6/29/2007

bullet-ins

  • Regarding the guys who wear Superman tee shirts: we should shoot them and test whether the bullet ricochets off their chests. It would be like the Salem witch trials, only instead of drowning witches, we’d be weeding out douche bags. Either you really are Superman, in which case, no harm done. Or you’re a 25 year-old college dropout with the mentality of an 8-year-old boy with a proclivity for Underoos; in which case, no great loss to society.
  • If Al Gore writes an autobiography, and being the attention whore he is, I’m sure he will, he should name it, AlGorithms.
  • A percentage of females think they’re witches. How does one discover she’s a witch? Does she microwave a bowl of Campbell’s Soup and it comes out a boiling cauldron of children’s flesh? Or, when she walks by a broom, does it spring to life and begin sweeping the effing house all by itself? Does it begin with an irrational sympathy for that lady under the house in The Wizard of Oz? Strange how this is a female phenomenon. You don’t see men trying to convince people they’re a werewolf or something. However, both sexes are equally likely to claim they’re vampires. I’d have no use at all for those goth kids if I didn’t own stock in Hot Topic.
  • I’ll bet porcupines’ favorite plants are cactuses. I have a hunch they see them as kin.
  • I don’t understand hunger strikes. How does one affect political or social change by skipping meals? There are high school girls with poor body images all over America doing that and the most important social message they have is, “Vote for Pedro.” What if you’re protesting world hunger? It seems counterproductive to fast in that case. I think you should binge-eat. Buy an all-you-can-eat ticket at Luby’s Cafeteria and refuse to leave until your stomach ruptures or until they start air-dropping MRE’s on Central Africa. Fight the power.
  • Here’s something cool I discovered. If you watch drunken boxing while you’re drunk, it looks like normal boxing. Sidenote: I was so drunk when I watched Legend of Drunken Master, I fired off a nasty-gram to Jackie Chan demanding he refund my $3.99 rental fee. In the letter, I exclaimed, “Hell, I can do that. In fact, I’m doing it right now. I just punched out a vase and kicked the crap out of my entertainment center. You’re just Bruce Lee’s bitch, bitch.”

36 comments:

Oh great One said...

AlGorithms. That's good!

Kami said...

If Al Gore writes an autobiography, and being the attention whore he is, I’m sure he will, he should name it, AlGorithms.

I wet my pants on that one.

Dude. I'm coming to AZ next week. Please save me from the family. PLEASE.

Superstar said...

I think they wear the Superman T-shirts to compensate for something else...Cuz I kep seein a bunch of Redneck Fat slobs in them...Really funny. He's 400lb 5'10'' guy, w/ a Superman T...Yah...I am going w/ NO!!!

CruiserMel said...

I'm laughing at myself here because when I read "A percentage of females think they're witches", I thought it said bitches. Which wouldn't be an untruth either.

Ari said...

Email Gore immediately and demand 50 large for the release of his book title.

Also, I won't be microwaving any Campbell's soup for awhile. Souplent green. ::ralph::

mist1 said...

I'm not a witch, but I can't help to notice that you only mentioned wicked witches. What about Glenda (the good witch) or...damn, I can't think of another good witch.

I was just about to get all feminist on you and tell you how the Grimm brothers had corrupted the way society perceives women who wear sparkly shoes and make homemade poison apples.

Sassy Blondie said...

I think it was a typo...a large percentage of females seem to constantly try to prove they are bitches. Really. I'm not kidding.

AlGorithms...classic! Kind of like Hillary Clinton telling HERstory.

What's worse, is that these metrosexual 20 somethings tattooing it on their arm. If you were the man of steel, could you really get a tatt? I don't know...I'm just saying that I don't think Superman gets manicures and pops his collar.

Mama en Fuego said...

Superman t-shirts - OMFG my ex used to wear one of those and yes, he had the mentality of an 8 year old.

just punched out a vase and kicked the crap out of my entertainment center.

It's good to see that your insight into your anger issue has produced some results...

