1/16/2007

Musings on Heavenly life

I'm living my life in a manner that maximizes my chances of getting to Heaven after I die, or after completing the terms of my purgatory obligations. I spend a lot of time wondering what Heaven is like. Speculating on Heavenly life is both fun and prudent. I hate surprises. I want to arrive at Heaven prepared. The last thing I want to do is stand out like a dipshit tourist. The French angels will mock me behind my back! Up yours, St. Pierre.

I'm confident Heaven is a beautiful place and that if offers residents peace and fulfillment in quantities unknown to earthly existence. But I'm skeptical that Heaven is a Utopia. It can't be perfection. Heavenly life cannot indulge every whim and desire. Remember, God is watching. Moreover, He's closer than ever! Certainly He has rules. Rather than Utopia, Heaven is much like a classy resort where you'll enjoy yourself as long as you adhere to the club rules. Should you trample on the rules, which exist for all the guests' enjoyment, the Manager (i.e., God) will need to have a word with you.

Heaven has its perks. For example, you can drink all the root beer you please and your teeth will never rot. God would gladly allow sugarless root beer to taste as good as the real stuff. But surely you're not bedding down with 72 virgins. I'm not a Biblical scholar, yet I'm confident God would put the kibosh on orgies. You'd have to marry those virgins before you consummated the unions, and then you've got a whole new dilemma on account of the multiple wives. So forget about the virgins. You're pushing your luck just lusting for your favorite movie star up in heaven. And don't even think about self-gratification.

Also, you'll have to clean up after yourself in Heaven. My version of Heaven involves a lot of food. To wit, my Heaven serves barbecue ribs. In fact, let me assure the reader that Heaven is chock full of barbecue ribs - and not those "St. Louis Beef Ribs" that Tony Roma's tries to sell you for 17 bucks a plate (Tony Roma will burn in hell for that!). I mean baby back pork ribs. Anyway, when you're gnawing through the ribs, you can't just toss the bones to and fro like you're Ghangis Khan. You have to show some respect for your host. You have to clean up after yourself. Show some class. Wipe your hands and fingers clean and give the table a once-over. You'll be in luck because unlike here on earth, in Heaven there's an endless supply of wet-naps. That's one difference between Heaven and earth: endless supplies of wet-naps miracled right the fuck into your BBQ-soiled fingers. Imagine the convenience of endless, easily accessible wet-naps - especially if you do have sex with the 72 virgins.

What do you suppose lodging arrangements are like in Heaven? Do you get a dorm room? Is it like a YMCA? Let's say you get your own house. Is there an HOA? I hope so. I don't want to get to Heaven only to have to look at my neighbors' garbage cans and disabled automobiles in their yards.

Does Heaven have a dress code? I'm not sure. To many people, part of the Heavenly experience is being able to walk around naked, like Adam and Eve did. I doubt God would deny this request. I base my opinion on all those Renaissance paintings. Many of those models make Brittney Spears look humble by comparison. Oily, glistening body parts everywhere at the Louvre and the Sistine Chapel. Evidently, God has no problem with nakedness. I wouldn't test Him, however, by wearing a thong. You'd think it would be OK because it's more clothing than being naked. But God won't see it that way. This isn't Fredericks of Hollywood, you little Jezebel. It's Heaven. If you can't suppress the urge to place a triangle of fabric over your lady parts, find a fig leaf. Haven't you thumbed through a Renaissance art book? Tons of fig leaves, no thongs.

What I wonder most about is, can you get kicked out of Heaven once you're in? Does Heaven have bouncers? Or, once St. Peter waves you through the gate, are you set for eternity? Is there tenure in Heaven? Can you loaf around like a tenured college professor and write a manifesto on how your country sucks, without fear of losing the gig? I need to know this before it's too late, because if I get to Heaven (and the chances are plummeting even as I write this) I'm planning on partying like Lindsey Lohan on a binge. I'm a faithful servant here on earth, but my Heavenly bachelor pad will have a stocked bar, a kickin' stereo, a dish of coke on the coffee table and a faucet with hot and cold running cheerleaders. Wet nap, please.

I'd like to believe that once you're in Heaven, you're in for good. But I doubt that's the way it works. God watches us our entire lives to judge whether we're eligible for heaven. He can't let just anybody hang around or heavenly real estate prices will plummet; that is, people won't work as hard to get it. If you think about it, your life here on earth is basically just one big credit check. To continue this analogy, I hope that Heaven is like taking a mortgage on your home: once you get the loan, the bank can't mess with you as long as you come up with the payments, regardless of how badly you ding your credit afterward. If that's the case, then you can party your angelic ass off in Heaven without fear of consequence.

