2/26/2007

Whoa! Even more bullet-ins

*When people wish to learn the sex of a strange dog, the first thing they do is look at the genitals. Sickos! I first check the name tag. Usually you luck out and the dog has a gender-specific name, like Chet or Buster or Princess. I estimate that I've forgone looking at 5 to 10 less doggie dirty parts by having the foresight to check the name tag first.

*There are two kinds of political leaders: those who want to ban things, and those who want to promote things. Banning and promoting, always. As a rule, politicians aren't “don't-fix-it-if-it-ain't-broken” kind of people. They're too ambitious. They like to fix things, even if they have to break them first.

*If I could travel back in time, I'd pat the Japanese kamikaze pilots on their backs and tell them, “The bad news is, you lost the war anyway. The good news is, we named a drink after you.”

*Anybody who thinks we're not making progress wasn't around when there were no cell phones and no debit cards. Nowadays, as long as you have those two items, you can reach anybody and buy anything. Using both together, you can talk to an attractive, anonymous whore for $2.99 per minute. Progress.

*Some animals have two legs. Others have four. Some have six. Some even have eight. Then the next animal in the progression, the centipede, has like a hundred legs. What happen to all the even numbers between 10 and 98? Also, you'll notice that the less legs an animal has, the more sophisticated and evolved it is; e.g., bees are more complex than spiders. One can surmise that amputees are the highest evolved creatures on the planet. No wonder we're being overrun with handicapped parking.

*Everybody's heard the adage, “Don't go grocery shopping when you're hungry.” But many of us could profit from the lesser known maxim, “Don't go spouse shopping when you're horny.”

*One of my hobbies is singing the songs of gay musicians who wrote songs before anybody knew they were gay, and then laughing at the lyrics in retrospect. For example, Elton John once sang, “...rolling like thunder, under the covers...” Ha ha ha! Takes on a whole new meaning, doesn't it? This also works with George Michael: “Wake me up, before you go-go, don't leave me hanging on my boyfriend's yo-yo.” Aw, Jeez! Remember all those teeny-bob girls dancing to “I want your sex...” Sorry darling. All George wanted from you was to borrow that blouse.

*I'm no animal rights activists, but I do feel sorry for chickens. Not only do we eat them, but we devour their unborn children, whether scrambled or sunny side-up.”

*Feminists have just discovered that BET music videos are "potentially degrading to women." They're a little behind the curve on this one, no pun intended. I've got a newsflash for feminists everywhere: music videos have been degrading to women since video killed the fuckin' radio star. I saw (I'm not making this up) a video on BET in which a male rap celebrity places a cocktail on a bikini-clad chick's ass! The woman in this video wasn't just a sex object; she was gangsta's coaster! This is art. Yet I can't tell a woman her new haircut looks nice without somebody handing my a pamphlet.

*Have you heard somebody place the word “make” on the end of a sentence? Example: “The ability to change a tire does not a mechanic make.” I respond to these nitwits something like this: “The fuck why there the verb did you place?”

*I don't like Ikea anymore. Comparing things to Nazism is trite, but with Ikea, the analogy fits so well. On the surface, Ikea is this hip, European alternative shopping experience. But underneath, it's just a big concentration camp. They actually have a path denoted with arrows that you must follow through the entire store. Deviate from the path and a minimum-wage stormtrooper sneers at you. By the end of the trip I feared the path would conclude in a Swedish gas chamber, or perhaps a post-modern convection oven. And don't even think about taking an item from the shelf. And don't make the same mistake I did where you take the item's tag. That tag is your own personal Star of David. “Excuse me, sir. Do you want to buy that product?” (Everybody knows that “sir” is employee-speak for subhuman bastard) “Don't pull the tag. Write down the number.” Evidently, you have to rummage through the warehouse dungeon at the end of the store and find your shit. Plus, everything's too small at Ikea. Yea, it's sleek and cool and fashionable, but too small – much like David Spade.

*I throw the term “douchebag” around a lot, but I've never seen an actual douchebag, nor do I know what one looks like. So I did a Google Image search on “douchebag.” The third image from the left had a picture of Ryan Seacrest.

*People complain about car emissions destroying the planet. Why do I have to think of all the solutions? Just do what I do. Plug the hole. There's a tailpipe through which all the bad stuff spits out. Plug it up with some cotton balls, a kitchen rag, some chewing gum, whatever you have lying around. Bingo, no more emissions. Speaking of cars, nowadays when I drive I get these awful dizzy spells. Then I soil myself and forget my own name for a day or two.

49 comments:

Hammer said...

