1/18/2007

Bullet-ins

*Today I stood behind a uniformed fighter pilot in McDonald's (I live near an Air Force Base). He just received his food order. So I sneaked up close to him and shouted “STINGER MISSLE: SIX O'CLOCK!!!” Startled, he dropped his tray. He turned and gave me a contemptuous look. I lightened the situation with some humor. “Hey,” I said. “You know how in Top Gun, the friend, Goose, gets power-ejected into the flight canopy? I hope that doesn't happen to you someday. You can't even handle a box of McNuggets.” The store manager invited me to leave.

*Once in a while you'll read about friends and family members of a cancer patient who shave their heads to give their loved one a sense of solidarity. It's touching. But if you really want to show a cancer patient that you share the plight, why not induce vomiting 17 times a day? Stick your finger down your throat. Show some camaraderie. Maybe they should get fitted for a sympathy colostomy bag, too. I just thought of something. You know how some states allow you to smoke medical marijuana once you've caught cancer? I'll bet plenty of friends and family come to the patient's bedside then, seeking only, of course, a chance to show their solidarity. Pass the ganja, cue ball.

*If you were in a new rock band and all the members decided to name the band after one of the 50 states, would you choose Kansas?

*You know you hate your job when you're commuting to work and you see a fatal car accident on the freeway, and the victim is still under a sheet, and you think to yourself for a split second, “Lucky bastard – he doesn't have to go to work.” That actually happened to me two weeks ago while I was commuting to work on I-10. I envied the dead. Then I remembered we were having a potluck at work and felt sorry for the dead guy.

*I don't understand this Fantasy Football betting system. Everybody's doing it. “Hey, I've got so-and-so in my Fantasy Football League.” “Oh, really? Well I've got what's-his-name in my Fantasy Football League.” Hey, I don't give a crap which football players you're fantasizing about. If you're fantasizing about football players, guess what. You're queer. If you must fantasize about football, do what I do. Masturbate to the cheerleaders.

*I like to “spoon.” Sometimes I like it so much I pop out a butter knife, if you know what I'm getting at.

*The unseasonably warm spell in New England “proves” global warming in the same way fossilized fish bones in Kansas “prove” the Bible's recount of The Great Flood.

*How does a Chinaman take notes? Imagine drawing all those little pictures during a history lecture. I'd have developed arthritis by the time I was 12. I hope there's such a thing as Chinese shorthand. After all, they have their own version of handcuffs and checkers.

39 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow firsties!!
While I might not pick Kansas for the band name I would certainly put it before Ar-kansas,
What's with that Ark-an-saw thing??

Spinning Girl said...

I haven't envied the dead, but I did say the following: mass extinction

Oh, and if you want to feel better about yourself, there's always this.

Scottsdale Girl said...

Damn !3rd

"*Once in a while you'll read about friends and family members of a cancer patient who shave their heads to give their loved one a sense of solidarity. It's touching. But if you really want to show a cancer patient that you share the plight, why not induce vomiting 17 times a day? Stick your finger down your throat. Show some camaraderie. Maybe they should get fitted for a sympathy colostomy bag, too. I just thought of something. You know how some states allow you to smoke medical marijuana once you've caught cancer? I'll bet plenty of friends and family come to the patient's bedside then, seeking only, of course, a chance to show their solidarity. Pass the ganja, cue ball."

Well said bro, well said.

And, Rhode Island - becaue RODE and ISLAND and well you can take it from there what with native girls and such.

Anonymous said...

So I'm okay saying "I have the Chicago Defense in my fantasy league" because it doesn't make me queer. WOOT!

Anonymous said...

There have been a suspicious number of references to ganja in this blog of late...... just sayin'.

CruiserMel said...

I never got "Kansas". Bad band. Bad name.

Your remarks about the the butter knife will eternally haunt me. Thanks for that, LBB. Next time I get spooned, I'm going to crack up and fart on the guy. Gee thanks.

Anonymous said...

Weren't the dudes in Kansas FROM Kansas? You scoff, but that band made a few kick ass tunes back in the day. Beats the shit out of 90% of the crap that's out there now. Still have the 8-tracks.

mist1 said...

Spooning makes me feel clausterphobic. I like butter knives.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Yeah...when The PK and I spoon, he usually pops out a "butter knife" too.....

It usually ends up in my utensil drawer, if you know what I'm getting at. ;)

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Heidi the Hick said...