But God just isn't the banker, He's the landLord. He can evict you. I just hope God gives notice before pulling that Golden Lever Hell Chute. I know myself. I'll probably screw a few thing up at first and give offense to other Heavenly residents. I don't want to be condemned to hell for a faux pas. Maybe when you first get to Heaven they give you a pamphlet with all the rules and guidelines. I'd feel more comfortable after reviewing a pamphlet. God knows I haven't read the Bible as thoroughly as I should. The Pamphlet could be like the Cliff's Notes for the Bible, plus a few bullet marked rules for life in Heaven. Benjamin Franklin lives in Heaven. Maybe he can whip something up and kick out a few million Pamphlets for newcomers. Poor Richard's Heavenly Almanac.

I hope there's a bar in Heaven. The Heavenly Bar... never a cover charge. Here's a great name for a bar in Heaven: Cloud Nine. All I know is, after a few "John Paul Mai Tais" I'll turn into a real jerk - picking fights with the other angels, dropping f-bombs, taking a whiz on the furniture, that whole scene. That reminds me, I don't care what the Pamphlet ordains. I'm not giving up swearing. I won't take the Lord's name in vain. That goes without saying. But angels and deities within earshot had better miracle some earplugs and pop them in if they take offense to vulgar slang. I insist on the right to curse in Heaven. That's a deal-breaker, St. Peter.

As you can see, I take my musings on Heaven very seriously. I aim to arrive prepared for the lifestyle change. No culture shock here. As I refine my Heavenly musings, I'll of course publish them to this blog so that my readers might benefit as well. I may even publish that Pamphlet I told you about. Up yours, Ben Franklin.

45 comments:

Anonymous said...

You know, it is all about sucking up to the right people. Make friends with the bouncers and other important people when you get there, and you're good to go. At least, that's always my theory.

(You know, now that I think about it, that sounds a little bit like a theory for surviving in prison, too... Hmmm... Coincidence?)

Susan as herself said...

I believe that tipping pays off in heaven. Just make sure that when you die, your pockets are jammed with 20s. Or 50s. Folks who work in heaven aren't easily bought. After all, they already work in HEAVEN.

Memphis Steve said...

Apparently the guy before me thinks you ain't gonna make it, so he's trying to sell you some insurance. Bastard!

Anyway, all I want to know is, will we still fart in Heaven?

Anonymous said...

Maybe they'll let me live in heaven's suburbs where the rules aren't so cut an dried and I can have a couple of cars on blocks if I want to.

Scottsdale Girl said...

SO if I get drunk at Cloud Nine it's ok to take off my shirt and dance with my hands above my head right? Due to the naked clause?

Becky said...

What upsets me, are the born agains or anyone who really thinks that they are definitely going to heaven and they also divinely know whether or not we're going to hell.

Fact is no one knows, only God knows. I hope I make it, and if I do I'll put in a good word for you! 8-)

Anonymous said...

Don't fret about looking like a n00b when you first get to heaven. No one who arrives there has any idea what to expect!

Anonymous said...

What happens if you smear the 72 virgins with the ribs?
It's Ben Franklin's b/day here in Aus,he might fax you some tips :P

Anonymous said...

Heaven surely is the place to go LBB, it doesn't matter how often those 72 virgins get screwed they still remain virgins... way to go.
In "Cloud Nine" they could have a BIG swear box, with the contents used to put on a big Christmas show, I'm guessin' that Christmas will be BIG in heaven.
It's good to see you have put some thought into this,unlike those stupid bombers who just can't get past the 72 (self healing) virgins.

Anonymous said...

Mmmm, smearing virgins sounds cool, but I've often wondered, what the hell would you want with all those clueless chicks. Trade my 72 virgins for two or three pros who know a thing or two. Dig it folks, there ain't no heaven or hell. It's all a social construct. This is as good as it gets. you're on your own. Hell is living in a shit hole like Iraq, or any number of other spots that don't make the news. Heaven is two or three pros smeared with BBQ sauce, till after, when you have to talk to them and they wanna get paid. nothing good lasts.

Anonymous said...

You crack me up. I'm sure God has some bullet-ins on you in his book!

Random Musings Of My Life said...

And now you know when you get there, they are going to point to you as "that" guy who wrote "that" thing about heaven.. and it will be all that you dreamed....

Anonymous said...

Dude, you switched over to the dark side, or somethin'. Like it.

Heidi the Hick said...

Gah! Wha happen!!!! It's all....it's all.... tiny font....oh my eyes....I have to hit two buttons to make a comment....ahhhhhhhhh! I'm in hell!!!!!

Ok it's not that bad.

Lightning Bug's Butt, you are a philosopher. See ya on the other side.

Raggedy said...

Great post!
I thought I was in the wrong place at first. I like the new look.

Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=':'=) hugs
(")_ (")Š from
the Cool Raggedy one

CruiserMel said...

Wow - great post. I've lurked a little here, but never commented, I think.

Here's my 2 cents: what if it really and truly IS like your post? Would you get there and be like, "whoa, I was right"!!!!??? Creepy.

NWJR said...

I wouldn't push my luck by calling Mother Theresa a douchebag. I think you'll get kicked out for that.

tornwordo said...

Would your vulgar slang include cunt? I'd watch that around mary.

Anonymous said...

