6/21/2007

Bullet-ins

• I finally tried gelato for the first time. I gather “gelato” is Italian for “overpriced ice cream.”

• Many people confront Iraq War supporters with the following jujitsu logic: “Are you willing to fight? Why don’t you enlist and go to war in Iraq if you believe in it?” Faulty logic! I believe in a lot of things that I’m not prepared to do myself. I believe in weekly trash pick-up, but I’m not going to be a garbage man. I support yearly prostate exams – but I’m not about to start giving those!

• I recently read a news headline: “American Indians say, ‘Earth Mother getting angry’ (about global warming).” No word yet on how Earth Mother feels about legions of casinos and tax-free cigarettes. Would you care to comment, Chief Rolling Dice?

• I hate to keep quipping about boner pill commercials – but they keep broadcasting them! The latest Viagra theme is, you have to be really clever. I don’t know how clever one need be to pop a pill or a boner or both, but evidently, that’s the message they want to drive home. Question: if the “ED” population (what happened to good ole “impotence,” by the way?) is so damn clever, why must we counsel them to seek medical help if their erections don’t desist within 4 hours? It seems a clever man would seize the logic himself: “Hmmm. I stopped having intercourse 3 hours and 56 minutes ago. Yet I’m still plagued with this damned erection. I believe I’ll seek medical help – right after I remove the tape from the VCR and move my Corvette from under the sprinkler.”

• There isn’t a chef in the world who can do to meat what a pile of charcoal briquettes can do. Give me my Weber and a bag of Kingsford and I’ll make Wolfgang Puck my barback bitch.

Cell phones continue to increase in complexity and sophistication, offering users more and more tasks they can do with their phones – provided they don’t mind taking ten times as long to do it. I wonder if cell phones will one day double as prophylactics. I’ll be able to make love for a full 20 minutes!

• I find it ironic that the only thing I own that isn’t made in China is my effing china! Evidently, my china comes from Taiwan. My world keeps making less and less sense.

• I’ve decided to jump on the wireless technology bandwagon. I have a few prototypes in the works. First up, the wireless trapeze swing. I’ve killed several volunteers testing this invention. They would have survived but for the misfortune of simultaneously testing a stringless net. Also on my drawing board: wireless parachutes, wireless under-wire braziers, wireless Firewire computer jacks, wireless steel wire brush, and wireless wire-rimmed glasses. I’m gonna make millions of dollars. So enjoy my company now while I’m still poor enough to be your friend!

• I thought the Hillary Clinton ad spoofing The Sopranos was cute. You know what was missing, though? Monica Lewinsky riding the pole at the Bada Bing! Now you've got yourself a spoof.

23 comments:

ARM said...

I can't stop laughing at the China comment for some reason. I'm a little whacked today.

Ari said...

POWERful zing slung left and right by LBB... film at 11:00. As always, you continue to sling it and swing it far better than most. I can't manage to watch the Clinton spoof of the Sopranos, though. I just can't do it. :/

tornwordo said...

If Monica had been in that video, oh, now that would have been awesome. Enjoy the bbq, or as I like to think of it, the carcinogen maker.

Snooze said...

You are dead on about cell phones. I'm addicted to text messaging, but I'm going to hire some dexterous 10 year old to punch in the letters for me from now on.

~gkw said...

The boner pill comercials I can't stand... My daughters ask me what they are talking about and it's a discussion I don't want to have. Smiling Bob needs to smile somewhere other than my TV.

I'm with you on the Weber and a bag of Kingsford. I'd just add a cooler of beer.

On the wireless subject I heard on the news they have wireless electricity. Don't ask me, I don't want to understand.

I haven't seen the clinton ad spoof. Is there a YouTube out there?

Jenny! said...

I would like to see Wolfgang be your barback bitch...he would be able to pick out the best wine for your meat!

Michelle said...

A wireless wire bra, now that is a concept I would like to see someone master..all the support of a wire with out a wire.
Charcoal...now that is a real man...anyone can cook with gas.

NWJR said...

lbb, you'll want to invest in my new company. I sell "wireless wire". You'll want a lot of it, I'm sure.

Oh great One said...

You crack me up! YOU are so clever!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Wireless steel wire brush? Only you, Bugs, only you......

Superstar said...

~claps hands~
YES! NOW that WOULD have been a SPOOF!!!! YEs!!!

Why is the boner /ED ad ok but a pasty of Janet's boob so horrible?!?!?!
HMMMM

Gelato is Italian for expensive sorbet...LOL ;o)
Healthier BS my azz...~shakes head~ All the mombots take thier kids to the one on 32nd ST and Camelback...Makes for good shows...and the over priced SUV gass guzzling tanks they drive....
Swear to GAWD none of them can park to save their lives!
Worthless lives...

Amandarama said...

I think my china comes from Mexico. China is supposed to have lead in it, right?

Lauren said...

I hate to tell you this for fear it might anger you. There already is a wireless underwire bra. Only they call it a wireless push up. True story.

Sassy Blondie said...

LBB-First, I hear your "jujitsu logic" point..because jujitsu logic is not logic at all. I just want to tell them to shut the fuck up until you come up with a well-thought out position.

I went to undergrad in Oklahoma when Choctaw Bingo was this bingo hall on HWY 75. Now it's "Choctaw Casino and Resort"...that's Creek for "Bend over".

An erection for 4 hours is a woman's dream, not a man's.

Charcoal is the only way to go..

Cell phones suck! I hate that no one can turn the motherfuckers off in a meeting, assembly, or their child's school play. At least put it on vibrate, asswipe!

Everything is made in China, they just don't want us to know, so they stick another label on it. How do you feel about Red China making your condoms?

Wireless parachutes? I have a couple of people I'll add to my Christmas list if you get those perfected.

Where is this Hillary add?? I MUST see it! Sorry America, but I hate that bitch. She's a crazy whackjob.

phlegmfatale said...

Loved the Indian casino bit, too. I've always thought there was a big contradiction, there.

Elaine said...

HA!Chief Rolling Dice and Barback Bitch!
I love you LBB

snowelf said...

LBB--We have a bar here called BaDaBings! Let's video conference Monica with our super snazzy cell phones and ask her if she'll be the sponsor when you're ready to promote your wireless trapeze.

--snow

What? Cell phones don't have video conferencing? Oh, don't worry about it, they will tomorrow.

Chunks said...

I love your bullet-ins.

Crazy Me said...

I haven't left a comment on your blog in quite a while but I just have to say, this freaking cracked me up!

"I find it ironic that the only thing I own that isn’t made in China is my effing china! Evidently, my china comes from Taiwan. My world keeps making less and less sense."

Chick said...

Gelato is soooo good...they tell me it's got half the fat of icecream...I don't care if it's true...I want it...NOW.

Lee said...

Why can't cell phones just make phone calls REALLY REALLY well?

Jenni said...

What happened to the word "cordless?" Remember that? The good old "cordless" telephone that was the size of a small infant and had an antenna that stretched out a good four feet?

Ahhhhh...those were the days.

Webmiztris said...

I love casinos, tax-free cigarettes, peace pipes and long black braided hair. Those Indians know how to party it up!