3/09/2007

Bullet-ins

  • Many people admire the Native American Indian and suggest we should live more like they did – in harmony with Mother Earth and all. I agree. Our first step should be to equip slaughterhouse workers with bows and arrows.
  • I went to high school with a Mexican guy who spoke Spanish fluently. We took Spanish class together. I got a B. He flunked. How the hell does a Mexican flunk Spanish, for Christ's sake? I might understand if he flunked English. But Spanish? That's like a broad flunking Home Ec. I felt it was my duty as a gringo to ridicule him for flunking Spanish. No se habla Espanol o Ingles, vato. Plus, I was bitter about his lack of aptitude. I figured a Mexcian would be a great guy to sit next to and cheat off of (yes, I know I just ended the last two sentences with 3 prepositions. Save your scorn for the Mexican who flunked Spanish, if you please). After all, when you're in algebra, you sit next to the Chinese kid. You know his test answers are correct.
  • I saw a news hotlink the other day that read, “841-pound woman dies of heart attack.” Shocking, isn't it, that an 841-lb. Person would die of a heart attack? But here's the real shocker: she was 19 miles into a marathon when she collapsed. Until then she was holding a 5-minute mile pace!
  • Conservatives aren't as virtuous as they think. Liberals aren't as smart as they think.
  • You probably know about the Hillary Clinton-Barack Obama standoff for the Democratic primary. This political race is a microcosm for future politics: a bunch of nervous white guys watching a white woman duke it out with a minority male, all the while rooting for whoever will seek the least vengeance. Go Obama!
  • We admire selfless people. I'm not so sure. Suicide bombers are selfless.
  • They should wire Amber Alert freeway signs to work with asshole drivers when there's no kids missing. Warning: handicapped cellphone user in Ford Taurus driving 48 mph in far left lane.”
  • I wouldn't wipe my ass with a rice cake, let alone consume it.
  • There's a town in Arizona named “Surprise.” Surprise, AZ. You want to know what the surprise is? Most of the township's elected officials are transvestites. Surprise – there's a beanbag and tube-steak underneath that dress! Also in Arizona, there's a retirement community named Youngtown. I wonder if there's a city in China whose name translates to “Tallville.”
  • I recently saw Jimmy Walker doing a cameo appearance on television. He's gained weight. How much weight? Well, it looks like he finally grew into those lips.
  • You can't go wrong being humble. When you miss the mark, nobody expected much anyway. And on those occasions you exceed your humble reputation, it makes the achievement that much more spectacular. A humble attitude is the ultimate expression of the adage, under-promise and over-deliver.
  • What the hell happened to Latigo Flint?

36 comments:

Heidi the Hick said...

I personally think Latigo Flint would be a great name for a romance novel hero.

Seriously Bug, what the heck happened to YOUR blog?????

Katherine said...

God Damn you are funny. I think you pretty much managed to offend every race/creed/gender with that post, so I guess it all equals out in the end. Note to self: Don't bring best dresses to Surprise, AZ. They'll probably get stolen.

Irreverent Antisocial Intellectual said...

Holy shit. I'm so letting you live in my world.

Susan as herself said...

Man, I would give ANYTHING to have those highway alert signs you mentioned. ANYTHING.

ARM said...

I always end my sentences in prepositions. And I've always been docked for it on my papers.

NWJR said...

I always end my propositions with prepositions. "Hey baby, I'm taking a trip down under...wanna come with?"

mist1 said...

I got an A in Spanish. I can say:

1. Please, more beer.
2. Excuse me Sir, I believe that's my bra.
3. Can you tell me how to get to the pharmacy.
4. I think I have crabs.

Trevor Record said...

Libertarians, meanwhile, are every bit as wonderful as they think.

As for Latigo Flint, I can confirm that the creator is still alive but the character may be gutshot and left for dead.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

You used to think I was Latigo. I wasn't that smart. I miss him, too. Strange....

Elaine said...

hee. You said tube steak.

and beanbag.

hee.

I love to yell "beans!" in Spanish just for the hell of it.

Frrrrijolleeesssss!!!!

Oh great One said...

Whoda thunk he would flunk spanish. He shoulda been copying you!

dawn said...

I wouldn't recommend trying to wipe your ass with a rice cake. That would end poorly.

Raggedy said...

Great post!
Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=':'=) hugs
(")_ (")Š from
the Cool Raggedy one

Mom of Three said...

Latigo Flint is da bomb. He's all that and a bag of chips. That cat's pajamas.

Not ALL Native American tribes were "exemplary." Some raided all the earth-loving peaceful ones, stole their women and scalped their warriors. Personally, if al Qaeda had done videotaped scalpings, people might have taken them seriously.

Suicide bombers are not, technically, selfless. They think they're getting something. 72 somethings, as a matter of fact. There's a percieved payoff, methinks.

