3/14/2007

Bull-etins

  • If you looked up "musical genius" in the encyclopedia, you'd find a picture of Prince. Hopefully it's not one of him wearing those assless pants he wore at the Grammy's.


  • I'm working on a scientific theory. I don't have all the math worked out yet, but the gist of it is this: If you burp, sneeze and break wind simultaneously, your torso will collapse from negative internal pressure. Here's something else regarding the above phenomenon. Should it happen in the vicinity of onlookers, they'll have to "God-bless" you and ask you to excuse yourself, creating a time-etiquette paradox.
  • I just bought the book, “Freakonomics.” I thought it was an expose on what unscrupulous women and weirdos will do for money. But I found out it's a statistics book with a bunch of science and sociology junk. Let the buyer beware.
  • I don't have many friends. It's a good thing I'm already married. If I had to get married today, I'd have to rent friends to pair with the bridesmaids. Yes, I need 6 tuxedos for the evening of the 22nd. Tell me, my good man – do you have any friends that come with those? Money is no object.
  • Awhile ago, a girl told me, “LBB, you're so conceited.” I set her straight. “No, I'm really not. You're just making a generalization because I'm so good-looking and fun to be around.”
  • The greatest thing about being a pessimist is, you're so delighted to learn you're wrong.
  • Satires such as 1984, Animal Farm and Brave New World are supposed to be cautionary tales. But so many of our politicians use them instead as instruction manuals!
  • Get this. My employer has compelled me to attend anger management classes. And just because a few passersby overheard me calling my computer a “silicon-based cocksucker.” Lighten up, for God's sake.

46 comments:

themuttprincess said...

Luv it!

I gotsa get me some of those butt-less pants!!!

CruiserMel said...

Has anyone asked you to donate your brain to science?

Shoshana said...

LOL.

Pessimist...wouldn't that make you and oxymoron then? A delighted pessimist?

OldHorsetailSnake said...

But not as good looking as me, or as much fun to be around. Hardly anybody is. Maybe nobody. This is not ego; this is just fact.

mist1 said...

I know a guy that used to rent friends. They used to go to a motel room on his lunch hour and "talk."

Heather said...

Really? They're making you go to anger management classes? I mean, who doesn't call their computer a silicon-based cocksucker?

Christina_the_wench said...

I call my computer worst things than that and I throw things at it. Scoot over.

NWJR said...

I've seen some bridesmaids I wouldn't mind renting, ifyouknowwhatImean.

Violet said...

Very astute observation about how many politicians model their platforms after satirical literature. Just wait 'til they start thinking on their own!

Matilda Jane said...

Did you get that pessimism thing from an Everybody Loves Raymond rerun?

Queen of Dysfunction said...

I'm so glad you posted that photo of Prince. I was about to wear the same exact thing to a charity function this weekend.

Whew! You just saved me from being photographed by some obnoxious People photographer so that Joan and Melissa Rivers could cackle at my having the same stuff as Prince. I owe you one.

Irreverent Antisocial Intellectual said...

I hate to tell you this but anger management classes will totally piss you off and put you over the edge.
Mine was led by this new agey woman who wanted to me to breathe funky and create some bullshit happy place in my mind.
Good thing they made me check my gun before entering that room.

Mo said...

I tried to read Animal Farm my freshman year of High School. I didn't get it. Seriously. You wanna know why? Because I had no friggin idea what the cold war was. I was such an idiot.

jali said...

"Satires such as 1984, Animal Farm and Brave New World are supposed to be cautionary tales. But so many of our politicians use them instead as instruction manuals!"


Outstanding!!!!!

jules said...

You an angry pessimist? Nah. Just a realist.

Oh great One said...

Management classes? You must be moving up in the world! ;)

Just telling it like it is said...

Wow...I haven't see ass pants like that in a while...like ummmm last week..
You know my boyfriend appeases all my crazy sexual turn ons

Rach said...

As my lap top shut down spontaneously for the third time in an hour, silicon based cocksucker was mild compared to the torrent of abuse I gave mine. Still that's the privacy of your own home for you!

Lyvvie said...

Wow. Those are...assless pants. Pantssuit to be precise. I can check that off my list of things never seen before now.

I think you should tell your boss you don't need anger management; you need rehab. Isn't that what they do now-a-days for saying such things? Rehab should at least have private rooms and a sauna. Just be lucky the computer doesn't file a sexual harassment case against you.

tfg said...

