2/19/2007

Even more Bullet-ins.

*We trust our local banks to balance our accounts accurate to the penny. But have you ever seen a bank sign with the correct time or temperature? My local bank sign read the temperature at 131 degrees last summer. What the hell? Did I accidentally drive to Death Valley? And the time on the bank's clock is usually closer to Bangkok, China, then my home town. It's not fair. If I overdraft a nickel my bank whacks me for a fee. I think every time their digital clock makes me late for work, I should be able to tap them for 30 bucks!

*My gas gage must have a logarithmic scale. I drive 200 miles before the needle dips below "F." I drive 100 more and it slips to half a tank, which can't be accurate. Then I drive 50 more miles, and the needle plunges below "E." This is more confusing than that nine-tenths thing at the gas pump. Also confusing: the cruise control. How does the car know how fast it's going? It doesn't even know how much goddamn gas is in the tank! And if it can control the speed, why can't it steer, too? That way I could get some sleep on my way to work.

*Remember the good ole days when Yoga was known as "stretching?" Plus, the people who stretched out weren't so flaky.

*I'm hooked on this video game called SOCOM 3. It's a giant, 3-D war simulator. It's a megaton of fun. Anyway, after getting my ass kicked sideways for 3 weeks straight, I flipped through the game's instruction booklet. I noticed they have a copy of instructions in French. That must mean there's a French version of the war game. I wonder where the SURRENDER button is on the Sony PlayStation. Seriously, try to say the phrase "French elite commando unit" without cracking a smile.

*Why does the catcher on a baseball team get his own special mitt? Aren't all the players "catchers?" They're all trying to catch the same ball, but they all have different mitts. There should only be one mitt: the one that best catches the freakin' ball. I know what you're saying right now: "LBB, the other guys aren't catchers. They're fielders." So then give them pitchforks and lawnmowers. Most of them are from Central America, anyway. Might as well have them tending the lawn while they're out there. Earn that green card, Pedro.

*People enjoy camping because the elements (fresh air, the night sky, campfires, serene waterfalls, hiking, etc) reconcile humans with their ancient ancestry. Camping is basically a biological nostalgia. We make contact with our lineage from 50,000 years ago. I don't like camping. It's too primitive. I prefer connecting with the past of 60 years ago. I hide the TV and computer. I find a good rocking chair, make a phone call from an antique, rotary phone, read a Mark Twain book, and live a puritan lifestyle for a day or two. Oh yeah, I also renew my hatred for Germans and gooks.

*Everybody hears about the atrocities in the American prison system. I know how we can fix them: free enterprise. Let the prisoners choose which prison to go to. Give them prison vouchers. Then the prisons would have to compete for business. Come to Pinal Country Prison, where the guard beatings are minimal and shower sex assaults are a thing of the past. Color-coded cells identify Black Panthers, Arian Nation Skin Heads, and embezzling tax accountants. Tattoo artist on duty. Sorry, no shanks allowed.

*You know all those barbwire tattoos you see? Usually they're around a guy's upper arm. I think these guys should be even more macho. Put the barbwire around your butt cheeks. Then, tattoo a "Keep Out" sign over your butt hole. Maybe a junkyard dog, too. Let the world see how non-gay you are, gayboy.

*Lots of movies feature a plot twist. To set the trap, the movie gets you to assume something in the beginning that isn't true later on, like the fact that the movie was worth $8.50 in the first place. Whoa, turns out this movie really sucks. Didn't see that twist coming, honey. Did you?

43 comments:

tornwordo said...

Catchers have a different mitt? I honestly didn't know that. Also, I roared at the word gooks. Wrong of me, I know.

Heidi the Hick said...

Seriously, what the heck is goin on with the look of this blog????

Peter said...

Good luck with the $30 fee from the Bank LBB.

Hammer said...

I need to try that getting back to the ancestry of sixty years ago. It sounds like fun to be able to openly hate people again without being sent to sensitivity training ;)

Matilda Jane said...

Well, first of all... catchers have a different mitt because they have balls coming at them at a hundred miles an hour... extra padding, big glove, and they don't have to run around with it. I'm sure you already thought of that, though, so I expect a witty comeback.

I think that banks have their own tempurature system.... fahrenheit, celcius, and bank.
.... and it makes me wonder what the bank-temp is in death valley...

Violet said...

First of all, Matilda Jane just said "they have balls coming at them at a hundred miles an hour." I'll I have to say is "Been there, done that," and I've never needed a special mitt.

Second of all, I like to go camping, but not in order to reconnect with ancient history. No, I like camping because there is always a LOT of BEER.

Scottsdale Girl said...

Ok the bank - once I deposited money and calculated wrong - not in my favor. It took 6 weeks for them to "investigate" and gimme my money back. The next time I calculated in my favor, it took 8 hours for them to correct that one. Fuckers.

Christina_the_wench said...

I'm of German descent. Is your camping trip over and is it safe to come out?

Lyvvie said...

Prison atrocities?!?! Such a bunch of bollocks. Prisoners here just got the right to vote! I thought the whole point of being in prison is to be excluded from society, but they have satellite TV, three squares a day, gym access and video games PLUS free education. Sounds like a frigging holiday camp.

Matilda Jane said...

Violet~
sounds like you have quite a social life!... like the catcher, though, you should always use protection.

Queen of Dysfunction said...

I wonder how macho barbed wire tattoos will be in say... fifty years. I'm looking forward to that day in assisted living when I get to play "guess the original design" on my celtic-banded, Chinese-symbol-adorned and barbed-wire-decorated roommates.

Raggedy said...