Love the new look and it was great post, but I think you plagiarized the part about Heaven being a beautiful place and that if offers residents peace and fulfillment in quantities unknown to earthly existence. I'm pretty sure that came from the brochure for our local psych ward.

Anonymous said...

In answer to the question about the Landlord's approach to inappropriate behaviors, click here for the answer.

Anonymous said...

Click quickly because tomorro the answer will change.

Anonymous said...

The thought of anything for eternity has always scared the hell outta me. When I channel surf and catch all the "holy" folk who are sure they're going to heaven, I get the urge to at least see the alternative - those folks scare me. Seriously - scare me.

mist1 said...

I got an email from Airtran today. One way flights start at $29. I think they were talking about Heaven.

Anonymous said...

Cloud Nine...i love it!

although I have a feeling that when I pass on I'll be visiting bars with names like "The Devil's Pitchfork" and "Hot In Here".

Anonymous said...

I always tell myself that for every person that I let cut in front of me when I'm stuck in a traffic jam that's just another step to heaven.

Anonymous said...

I think you just described hell for some people. Hope you get to pick your neighbors. See you at Cloud Nine.

Purring said...

I sure as hell hope there are rules. For instance: Put a towel down before you sit your naked-as-the-day-you-were-born-ass down!! That's a good one. I don't want to be sitting in someone else's clitty litter or dingle berries. Nasty.

Anonymous said...

First, like the new look.

Second? No orgies of ANY kind in heaven? How about a Brangelina Sandwich? Slathered in chocolate? with cherries?
ok ok.. I stepped over the line with that cherries bit, but the rest HAS to be ok in Heaven right?

Anonymous said...

I picture to be a place where pizza is healthy, casual and open nudity is not only accepted but encouraged and when there's time for TV, there are no reality shows anywhere on the dial.

Anonymous said...

What have you got on the age of nubility? You peg that at 15, or what?

Anonymous said...

it's like starting over in a new town, kind of. But maybe with more perks, like the rootbeer theory

amandarama said...

Belinda Carlise was quite insistent that "heaven is a place on Earth". How can I not trust and ex Go-Go?

Anonymous said...

Great read!

My concern is are we gonna have a desire to do something "bad" once we are there. Kind of like naughty terrets(Sp?). You know, like when you were little in church and you got the giggles. You knew good and well your mama was gonna give you a hard pinch in the side if you didn't hush in yet, sadly that made it even funnier. You end up bruised and to the brink of wetting yourself right there on the pew? That hasn't ever happened to you? Oh, right...me neither.

Anonymous said...

Spiffy digs. Cool Bug too. I'd thought about drawing you a bug long ago but didn't think you were concerned with esthetics.

If there's no orgies in Heaven, I'd rather hell assuming the orgy people there have over taken the place.
For me Heave would be being a ghost stalking Hayden Panettire (the cheerleader from Heroes) or stalking that sexy Russian tennis player Maria Sharapova.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Soooo, no hangovers in heaven, right???

I am SO there! ;)

(Love the new digs you got yourself, LBB....very cool!) :)

Chick said...

I knew it! No masturbation in Heaven...damn...the nuns always said you'd go to Hell for doing that...I'm sorry to hear that these sexless women were right...damn.

Video X said...

What happened? Why must you change one of the consistent things in my life? I hate change! Didn't you know that!

Just kidding...it looks very nice here!

Oh great One said...

Your template is all different. Did you go to the "NEW BLOGGER"?

I just hope I don't have to worry about exercising in heaven. That would rock!

Anonymous said...

See, I've thought about this a lot too and here's what I've come up with: When you die you don't have a body anymore. So in heaven there can't be any sex, eating, drinking or anything like that because you need a body to it all with. So it's pretty much just being a floating ball of energy and intelligence in a pretty place with nothing to do. Hell is the same except they torment you, a lot. How exactly a ball of enegy is tormented I don't know, but it's not nice. So I figure, while I have a body, I'm going to enjoy it for as long as I can. After that, I pray for reincarnation.

Excellent post.

Anonymous said...

I know I tell you all the time that we're a lot alike but I spend a lot of time thinking about Heaven and that vision is my exact idea of Heaven too. I see it like a resort and not some quiet Utopia and you better be damn sure there are going to be ribs and coleslaw and crab claws the size of my head there. And like you can push the boundaries a bit but you can't be blatant about it, like sex in your room or in a hidden stairwell is okay but don't go organizing an orgy on the beach, that's just pushing it.

Anonymous said...

*the preacher's wife refrains from commenting as she is in shock and mumbling incoherently*

Spinning Girl said...

I'm just hoping to be one of the 42 Virgins.

Spinning Girl said...

What? 72?!?!?

That's too much competition.

Anonymous said...

The Prophet Bug's Butt hath spoken.

KB said...

I understand your urge to be prepared when you reach Heaven.

No one wants to be surprised when traveling out of the country.

I checked at Barnes & Noble... unfortunately Frommer's is lacking the Heaven travel guide.

Sorry--we're just going to have to "wing" it.