So much truth, I'm getting overloaded Rappers coaster, yep fine art. I've seen people go out one evening horny and wake up married. That's a bad thing.

CruiserMel said...

“Don't go spouse shopping when you're horny.” But isn't this how it usually is? Come to think of it, I grocery shop only when I'm hungry, too. Crap. No wonder I'm well-fed and have a line of crazies following me all the time. Thanks for your advice.

ARM said...

Dude, you're on fire today with these bullet-ins. Too fucking hilarious!! The douche-bag/Seacrest made me choke on my water. Gracias.

Raggedy said...

*Why did Japanese kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

*You are getting a deal at $2.99 a minute or you have not placed one of those calls in a long time.

*just imagine the cost of shoes if you had one hundred feet! And you could not own just one set of shoes.

*When serving eggs I have always called them undeveloped chickens. It really grossed out my niece.

*I can't stop laughing at your closer. The car emission thing is hilarious!

Have a fabulous day!
Toodles

mist1 said...

I think the correct term is douchebottle. NotthatIknow.

Janet said...

It's so true. If you use discretion when purchasing a melon, you should multiply that times 1,000 when searching for a suitable mate. Unless, of course, your choices are seasonal, not unlike the fruits themselves.

Violet said...

I've usually referred to Ryan Seacrest as a "tool," but I can see him crossing over to the douchebag category quite easily.

Good point about the grocery shopping when you're hungry vs. dating when you're desperate. It never seems to work out in those situations, does it?

jules said...

Don't go spouse shopping when you're horny. Good advice. I'm laughing so hard at this stuff! You are one twisted little f***er!

tornwordo said...

A gangsta coaster. Brilliant! Great bulletins as usual.

Leesa said...

Just a quick note to let you know that Battle of the Blogs has started. Round One will last until Sunday evening.

Leesa (http://dsmoya31410.blogspot.com)

jali said...

I obviously shopped while man hungry a couple of times and I wish I had the wise man of the blogs to consult back then. Great stuff!

NWJR said...

So what should we do about bovine emissions? I'm not sticking giant corks up Bessie The Cow's ass...

Webmiztris said...

the kamikaze and amputee jokes nearly made me wet my pants. bravo! :D

Miss Cellania said...

When I was a kid (I'm much older than you), I would occasionally see one of those rubber bags in someone's shower (my family had no shower). When I was older and learned what they were, all I could say was "eeewww!" However, they could have been enema bags, and thats a double "eeewww!"

Nölff said...

Terry Thatcher is a splendid milf. It blows my mind that she got fresh with Seacrest. I am angry about this situation... and also this beta blogger situation

-Nolff

kissashrk said...

Every damn time I go to the grocery store with the munchies I end up with 6 boxes of cereal, soap, and no milk or something like that....so I guess thats like you guys going to the bar and waking up with a sheman? LOL....

Lucy Stern said...

I spend way too much money when I grocery shop when I am hungry....

Just telling it like it is said...

What did I do before having a cell phone...why it is practically strapped to my arse..24/7

Thank Gosh for the smart people out there or else I would Die...just die

Scottsdale Girl said...

*Everybody's heard the adage, “Don't go grocery shopping when you're hungry.” But many of us could profit from the lesser known maxim, “Don't go spouse shopping when you're horny.”

BWAHAHAHAHAH!

Wayne said...

So F*#King funny!

Oh great One said...

The fuck why there the verb did you place?”

I had to read that twice but it made me smile!

Cameron said...

I know what you mean about IKEA. Which is why I always make a point of starting at the end and stubbornly going against the flow to the beginning.

So far, no salesperson has stopped me.

Heidi said...

Just checked you out from VX's blog. You're PHUNNIE! I'll be sure to come back and read more once I get back to work. :) No need to use my vacation time doing something I can do at work! (back to the beach for me)
GOOD STUFF!

Elaine said...

"Don't Go Spouse Shopping When You're Horny"...
that should be on a shirt or something!


Used to work for Ikea and all I have to say is LOOK FOR THE SECRET DOOR by the entrance. It takes you straight to the accessories and the check out. Bypasses the furniture maze. Its like finding out about the secret brick on Mario Brothers that has like 50 billion mushrooms.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Well, bless my bippy. This is one of the finest b**gs I have ever read/seen/enjoyed. There are just TOO MANY good one liners here to waste on a single b**g. But, knowing you, you will come up for air, with pistols blazing, and there will be more....

tkkerouac said...

love that thumbnail.

Junebugg said...

Centipedes aren't animals, they're insects (my only good subject in high school was science)

Ari said...

