2/08/2007

Bullet-ins

  • The politically correct term for a prostitute is "sex worker." Yeah, they're calling prostitutes "sex workers" now. Does that make a pimp a "sex broker?" If the prostitute just gives handjobs, is she a "manual laborer?"
  • I'm not sure what my favorite word is, but swashbuckling is definitely in the top 10.
  • Whenever another person and I have a conflict, I like to take a few deep breaths, relax, drink a 40 oz malt liquor, and contemplate whether I'm going to meet him in the parking lot with a deadly weapon or whether I'll just pay someone else to cause him pain.
  • Smart is sexy. But witty can still get you a blowjob if you play it right.
  • Life offers many metaphysical threats to my sense of competence. The one presently coming to mind is the Ziplock Baggie. People, I have a confession to make. I'm 35 years old and still can't figure out how to operate a Ziplock Baggie. I always wind up with some half-way, kind-of-stuck together situation that I think is closed until I lift the bag and it spreads open. After I fumble with the bag a few more times and fail, I roll and wad the opening up and hope for the best as I place the Trophy of My Ineptitude in the fridge. Some people can dismiss a foible like this, but I don't have that kind of brain. I tend to obsess. I'll ask myself, If I can't handle a Ziplock fuckin' Baggie, what the hell can I do?
  • I dined at an In-and-Out Burger recently. I was surprised to learn they had booths. Furthermore, I was welcome to stay and enjoy the ambiance as long as I pleased. Regarding the peculiar name of this fine establishment, how fortunate they don't sell wieners.
  • So I guess chest hair is no longer sexy. Can somebody please call Kip Winger and give him the bad news?
  • You're not an addict until you're a jerk. That's the precise definition of "addict." It's a more palatable word for jerk. You can drink as much as a Kennedy; you're not addicted to alcohol until you start beating your family members, terrorizing your neighbors and disturbing the peace at local bars and sporting events. Then you're a jerk, so everybody tells you you're addicted to alcohol. Same with gambling. Until he starts hitting you up for money, gambling is just his "hobby." But once he starts asking to borrow money, it's suddenly "Hey, I think you've got a problem, man." Until brawlers in jogging suits show up at your work and kick the crap out of you, you're not addicted to gambling. You're just a "sports fan."
  • You know who I hate? Those motorcycle enthusiasts who tweak their bikes until they're as loud as Cindy Sheehan in a bear trap. You know what I'm talking about - those motorcycles that are as loud as jet engines. Even from a football field's distance, you can still feel the rumble in your chest. Every time one of those Harley Davidson closet homos rips by and jolts me from my state of tranquility, I exalt the knowledge that I'm only a pothole or an oil slick away from justice; namely, the rider getting a face full of asphalt. Put the muffler back on that thing, jerkoff. And it's ironic. I can't throw a gum wrapper out my car window without incurring $500 fines and possible jail time, but these motorcycle fucks can pollute thousands of square miles with their vroom vroom bullshit with impunity.
  • The auto mechanic always wants to "show you something." That's their sales pitch. You bring your car in for reasonably priced maintenance, and after they've had a look under the hood, they come back and ask, "Hey, can I show you something?" I always respond with "It's not a rash on your penis, is it? Just stop masturbating with Lava hand soap. Now go rotate my tires."
  • That Evanescence girl remorsefully sings "You never call me when you're sober." In this guy's defense, she's probably not nearly as attractive to him when he's sober. She should be buying him shots, not whining about his sobriety.

47 comments:

Hammer said...

That all makes perfect sense to me.

The harley f**ks have invaded my nice quiet neighborhood. With their Vroom Vroom bullshit. I'm going to spread some butter flavored crisco so the asphalt tastes better.

Heidi the Hick said...

You know, I would call Kip Winger, but I am not 17 anymore. He wouldn't like me nearly as much as he would have 19 years ago. So, sorry.

But SWASHBUCKLING. that's good stuff. That will never go out of style. Not only do I love the word swashbuckling but I also love the words SWASHING and BUCKLING very much.

