fishing to actually catch the fish. It is more of a male bonding drink beer and sit on the lake. I am near Minnesota and the saying is land of 10,000 lakes and one fish.
I still use brown paper bags..lol Don't you think some person out there is collecting the royalty?
Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=':'=) hugs
(")_ (")Š from
the Cool Raggedy one

Spinning Girl said...

About folds -- how come I can never again fold a fitted sheet as nicely as it was folded in the package? I need some help here, people!!!!!!!!!!!!

mist1 said...

I wish I had butterscotch titties. Beer titties would be good too.

Anonymous said...

Wait, I'm still takin' all that in. Nope, the gun and the bullet were about 300 years apart. I know, inconceivable. And here's another Gat related phrase for your pleasure. "The fastest reload is another pistol." There you go. Use it wisely.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

The bait shop idea is friggin' BRILLIANT.

Believe me, I know...I LOVE to fish...and you bet your ass I'd use your services! ;)

CP said...

*If I owned a bait shop, alongside the bait I'd sell fish. The sign above the fish would read “Certified, Pre-Caught Fish. Cut out the middleman and go home early!”


Funniest.
Shit.
Ever.

Go to my blog. You've been nominated for an award!

CP.

~gkw said...

I'd use the bait shop!! My idea of fishing is drinking beer while the line gets wet. I could then buy the fish to keep my wife from thinking that I'd been to the strip bar all day.... when you go fishing and never bring anything home but you do smell of beer she begins to wonder....

CP said...

OMG...LBB...Look at this:

Postcard from PostSecret.

I had to share this with you.

You'll know why when you read it!

CP.

Anonymous said...

I loves me some LBB!!! (Please pronounce the s in loves to get the true effect)

Anonymous said...

i just watched Lady in the Water too. either it made no fucking sense whatsoever or I'm retarded, but either way, I hated it.

Anonymous said...

For get the lunchbox, or brown bagt...What about the penis implant?...just think how much money you could have made for inventing it...

Anonymous said...

Your tail light's still shining bright, LLB

MIA said...

I was just thinking how I wanted me some big white marshmallow titties then I read your blog, coincidence? I think not....

It's Me, Maven... said...

Dunno about you, but I can't help but think "Shayalaman-ding-dong" like that Sha-Nah-Nah song...

Anonymous said...

Why leave out the uber-unmotivated... open a Long John Silver next to the bait and fresh fish shops.

Anonymous said...

"Buck Fush." I bet 2-1 that that is a Spoonerism. Unless it's just what it is.

Anonymous said...

heheheheheee..

Again, as always your logic provails.

That M.Night Shayalaman guy has really pissed me off because they keep promoting his shit as if it's any good...

The Sixth Sense, Signs..(SWING AWAY! at the alien afraid of water)was okay, but everything after has sucked so much that I'd rather watch dead people, dead..all the time.

Oh great One said...

I love how your mind works!

Anonymous said...

I don't know but I asked one of my close gay friends the same question a few months ago because he likes gay porn, tolerates straight porn and despises lesbian porn.

Anonymous said...

I don't know but I asked one of my close gay friends the same question a few months ago because he likes gay porn, tolerates straight porn and despises lesbian porn.

Anonymous said...

Love
This
Blog

Your brain fascinates me!! LOL

Anonymous said...

I just can't get over the Beyonce line. Creeps me out a little.

Lynn said...

Big Butterscotch Titties. Really? You really just wrote that? I thought it translated to: "in complete denial of breast implants."

Evil Genius said...

I just rented the movie “Lady in the Water,” or as I've begun calling it, “Money down the Drain.”

Word, dude. Word.

Dave Morris said...

Okay, so Anheuser Busch just called and BEGGED me to talk you out of eliminating the FISHING part of fishing.

Jon said...

True fact: The name "Beyonce," translates from Zimbabwean to mean "big, butterscotch titties."

Quote of the year. of. the. year.

Anonymous said...

True fact: The name "Beyonce," translates from Zimbabwean to mean "big, butterscotch titties."

GET OUT!!!!! Is this true? Oh man that is hilarious.

Memphis Steve said...

Not that I'm a big believer in the religion of global warming, but the citizens of Manhattan aren't exactly the best barometer of truth. These are the same people who say "gender" instead of "sex" because they don't want to offend the transvestites, transexuals, and feminists who dominate their city government, and who require all public buildings to have a third bathroom for their gender confused friends rather than simply insisting that they use the one appropriate to their biological sex. In other words, denial is a hot commodity up there.

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alistair said...

gat.....gattling possibly?

very funny shit by the way.

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