2/02/2007

Global Warming Manifesto

My Global Warming Manifesto

or

How I learned to stop worrying about the most ambitious socialist plot ever conceived and joined the "consensus."

I'm a believer. And like most believers, I'm going to become an annoying busybody and preach my gospel to everybody unfortunate enough to be within earshot. So here are the facts, people. Here's what the "scientific community" has ordained. This is what politicians and environmental activists expect you to believe, and me too:

1)The scientific community of 30 years ago (which warned the earth was cooling due to human activity) was either stupid or full of crap. So were the scientists who, since the early part of the last century, were at one time warning us about global warming, global cooling, global warming again, then global cooling again, the "population bomb" in which we'd all starve, the current epidemic of obesity, and finally, the detrimental effects of indecisiveness!

2)The computer models that give rise to global warming theory have been perfected and are infallible (they must be running OS X, not Windows!)

3)The scientists, geophysicists and meteorologists who remain skeptical of man-made global warming are all kooks and hacks, or in the pockets of Big Oil. In either event, they don't care whether we're destroying the planet because they're suicidal, misanthropic and hate their posterity.

4)The unusually warm weather in New England is significant, but the unusually frigid weather in the Southwest is not.

5)Hurricane Katrina, which killed about 1800 people, is the product of global warming, while The 1900 Galveston, TX Hurricane, which killed 6,000, wasn't (Incidentally, isn't it sad that among the 1800 precious souls who perished in Katrina, not one of them was Kanye West?).

6)Whatever warming scientists are accurately measuring is definitely not part of a normal weather cycle, an ice age climate pattern, solar activity, volcanic activity, any number of other meteorological forces or geographic changes, or just plain coincidence. (Think about this: Ninety percent of men exaggerate the measurement of their penis length, and that's just for bragging rights. You don't think they'd tack on a few degrees Celsius for an extra 5 million in research grants?).

7)While we've been destroying the planet during our 150-year industrial revolution, and while we'll continue to emit "greenhouse gasses" along with the rest of the industrialized world, if we stop debating and act right now, we can arrest the cataclysmic progress of global warming -- by cutting back some arbitrary amount determined by whatever big-mouth, sanctimonious global warming figurehead attains power. But only if we stop debating right now. Otherwise, it's too late. Not "too late" like it was 15 years ago when, despite knowing better, everybody bought SUVs and revved up factories, construction and manufacturing. Too late for real this time. We can still be saved. Convenient, huh? Why don't these "experts" warn us about something useful, like the tipping point of popularity for the Macarena or reality TV programming?

8)Only American-made greenhouse gasses are detrimental. Chinese, Indian, Russian, Brazilian, Eastern European, Middle-Eastern and Venezuelan greenhouse gasses are inert. In fact, they impart on the atmosphere a crisp, clean refreshing scent reminiscent of Aqua Velva.

9)Global warming skeptics -- scientists and laymen alike -- are modern-day equivalents of holocaust-deniers and "the world is flat" rubes. Furthermore, they may need to suffer criminal and/or civil penalties for their "crimes." I say we force them to listen to NPR broadcasts until they die of boredom.

10)The earth's climate has cycled for 4 billion years and has often been hotter than it is now. But that's nothing to consider. This time around, it's purely man-made (like most of the nice boobs you see).

11)Higher taxes and more government regulation will reduce the distance we drive to work, the amount of energy to power homes, hospitals, schools and factories, and the amount of cow farts sounding on the open range. Excuse yourself, Bossy! Incidentally, any geographic feature that can't withstand cow farts doesn't have a Chinaman's chance, anyway.

12)The ozone hole that disappeared, but that we obsessed about and reproached ourselves for making, in no way discredits the same experts who've now latched on to global warming.


...There you have it - my manifesto on man-made global warming. So, are you ready to be saved? I'm not talking about coming to Jesus. I'm taking science. You, my dear reader, are a sinner. Your way of life is evil. You need to be saved. You need to accept Al Gore into your heart. Ask yourself, What Would Al Gore Do?

Come on! Join The Consensus.

31 comments:

Hammer said...

Preach it brotha!

Yep A volcano in one eruption puts out about 10 times the greenhouse gas that humans do in a year.

But of course it's all our fault.

Violet said...

I don't claim to know all the ins-and-outs of facts and details regarding global warming. I tend to think that there is something to the theory, but I may be wrong.

I guess my only thought is that humans are putting all sorts of chemicals into the atmosphere that have never been present before. Is it not a bit egotistical to think that there is no effect whatsoever by doing so? Kind of like thinking that God put the earth at the center of the universe and made the sun revolve around us because we are the most important beings in the universe?

Shoshana said...

I don't know which rock have I been hiding under because I remember hearing from Carlos Mencia about this West guy.

What would Al do? I like that one. I think from now on, I'll practice this whatever it is...what's it called again?

jules said...

Sign me up.

Beth said...

ooh, Al Gore gives me the creeps....the way he kissed his wife that time, bent her all back and laid one on her....YUK! ACK! He's so plastic, I don't give a rats ass what he says....I just want warm weather!

