Ask and ye shall receive, Part Two

Crazy Me asks:

If you could change one thing about your life, what would you change?

Wow, starting with a tough one. I’ll assume this one thing is something I’d like to change, but can’t. I’d change my hatred for work into a love for work. After all, it appears that work is the stuff life is made of! How happy workaholics must be!

Sikamikanico asks:

What's a joke you'd consider "going too far/too poor taste" to put in a bullet-in?

Nothing is off-limits as long as my intention is humor, and as long as I believe it’s funny. If I catch myself writing something whose primary purpose is to incite, express a personal opinion, a political viewpoint, etc., then I’ll delete it. A lot of what I write does incite, offend, express my opinions; I write with reckless abandon. But with every post, I hope to make people laugh and enjoy themselves. I’ll go to whatever lengths necessary to accomplish this, even if it’s potentially offensive.

Blogarita asks:

You rarely write about your wife and kid. Is that because you love them, or because they aren't funny?

Oh, they’re funny alright. But my blog is public, and I get the heebie jeebies when I consider exposing my family to the public. It’s a privacy matter.

NWJR asks:

* How did someone so young get to be so conservative?

* I'd like to hear more about your job. You've only dropped hints about your employer, but you appear to work in the medical field.

* Who put the ram in the ramma-lamma-ding-dong?

I have some fundamental believes that incline to conservatism. And by the way, I’m not so young (36). I have faith in capitalism. Conservatives embrace capitalism. I look at the incredible wealth this country creates (however unfairly distributed, the vast majority of us have plenty more than we need!) This didn’t happen by accident or sheer luck. Capitalism is the engine behind this unprecedented economic powerhouse. It brings out the best in us, and yes, sometimes, the worst in us. I lack faith in big-government/socialist ambitions. However well intentioned, they fail. The past is rife with well-intentioned governments that squander wealth, waste resources and crush enterprise. Look at Social Security. It’s a choice example. I have a cynical view of man’s nature (maybe you’ve picked up on that). So I believe in a strong, ready military. The world is chock full of bad guys who would love to loot our wealth, seize our liberty and oppress our people. No amount of negotiation, introspection, humility, discourse or Live Earth concerts will dissuade tyrants. They speak one language: force. There's more, but these are some BIG reasons I trend conservative.

My job? I’m an X-ray technician. I have been for 13 years. I’m not in love with the work itself, but for the past 3+ years I’ve worked for a wonderful employer who treats me like gold. Great hospital in Phoenix. By the way, NWJR, the reason I’ve been so busy and my blog posts have been hit-and-miss is because I’m enrolled in massage therapy school. I hope to be a successful MT by the beginning of next year.

As for who put the ram in the ramma-lamm-ding-dong, nobody can be sure. But I’ll bet it was an adolescent male, on the cusp of puberty, who had an evening home alone.

Stacy, PQ ask:

First, PQ, I can’t access your blog. I’ve tried like 100 times.

*Besides sex and writing, what other stuff do you like to do in your spare/free time?

I enjoy time with my family, exercise (I have gym membership and a home gym), eating (every meal is spectacular; I deny myself nothing when it comes to food), drinking diet soda, drinking alcoholic beverages, reading nonfiction, SOCOM 3, and surfing the net on my Mac.

* How old were you when you lost your virginity?


* Do you have any siblings?

Yes, a brother, 33.

* If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

If money were no object, Hawaii, with winters at a posh ski lodge somewhere in the US. I have no desire to live in or even visit foreign countries.

Mo asks:

Where can I get a copy of that half nekkid pic of you?

It was a book promo that has since been destroyed. However, you can catch the live act on Thursday evenings at The Manhole Tavern.

Are you writing another book?

Yep. I almost have enough material for a 3rd book. I may collect everything I’ve ever written and throw it all into one, big paperback. I’ll call it, The Big Book of Lightning Bug’s Butt.

Peter asks:

How spontaneous are your funny posts? do you have files of jokes 'n funny stuff or are you just a natural screwball?

Spontaneous? Yes and no. I carry a digital voice recorder with me. I always keep in my car because many of my ideas strike while I’m driving. Driving puts me in a trance conducive to odd, funny little observations and some profound thinking, too. In fact, I just bought a new recorder because my last one failed after 3 years of constant use! So, the ideas are spontaneous, but I collect them in the recorder and then develop and polish them at the keyboard. On rare occasions, I’ll have a drink at sit at the keyboard just to see what comes up. Often, it works.

Spinning Girl asks:

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

I’m just winging it here. I’m not sure, but as long as they’re not vultures circling overhead, I’ll take the company!

Shoshana asks:

*Except for publishing on Lulu, have you tried to get your book to a publisher?

No. I can’t imagine anyone would publish what I write. And even if they did, unless I first do something notorious, how would they ever discover me?

*How long have you been married, and how many children do you have?

Eleven years. One daughter, and one adult stepdaughter.

Amandarama asks:

*What made you move to where you live today?

My folks moved us out here when we were kids. I’m in love with Tucson, the weather, the mountains, the town, the relatively low taxes and living expenses.

