6/16/2007

Bullet-ins

Minorities and females don’t realize what a blast it is to be a white, heterosexual male. Sure, they suspect we enjoy certain privileges, but they don’t know the half of it. The best perk is, at our secret meetings they hand out “White Male Hetero” laminated business cards. You get 10% off at Kohl’s when you show it to the cashier.
• I have a superhuman ability to attract women. Those poor ladies who fall victim to it don't stand a chance. The only problem is, 99.99982% of the female population has the gene that gives them complete immunity to my powers. To them, I’m just a mildly annoying douche bag with poor fashion sense.
• Why can’t they give you a suntan tattoo over your entire body? They could call it the TANtoo.
• Everybody has some innate talent -- something they can do extraordinarily well. My talent appears to be the ability to produce mediocre results in everything I try.
• It would be fun if somebody discovered huge oil reserves in Darfur. I’d enjoy watching everybody who demanded us to go suddenly insist we not swap “blood for oil” and that we should respect a “sovereign nation.” On the other hand, all the people who didn’t give a damn about the suffering there would suddenly want to become the world’s heroes.
• When I eat Skittles, Tootsie Rolls or other candies, I want to savor them by letting them slowly dissolve in my mouth. But I always give way to temptation. I bite into them. I can’t resist. I have to taste all that deliciousness at once. Please don’t read anything into this; I’m not a premature ejaculator.
• Remember when Mike Tyson bit Evander Holyfield’s ear? I’m surprised some opportunistic chocolateer didn’t introduce the world to Evander Holyfield Giant Chocolate Ears. Available in milk and dark chocolate.
Guys are becoming bigger pussies with time. Genetic experts predict that within 2 generations, 25% of men will secrete styling gel from their hair follicles – and Axe Body Spray from their pubic regions.

32 comments:

Peter said...

Please don’t read anything into this; I’m not a premature ejaculator.
Hi Bugs, why did you feel the need to share this with us?????
Now that "Mac" has finally caught up and can read simple little blogs like mine please go back and sign the guest book... photo too please.

Fathairybastard said...

Well damn, I NEVER get here without about 40 commenters gettin' here ahead of me. And where the hell have you been? Our world has been a darker and more sinister place in your hiatus. And I lost my card. Think I dropped it at the beer stand at the Barry White concert in '78. No telling who's usin' it now. Barack Obama?

tornwordo said...

Love the bullets, but what's up with the last six weeks? I can't help biting into the skittles either.

Miss Cellania said...

Glad to see you back on with the funnies! You seem to be doing really well with that attracting women thing.... But oil in Darfur wouldn't change a thing, since its the government against the citizens, split along racial lines.

Janet said...

I was thinking up something like this for tanning just the other day. Only mine had a slight variation. I want to make sure that tanning lotion is applied evenly, so I suggest a black light be used in conjunction with applying. This way you can see for sure if you missed a spot. It would make for much more even tans and a lot less pain, depending on the type of lotion you are applying.

~gkw said...

Glad to see you back... Great bullets... what were you doing, thinking up material??

Oh great One said...

I've missed you! Glad you're back!

I like my man to be manly. I prefer that he is different from the rest of the women I know!

CruiserMel said...

You are onto something with the Tanttoo. Let me know when you get that up and runnin, will ya? Oh, and can you work on something to make me taller?

Ari said...

By my calculations, that leaves 594,200 women attracted by your superhuman attraction abilities. Of those, even if you don't like 95% of them, that still leaves 29,710. That's enough Big Love for any man. :)

Raggedy said...

I am glad to see a post here.
Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=':'=) hugs
(")_ (")Š from
the Cool Raggedy one

Dixie said...

Y'all get 10% off?? See, I thought they added an extra 10%. Why not? I mean the rest of the work treats y'all like shit right?

NWJR said...

I waited a month and a half for THIS? Sheesh...

At least you used "douchebag". I can't fault you for that.

femmme said...

youre hillarious
and whats with the axe body spray, its disgusting...everyone uses it too....
boy perfume, and when i say thatm, they get so bullshit

Hammer said...

Axe is for the pubis?

Damn I've been spraying it on my hairy ass....

Webmiztris said...

Is it sad that I'm sitting here thinking that your Tantoo idea is actually a REALLY fucking good one? lol!!

Sassy Blondie said...

Tantoo? I LOVE IT!!
And that Axe shit...it's got to go.
Feeling a bit blue with your love life? Is that what kept you away? I thought for sure it was some woman...although I guess we'll have to take your word on the whole premature ejaculator thing. ;o)

Mo said...

I need to remind my husband to present that White Hetero Male discount card the next time we're at Kohls.

Dave Morris said...

First, my talent is not innate, it's innane. It involves twisting my balls 360 degrees.

I've been getting discounts at Penney's White Sales for years, but had no idea about Kohl's. I shop there all the time.

random moments said...

I'm with you on the biting into candies. M&Ms are mine - I want to let the candy coating melt away but I just can't stop myself from crunching! It's like terrets or something.

jali said...

"Bout time! *^*%@%!

It's great to learn that I'm one of only a few women in the world, and that statistically I'm probably the ONLY old ass African American chick that falls for your superhuman abilities.

Scottsdale Girl said...

Hello sexy!

I like Starburst

Glad you are back.

Elaine said...

Ooooh...what about the entire Evander Holyfied as a giant chocolate bar? I always wanted to sink my teeth into that sexy bastard.

Superstar said...

TAN too?!?!?! LOL ;o)

How much should that cost???

I seperate out the colors and only eat one color at a time...but don't read too much into it...I also don't like Hot and cold food that touches, nor when my food touches each other...

OCD

Chick said...

I KNEW it...it's the he man women hater's club...I knew it existed.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

None of this is true. Is it?

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

I am a true Skittle whore....I can damn near eat my weight in Skittles.

Yum.

;)

Jenny! said...

The day when men secret Axe...is the day that the train becomes a tolerable way to be transported!

Violet said...

Oh, LBB... How I've missed your insight and wisdom!

Exactly what percentage of error is there in the statistics about the women who are immune to your superhuman ability to attract women? That's a lot of trial and error to figure it all out!

ARM said...

It's about fucking time!!

and the first bullet point? I KNEW it!!!

Chunks said...

I can eat whole chocolate bars and not taste them, skittles and M&Ms practically evaporate out of the package. But don't read too much into that. I'm not a Hoover or anything.

phlegmfatale said...

Ah, the pussification of men-- a favorite subject of mine. sad and disturbing. Men who think the tool was named after the drink. Men who call me and whine because their door hinges squeak. WTF is up with that? I thought every guy was born clutching a can of WD40.

Memphis Steve said...

Those white male hetero meetings are a blast. Strippers and beer make life worthwhile. We get a discount at Kohl's? How come nobody told me?!