"Anybody who thinks we're not making progress wasn't around when there were no cell phones and no debit cards."

My high school computer science teacher (in 1987 or so) foretold of a cashless society, and we all scoffed... yet I'd wager (with my debit card) now that we Gen X'ers may see that before we die.

Weary Hag said...

nwjr ... completely stole what I was going to say but I can't fault him for getting it into print because at least his comment was placed on time.

You know a post is most excellent when after reading each entry you hear yourself saying aloud, "yeah man."

Good to see you haven't changed.

Mo said...

I still haven't figured out why so many people adore Ikea. Our local one shows you how to live in less than 300 sq feet. Who the hell lives in less than 300 sq ft? I certainly do not want my toilet that close to my sleeping quarters.

Queen of Dysfunction said...

I'm going to start drinking more Kamakazes. You know, to make it worth the sacrifice.

Peter said...

Hi LBB, I think some of our politicians are to dumb to fix or even break things.

Chick said...

I eat eggs...but thinking about what they are totally & completely grosses me out.

& you are so right about Ryan Seacrest.

Dayngr said...

I laughed out loud when I got to the part about rearranging verbs. These were hilarious.

I'm with QofD, I'm going to start drinking more Kamikazes. No reason to let them all have died in vain.

Heather said...

I've had the same exact thought when listening to that Elton John song. Seriously.

Video X said...

I am so glad I hate shopping. I have never been to an Ikea store. I reluctantly checked it out online once out of sheer boredom...I just didn't get it. Not my thing I guess. I don't understand why it's so raved about!

Hahaha...amputees....

Migraine Boy said...

"Don't go spouse shopping when you're horny..." - Brilliant, why aren't your books required reading in high school?

Spinning Girl said...

I've always felt that Ikea and Chia should combine. They could make some bitchin' jingles.

dr.alistair said...

who the fuck is ryan seacrest?

don`t go spouse shopping when you`re horny......

so when do you go then, when you are asleep? never?

Shoshana said...

LOL! One of my top favorite bulletins. Nice bday present for me. :P

Concentration camp? Wow, that's harsh.

Have you noticed though that when they say "European living" especially in Texas, just meants some builder is just going to charge some putz a lot of money for an apartment the size of my living room and call it "stylish!"

That's what you get for wanting to live like European. I haven't seen a new "European-style" living here which are proper size.

Janet said...

All these poor animals, walking around with androgynous names. There must be some sexually confused pooches out there, no?:)

Fathairybastard said...

It's like this. Our leaders ARE whores. They whore around on us because we like it that way. We like it that way because we've all been taught in the last 100 years or so to feel entitled to all the benefits we're getting. We don't want to lose them, but also don't really want to pay for them. So, they tell us slavishly that WE deserve these benefits (everything from local business or development aid to retirement and SSI, etc.), but the other guy over there really doesn't. The other guy's leader tells him the same thing, so it goes back and forth. This is why the government can't stop spending money. Something for nothing.

The "don't shop when you're hungry" analogy is brilliant. Just brilliant. Once had a friends wife tell me that men who are married live longer and are healthier. I told her that animals in zoos are healthier and live longer, but that doesn't mean we should put all critters in zoos. Personally, I'd rather live in the wild, because I don't breed well in captivity.

And I almost went to an Ikea store today. Now I'm glad I didn't.

Stepping Over the Junk said...

I met a dog named Daisy and it ended up being a boy.

Ikea is cheapo. I save up and buy good antiques. I figure, if they've last a few hundred years, they will last my lifetime.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Guilty as charged...I was one of those teeny-bop girls who drooled over George Michael, dammit.

I always KNEW he was just too damn pretty to be straight!

Heidi the Hick said...

I love David Spade.

Disgustipated--AKA Candi said...

Seacrest is a pretty small chick as well as Spade! I haven't seen any pics on google with him ass end up as a gangsta's coaster yet although, it is rumoured that Nicole Richie is in a new 'porn' video floating on the net, I suspect this is really Seacrest--- as the two are virtually are inter-changeable......

Leesa said...

Just wanted to stop by to tell you that Battle of the Blogs: Round 2 has started, and your blog is one of the ones still in the competition.

Leesa (http://dsmoya31410.blogspot.com)

It's Me, Maven... said...

Hah! The douchebag-Seacrest thing reminds me of what happened when I googled images for Juliette Lewis!

Good times!!

Dave Morris said...

Never been to Ikea, and now, never will.

Although I WILL eventually pay another anonymous whore 2.99 per minute...

Maybe not. Violet just gave me a really dirty look.