2/14/2007

LBB for kids

I just realized that I have a contingent of young readers. I'd like to dedicate a post to the kids who read my blog. Following is a collection of age-appropriate bullet-ins for my elementary school readers. Enjoy!
  • Here's a great idea for a television show: a legal comedy-drama starring only dogs. No human actors – all dogs. And the dogs would have human voices like in that one movie, Babe. The name of the show? Boston Beagle.
  • The best-tasting foods are colorful. That's why those darn crayons are so tempting. When Crayola names a crayon “Butterscotch Delight,” you almost have to bite into it. Can I get an Amen?
  • All the problem regions of the world just need a good snowstorm. That's probably why they're so bad – no snow. That would drive me crazy, too. The Middle East wouldn't have so many terrorists if it snowed there. They wouldn't be able to shoot their guns or press the detonation buttons so easily if their fingers were numb from making snowballs. Osama Been Sleddin'. Africa needs snow, too. The warriors would have to trade in their machetes for shovels. Plus, everybody would have to wear clothing and that would help control the population growth (you'll understand that last part in a few years, junior).
  • Sometimes I think Santa Claus is just a myth. Parents tell you Santa is watching you all year long to manipulate you into behaving. If that's true, I give them credit for contriving such an elaborate scheme. You have to admit it's more effective than threatening to hold your breath until you get your way. That gig never works. You know what might work? Threatening to tell the pastor all the swear words mom and dad say Monday through Saturday. Or else, trifling with the pistol dad keeps hidden in the closet.
  • Adults go to work and make all this money. But then they spend the money on bills and save and invest it and stuff like that. What a waste! When I grow up and get a job and all that money, I'm going to live in a candy house and drive a rocket car. Plus I'll have my own arcade room with all the games ever made. I figure I'll be able to afford it all, too, because I'm not getting married. That's gross.
  • I hate how my lunch has only a few cookies in it. That's bullcrap. I always tell my mom, Hey mom – just pack the whole bag of cookies. I'll bring home what I can't eat. My mom tells me I need a “balanced meal.” That's bullcrap, too. No matter what you eat, it all turns into the same poo.
  • My friend Cody taped playing cards onto his bicycle wheels so that when he rides, it sounds like a motorcycle. He wishes. It just sounds like an hour-long fart.

50 comments:

Hammer said...

Amen, I packed my own lunch and all the cookies.

Only works once though.

Freddidfrrog@aol.com said...

"Osama Been Sleddin'." Snort!

Freddie said...

Make that Freddie... I haven't been drinking. Honest.

gusgreeper said...

i am glad i don't have kids i'd have to share my ps2 games. ;)
why can't there be cats in the show even if the dogs are mean to the cats and arrest them. there needs to be cats!

Jack K. said...

a resounding AMEN!!!

Mo said...

Another Amen from the peanut gallery.

Miss Cellania said...

Its amazing how many guys grow up and buy candy and all the arcade games in the world. The trouble is, they are still living in their folk's basement!

Funny post ya got here!

Scottsdale Girl said...

Trifling - must look into trifling...

mist1 said...

I hope children don't read my blog. I'm not as good of a role model as you are.

The Boob Lady said...

That was hilarious. I peed a little.

CruiserMel said...

An hour-long fart? What the hell vitamins do you take?

The Boob Lady said...

Totally! Carl, Dan, we could start a band!

Carrie said...

I really thing Boston Beagle would make it with all the crap we have on TV these days.

Getting married is gross. Be very very afraid!

ARM said...

Lord help the children who read this blog. HIlarious shit, man!!

Flea's Thoughts said...

Way to lead the young man....they should grow up strong and proud!!!

**cracking me up as always****

BTW loved your idea for naming today :)

Becky said...

Happy Valentine's Day!

Peter said...

When I grow up I'm gonna.... Ah stuff it I'm not gonna bother growin' up, the folks buy me all that shit already.

Ari said...

I could totally relate to all of this, and I'm much older than any kid....

tornwordo said...

All turns into the same poop, so true, so true!

jules said...

Channeling the inner child today, huh?

NWJR said...

"I'll be able to afford it all, too, because I'm not getting married. That's gross."

Best. Advice. Ever.

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Hey, you wanna babysit my kids sometime? I figure even with airfare you have to be cheaper than the therapy they're gonna need when I get done with them.

Raggedy said...