Anger management classes for that?? Those cocksuckers.

tornwordo said...

Someone has a hair across their ass today, and it ain't Prince,lol.

Superstar said...

So your PC (Personal Computer)Might have been offended? So PC (Politically correct) of your company!!

My lord those pants are simply WRONG!!!! Wrong I tell you..WRONG!

Conceited or Confident??? HMMMM tis the question that we should all really be talkin' about. Fine line...Fine line...~watches LBB hind end as he walks away, saying UMMM HMMMMM~

Miss Cellania said...

At least those pants are being worn by someone with a nice butt! I missed the Grammys.

Janet said...

Oh God, you don't realize how true to life the whole "rent an usher thing" might be for my fiance right now! LOL

Raggedy said...

ROFL...
Hahahaha!
I read the last line on anger mananagement to hubby and now he is laughing too....
He said your boss would not want to come anywhere near where he works they would all be in jail.
Thank you.
Happy St.Patrick's Day!
Huggles

Fathairybastard said...

You know, no one on the web is as reliably hilarious as you are. Freaks me out. The "time-etiquette paradox", and a "silicon based cocksucker"? Yer killin' me. What fuckin' drugs are you on? I've heard both good and bad things about "Freakanomics". One thing, more kids die every year from backyard pools than guns. Wanna make kids safer, ban pools.

Spinning Girl said...

Sometimes I go to the grocery store in nothing but a coat.

That has nothing to do with anything you wrote, but I thought you should know.

Dave Morris said...

A silicon-based cocksucker and a silicone-based cocksucker are two different things. One you can get at Best Buy, the other you have to go to one of those upscale stores on the exits of major interstates with the huge "ADULT" signs to buy.

Heidi the Hick said...

You're so modest, too!

Flea's Thoughts said...

Thanks for the visual, had forgotten all about the assless pants!!

Oh and thanks for the heads up on Freakonomics, I was actually going to buy the book!!!

Trevor Record said...

I'm with you on the pessimist point. Most optimists tend to think that we want bad things to happen. We know that we're just being realistic, and setting ourselves up for pleasant surprises when we are wrong.

Jay said...

Thanks for the heads up on the Freakenomics dude. I would hate to waste my money.

Nölff said...

They will teach you how to meditate at anger management. I know from experience. They will try yo turn you into a hippy.

Bennet said...

heheheh...I would have laughed. These people need some kind of "get a life: management program..

That photo of Prince's ass...makes me wonder if it was clean, and whether he left poop stains every where he sat...I need to think of something different..FAST!

Enemy of the Republic said...

I'll be your friend, rent free.

I love Prince, but not his ass. He thinks too highly of his lower parts.

gusgreeper said...

oh where to begin. i have anger management every friday at 5 called therapy and i take prescribed drugs but you know that so i'll move on...thankfully we kept our wedding very small, i had a maid of honor only and the whole thing was still a pain in my ass. i would never get married again ever. thankfully i enjoy my husband a lot. i know i know....talk to you in a few years right?
ps. i also enjoy when i fart and burp in really close time proximity.

gusgreeper said...

DAMN i forgot to say i think that is the first picture you have had on here since you had your book over your privates....???

Ben O. said...

BTW - The Gap was all out of those sexy ass-less pants. Anyone know where I can pick up a pair?

I'm just curious is all . . .

Ben O.

C said...

Hopefull they won't use Fahrenheit 451 as a guide to keeping Americans in the dark. Next they'll take our computers away.

Riss said...

Hahaha oh my God I am crying over you in anger-management classes.

Anyway, if you want I'll slap on a tux and go be in your fake wedding!

Melanie said...

a conceited pessimist that needs anger management.

wow, yea. you are a friend magnet. :wink:

CP said...

I love assless pants.

Just sayin'.

CP.

April said...

i'm always delighted to learn i'm wrong.

too bad it rarely happens.

;-)

Clint Punch said...

Chuck Norris has a pair of assless pants. He uses them every now and then to remind himself to never listen to Prince.

I'm interested in linking to you, boy!

Ari said...

Wow, I missed that anger management edict.... how precious and PC of your employer. Is it worried about being sued by your PC, which may attain sentience one day soon?

Memphis Steve said...

"Satires such as 1984, Animal Farm and Brave New World are supposed to be cautionary tales. But so many of our politicians use them instead as instruction manuals!"

Absolutely true!