You did not really do that at McDonalds!!! (did you?)

I like to spoon too.

I get buttered up a lot.

If you know what I'm getting at.

Anonymous said...

Spooning is good.

Butter knives are great.

They really cut through the gravy.

If you know what I'm getting at.

Dave Morris said...

Too many butter knife references in the comment section... so I will just say Kansas totally rocks dude. I still have some of their old vinyl, although I never succumbed to the alure of their 8-tracks.

Anonymous said...

Mmmm... Potlucks... I'm a big fan of pasta salad and brownies, both of which usually make appearances at most potlucks that I've attended.

But, the next day, I'd probably be back to envying the dead guy.

New template looks great, by the way.

Oh great One said...

Spooning leads to sporking.

I like your new look.

Anonymous said...

I told my boyfriend I wanted to spoon, and he said he'd rather fork.

Anonymous said...

I spooned with my boyfried last night, he poked me with his chanel changer....

Anonymous said...

Too many good ones to pick just one to comment on. Great job...thanks for the laughs.

NWJR said...

How about a similar state, but you just spell it different...like arKANSAS.

That'd rock.

Anonymous said...

I wish my husband would poke me with his butter knife a little more often..

And I whole heartedly support pot smoking for "medicinal purposes"...which reminds me, I have been a little sick the past few days...hence the double shot of Nyquil I just took.

Anonymous said...

Pass the Ganja INDEED!

Anonymous said...

POP OUT A BUTTER KNIFE!! AAGH. Have you any idea how awesome it is for a woman to have her man spoon her, gently wrap his arms around her, his face breathing into her neck, next to her cheek, whatever...only to be startled by, well, a butter knife!!!! So much for calm sweet pure affection.

Anonymous said...

I can't believe no one made a "buns" comment to go with the "butter knife".

Love the new digs!

alistair said...

carry on my wayward son still rocks.

we get these stiff military type cops in the coffee shop occasionally and i just want to walk up and yell "bang" behind one, but, well.....they don`t look as if they would get the joke, especially while trying to unjam thier holster........

tornwordo said...

Popping a butter knife. Nice.

Anonymous said...

A butter knife? I'd rather have something a little more like a turkey baster! ;)

Anonymous said...

The best name for a band would be the one that's in heavy use today, name of...uh...um...Arkansas?

Actual, I always preferred Maine Line. Or Idahoes.

CP said...

I'm surprised you didn't pick up the body, just so you could ride in the HOV lane.

CP.

KB said...

I'm not sure there's a state name I'd use for a band. I'm guessing "Illinois" would be as boring as Kansas.

I got nothin'.

As for the Chinese shorthand. I believe you're on to something. Damn those Chinese handcuffs piss me off!

:)

Raggedy said...

LMAO. Great post!

Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=':'=) hugs
(")_ (")Š from
the Cool Raggedy one

Anonymous said...

ha! I've done that! i've been jealous of people who've gotten into accidents before work. i feel bad for the ones who get into them AFTER work because that's cutting into THEIR time...lol

Susan as herself said...

If I was in a fatal car accident, I would walk toward the light feeling guilty for clogging up the roadway and making emergency vehicles race to the scene.

This is why I do not die.

Anonymous said...

You're a sick man. And this is why we love you. Happy post potluck!

Anonymous said...

You're a sick man. And this is why we love you. Happy post potluck!

Anonymous said...

forget fork and spoons! when i'm alone, i use my fingers.

PentaMadre said...

LOL. Envy the dead...it's actually scary when there's a dead person on the side of the road...especially when you're behind that person.

I keep thinking, if the lead-foot had struck again, that would be me.

I rather like to be alive even if there's something wrong with my sex drive...becuase you know, it's not driving!

Anonymous said...

THis place looks all different.

I live an an airforce base.
Lookheed's been testing new weapons and everyone in Greenville's been reporting UFO sightings.

randommoments said...

Boy you opened up a can of worms...

I imagine its hard not to pop out the ol' butter knife when its next to warm buns.

*sigh* I just looked to make sure no one else had said this. Now its just not as good.

By the way, I've been lurking on your site but after you redecorated I felt a little nervous staying too long. Like I needed to take my shoes off or something.

randommoments said...

One more thing.

I live in Louisiana and there's a local cover band here called...
you guessed it, Louisiana.