*Also, if you could commit one crime and get away with it what would it be?

Felony embezzlement.

Elaine writes:

What the most creative way to pleasure yourself with fruit?

1) Soak fruit innards in vodka, rum or your favorite liquor,
2) Eat fruit.

Scottsdale Girl asks:

Flavored or Tingly Lube?

My Toyota Owner’s Manual recommends 5-30W. But confined to your options, I’d go with tingly.

Little Wing asks:

*At what time will I magically become a long term reader?

It’s not a number, LW. It’s a state of mind.

*Have you ever used illegal drugs?

Yes. Marijana. But only a couple of times.

Jenny asks:

Chocolate or Vanilla?

If I have the chance, I’ll swirl them. But pinned to a choice, chocolate.

Queen of Dysfunction asks:

Where did you get the name for your blog?

When I first started blogging, I wrote at eBloggy under the name “Pontificate or Perish.” But when I switched to Blogger I had to change my name so that all the promoting I did would lead others to THIS blog. I thought for a while. I thought about how I write and the style of my blog: little blurbs and bullet marks and quips. Suddenly I pictured a lightning bug flashing from a distance in the night. That’s how I wanted my blog to be: little flashes of insight in the dark that guide readers closer and closer. Hypnotic.

CacaBoy asks:

*If Hillary Clinton becomes president, how many toppings do you get on your pizza?

Given her political convictions, I suspect no more than anybody else.

*Anyway....If a bear craps in the woods do you think he wipes if no one was looking?

Most can BEARLY reach, so I doubt they wipe in any event.

Tornwordo asks:

How and at what age did you discover your own ability to reach orgasm?

I discovered it “conventionally” at the age of 12. At the precise moment, Cheap Trick’s “She’s Tight” was playing on the radio. To this day, that song elicits heavy emotions for me.

Palm Springs Savant asks:

1) What are your preferred types of underwear and do you vary based on your mood?

I’m always in the mood for boxer/briefs. Strange, because I don’t like boxers or briefs. Mix the two together, and you’ve got magic. In this way, boxer/briefs are like Hall & Oats.

2) What is the most unusual food you have ever eaten and did you enjoy it?

Barracuda steak. Yes.

3) If you had just one day left to live, how would you spend it?

In quiet solitude, reflecting on my life, trying to conjure and enjoy as many memories as I could. Oh, and I’d be drunk and eating a Rosati’s Pizza.

4) If you had a time machine and could go and come back, what time would it be?

I’d go back to the creation of the universe. I’d love to learn how that whole thing came about!

Chunks asks:

Have you ever been to Canada? If so, where? If not, why not?

No. Canada seems charming enough, but I have a phobia of other countries. I don’t suspect I’ll ever step foot in a foreign land.

Lyvvie asks:

Do you still have that picture of you with your book? Because I forgot to copy it and make it my screensaver.

See above.

Twinkies or Susie-Qs?

Twinkies. Just today, I was just thinking about my frist Twinkie. I swear I still remember it. Blew my 4 year-old mind away.

Ari asks:

1) Have you ever considered or actually performed standup comedy?

Yes, I’ve considered it. I’m pretty good on my feet. Maybe I’ll get drunk and hit an open-mic night one day. It can’t be any more embarrassing than karaoke!

2) What are your top ten bands of all time?

The Cure
Smashing Pumpkins
Dave Clark Five
The Rolling Stones
The Bee Gees
Duran Duran
The Who

3) Describe a much-revisited fantasy of yours.

I often fantasize about visiting myself in the past, regaling myself with my life so far, and recommending some changes here and there.

Heather asks:

Which readers would you most like to meet in person?

What a fun question to answer. Well, YOU, Heather, of course. Maybe we could even talk Sharon into coming. Also:

NWJR, but to assure both of us we wouldn’t kill the other, we’d have to do it in a public place.
Dave from Dave’s Window. I’d love to meet Dave.
Peanut Queen
Web Mistress
And of course, the estranged Latigo Flint

And, if I get you a job in the cath lab, will you move to Texas?

Funny you should ask, Heather. I’ve been dreaming about Texas for a while. I don’t know if I could handle cath lab, though. Too many docs around. Too much time on one’s feet, sterile, in a lead vest. How about a nice, cushy 3rd shift CT gig?

Midas asks:

What do you consider annoying in real life and in blogging?

In life? The laws of diminishing returns and reversed effort. Both are very real phenomena and both kick in quickly. In blogging? My own grammatical and spelling errors. Oh, and unruly word processors.


tornwordo said...

What a great way to get to know some nitty gritties about you. I adore Tucson, you're lucky to live there. I can also remember my first twinkie. I was pissed that my parents had held out on me about such a heavenly foodstuff.

ADW said...

Way better than the standard meme..... Cute too. Can I just say that boxer briefs are my manties of coice as well...

NWJR said...

Good stuff, LBB. Don't fear Canada, eh? And if I'm ever in your fair city, I shall knock on your door. We'll toss back a few and listen to some ELO. There's nothing like the schweet sounds of Jeff Lynne to iron over any minor differences.