Hahahahaaha! That was wonderful.
Thanks for the giggle.
I hope you had a wonderful Valentine's day!
Hugs

jali said...

I'm sending this to all the kids I know.(with love from "Unka LBB)

Heidi the Hick said...

Dude, the trick with the card on the spoke of the bike wheel is: you need like, 20 cards. Front and back. That's how you get that big exhaust pipe sound.

But if you're really cool, you cut off the handlebars and weld on a steering wheel.

Violet said...

Yeah, right. Santa Claus is a myth... Perhaps you aren't getting enough snow down where you are, because that's just crazy talk. Next thing, you'll be trying to convince me that Mom hides all the Easter eggs and Dad sneaks in and gets the tooth from under my pillow while I sleep. Yeah, right. Don't grown-ups have better things to do with their time? Like propogate myths about global warming???

Violet said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Christina_the_wench said...

That gig never works. You know what might work? Threatening to tell the pastor all the swear words mom and dad say Monday through Saturday.
Umm...

*deletes her history/bookmarks from the home laptop*

Oh great One said...

AMEN!

I think this is one of my favorites!

Just telling it like it is said...

Amen...
Long hour fart...hahahhaha
I that what is sounded like...

JD's Rose said...

All in all, I think that it is quite negligent of Crayola to have such nice names for their crayons any way. Surely that has got to be confusing for the munchkins! (ok, and maybe a few of the adults).

Dayngr said...

Loved this post. Wanna get married? Oh wait, boys are yucky!

awaiting said...

I've never been one to eat crayons, but heck iffin they don't make that darn paste so tasty.

I mean...not that I'd know.

MsLittlePea said...

Thanks for the visit and comment-I would totally watch Boston Beagle!

themuttprincess said...

Never tried a crayon... but I remember eating paste. I must have rode the short bus.... Or something....

Webmiztris said...

the crayons don't tempt me, but those fruity-smelling markers? ORGASMIC.

Riss said...

AMEN!!!!

How am I *not* supposed to eat a crayon called "Cotton Candy"? It's un-American if I don't.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Brilliant, LBB...friggin' brilliant.

Video X said...

I know I'm not one of the young readers. I suppose with my immature behavior at times, that may be mistaken. It's been quite a while that I've been mistaken for anything much less than my age thanks to wrinkles and just oldness in general. Woohoo.

Hehe...my great grandmother told my uncles it was xmas eve once. They flew upstairs and were in bed by 5pm. It was July. She was very old and wearing odd clothing by that time in her life.

Janet said...

If you want a balanced meal, just look to Lunchables. Presliced pieces of cold cuts, crackers, cookies and juice, all prepped for you. It also teaches kids a valuable lesson early on. Even crap can be expensive.

Weary Hag said...

What a great post to return to! You not only managed to allow my inner child to peek out from beneath my skin, but after I finished reading I was able to slap her around a little ... great fun.

Hey - have truly missed reading you!!

HRW

Shoshana said...

Ha ha ha. My 9 year old really like this one.

Yeah...what's with that balance meal and investing?

Chick said...

Amen to the cookies!

Leesa said...

I notice you were a finalist in the RFS Blog Awards. Congratulations. I would like to tell you a little story and then a plea for help.

The story: I saw a little girl in McDonalds over the weekend, and she was so precious. She had light brunette hair, strands were coming out of her loosely-tied ponytail, and her laugh and smile were infectious. She ran up to a slightly older boy and said, "Come play with me." It was so cute and she eventually got the boy to play with her.

Well, I want to have a little contest called "Battle of the Bloggers." I wrote about it last week, and my readers were less-than-enthusiastic about the contest. I cannot be entered myself, but I want to host a competiton that, more than anything, will expose me and others to good blogs that we don't know about to date. Please visit my blog at http://dsmoya31410.blogspot.com to see the details.

Spinning Girl said...

Menachem Toboggan would be so happy if sonme snow fell on the Holy Land.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

An hour-long fart? That's gotta be the greatest thing since sliced cucumbers.

Melanie said...

i like the hour long fart thing... and I never threaten my kid with the santa gig. I figure santa's watching me too. :wink:

Dave Morris said...

Apparently somebody tapes playing cards under the couch when I'm sitting there...

Dave Morris said...

Apparently somebody tapes playing cards under the couch when I'm sitting there...

Memphis Steve said...

I'm eating the whole bag of Oreos as I read this.

This is one of the best ones yet.