4/26/2007

Random thoughts

  • Hugh Grant assaulted a photographer by hurling a can of baked beans at him. The flavor of baked beans? Heinz Divine Brown.
  • In Europe, they sell gasoline for $7 per gallon. We should bomb them just for that.
  • You've probably seen the commercial with this couple. It's for a herpes medication. Anyway, the guy has herpes. The girls doesn't. And they're "trying to keep it that way." The commercial implies their relationship is sexual, naturally. This must be the most understanding girl in the world! Most women complain when you leave the toilet seat down. This lady is willing to play Russian Penis Roulette with Captain Dripdick and share it with the television-viewing world.
  • If I had it to do over again, I'd have 4 children and name them each after a direction on the compass: North, West, East and South. Then I'd psychologically torture them with adages like, “Don't you and your brothers ever grow apart,” and “Don't let anybody else choose your direction in life.”
  • When traveling, I've wondered about the sheriff working the speed trap in the middle of nowhere. One, where does he go to the bathroom? Two, where does he go on his lunch break? And three, is the destination of the speed trap ever so far that by the time he drives there, it's time to turn around and drive home?
  • I know a guy who used to work the copper mines. He told me the workers had to ride a mining train for 2 hours into the mines to get to the work site. Then, at the end of the day, another two hours back. That means every workday you spent 4 hours on your butt. I thought to myself, I want to be a miner.
  • I saw a guy wearing a tee shirt that read, “I'll sleep when I'm dead.” I said to him, “Evidently, you'll take the time to be a douche bag while you're still alive.”
  • You've all heard of “the long arm of the law.” Few, however, have heard of the “long 2nd and 3rd fingers of the proctologist.”
  • Here's another thing I wonder about: How did names like “Cooter,” “Boner,” “Big Pussy” and “BJ” make it through network editors and into some of our favorite TV shows? They were really pressing their luck with the Dick Van Dyke show.
  • Speaking of cooter, beards used to be in style. Nowadays it's more of a goatee.
  • I heard a doctor on the radio advising how to get a good night's sleep. You should avoid 4 things close to bedtime: heavy meals, heavy exercise, alcohol and caffeine. I often have all four of those thing on board when I go to bed and I sleep like a baby.
  • I admire the American work ethic. But when the new drug in this country is sleep, I think we need to question our priorities.
  • We've become too political. Here in my town, a candidate for county dog catcher had his private investigator dig up dirt on his opponent, who allegedly molested a German Shepard back in 1987.
  • If reincarnation is true, I hope I come back as a form of plant life. All you have to do is stand around in the sun and enjoy nature. Plus, unlike animals, nobody is trying to eat you (sure, if you come back as a rutabaga or a potato or something, you're screwed. But most forms of plant life are inedible.). However, you reproduce by pumping pollen into the air or dropping seeds. Animals get to have sex. That's got to be more fun. But then again, shooting pollen might be a plant's form of masturbation, and we all enjoy that.
  • This anti-junkfood campaign has me worried. One day you'll walk into a 7-Eleven and they'll have carrots and celery stalks rolling around in the hotdog rotisserie. And the soda fountain will have various brands of bottled water.

24 comments:

Mo said...

Captain Dripdick??? Holy shit. lol

Hammer said...

lol! Yeah that comercial creeps me out, I half expect his pecker to bust through his pants like some slimy monster from Aliens and infect someones face.

Oh great One said...

I've seen that commercial! It gives me the creeps!

Scottsdale Girl said...

Why not come back as a dog or cat? Most of the world would not be trying to eat you.

Nölff said...

Dude Herpes scares the bejesus outa me... and why does everyone have to be all PC about it? Why can't we just call it cooties?

Violet said...

i'm right there with you on the designation of 'douche bag' for the guy with the shirt. that guy, and the guy who wears a shirt advertising 'moustache rides.' yeah, he's a douche bag, too.

jali said...

Really missed you lbb! Good stuff.

ARM said...

You're back!

The first time I saw that herpes commercial, I had to rewind the TiVo just so I could make sure that I heard it correctly. I did. I hate herpes commercials.

Peter said...

When you say you sleep like a baby Bugs, does that you wake up every two hours screaming your tits off?? I'm just askin'.

Ari said...

Yeah, I've noticed that commercial too. It must be true love to put up with that shit.

mist1 said...

I haven't heard the word "boner" in years. Not even on TV.

Michelle said...

You sleep like a baby? I have often wondered how you sleep at all with all of those ramdom thoughs running amuck through your brain. How do you turn them off?

NWJR said...

...And the soda fountain will have various brands of bottled water.

For the love of God, LBB, don't give these people any ideas.

Jenny! said...

One of my new favorite words is cooter, my fiance says that alot and now it has stuck. You are pretty funny! Thanks for reading my blog!

Miss Cellania said...

I've not seen any of those shows, bt I've never even heard of Boner and Big Pssy!

tornwordo said...

I'd want to come back as a tree.

And that 7eleven prophecy is frightening.

nettie said...

Sure you don't have herpes, lady? I know we'd hate for you to find out the hard way...

phlegmfatale said...

That was SO true about the celery and carrot sticks at the 7-11. Pretty soon you won't be able to buy or have anything you like to eat.

jsfive- buya a'cliate said...

Reincarnated as a plant-good? Did you forget about the hunters that use leaves/plants to wipe their ass? That would be a "stinky" situation for any plant.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

What you mean, "If reincarnation is true"??? Of course it's true. It just takes guys like you and me who are believers to believe it's so, and it will be so. I don't know what I'm planning to come back as, but it won't be anything as passive as a plant. Maybe the 8-ball. Or the 9-ball. They get a lot of respect.

sikamikanico said...

You sleep like a baby...so, you wake up screaming every 20 minutes, then wet yourself? :P

Webmiztris said...

ha! that herpes ad cracks me up. I wonder how much that guy got paid to 'act' like he has herpes. it can't possibly be enough. I'd hate to be recognized as the Herpes Guy (or Girl).

Janet said...

Exercise tapes are constantly reminding us to breathe. I don't know about you, but when someone starts to emphasize how important remembering to breathe is, I feel like I MUST be doing something wrong. How can you mess something like that up? I must be missing something.

Chrissie said...

*L* I've commented on the same commercial... I don't care who the guy is... herpes? yeah... no thanks, move along thanks.

And the plant thing... hmm... it would be my luck to come back as the bush in my front yard that every dog in the neigborhood sees fit to shit and or piss all over. No thank you.

I'd like to come back as a cat maybe... lay in the sun on the bed/couch/chair all day... be stroked and fed... but again with my luck i'd have some snot nosed shit tie a firecracker to my tail.. be shooed from the garbage cans and be forced by some Tom to bear his litters every 6 months until i die! (again)

Can I just be dead?