Heidi the Hick said...

Yeah, and what the heck is goin on with your blog? It looks kinda...different...

Scottsdale Girl said...

:0

My heart is breaking as you diss the Harley riders.

Carrie said...

"those Harley Davidson closet homos"

Now I know why Johnny and I didn't work out. LOL

You said weiners! haha

You are sooo funny!

And don't be picking on Kip.

Queen of Dysfunction said...

So since I'm a stay-at-home mom, am I now considered a sex worker with a long-term contract?

I need answers to these questions.

NWJR said...

"Just stop masturbating with Lava hand soap."

Yeah, but those callouses do wonders for your stamina.

mist1 said...

Motorcycle enthusiasts put me through college. I worked for the loudest bike company in the country.

Loud pipes save lives!

Amandarama said...

Excellent. So I'm not technically an addict. Yet.

Jeannie said...

I don't like any loud vehicles anytime.
Did you buy no-name baggies? cuz they suck. If the real thing has you stymied then switch to those zipper bags. They probably cost too much but you don't have to spend 3 years trying to get it to seal.

Heidi the Hick said...

You know, now that I think about it, I don't recall Kip Winger's hairy chest at all. Had to bring it up, didn't ya?

But I still say that man had pretty eyes.

Also being Canadian I had no idea a couple of years ago what the heck somebody in a book was talking about when they described being hungry and zipping out of the house, only to come home wiping In-and-Out off his chin.

I mean, Canadian AND dirty minded...

Peter said...

I would seek help for that ziplock thing LBB, I have a 3 YO neighbor who can manage them perfectly for his play lunch.

CruiserMel said...

Isn't Lava soap an exfolliant?

Bennet said...

Very funny.

Sure, hairy chest may not be sexy , but neither is stinging your partner's breasts with hairy stubs from failed hair removal attempts.

Shoshana said...

Too much chest hair reminds me of monkeys...and as cute as they are, they're never on my boink list.

Mechanics...why do they have the need to screw you over just when you think you can trust them? Suddenly, a pair of brake pads is costing a thousand dollars.

I'd rather change it myself, if I know that is.

I blame it all on the school system. They're so busy teaching kids how to find x when 2 dogs in the ocean weigh the same and one swallowed a gallon of water, what is the rotation of the earth-crap they forgot the teach the children anything useful like balancing checkbook, changing tires and replacing brake pad.

How smart is that for a car-driving-oriented country?

I better stop and go to sleep now.

Shoshana said...

Queen of Dysfunction, I think that's only true if you're getting paid. So, what do you call stay-at-home Mom who does all of the above, but isn't paid?

Flea's Thoughts said...

Thank goodness I was not drinking anything while reading this or liquid would have came out of my nose!!!

And you are right: smart is sexy....witty can get you places but it takes more work :)

itsme84066 said...

On the ziplock thing, they make them with handles, they always work.
they worked for me!
good day to you

Violet said...

I have to agree that most pirate words are excellent... "Swashbuckling," "Avast," and (although not a single word) "Yo-ho-ho and a bottle o' rum!"

But, two of my favorite words are "cogitate" and "defenestrate."

Christina_the_wench said...

I'd still do Kip, chest hair or no.

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Shoshana, So, what do you call stay-at-home Mom who does all of the above, but isn't paid?

I have no idea. Is that me? Does payment in the form of Slim Jims count?

tornwordo said...

I can't do baggies, so I just use plastic wrap for EVERYTHING. Can't mess that up, just fold. And lol at wieners.

Webmiztris said...

oh, come one...Amy Lee's a hottie, sober or not. ;)

manual laborer....lmfao!!

Elaine said...

I'm completely with you on the harley's bit. It takes all my might not to open my car door when I look in the rear view mirron and see one of those wanna be rebel accountants on their loud ass harleys coming up in between the lanes.

Blech. I suddenly feel like I have a chest hair in my mouth.

Damn that Kip Winger.

Riss said...

I love swashbuckling too.

And HAHAHA on the "You never call me when you're sober" that is exactly right!

Mo said...

