1/02/2007

Cold Mountain

The three mountain climbers who recently succumbed to winter's wrath on Mt. Hood have me contemplating extreme winter sports. At first, I thought the climbers were mental. But I learned on the news that many outdoor enthusiasts believe inhospitable winters and occasional blizzards enhance the thrill of climbing, hiking, snow-shoeing, etc. Unless you're a Wookie, I can't imagine how this is so. But it is. Evidently, inclement weather does indeed attract a contingent of outdoor hobbyists.

Here's what I don't understand: these same hobbyists equip themselves with whatever high-tech gear defeats the rigors of winter. They seal themselves in Gortex snowsuits, bask in portable heaters and tinker with GPS systems as they “brave” the frozen landscapes. Why do all that? Why seek extreme cold only to (hopefully) defeat it with extreme gear? That's like eating a laxative and some Pepto Bismol at the same time and then bragging about how regular your bowels are. After all, the sport is in besting the cold, surviving the game, cheating death. You don't need a far-removed winter wasteland to do that. Instead, why not seek milder weather and set out with second-rate gear and clothing? Less cold, less Eddie Bauer, less Sharper Image. Same effect. And should you be unequal to the challenge, you won't become a Human Pudding Pop.

For example, instead of climbing Mt. Hood, try the Matterhorn – not the real one in Switzerland, but the replica in Disneyland. Don't knock the idea. Here's a true story: my wife watched a man plummet to his death from the top of the Matterhorn back in the 1970s. Everybody who saw him die received a coupon for a complimentary breakfast at the Hungry Bear Restaurant. Anyway, when you're climbing the Matterhorn, instead of Gortex, wear a pair of holey mittens and a Bon Jovi tee shirt. You'll freeze. But you'll survive long enough to brag about it to the security officers with the Donald Duck Nightsticks and Pluto Tazer Guns.

Here's another idea. Spend some time in the Bay Area in khakis, a fitted tee and an Old Navy pull-over. You'll freeze your ass off. That weather would force a homophobic pipe-fitter into a bathhouse just so he could warm his fingers in Sergio's buttcrack. By the way, there's nothing gay about cuddling for warmth in desperate situations. Cold weather has coaxed more straight men to embrace then the showers at Leavenworth.

Here's another idea. Don a Speedo and jump in the icy ocean like the Swedes do, or the Norwegians, or the Wisconsinites or whoever does that ritual where they jump in the cold lake in the middle of winter. Now there's a way to prove your manhood: dunking your balls in ice water and wading about. My sack would cinch up like a Shrinky Dink. I don't even want to think about those freaks in Wisconsin. Thirty seconds in a frozen pond and my beanbag would have more wrinkles than Robert Redford's profile. Hey, that gives me a great idea. You could name your pecker “Butch Cassidy.” Then you could name your ballsack “The Sundance Kid.” Anyway, I wonder if they make Gortex jockstraps for the Wisconsinite freakos.

The point is, if you indulge your urge to brave the wintertime elements, leave yourself an out.

42 comments:

poopie said...

No shit man. I never have understood the thrill. I reckon it's a "just because it's there" sort of thing.

Happy 2007 LBB!

Memphis Steve said...

Right on the money, man. Where's the challenge in climbing through the snow in Gortex? Just run naked through Disneyland on Gay Day. It's more dangerous and when it's over you can catch a bus to your car instead of frantically radioing for a helicopter to come rescue you before your sensitive bits turn to ice.

Anonymous said...

doesn't make much sense to me either. and I have a hard time feeling bad when people die due to circumstances that they stupidly, and purposely, put themselves into.

happy new year, bugs!

Anonymous said...

Cold sucks. When I lived near the mountians my eyes would freeze shut on the way to school. I didn't have any frigging gortex. People who go out in that shit should stick to building snowmen and shoveling the driveway.

pudding pop lol I can just see Bill cosby saying that about those poor climbers.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

"That weather would force a homophobic pipe-fitter into a bathhouse just so he could warm his fingers in Sergio's buttcrack."

Thanks ever so much for THAT mental image...now I have nightmare material for when I go to sleep tonight.

;)

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

P.S. - I HATE cold weather too...which is why I live smack dab in the middle of the penis of America. ;)

NWJR said...

"Thirty seconds in a frozen pond and my beanbag would have more wrinkles than Robert Redford's profile."

That's some funny stuff right there...

Anonymous said...

For me it is walking three blocks to the Kindergarten in 30 degree weather...and I wear my snowboots and Gortex and I still wonder if I shouldn't just heat up the car and drive.

My sister was married for many years to a man who was/is a topnotch climber and has headed up some major outdoor outfitters in the Pac. Northwest.. He would go on these crazy winter climbs and she wouldn't sleep the entire time, waiting for him to come back. She is remarried now to a guy who mainly does summer climbing and she goes with him.

Anonymous said...

I don't get a lot of things about a lot of guys.

Anonymous said...

I think they have "an out" LBB... they're out of their freakin' minds.

mist1 said...

Am I the only one that giggles upon reading "Mt. Hood?"

That's funny, right?

A frigid Mt. Hood is even funnier, isn't it?

Maybe it's just me.

gael_cee said...

I' got an Arctic wasteland in front of what used to be my driveway. Drag.
Hilarious post. Thanks

mist1 said...

I've nominated you for a bloggie award.

http://2007.bloggies.com/

Raggedy said...

