2/06/2007

WalMart doesn't have a leg to stand on

Last week I shopped at WalMart where I saw the oddest sight. This guy walked past me. Rather, he rolled past me -- in a WalMart Shopping cart. He was sitting in the cart's child seat. You may be wondering how a grown man could fit in such a small niche. It's because he had no legs! He was just a human stump propped up in a shopping cart. At first I thought he was one of those Slam-Man punching dummies from sporting goods. But once I saw the arms moving, I surmised it was a real person. I figured things out in a nick of time, too, because I was fixing on throwing a quick jab followed by a devastating right cross. Imagine how that police report would have read! Man sucker-punches double amputee in WalMart. Felony charges pending.

I don't begrudge the man his handicap. Having no legs is fine. Think of how much money one would save on pants and shoes! Furthermore, you'd win every pull-up contest you entered. What struck me odd was his means of ambulation, namely, a WalMart shopping cart. He couldn't roll it himself, unless he had an oar or a pogo stick or something. His family was pushing him along. In a shopping cart. How weird. Hey, you know what would have been great? If the amputee's name was Cartman. Odds are a million to one, but imagine that. Anyway, one would think a guy with no legs would have his own custom wheelchair, something more dignified than a wire basket with wheels. He's in a WalMart, after all (Incidentally, WalMart is the only place you'd see something like this; it's a cinch you won't find this guy rolling through Macy's). Why didn't he visit the toy aisle and pick out a red wagon or a skateboard? Maybe he could drive a kids' toy 4x4 jeep. Some naked lady mudflaps, a handicap sign for parking, a couple 6-volt batteries – he'd be all set. Just because you're handicapped doesn't mean you shouldn't put your best foot forward, if you're fortunate enough to have at least one.

But along he rolled in a shopping cart while several family tugged him this way and that. This oddity had me up wondering most of the night.

47 comments:

Raggedy said...

I had to read that twice!
That is so strange and out there.
I can't imagine seeing that.
I don't want to even think of all the questions my daughter would be asking if we came across such a sight.

Try and get some rest.
Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=':'=) hugs
(")_ (")Š from
the Cool Raggedy one

Hammer said...

I always have weird thoughts about how they pee or if married how they ummm err change lightbulbs and stuff..

NWJR said...

"Incidentally, WalMart is the only place you'd see something like this; it's a cinch you won't find this guy rolling through Macy's"

True, that.

I think Macy's (like their other upscale department store brethren) has a security guard out front that acts like the guy in the club that only lets the "cool kids" in.

And why is it that everyone else besides me is a freak at Wal*Mart? I'm always the only normal person there.

Weird.

tornwordo said...

Reminds me of the amputee (arms) transvestite I saw sashaying down the street singing. Bi-zarre.

Blogarita said...

I think with a toilet plunger with an extra long handle, he'd be able to move that cart around by himself. That's probably what they were there to buy.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

That would definitely get a second look from me.

The picture I have in my mind is just freaky...almost like something out of a Stephen King novel.

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

"Incidentally, WalMart is the only place you'd see something like this; it's a cinch you won't find this guy rolling through Macy's"

Damn right, and it's because of the amazing values!

Peter said...

Certainly lucky you were thinking a bit slow to take a swing at that slam man LBB.

Christina_the_wench said...

You're so bad. ~laughing~

Linda said...

wonder why they didn't get him that electric cart and allow him to drive it? I mean, if the carts can be used by the lazy, why not the truly handicapped?

Oh...and I once knew of a man who not only had no legs...he had no lower torso at ALL...he used to sit on a stone wall of a bridge and scare the crap out of people who drove by...I mean, imagine seeing a the upper body (from the waist up) of a grown man, arms waving...but no legs...hell, no butt or anything. Now, how does one like THAT go pee?

Violet said...

Hmmmm... So did his family just haul him in from the car and plop him down into the cart, or did they go find the cart first and push him all the way from the car to the store?

themuttprincess said...

That would have had me up all night scratching my head.

I have never been to Walmart with out seeing something I could have lived without seeing. Yeah, you would think I would learn, but noooo I go back to see the 3 ring circus that is walmart.

RWB said...

lmfao...Cartman...just because you're handicapped doesn't mean you shouldn't put your best foot forward... That is some funny stuff right there!!!

Nölff said...

I have a reflex.. I would have pointed and laughed. I've been punched in public for doing that.

Lyvvie said...

I see a whole bunch of them, in sequined vests and top hats performing a choreographed routine, in their carts (all shiny chrome and highly polished) and golden NO - illuminated pogo sticks swinging in concentric circles to the tune of "Putting on the Ritz."

Jazz hands boys, jazz hands!!

Heidi the Hick said...

Why are you going to Walmart? Stop that! No good can come of it!!

