5/01/2007

3-drink mini bar

Breathe

Why are people reminding me to “breathe?” Moreover, why are they telling me how to breathe? “We've forgotten how to breathe effectively. Take deep, slow breaths from the abdomen.”

Nonsense. Every one of us has breathed since the doctor cracked us on our baby asses. Breathing is a physiological function. It's automatic, and we're all good at it (except David Hasselhoff, who's too busy sucking in his gut for Baywatch fans). This “breathe” motto is more New Age crackpot buffoonery.

Next, they'll tell I'm no good at defecating, despite having done that all my life (except for 5 days after a fondue cheese incident back in 1998). I dread the day advocates encourage us to defecate. Some hippie's Prius will feature a “defecate” bumpersticker. New Age gurus will instruct me to “bear down with deep, abdominal squeezes and propel the turd downward all the way from your diaphram.”

We all know how to breathe, dammit!


Gearheads

You don't see as many gearheads as you used to. The reason is, muscle cars are disappearing. Two decades of rice-burners have driven the old muscle cars to near-extinction. When I was in high school, a 20-year-old car was manufactured in the 1960s. Keeping a car around for 20 years is no big deal. Therefore you had plenty of 1960s muscle cars in the 1980s. I had one myself. But 20 more years have passed. Now, muscle cars would have had to survived 40 years. That's a tall order. Consequently, not many people own muscle cars anymore. No muscle cars, no gearheads. Now all we have are the Fast-and-Furious-Fags with their rice-burners and their barbwire arm tattoos and their perfect hairdos. Instead of calling new sports cars “rice-burners,” we should call them “hair gel-burners.” Or better yet, “fag wagons.”


Blowing the Red Light

Every so often we drivers slow down at a yellow light for fear of blowing the red light, only to see somebody in the next lane zip through. Often, they were even farther back than us, yet they still blow the light -- and nothing bad happens. Then, while we sit and wait, we watch that maniac drive merrily down the street. Nothing makes me feel like a bigger chump than that. We could have blown the light, too, if only we were man enough, like that one guy. No cops in sight. I'm such a chump!

I like to make myself feel better by calling the police on my cell phone and reporting the guy who blew the light, giving the car's make, model and license plate, and mentioning that in addition to the driver's recklessness, I may have seen him brandishing a firearm. With any luck, I'll see that same driver ahead, on the side of the road, being beaten by police nightsticks. Who's the chump now?

27 comments:

Scottsdale Girl said...

Hate that when someone blows the redlight. Fortunately here in the A to the Z we have those pesky coparrazzi cams at the intersections. :) Bastards.

jules said...

Fag wagons....hahaha.
Love it.

Jenny! said...

Isn't being a chump sweet when someone gets the shit knocked out of them! I bet that red light runner didn't have defication problems!

MrZhisou said...

Why not get a fake police light and stick it on your car for those times, then you get to scare the crap out of them.

Jeannie said...

They are already onto the defecating advice. Apparently, sitting on the toilet is not the correct position at all. We should be squatting. They sell some apparatus that fits over the toilet so you can squat effectively.
No shit.

I don't run the yellow if I can help it. I've seen too many accidents at the corner where I work. Cars turned right over. A real mess. I try to leave the yellows for those turning left.

mist1 said...

I'd be so embarrassed if someone caught me blowing at the light. I just try to keep my head down.

Nölff said...

My Dad had to get rid of his transmission businiess because everyone gets their cars fixed through the dealership.

Mechanics are endangered.

Oh great One said...

I love it when I pull up next to the guy who ran the red light at the next light! All the while I'm thinking "Didn't do you much good now did it punk!"

NWJR said...

At least Volkswagen had the sense to re-introduce the Beetle so we could all play "slug bug". I'd miss that.

ARM said...

You have no idea how many times I have wanted to call the cops when people do that shit. Or when they pass you on a 2 lane highway when you're already going 5 miles over the speed limit - they want to go 15 over apparently.

I miss muscle cars.

Ari said...

I only call the cops when homeless people stand in the middle of the road and block traffic. Sorry, pseudo-Santa, I know it's Christmas, but your ass is gonna be roadkill.

Laurie said...

i only run the red when my husband is sitting in the passenger seat and i know someone is ready to head right for me. good times. good times.

Peter said...

You would need a trunk full of cash to gas up a muscle car today.

melanie said...

conscious breathing is just a way for you to slow down that WAY overactive mind. i don't even want to know about your defecation:giggles:

muscle cars... sighs. I was always a fan of sports cars. mustang, cobra, spider, porsche. not so much the monte carlo, or the dusters.

*hands LB a police whistle and a megaphone for red lights*

Blogarita said...

Our next door neighbors have "fag wagons". They think they're bad, but how can you be with a car that sounds like it's powered by a rubber band?

Webmiztris said...

I can so relate to the 'blowing the red light' story. I hate that!

tornwordo said...

Oh my god, did you see what jeannie said? I'm shaking my head now, we're pooping wrong - that must be why I don't feel GOOD all the time. Incredible.

And I know you would never do that third thing. A childish fantasy, albeit a rich satisfying one.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

You wouldn't really call the cops, would you? Yeah, I didn't think so.....

broadwaybabe said...

i tottally get what you mean about the breathing thing. heloo i can breath.i had a voice teacher tell me i was breathing wrong once.i said "i was not!" but tried
her way any way and was alot louder.

Memphis Steve said...

They already did the defecation bumper-stickers, don't you remember? "Shit happens." Yeah, those were fun.

I still have a musclecar. I say 'still', but in reality I went to a lot of trouble to get it well after getting my degree and a job that paid me enough to afford the damned thing. It sits in my garage and drips tranny fluid on my nice concrete floor. I have to keep a cover on it because every time my wife opens the garage door, some redneck comes skidding up in the driveway, leaps out, and runs into the garage to try to hump it. Seriously.

I LOVE the label "fag wagons." That needs to a T-shirt or something. Of course, it's a Hate Crime now.

And now I know who got me arrested last time I blew the light. Dammit!

Dave Morris said...

Muscle cars - Ahhh, love them. I just bought a "somewhat muscular" car, a Chrysler 300 srt8 with a 425 hp hemi. Quarter mile in 12 seconds or so. Nice...

Blowing the red light - I am so bad about that. I always blow the light. Always.

Breathing - yeah, I know how to do that, too. I'm looking for ideas on new ways to masturbate, I wonder if anyone has that kind of advice for me.

Sassy Blondie said...

The red light blower is the same fucker who can't stay in his own lane when talking on his fucking cell phone. Cell phones have become the new heroine! Fucking addicts everywhere!

Penis Roulette with Captain Dripdick? OMG! Hilarious!

Shoshana said...

Bugs Butt, it might be that same people who are reminding us to "breath right" are the related to people who gave us 5-minutes work-out to the buffed body they always show to TV.

We have safelight in Dallas and I think they're charging 75 bucks for running it, and if you don't pay within 4 weeks, it goes to 100. Someone borrowed my car and run the light...they have video and date, so it's kind of cool.

BV said...

Jesus H. Christ, anonymous.

Christ on a bike I totally forgot what I was going to say.

randommoments said...

I totally pretend to write people's license plate numbers down when they cut me off or do something equally offending. But, I have never called the authorities.

Now who's the chump. *sigh*

Chrissie said...

LOL! I'm new here but i'll definitely be back!

LOL I work in the car industry and i'm still laughing at fag-wagon!

Mama en Fuego said...

(except for 5 days after a fondue cheese incident back in 1998)


ROFLAMO!!!! that's some funny shit ( no pun intended)