7/18/2007

Bullet-ins

*Ryan Seacrest is so gay, if you pushed a Playboy Magazine against his forehead, it would catch fire.

*I’d like to see the contestants on Hell’s Kitchen fuck with the judge. For instance, tasked with duck d’lorange, a contestant might adorn several Chicken McNugges with an orange slice and a side of sliced potato l’grease (french fries). Really try to sell it: I took the flesh of the bird, partitioned it, breaded each morsel, lightly seasoned them and deep fried them golden-brown. They come accented with orange fruit and your choice of soda and small, medium or large fries. Then, when Gordon Ramsay objects, pelt him with McNuggets until he whimpers.

*When did we declare war on trans-fats? How bad can they be? We’ve been eating them for decades. The Food Crusaders warn that trans-fat is a killer. Their studies claim that if you eat 6 Oreos per day for 3 consecutive weeks, your heart will spontaneously explode, killing you and everybody within a 20-foot radius. And what does “trans” mean? Did it transform from a vegetable or a granola bar to become an evil fat? Maybe we need to invent an Optimus Prime Fat to fight the evil Trans-Fat Lipidicons.

*Congress’ approval ratings are in the crapper. It has nothing to do with Republicans or Democrats, each of whom have had their chance to embarrass the institution. The problem with Congress is simple: too many lawyers, not enough economists.

*I don’t understand hunger strikes. Going hungry to induce sociopolitical change? Has that ever worked? What if you’re protesting world hunger? Seems ironic to me. Instead, why not stage a binge eating? Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell are light-years ahead on this front. Fight the good fight, you fat pigs.

*I dislike people who say Tar-JAY (for the retailer, Target) and Jaque Ce PanYAY (for J.C. Penny’s). However, I’m indifferent to those who say the US of A and Californ-i-A. On second thought, fuck them, too.

*I had a real-life example that taught me I shouldn’t judge people. Driving down I-10, I spotted a big, monster truck in my rear-view mirror. He tailgated me and my poor Toyota. His truck huffed and puffed and snorted with rage. At once I had this guy pegged for a macho douche bag with a tiny penis. I said to myself, “Take it easy there, Tex.” Just then, he switched lanes and sped past me. As he drove by, I spied a decal on his rear window. It read, “Big Red.” You see? He wasn’t “Tex.” He was “Big Red.” My mistake.

*Instead of a reserve parachute, why don’t skydivers use an airbag? Chute fails? Bounce your ass across the desert. You’re the world’s biggest superball!

*Why not just take a leak or a dump out the airplane window? After all, they drop the sewage from altitude anyway. I say, cut out the middleman! If I were on a 747, I’d squeeze my ass out the window and aim for one of Al Gore’s Live Earth concerts. Heads-up, Bono.

*The best way to torture a groundhog is to tie him down and force him to watch that movie, The Shadow.

38 comments:

NWJR said...

Does this mean I have to stop shopping at "Sal's Boutique" (aka Salvation Army Thrift Store)?

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Every time I see that chef on Hell's Kitchen screaming at someone (usually it involves a donkey...which I think is VERY strange), I want to shove half a dozen Krispy Kremes into his friggin' pie hole. Hell, I don't even watch the show and I hate him.

And that airbag thing sounds kinda fun. Will it have handles like those HUGE bouncy balls we used to have when we were kids? Remember those??? What fun! ;)

Peter said...

The only excuse for wanting more economists would be ..... Too Many Lawyers!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sassy Blondie said...

LBB-Another interesting list here.
Ryan Seacrest....LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL What a douche! He's got to be the only one who thinks he's still "in the closet".

I admit to liking Hell's Kitchen...it's a like a trainwreck! I would have forked Chef Ramsey in the first episode though.

Sorry LBB, I've been known to say US of A and Californ-I-A, but only sporadically. Okay, I used on in my latest post, but whatever.

Shitting on Bono at Al Gore's Live Earth concerts? Classic!

Jenny! said...

I have never heard the JC Penny's thing before, but yeah, that's fucking annoying! Why can't we leave poor gay Ryan alone...he doens't know!

Mo said...

I say Tar-JAY. Sue me.

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Perhaps if we could get Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell to binge on trans fats we could kill two birds with one stone?

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Perhaps if we could get Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell to binge on trans fats we could kill two birds with one stone?

Chunks said...

Do you guys have Value Village in the US? Well, people here call it "Valoo Vill-hage", it really classes up the fact that you are buying other people's used clothing. Blech!

You drive a Toyota?!

Scottsdale Girl said...

Jaqcue Du Bois, that's what we call Jack in the Box. sue me.

Scottsdale Girl said...

um ok me and MO? Separated at birth.

KelBel said...

LBB... I knew that after all this time I could come back and you would still be as brilliantly clever as ever. Seriously... the Tar-Jay thing gets me everytime! Just wanted to say hey and make sure you were still around spreading your genius throughout the blogsphere;)!

tornwordo said...

My mom had me believing that they dumped the shit midair until I was an adult. Every time I got something unidentifiable on the windshield, I thought, "It's the plane toilets again."