Dorko said...

lol...
Deffinately something unusual about that guy...
RE: his transport - I think 'his means of ambulation' speaks to character, I can see the feature film version now....
"Master and Commander: The Far Side of the WallyMart World"

CruiserMel said...

So wrong on many levels. "No, Joey, I can't play today - I have to push Dad at WalMart."

CruiserMel said...

So wrong on many levels. "No, Joey, I can't play today - I have to push Dad at WalMart."

Shoshana said...

There's a lot of interesting things happening at Wal-Mart. I say that everyone should go to Wal-Mart for a late night run. It's more expensive that a movie, but at least if it's a really sucky night, you got something for your money other than half a stub of a ticket for a crappy film you've just seen.

Isn't the cart much better and pleasant to look at rather than...
a grown man double-amputee pulling himself up and down the aisle with his hands.

What am I saying, he won't be pulling anything, dragging his body but the fingernails would be more accurate.

Memphis Steve said...

I wouldn't trust my family not to leave me in women's underwear and just wander off. I'd rather have a trailer hitch on the back of a wheelchair and some means of attaching the cart. Then you can just granny shoot your items backwards into the cart.

Jenni said...

This is EXACTLY why I refuse to set foot in Wal-mart.

Well, that and the fact that the store is one HUGE cluster-f*ck.

Yes, amputees in shopping carts and vast disorganization keep me from saving a dollar fifty on my laundry detergent. Frankly I'd pay ten dollars more NOT to have to go there.

P.S. If I ever loose both of my legs and my family decies that a Wal-mart shopping cart would be my best mode of transportation, I'm opening fire during their blue-light special...Wait...that's KMART isn't it?

Nevermind.

Mo said...

There's never a let down when walking through walmart. It's like that time when I saw a woman with saggy boobs, fat belly, and an EYE PATCH wearing a shirt that had "Flirt" written on it.

Amandarama said...

Wow.

I don't want to be Stump McShoppingcart. I've decided.

Nope.

Oh great One said...

Ah Walmart. The best place for people watching.

Stepping Over the Junk said...

walmart needs to buck up and get some of those little electronic wheel chair things with a basket like MOST grocery stores, Target and Kmart have.

I can't stop laughing at the idea of someone (you) seeing this guy in the cart!

mist1 said...

After this post, I am pretty sure that we'll be neighbors in Hell.

See you later, neighbor!

Ari said...

That IS odd. Also, I channeled you for a bit over at my place recently. Just FYI.

Elaine said...

I'm sitting here picturing how he doesn't topple over. I mean, no legs, is the bottom flat or slightly rounded? if it is slightly rounded you would think his family would have strapped him in...would the strap fit around him? Don't they have complimentary wheelchairs at wal-mart? why did they use those...

god I'm going to be up all night.

Spinning Girl said...

There's just no dignity in being "rolled along".

Jeannie said...

Hmmm. Canada must be different. All our interesting people are downtown - not Walmart. But that would be freaky - why didn't they have a wheelchair for the guy? What does he do at home? Or were there too many in the car to put the chair in? I'd have had to ask.

Damsel Underdressed said...

After your initial shock, your first thought was, "That is going to be my next post." Wasn't it?

I hate Walmart but it does have some entertainment value. Although, it is more like a trainwreck. You just can't stop looking.

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Christie said...

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Go to my blog to pick up the nomination button!
Let the games begin!

The Kept Woman said...

It's true, this kind of stuff is never seen at Macy's or Dillard's.

Did they not have a motorized cart? There are always tons of old, ummmmmm, metabolism-challenged people in our Wal-Mart buzzing around in those damn things.

Webmiztris said...

and you didn't take pics? good LORD, man, I'm dying to see this oddity!!!!

Scottsdale Girl said...

THIS is the reason I got me a newfangled camera phone - secret squirrel pictures! ALthough I haven't even mastered a decent self portrait yet...

Just telling it like it is said...

I know isn't Wal-mart Fabulous...I go there often for entertainment..

Chick said...

Damn right that's the only place you'd ever see something like that...Walmart is on of the weirdest places on Earth...truly.

Irene said...

By any chance, was his family rolling him along the chicken legs section? :p

jerrster said...

WalMart killed the traveling freekshow.

Bennet said...

This kind of reminded me of Eddie Murphy being a homeless guy pretending to not have legs in Trading Places...

Could be worse. He could be a bum rolling around on his knuckles.

jali said...

I'm going to hell 'cause I can't stop laughing.

There's a cartoon about the guy with no limbs - I thought about it immediately - have you seen it?

Shit - less funny tomorrow please. I need my job.

ARM said...

"Having no legs is fine."

This about made me piss myself for some reason.

Dayngr said...

You just crack me up...

Buffy said...

You're soooo bad.....

Mom of Three said...

One thing I noticed about Wal-Mart is that people always beat the crap out of their kids there. More than any of the other stores, combined. And they'll beat them with anything, whatever's on the rack near them--coffeemakers, whatever.