Who in the hell is Kip Winger? Is that a 35 year-old thing? ;o)

Memphis Steve said...

"motorcycle enthusiasts who tweak their bikes until they're as loud as Cindy Sheehan in a bear trap"

That's some funny shit!

Actually it was all funny, but somehow I feel compelled to specifically point to one part of it and say "that was EXTRA funny." I guess it's to prove that I read the whole thing maybe? That's what everyone does with my FYF posts because they're so damned long and drawn out that people want to make me believe they actually read the whole thing. That is, the few who come by on Fridays anymore. But that's another story and I should save it for my own blog.

By the way, I think you're right about the Evanescence girl.

Carrie said...

You crack me up. :P

Beth said...

guys are so obsessed with their penises and blow jobs....why is that? Are they really THAT great?

I hate mechanics too.....

Peter said...

Hi there, I’ve been relying on using Bloglines to do my daily rounds of the blogroll for a while now, it’s a very time saving method but it feels a bit impersonal at times, so it’s a hot Saturday, I’m gonna sit here and visit with everyone, It won’t feel any different to you but know that I chose to visit today instead of just answering an electronic reminder.
Have a good day.
You are among the lucky?? ones to receive two comments on a single post.

ARM said...

Hey! Your place looks different.

Snooze said...

I like your point between addict and jerk. I'd say that's very accurate.

Raggedy said...

Excellent post!
I thouroughly enjoyed every line of it.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
By the bags that with the zipper that should solve your problem.

Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=':'=) hugs
(")_ (")Š from
the Cool Raggedy one

Damsel Underdressed said...

"Smart is sexy. But witty can still get you a blowjob if you play it right."

You don't know how right you are...wit is very sexy.

And speaking of sexy, I like a "sprinkle" of chest hair but Kip has a forest...yuck! Hope he has a whole hell of a lot of wit to make up for that fur!

Ari said...

Yeah, I've had the "I wanna show you something" trick pulled before by auto mechanics, but not for about 20 years. I guess I look old and pissy now. In fact, sometimes I wish somebody WOULD show me something. ;)

Stepping Over the Junk said...

I have nothing to say because I am stuck dreaming of In n out burger, which we dont have here where I live. (yet indulge in when I go home to Southern Cal)

Edgy Mama said...

So if the only give bjs, does that make them oral assistants?

jules said...

Smart is sexy. But witty can still get you a blowjob if you play it right. Truer words have never been spoken. I'll take a witty man every time.

Oh great One said...

Yep yep and YEP! My fave is the manual laborer!

Jenni said...

I'm guessing the name change from "Prostitute" to "Sex Worker" was more than likely a union thing. Big words like "Prostitue" and "Solicitation" can be confusing to people of "that profession."

Plus, it provides uniformity for when there filling out their W2's.

Dave Morris said...

Another post of great wisdom.

I have a friend who has one of those loud harleys, and after he bought it, he threw away the pipes and put the extra loud ones on. I bet his neighbors love it. (it's a nice bike, just loud)

Fathairybastard said...

"Cindy Sheehan in a bear trap"... Now there's an Idea. And as a fat hairy bastard, it's not news that many women prefer the look of a hairless boy. My self-esteem is uninjured.

On the wet work... the key term is Plausible Deniability. Enough said.

And there IS somethin' hilarious about a hog settin' off all the car alarms in the apartment complex, at 3AM. Hilarious.

randommoments said...

The place looks nice, an easier reading for this blind fool fan of yours.

I, too, am plagued with the inability to close a fucking ziplock. I heart Tupperware.

Chick said...

I like to pay other people to cause pain to the people who piss me off...it's just my style.

Lyvvie said...

Chest hair is sexy IT IS!! On men anyways.

Janet said...

I know it's gonna be a good day when Kip Winger is on the horizon.:)

I wrote you back to your original comment, but my emailed bounced back. So, I just posted the answer on my blog.

motorcycle-oil said...

Amsoil Motorcycle Oil 26 Different Motorcycle Oil tests. You compare. Serving the US and Canada.