Peter said...

Hey LBB, come clean... what the hell did you do with that "hole in the ozone" I never even missed it and now you tell me it's gone??? just like Haylle's Comet... Yeah I missed that too.
Guess I'd better keep an eye on this Global Warming thing or I might make the tri-fecta.

Wayne said...

I repent! I repent!
Oh.....I'm gonna so regret this in the morning!

skinnylittleblonde said...

LOL, funny & thought-provoking.
Global-warming is a natural & cyclical thing isn't it ... Kinda like a galaxal summer/winter thing... anyway, I'll try not to poot and ask my 5 dogs to do the same. that should help some.

mist1 said...

I like summer shoes better than winter shoes. I say, bring on global warming.

Raggedy said...

You are going to love this!
Please watch.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=71u4rs7etEY

Great Post!
Have a wonderful evening!
*^_^
(=':'=) hugs
(")_ (")Š from
the Cool Raggedy one

tornwordo said...

Hey, I'm all for global warming. I live in a freaking ice box six months a year. My concern is the pollution spoiling the oceans and atmosphere. My concern is making the planet uninhabitable for future humans. It's probably a silly concern since I can't do anything about it, but still.

NWJR said...

"8)Only American-made greenhouse gasses are detrimental. Chinese, Indian, Russian, Brazilian, Eastern European, Middle-Eastern and Venezuelan greenhouse gasses are inert. In fact, they impart on the atmosphere a crisp, clean refreshing scent reminiscent of Aqua Velva."

A-FUCKING-MEN.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

(Blogger is being a beyotch, so if this double-posts, I'm sorry).

Dave Morris said...

Personally I think we oughta be cool to future generations and err on the side of caution. When BP & Exxon/Mobil acknowledge their complicity, who am I to argue?

The ozone hole is still there, but the effect has been lessened (some say reversed) by the simple act of banning the use of CFC compounds.

I think the "consensus" has long since gone the other way, but dude, you know me... if there's free beer on this bandwagon, count me in!

Tense Teacher said...

Do I get a t-shirt if I accept Gore into my heart? I'll do it for a t-shirt.

(This was awesome.)

Memphis Steve said...

Al Gore invented hissy fits!

Amandarama said...

I know we're responsible for global warming. But I love air conditioning too much to stop. You see, I'm delicate. Fragile. Like a hot house flower. One that demands a perfectly humidity controlled 72 degree environment at all times. Which isn't so much hot house flower as just being friggin' picky. And, since I have no kids to worry about passing this planet on to, I'll happily keep being picky, global warming be damned.

Spinning Girl said...

I think Bossy was in my classroom yesterday.

Jenni said...

I'm having an issue with this whole "Global Warming" CRAP as I am sitting here wearing three layers of clothes, under a huge quilt while it is MINUS THIRTEEN DEGREES OUTSIDE.

Global warming global schwarming...Tell that to my freezing fingers and nearly frostbitten nose. It took all of three seconds for all of the snot to freeze in my nose yesterday as I walked from my car into the mall.

Good times.

NWJR said...

BTW, I hate the new template. Is that the fault of global warming too?

CP said...

And here I thought global warming was due to the friction between my thighs.

CP.

Fathairybastard said...

I think yer preachin' to the converted my man. Bring on the ice age dude. Bring it on. I'm sure we're doin' somethin' to muck things up, but this big balls been shifting around for bazillions of years and this is just the latest shift. You've got it pegged.

Oh great One said...

Kanye's woulda kept him safe. It's huge you know.

jali said...

What's with all the boobs comments on the net? We mini-me owners need love too.

Rach said...

numbers 8 and 12 - hahahahahaha. Great piece of writing mate

Bug said...

HAHAHAHA! Amen to each of 'em...especially #5!

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Thank you Dr. Strangelove for your brilliant manifesto. May posterity learn to revere the work of your giant brain!

...and I am relieved to see that I'm not the only one who was saddened by the fact that Kanye West hasn't gotten in the way of a Category 5 hurricane. I mean really, one of the members of Loverboy perished off the California coast a few years back and we can't even get Kanye on a catamaran?

Jeannie said...

whatever you said - ok, I'm in. Does this mean I get to bask in tropical weather here? Or do I get a friggin ice age?

Video X said...

That is hilarious...and so amazingly true! I couldn't agree more! Will people ever really wisen up and use freaking common sense instead of just listening to whatever passing fad is being discussed on television or in the papers? Oh wait...how silly of me...it's in print...therefore it MUST be true of course. What was I thinking.

Webmiztris said...

sorry...the ozone hole thing was because of me. I laid off the hairspray since 1990 though, so you're all welcome.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

NWJR: Are you kidding? I love this new template. I like it because it's easy to read. That old one I was using was a strain on the eyeballs.

But I'm not committed to it just yet. Trying it out for size.

Ari said...

Should I ever find Al Gore in my heart, I'm going to stake him right then and there.