Awesome post!!!!
I am still laughing.....
You have such a way with words.
They have a club here that does that ice dippy thing. It is called the polar bear club...lol They have to drill a whole in the ice before they can even jump in....it is crazy! Kinda fun to watch though...tee hee

I have missed you!
Extra hugs

Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=':'=) hugs
(")_ (")Š from
the Cool Raggedy one

Anonymous said...

I am seriously crying over the Matterhorn coupon thing. "Hey, sorry you just watched a man plummet to his death. Have some bacon and eggs, on us!"


Happy New Year LBB!!!!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the laughs! Have a great new year and keep writing stuff like this!

Anonymous said...

And why did this happen this year? Seems like 2006 was the year to kill yourself by turning your arteries into freezer pops.
kb

Anonymous said...

never heard a comparison of winter enthusaists vs bowl movements. Well done, best analogy yet !

Softball Slut said...

I have never understood the need to do something death defying. I drive my truck to work everyday. Not getting killed by crazy drivers is enough reckless for me.

Anonymous said...

I'm a summer girl. I lived in Breckenridge, CO for a short time and when my pipes froze IN AUGUST, I knew that I would never survive a winter there. I moved home shortly afterwards.

Anonymous said...

Your wife should have been happy with that coupon. It was probably worth $150.00 or so. The prices at those places in Disney are deadly.

Ah! Hahaha! I made a funny.

Yes, I know it wasn't a good one.

Anonymous said...

Well, as someone who is with someone who loves to climb mountains, I understand part of it. But I totally laughed and totally know what you're saying about people wanting it to be more challenging by doing it in the crazy weather. My man climbs/hikes when the weather is acceptable. No blizzards, no snow storms. Yes, it's cold and there's snow but that alone is challenge enough.

I might brave the cold one of these years and join him on Rainier, but until then, I'll try Disneyland. ;)

Miss Cellania said...

The only time I was in the Bay Area was on July 4th weekend, and I almost froze to death! Give me a fire and a hot cocoa!

Oh great One said...

"Thirty seconds in a frozen pond and my beanbag would have more wrinkles than Robert Redford's profile." That made images of raisins pop into my head!

Anonymous said...

Up here they climb frozen waterfalls. Not really my cup o'tea. I'm not daring enough to tempt 30 tons of ice to fall on my head.

Anonymous said...

I picture you in your Speedo atop the Matterhorn singing "The hills are alive with the sound of music" and people clamoring to get their free food coupons below. The ball sack image...not so much. That area is not pleasant to begin with.

I need more caffeine obviously.

It's Me, Maven... said...

Hell, it doesn't even have to be wintertime for folks to be affected by the wild, anyone remember Timothy Treadwell?.

To be a nature nut or an adrenaline junkie should not mean one should suspend logical thought. Additionally, whenever it comes to "Man versus The Wild," THE WILD always wins. Case in point, Steve Irwin. Hell, it wasn't even a croc that got him! Talk about irony!

Anonymous said...

Yeah, and you could practice batting against a knuckle ball by swatting snow flakes in your gym clothes out in the south forty.

Anonymous said...

I'd love to see snow one of these days

Anonymous said...

Another thing, I think a couple of those guys were from Dallas, where it MIGHT snow 1/4 inch a couple times a year. Sure, it's sad, but damn, if you're from Texas, maybe you don't have the chops for blizzardy mountain climbing. Maybe you should go out for bullriding instead. I dunno.

Anonymous said...

Dude, It's all about the gear. Well, it's also about the adrenaline rush. You use the gear to deal with the elements, but it's all about the gear. Toys for big boys. One of the best canoe trips I ever went on was a three day drizzle. Awesome time. spring in the Ozarks, good water level, turning over in a rapid in the cold water and having to build a fire to keep from freezing to death. Camaraderie. Awesome time. Seriously. One of my fondest memories.

As far as the Bay Area goes... so long as yer pitching, yer strait, right?

Elaine said...

Agreed agreed! Its just like those hunters who shoot animals from 500 billion yards away with super sonic scopes. Wow, you don't even give the animal a chance to use his sense. that's like an alien shooting us from space and then bragging about how he "snuck up" on us.
Monks kick those climbers asses anyday by the way. They've stayed overnight at the Himalayas with only robes on and their body temprature actually went UP.

Anonymous said...

OMG~ you've been nominated for a bloggie!

Anonymous said...

I think fathairybastard likes you.

Anonymous said...

Extreme anything has always baffled me so it goes without saying that extreme sports are just a lethal combination in my book. The extreme winter sport that has always perplexed me the most though are those crazy ass "polar bear clubbers" who take the plunge. There's experience and then there's insanity. It's a fine line, but I think you just crossed it.:)

Dave Morris said...

Fuck fuck FUCK the cold. I hate winter, i hate cold. I love to go skiing occasionally, but I'm a big Gortex ball with skiis.

Fuck the cold.

Anonymous said...

Funny...this reminds me of one of the neuro surg Dr. that I work with...he's an ass to say the very least..he came down to the ER and started barking orders to me...and I was like who are you...he said you do not know my name...I was like no!!!
He said my name is Jock...
and I said: Jockstrap?

Susan as herself said...

You have just given me an idea for a new invention: sherpa jockstraps.

Scottsdale Girl said...

Strange how I just watched that movie with Stallone about guys climing frozen shit and badguys and money...what's that movie?

Scottsdale Girl said...

CLIFFHANGER!

Anonymous said...

It's amazing what a free breakfast can erase from your memory.

Spinning Girl said...

You know what I think is insane? Strapping two long planks to your feet and throwing your ass down a mountain.

I'll just be over here by the fire, with my cocoa.