Blogarita said...

The only thing stranger than a Goth kid in Hot Topic clothes is going to your class reunion and seeing your friend's 40-something husband wearing Hot Topic clothes.

C said...

MRE's - that will not end hunger - it might cause war.

ARM said...

Again with the douche bag...classic. And true.

Peter said...

Hey LBB do you really think porcupines and cactus are related? what about camels and whores... they both hump a lot??

MONA said...

LBB!! come here.. give me a huge hug!!!

You are speaking my life! A few hours ago a Man was trying to convince me that he was a wearwolf!! & then he later on went to say that he would come to me next time as a vampire!
He must be in love with my neck & want to dig his teeth in there...

Ah! If wishes were brooms! witches would ride! I wish I could be a witch just so that my broom could sweep by itself!!

& down with superman Tees I would prefer the I love NYs anyday!

Porcupine & cactus kinship.. whore & camel kinship & now virgin & car kinship... one bang & they are never the same again!

Hunger strikes? I am no Gandhian either! dont eat, drop dead! on the other hand... eat & drop dead again [ stomach rupture] now which way do i go??? Duh Huh?

I like this! I LIKE this!!! HIC... the drunken boxing theory! & jackie chan? ..The myth stinks!!

Chunks said...

Vote for Pedro...I pissed myself.

phlegmfatale said...

I wish someone would hook me up with that broom-sweeps-by-itself skill.

Damsel Underdressed said...

I wonder if I could kick my trainer's ass if I got him drunk before my next boxing lesson?

Did you get your $3.99 back?

OldHorsetailSnake said...

See, with hunger strikes, you go on one so everybody will feel sorry for your ass and change their social policy like you like. Or, which happens most often, they pray for you to die soon.

savante said...

Muahaha! Will tell my boyfriend :P He wears superman underoos to sleep.

snowelf said...

So you're saying I should break my three year old's obsession with Superman now?

And I've thought that very same thing about Al Gore!! Weird. Of course, I was drunk boxing at the time...

:P

--snow

~gkw said...

I don't understand hungerstrikes either.... What makes someone think they can change things by starving themselves!?? I say that's fine, saves more food for me!

Dave Morris said...

i married a couple of witches...

Jenny! said...

My fiances friend has over 25 different Superman t-shirts and brags about it...could we have him put all on at once and test your theory???

Scottsdale Girl said...

Be very careful LBB, you know us witches can cast spells and shit right?

Migraine Boy said...

Salient points every one, and true!

Webmiztris said...

i love the binge eating idea until the stomach ruptures. let's start with nicole richey, k? ;)

Crazy Me said...

I had the coolest pair of Wonderwoman underoos as a little girl. They SO rocked!

MONA said...

Hello! is anybody in there???

Thanks for your visit!

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

How'd I know I was a witch? *shrugs* Ask my first three husbands...they're in my den in the aquarium ribbiting and eating flies.

;)

Just kidding...but I AM a bitch, that I know for sure! ;)

NWJR said...

I'm going to start selling T-Shirts that say, "I voted for Pedro and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt".

Elaine said...

HAHAHA! Omg. that is what I always thought about Jackie Chan.
totally a low rent Bruce Lee.

Aaah the Superman Shirt wearing' Douchebag Trials.
I'm onboard for that one!

Shoshana said...

I think it might be she looks in the mirror and see an ugly hag...that's how she knows she's a witch!

MONA said...

LBB
HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!!!

Palm Springs Savant said...

first time on your blog today. you havce me cracking up. good stuff. I'm a desert dweller too. sto pby and say hi sometime

Violet said...

my preferred method of protest is to chain myself to a gate/building/door, whatever... something about the bondage, i think....

Spinning Girl said...

The stupidest hunger strike I ever heard of was the group of people who refused to eat until Sanjaya was voted off American idol. Way to choose a cause, freaks!

Anonymous said...

My dad wears a Superman t-shirt. He's not fat or out of shape. He can kick your lightning butt.