Anonymous said...

hey! i'm going to cali this weekend and won't be back until september...here is the website i was talking about where i made extra summer cash. Later! the website is here

Jenny! said...

Oh, how could i have forgotten about twist! I agree chocolate over V! I get annoyed with the spelling errors I make too...and capitalization mistakes too!

snowelf said...

Lbb, you realize Texas is like a whole other country, right?
It even says so on the commercial.

Show no fear!! ;)


Midas said...

I have only been to Tucson on the way to California when my sister filed for divorce. I remember thinking I love the dry heat or whatever it's called.

And the McDonalds we stopped by, my kids love it!

Becky said...

If you ever figure out how to make yourself happy about work, please let me know!

Mo said...

I still think you should re-publish that picture.

Anonymous said...

hey! i'm going to cali this weekend and won't be back until september...here is the website i was talking about where i made extra summer cash. Later! the website is here

Scottsdale Girl said...

Good choice on the lube, however I have to admit an actual pang of jealously when my name was not on the list of people you would like to meet.

It's ok though. :)

Chunks said...

I've gotta say, how much do I love that you listed The Beatles and Duran Duran in your top 10?! Hell, I'll even forgive you for not coming to Canada for that!

Oh great One said...

This was a wonderful idea LBB! So much better than those meme thing-a-ma-jiggies. You know I need to exercise more. Think you could send some of your drive to exercise my way?

Hammer said...

I agree on the conservative thing.

It just makes more sense to work hard and not squander on things that don't produce or give back.

Violet said...

great post! very rarely do you mention anything personal in your writings, so this was very enlightening.

i can't speak for dave, but i know i'd love to meet you, and if that means tagging along if you and dave ever get together, i'm down with that! personally, i think it'd be great to incite a debate between the two of you over global warming and then sit back and watch... haha...

Dave Morris said...

Nice musical taste, LBB. Let's get together in a dark bar somewhere in Casa Grande, put about 30 bucks in the jukebox, 40 bucks in a good bottle of scotch and figure it all out.

As for debating global warming, sheesh... you'd think we could come up with something more entertaining than that.

PS - we'll let Violet keep our scotch glasses full, but she can't have any. She's now "with child," in case you haven't heard the good news!

CruiserMel said...

I loved this post. Great idea you had there.

Crazy Me said...


Spinning Girl said...

I too am a fan of the vanilla/chocolate twist. Because ... why choose when you can have both?

phlegmfatale said...

I think the most incredible hospital I've ever seen was GS in Phoenix. Tall, gleaming white tower with lots of portholes. Gorgeous garden nestled in a courtyard in the middle. My granny was there the last day of her life, and I felt like she was in the best hands. Phoenix is such a great place.

Heather said...

Cushy CT job, hell! How 'bout we set you up out here as a massage therapist?

And my part of Texas enjoys the same "dry heat" as Phoenix.

I'd love to meet you too and we'd definitely let Sharon tag along. The world would have to duck and cover.

Amandarama said...

Ah, felony embezzlement. Is there a sweeter white collar crime?

Maybe. I dunno. I've been drinking.

Cool post, btw.

Elaine said...

Hey this was kinda cool, especially how you came upon your blog name. I always wondered about that..but the fruit question was a top priority because I didn't know what to do with my melons.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Oh I know I'd love to meet you....especially if it involves some adult beverages and fellow bloggers. What fun....what trouble, that would be!!! YES! ;)

Reason you can't access my blog is I had to make it private...e-mail me at mrssswitch@earthlink.net so I can send you an invite. Only reason I haven't already invited you is because I don't have your e-mail address and couldn't find it on your blog.

I'm currently posting about a drunken haircut. It's my first experience with it....and it was...interesting, to say the least. Sure as hell glad it wasn't ME that was getting it!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I don't know how many times I have told you I am NOT Latigo Flint.

Having said that, I might be. Strange stuff, this webernet.

Ari said...

This was a CAPITAL idea for a post and very delightful to read. Also, I cannot express how honored I feel to be on your "would like to meet" list. Shucks, I just.... shucks. ;)

I've been thinking for awhile there should be some kinda blogger meetup or something. Let's canvass California for the long lost Latigo.

Also, I recently crossed over the border into Mexico, for my first departure from the sweet, sweet, U.S. EVER. Not flying into Cancun or Cozumel, but crossing the Rio Grande from Del Rio into Ciudad Acuna. I was only there about an hour, but it was scary the whole time. I'm glad I did it, though.

Lyvvie said...

*LOVE* Oh wow! I love twinkies too! And how cool you have a first mastubation song - so do I! Mine is Queen's Radio GaGa, when I hear that I'm 13 again and in my old room on a Sunday afternoon. And Wow! you put me on the would like to meet list! Yay! I think I'll be there for BBQ someday soon.

MONA said...

what a unique meme :)

& I was thinking.. why would you like to be 'drunk' most of the time to be able to do things as you say you would...

Hey... but i guess It is too late to ask questions now anyway...or question to answers of questions...

Little Wing said...

Write that book, baby!

ZenDenizen said...

Excellent FAQ post! I especially liked the Live Earth & Hall & Oates lines.