I just realized that I have a contingent of young readers. I'd like to dedicate a post to the kids who read my blog. Following is a collection of age-appropriate bullet-ins for my elementary school readers. Enjoy!
- Here's a great idea for a television show: a legal comedy-drama starring only dogs. No human actors – all dogs. And the dogs would have human voices like in that one movie, Babe. The name of the show? Boston Beagle.
- The best-tasting foods are colorful. That's why those darn crayons are so tempting. When Crayola names a crayon “Butterscotch Delight,” you almost have to bite into it. Can I get an Amen?
- All the problem regions of the world just need a good snowstorm. That's probably why they're so bad – no snow. That would drive me crazy, too. The Middle East wouldn't have so many terrorists if it snowed there. They wouldn't be able to shoot their guns or press the detonation buttons so easily if their fingers were numb from making snowballs. Osama Been Sleddin'. Africa needs snow, too. The warriors would have to trade in their machetes for shovels. Plus, everybody would have to wear clothing and that would help control the population growth (you'll understand that last part in a few years, junior).
- Sometimes I think Santa Claus is just a myth. Parents tell you Santa is watching you all year long to manipulate you into behaving. If that's true, I give them credit for contriving such an elaborate scheme. You have to admit it's more effective than threatening to hold your breath until you get your way. That gig never works. You know what might work? Threatening to tell the pastor all the swear words mom and dad say Monday through Saturday. Or else, trifling with the pistol dad keeps hidden in the closet.
- Adults go to work and make all this money. But then they spend the money on bills and save and invest it and stuff like that. What a waste! When I grow up and get a job and all that money, I'm going to live in a candy house and drive a rocket car. Plus I'll have my own arcade room with all the games ever made. I figure I'll be able to afford it all, too, because I'm not getting married. That's gross.
- I hate how my lunch has only a few cookies in it. That's bullcrap. I always tell my mom, Hey mom – just pack the whole bag of cookies. I'll bring home what I can't eat. My mom tells me I need a “balanced meal.” That's bullcrap, too. No matter what you eat, it all turns into the same poo.
- My friend Cody taped playing cards onto his bicycle wheels so that when he rides, it sounds like a motorcycle. He wishes. It just sounds like an hour-long fart.