I thoroughly enjoyed your post.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.
The bank clocks here are fairly acurate.
TG I don't have to look at the gas guage. I have a ding and a message telling me to get gas. I got so used to it that when I drove another car for a short while I actually ran out of gas!

Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=':'=) hugs
(")_ (")Š from
the Cool Raggedy one

Melanie said...

giggles. barbed wire gay boy. you didn't see that sh*t on brokeback mountain did ya? :lol:

and i like the prison idea. :wink:

Shoshana said...

I am so with you on the movie thing.

Plus the fact that those are 100+ minutes you are never going to get back!

I did enjoy The Breach. That was good. I didn't fall asleep even once!

Jon said...

I picked up SOCOM 3 for cheap last week, but I've been putting off playing it because every time I played an earlier version, my girlfriend would inevitably walk in and keep asking "What?" while I barked orders at the stupid commandos who wouldn't follow my orders.

Then, I would just feel like a big nerd with a headset on.

Damsel Underdressed said...

"I don't like camping. It's too primitive."

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

Camping is stupid.

ARM said...

I about died at the barbed wire tattoo comment. Too fucking funny.

Fathairybastard said...

My dad got me an old time catchers mitt when I was a kid. It was like a thick pillow. You couldn't pinch it up to grip the ball. I had to use my other hand to actually trap the ball after it hit the mitt. Almost as if dad were trying to get me to suck at it so that I'd hate baseball.

So I grew up preferring pitching to catching. Maybe dad was trying a little reverse psychology. Worked.

Leesa said...

You have been nominated for the Battle of the Blogs. Sorry this sounds "canned" because, well, this is canned. I have received lots of entries. I will be working on the ballots that will probably come out next Tuesday (2/27), but this is what I would like from you:

1. First: do you want your blog to be entered?
2. If you could, could you send me a brief (one paragraph) description of your site for me to include with a link to your URL (blog name). I am taking the names from the top of the blogs. Oh, and use the bloggerbattle(at)gmail.com.

You can use the link above to visit the Battle of the Blogs if you have no idea what this is. And, relax, it just means you are loved.

Edgy Mama said...

I've actually gotten into fights with my kids because of the damn bank sign. They'd rather believe the sign than me. Even when the sign says it's 78 degrees, but it's actually 40!

Oh great One said...

I don't know how you do it but you never fail to amuse me!

Jay said...

Whoa, let's just stop all this intense thinking about stuff. It's not even noon!

The Kept Woman said...

"People enjoy camping..."

Who? Who thinks that being dirty and eaten by mosquitoes while eating burnt food is fun? Seriously.

Scottsdale Girl said...

TKW - it's the falling in the fire after too many Tequila shots, people farting in tents and the only acceptable time when you can have a beer before coffee.

I love camping

Nölff said...

Guys who have barbwire tattoos probably listen to Nickleback.

Webmiztris said...

I think those guys should wear real barbed wire around their arms. then we'll see how tough they are!

Amandarama said...

Guys who wear barbed wire tattoos probably also like to dress up like Pam Anderson in private too.

Just telling it like it is said...

Nothing wrong with a little outdoors time, a tent...beer..more beer..and fishing...more beer
sounds like fun to me

Bennet said...

Movies really do suck.

Best way to symbolize modern movies in a new comercial. Have a happy smiling mime pull out an invisible turd, then pretend to polish it.

Bennet said...

oh damm!..I meant for him to pull it out of his butt..messed it all up..oh well

Ari said...

You mean it really doesn't get up to 131 in AZ in the summer?

Jordan said...

"Most of them are from Central America, anyway. Might as well have them tending the lawn while they're out there. Earn that green card, Pedro."

thanks for making me inhale shredded wheat through my nose

Cameron said...

Bank thermometers invariably register too high because they're in the sun, and have metal casings.

That's my theory and I'm stickin' to it.

Stepping Over the Junk said...

the worst in the movie twist is when you think you outwitted the twist and figure it out...like each fleeting thought of what the twist is going to be, gets cancelled out because you think "No, they WOULDN'T do that, because that's predictable!" And then we generally get let down. Which is why I just stick to reality tv and Fox News Network.

Camping is just a change of scenery, that's all. When I am camping, I dreadfully miss a hot shower, coffee without grounds floating around in it and well, game shows. Especially when the Harley Ds come riding into the campground.

jali said...

I'm in love with that mind. Yes, during Black History Month I'm saying publicly that I'm in love with LBB's mind!

Am I wrong?

Riss said...

Socom rocks. And I did laugh out loud while saying "Elite French Commando Unit" but I kind of laugh every time I say the word commando. As in "Never go commando in another man's fatigues!"

Miss Cellania said...

Oh wow, that first one is spot-on. I'd better go balance my checkbook.

Memphis Steve said...

You can drive 350 miles on a tank of gas?! Holy crap, what do you drive, a riding mower?! Or a tanker truck?

KB said...

I can't wait to tell Mr. B he's a "gayboy."

Tee Hee.

:)

Becky said...

I love your lightning bug butt cartoon on the top right of your page!

Angie said...

"My gas gage must have a logarithmic scale."

I thought mine was the only one with that special feature! Personally, I think it links to a chip in your brain because the minute you don't have time to stop and fill up is the minute it will suddenly drop to E.

Rach said...

Laughed my ass off at the fuel gauge scenario. My truck does the same, half full to nothing within 5 miles of refilling the tank, then then next week playing russian roulette as it sits on empty.

Spinning Girl said...

The tattoos that scare me the most are the really cutesy ones, like of Bambi and Winnie the Pooh. I don't want to look at that shit while some chick is licking my boots.