1/26/2007

Bullet-ins

I'm still working on the Virtues. They'll be up next post. In the meantime...

*Here's a tip in case you're ever choking on a Cheerio: Don't panic. Just breathe through the hole. This also works for Froot Loops. If you're choking on Corn Flakes or a wad of Grapenuts, you're screwed.

*It's illegal to touch yourself in a public restroom. Stupid law. You HAVE to touch yourself a little bit if you want your aim to be true. Also, that thing isn't going to shake itself.

*Gosh, that Fergie doesn't lack for self-esteem. She's almost as conceited as that “my-milkshake-brings-all-the-boys-to-the-yard” girl.

*We're always going to war in places where there's oil, which I think is fine. We need oil. But I was thinking. If we go to war with Canada and we win, we could take a bunch of first-rate ski resorts.

*They've sold musical greeting cards for years. They're surprisingly affordable. What I wonder is, why haven't they installed this same technology in baby diapers? Every time the kid drops a deuce, the little diaper plays a song: “You dropped a bomb on me, baby. You dropped a bomb on me.” -- The Gap Band.

*Everybody's concerned about the upward spiral of healthcare costs. I have the solution. The money-back guarantee. If you die, your healthcare is free. Think how many outrageously expensive, life-saving measures performed hours or even minutes before death, fail. If I buy an iPod at Target and it doesn't work, I get my money back. Shouldn't something as important as healthcare have the same policy as a discount retailer?

*I recently dined at a local restaurant. I drank water and devoured the complimentary bread and chips with salsa. When the waiter arrived, I explained that I was happy with the bread and chips and that I wouldn't be ordering an entree. This puzzled and vexed him. “But sir, you haven't ordered anything. There's no check.” “Bingo, gringo.” “But sir, you can't just...” “Relax,” I responded. “You'll still get your 15%. Hell, make it 20%.

37 comments:

Memphis Steve said...

I'll bet the waiters hate you.

I think you should patent that diaper idea fast, 'cause someone is going to make money off that.

If we conquer Canada there are quite a few blogger women up there that I want as my personal sex slaves. Can we do that? Would that be wrong?

Anonymous said...

Remind me to never wait on you!

Anonymous said...

I never thought about breathing through the cheerio..next time I get a kid in the ER I will let them know no worries, just breath though the whole...makes so much sence why didn't I think of that?

Sharon said...

They make toothbrushes now that play music while you brush. So the diaper idea rocks. :)

skinnylittleblonde said...

LOL, great post! I think previous commenters are correct...you are on to something with the diapers...

Anonymous said...

Let's see, 15 percent of zero is....um...uh....0? Yeah, that's a good plan, leave him 20 percent.

Anonymous said...

Hey! I love the Gap Band!!! yearning for Your Love is my all time favorite!!!!

I'd eat out with you anytime!

Anonymous said...

And if we went to war with Mexico, we could land ourselves a bunch of beachside, all-inclusive resorts!

I am so right there with ya on this one!

grumblemurray said...

Every time I got to Olive Garden I consider leaving after eating the free bread. It's all I need, really.

Unfortunately, wife likes to eat fancy stuff like pasta and what not.

Anonymous said...

The least you could do is slip the server a buck. lmao

tornwordo said...

Love the diaper idea. And that's not true about it being illegal to touch yourself, is it?

Raggedy said...

hahahahaha!
Thanks for the laughs.
Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=':'=) hugs
(")_ (")Š from
the Cool Raggedy one

Anonymous said...

That just cracked me up!!!

The diaper thing, classic!!!

Though, I don't ski but my favorite wine is from Canada so I think we should take them over. I only say that because they won't ship it to the US. What's up with that? LOL :)

Anonymous said...

I like your new blog, looks more modern.

Anonymous said...

Musical diapers are too expensive for disposables, but there is a musical wetness sensor you can stick in there. I doubt they sell much, becasuse it doesn’t take long for a mother to learn that babies just need changing every time you check them.

Anonymous said...

I saw the gap band perform in college. That was interesting.

I just made a straw out of cheerios and sucked all my milk through it, then ate the cheerios. It was the high point of my day.

Anonymous said...

"just breathe through the hole.."

Brilliant, man.

Anonymous said...

If you invade us, you get Quebec too - just remember that

Anonymous said...

Now let's see... if you have a war with Australia.. and you happen to win (we are very bloody competitive down here) what are the spoils.... a really big rock... lots of coral... heaps of crocodiles, snakes and spiders that want to bite you.... hmmm hardly seems worth it... Oh wait on though, somewhere warm to go for the winter.... Yea!!!

Anonymous said...

I'm in favor of pat and dry instead of hold and shake.

I mean really, patting the penis dry is gotta be more effective that pointing and shaking that thing around.

It's worth a try anyway.

NWJR said...

Free chips...hmmmm....

PentaMadre said...

This reminds me of Cheesecake factory. I love their dark bread, and I don't like anything else. I was thinking of doing this very same thing, except every time I think about it, I get so embarrassed I'm never going to be able to do it for real.

I'd like to try though just to see the waiter's face when I leave. LOL.

Anonymous said...

After we invade Canada, can we invade Australia? It would be cool to have all those great dive spots under one U.S. roof.

Heidi the Hick said...

Okay, here's the reality of invading Canada:

You come up here with all your little guns and your little tanks, and we're all like, "Hey, big Bro! C'mon up for some coffee, eh? We got the cups all like, lined with liquid nicotine and stuff eh? Once you're aboot all cranked up on the Tim's we get out the Unibroue eh? Them Quebeckers sure know how to make the strong beer, not like your horse piss! Oh hey, you all need some toques and mittens eh, cuz it won't be spring til April."

At which point all the Americans look all puzzled, shrug, and give up, because learning the language just is not worth the invasion.

Have a nice day eh!!!!

Anonymous said...

Bingo Gringo...

It made me laugh...

Fairly loudly...

I'm not 100% sure why. ;)

Steve~

Anonymous said...

Personally I think we need to go to war with Mexico for their tequila and India for their food. Also, I like those eclair things so France needs a bit of what-for.

Anonymous said...

What about if you are choking on a Honey Comb?

And...

Canadians haven't been allowed to touch themselves for years. At least, so goes the rumor.

Anonymous said...

Now I'm stuck on that gd Gap song. Damn you.

Anonymous said...

"Bingo gringo" got me too.

I touch myself all the time.

Anonymous said...

"Put them boys on rock rock"
Maybe she's talking about crack

Scottsdale Girl said...

You gotta know that some baby's butt somewhere would get zapped or something and then, THEN! horrific lawsuit. Also, how many already insanefromnosleep parents do we want wandering around singing that song all the time? None, thankyou.

Anonymous said...

Ooooo! I can't stand that Fergie chick. She bugs. Majorly.

Anonymous said...

Fergie's a MAN babbeeeee.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

ACK!!! Whenever I hear her "Fergalicious" song, it stays in my head for HOURS!!! Great! JUST GREAT!

Anyone want to volunteer to give me the ol' chinese water torture??? Please?? PLEASE???? Or maybe shove a #2 pencil into my eardrum???

Anonymous said...

I've have first had knowledge of breathing 'through the hole'. On many men in fact. I never understood why using my mouth to 'resuscitate' gave them such a raging case of rigor mortis in their lower extremities.
Medical wonders huh?
kb

Bug said...

LMAO! Dude I don't even know which part of this post is the funniest...good stuff!

Anonymous said...

LMAO Dude where do oyu come up with this crap????