I'm a believer. And like most believers, I'm going to become an annoying busybody and preach my gospel to everybody unfortunate enough to be within earshot. So here are the facts, people. Here's what the "scientific community" has ordained. This is what politicians and environmental activists expect you to believe, and me too:
1)The scientific community of 30 years ago (which warned the earth was cooling due to human activity) was either stupid or full of crap. So were the scientists who, since the early part of the last century, were at one time warning us about global warming, global cooling, global warming again, then global cooling again, the "population bomb" in which we'd all starve, the current epidemic of obesity, and finally, the detrimental effects of indecisiveness!
2)The computer models that give rise to global warming theory have been perfected and are infallible (they must be running OS X, not Windows!)
3)The scientists, geophysicists and meteorologists who remain skeptical of man-made global warming are all kooks and hacks, or in the pockets of Big Oil. In either event, they don't care whether we're destroying the planet because they're suicidal, misanthropic and hate their posterity.
4)The unusually warm weather in New England is significant, but the unusually frigid weather in the Southwest is not.
5)Hurricane Katrina, which killed about 1800 people, is the product of global warming, while The 1900 Galveston, TX Hurricane, which killed 6,000, wasn't (Incidentally, isn't it sad that among the 1800 precious souls who perished in Katrina, not one of them was Kanye West?).
6)Whatever warming scientists are accurately measuring is definitely not part of a normal weather cycle, an ice age climate pattern, solar activity, volcanic activity, any number of other meteorological forces or geographic changes, or just plain coincidence. (Think about this: Ninety percent of men exaggerate the measurement of their penis length, and that's just for bragging rights. You don't think they'd tack on a few degrees Celsius for an extra 5 million in research grants?).
7)While we've been destroying the planet during our 150-year industrial revolution, and while we'll continue to emit "greenhouse gasses" along with the rest of the industrialized world, if we stop debating and act right now, we can arrest the cataclysmic progress of global warming -- by cutting back some arbitrary amount determined by whatever big-mouth, sanctimonious global warming figurehead attains power. But only if we stop debating right now. Otherwise, it's too late. Not "too late" like it was 15 years ago when, despite knowing better, everybody bought SUVs and revved up factories, construction and manufacturing. Too late for real this time. We can still be saved. Convenient, huh? Why don't these "experts" warn us about something useful, like the tipping point of popularity for the Macarena or reality TV programming?
8)Only American-made greenhouse gasses are detrimental. Chinese, Indian, Russian, Brazilian, Eastern European, Middle-Eastern and Venezuelan greenhouse gasses are inert. In fact, they impart on the atmosphere a crisp, clean refreshing scent reminiscent of Aqua Velva.
9)Global warming skeptics -- scientists and laymen alike -- are modern-day equivalents of holocaust-deniers and "the world is flat" rubes. Furthermore, they may need to suffer criminal and/or civil penalties for their "crimes." I say we force them to listen to NPR broadcasts until they die of boredom.
10)The earth's climate has cycled for 4 billion years and has often been hotter than it is now. But that's nothing to consider. This time around, it's purely man-made (like most of the nice boobs you see).
11)Higher taxes and more government regulation will reduce the distance we drive to work, the amount of energy to power homes, hospitals, schools and factories, and the amount of cow farts sounding on the open range. Excuse yourself, Bossy! Incidentally, any geographic feature that can't withstand cow farts doesn't have a Chinaman's chance, anyway.
12)The ozone hole that disappeared, but that we obsessed about and reproached ourselves for making, in no way discredits the same experts who've now latched on to global warming.
...There you have it - my manifesto on man-made global warming. So, are you ready to be saved? I'm not talking about coming to Jesus. I'm taking science. You, my dear reader, are a sinner. Your way of life is evil. You need to be saved. You need to accept Al Gore into your heart. Ask yourself, What Would Al Gore Do?
Come on! Join The Consensus.