She cackled ruthlessly when she finally revealed the truth, lol.

Hammer said...

Great idea!

For the next al gore eco-concert we can all hang our asses out and commence operation doo doo drop.

snowelf said...

I think my sociology teacher and chef ramsey are the same person.

I LOVED the trans-fat-lipidicons!!

--snow

ADW said...

Where have you been? Sabbatical? And I love, love, love the idea of crapping out of a plane window.

Oh great One said...

Oh yeah! I'm glad you're back!

Never heard of the JC Penny knock off.

The idea of them dropping crap from airplanes creeps me out!

Becky said...

We have too many damn groundhogs around here, I'll have to get a copy of the shadow and make him watch it! Then they'll know not to fuck with my yard!

Palm Springs Savant said...

Yeah, I look forward to the day when Ryan comes out of that krazy kloset he is in.

Hell's Kitchen is fascinating. Chef is a total douche at times, and yet I get sucked in...

Jenni said...

Ryan Seacrest is SO tiny...It's hilarious. The best was seeing him next to Jordan during this year's American Idol.

Where do you think he buys his clothes?

Elaine said...

So true about Ryan Seacrest! Instead pressing a Playboy magazine against his head, we should use a brick...and just press it against his head over and over again.... really hard.

I can't stand that douche.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Who knows what evil lurks? Golly, LBB, couldn't you have had the groundhog tied down and watching Little Orphan Annie, or some other smudge? The Shadow was an all right guy.

Crazy Me said...

I've never seen The Shadow. Never even heard of it, in fact.

MONA said...

So Gay? how gay is go gay???
Ok Ok I get it! If the forehead burns the playboy magazine then it is the forehead of 'so gay' LOL!

Yes pelt him!!! Take that you@#!$%^&* how dare you object to that fine recipie???!!!

Trans fat lipidicons versus Optimus prime fat...YAYY!!! a Galadiator's Fight in the arena called Humanous Bodious!

Lawyers upon Economists is directly propoetional to Congress? Wow! Crapper's Law!

Hunger stike? '' it worked it worked... way back with Gandhi & the ignorant proles of the time! LOL

& I diskike ppl who say phost [ for what I am commenting upon] an phephle!

Really? he was big red? No wonder he was huffing & puffing!

Ah! That gives me a big head... to be the world biggest super [goof] ball!!

Poor al Gore! what has he done to you???

Poor groundhog...I think you must be thinking that al gore is a groundhog to wish such a torture upon him! LOL

Cheerio! will cook the chinese sometime :)

Superstar said...

Welcome aboard the Gay train?!?!?! HELLLO?!?!?!

He and hoff should ride together in the boozer compartment!!!

What is a transfat...I think it's some marketing scam to get Atkins dieters some kind of "green light" to eat bread, pasta and chips!
*giggles*

ROFLMAO about "big Red"...I think he ran me over once! I just fit right under his truck as it go-go gadget-eted over me!
*he he he he he*

Behind The Curve said...

When did we declare war on trans-fats?

It's like eggs getting a bum rap or MSG (over a billion Chinese can't be wrong...)

Johnny Virgil said...

wait, you used the hunger strike one in your last batch: I don’t understand hunger strikes. How does one affect political or social change by skipping meals? There are high school girls with poor body images all over America doing that and the most important social message they have is, “Vote for Pedro.” What if you’re protesting world hunger? It seems counterproductive to fast in that case. I think you should binge-eat. Buy an all-you-can-eat ticket at Luby’s Cafeteria and refuse to leave until your stomach ruptures or until they start air-dropping MRE’s on Central Africa. Fight the power.

Cynic with Flair said...

Big Red is gay and shops at Tar-Jay...this post was so funny that I won't say stupid stuff like LMAO 'cause I hate that.

Spinning Girl said...

I like how you fight The Man, every day, in your own way.

Webmiztris said...

my boss, who is male, even calls it Tar-ghey. I would say that's "so fucking gay", but then I'd have to heard more about it from that douche over my blog.

On second though, fuck him.

Pronouncing it as Tar-ghey is SO FUCKING GAY.

Amandarama said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Amandarama said...

"Tex"

"Big Red"

Bah.

They both would settle the hell down at the end of a rear mounted tactical nuke.

I hate douchebag drivers. With every cell of my little black soul.

Sharon said...

I've never heard of saying Tar-JAY. I am so uncool.

Susan as herself said...

I hate when people call Neiman Marcus "Needless Mark-up." Even though it's true...

Midas said...

LOL. I absolutely love this post. I read it out loud to my husband and he likes it.

We're probably getting your book and parking it in our guest rest room....they can have a laugh while doing their business. Coz, frankly, these people wouldn't enjoy a good book otherwise.

Disgustipated said...

How are you LBB! Glad to see you still blogging!

Little Wing said...

Quite simply put, YOU ROCK!

Ari said...

I concur -- Al Gore: Jumping Bob Geldof's Train for a more bullshit cause. Would Willie Nelson and Farm Aid be safe?