Use of Amber Alert signs in the off season: Genius. Hope they put the butthole that sheared off my side view mirror and left it in the parking lot up there first.

I also went to high school with a Mexican named Hector who failed Spanish. Just cause you can speak it, don't mean you can read or write it, apparently.

tornwordo said...

Didn't you know? Now we teach that it is perfectly fine to end with a preposition. Otherwise your sentence would be "(he) would be a great guy next to whom to sit and off of whom to cheat." Rolls right of the tongue don't it? ; )

Queen of Dysfunction said...

And here I was thinking that the oddest thing about the Clinton-Obama thing was his maternal relative's ownership of slaves.

Weary Hag said...

Excellent material, LBB.
But I would think the over-promise and under delivery provides the greater entertainment. No?
You know, like the guy who drives a cadu or a hummer then drops his drawers only to make the woman feel like she's the early bird. Think about it for a moment.

C said...

okay no that fat woman could not have been holding a 5 minute mile. I can't do that and I weigh a fraction of her weight. Was this a downhill marathon where you gather speed faster if you roll down?

Amandarama said...

I had a student who was ESL. Spanish was his first language. However, all he could do was speak it. He was dyslexic and had no clue about grammar. He couldn't read above a 5th grade level. We ended up having to waive his foreign language requirement so he could graduate.

I have no idea how he passed MCAS (the required state standardized tests needed to graduate).

Janet said...

I don't know. Think about it. How many white dudes do you know that flunk English each year? A Mexican might say the same thing. Just because you speak it, doesn't mean you speak it well, comprende?:)

Shoshana said...

Broad flanking Home Ec? You'd be surprised. It takes all kind.

I didn't flank, but only because I threatened my teacher that I'd make another soup if I don't pass the stupid class.

I set our Home Ec kitchen on fire. Just so you know, I wasn't that stupid...only in Home Ec. I did managed to bag the Valedectorian thingy...just really not smart when it comes to making food.

The Kept Woman said...

I firmly believe that rice cakes are postage stamps reincarnated.

Violet said...

i almost didn't graduate from high school because i almost flunked "foods" class. but only because the teacher was a (insert favorite expletive here) and i refused to do the paperwork that she gave us!

Webmiztris said...

i really like your Asshole Alert idea. so what do we have to do to put that into effect? let's get moving!

Scottsdale Girl said...

Ah Surprise, AZ. The center of the universe ain't it?

I miss Latigo Flint too.

Superstar said...

I live in PHX and never knew about the "surprise" in Surprise!! Kind of makes me want to go check it out! LOL :o)

Learn something new each day...Thank you!

I firmly agree on the driver/Amber alert...Althought, they would be posting about me...Saidly I am a multitasker. Gifted, but true. I am the one talking on my hands free set, curling my eyelashes and applying Mascera while operating a motor vehicle. OH but I do it all with out looking...except driving of course. Eyes on the road...Just my handss aren't always on the wheel...Anyway...That is me. ;o)

CruiserMel said...

Oh shit, I thought when you said Jimmy Walker that you actually said Johnny Walker and frankly, anyone who drinks scotch and walks with a little dapper suit and a cane shouldn't be fat. Whew. I was going to be so disappointed. Instead - I just think it's funny that the beanpole has packed a few pounds on. Is he up to 125 yet?

Flea's Thoughts said...

Funny as always!!! I have missed this while I have been away from blogs :)

Riss said...

"This political race is a microcosm for future politics: a bunch of nervous white guys watching a white woman duke it out with a minority male, all the while rooting for whoever will seek the least vengeance. Go Obama!"

I'm dying hahaha!!! Democrats are thinking "Surely there must be someone else... how about that guy working the service station over there?"

Miss Cellania said...

I pity the fool that copies my Chinese daughter's math! And my worst grade in high school was in Home Ec... the grade that cost me the Valedictorian title. I could cook and sew fine, but she busted me for being a smartass.

jali said...

Aww. C'mon. How many US born English speaking kids are failing English?

Christina_the_wench said...

Jose Cuervo. All the Spanish you need.

And did you say 'broad' up there??
*smacks him hard*

Beth said...

a "bean-bag and tube steak"....that'a new one. I love how you offend people but don't really offend people, know what I mean? you say the things that everyone else is thinking but too afraid to say outloud. LOVE THAT!!!!

BCOL said...

"After all, when you're in algebra, you sit next to the Chinese kid. You know his test answers are correct."

Only if he or his parents immigrated here. Once you get to 4th & 5th generation, you get twinkie-fied.

Dave Morris said...

Rice cakes make great table-levelers. That's about it. Just don't let it get wet.

I was wondering the same thing about Latty. I miss him terribly, in a completely heterosexual way.

And Weary Hag, SOME of us Hummer drivers don't have tiny peni. (plural for penis?)

Berlinbound said...

Latigo Flint?

Who is s/he?

Where is s/he?

Why did s/he leave no trace?

Are you LF?