8/23/2007

Boob jobs and other metamorphoses

Breast implants are the cubic zirconium of the cosmetic world. They look great – often better than the real thing. But once you discover they’re fake, they lose their luster. Even small, imperfect diamonds are preferable to giant, glaring cubic zirconium. Such is the Tao of ta-tas.

Speaking of breast augmentation, I’m considering a change myself. For about 3 years, I’ve been posting bullet-marked quips and impish essays on my blog. I’ve driven down I-10 uttering nonsense into my little voice recorder, and then sifting through the rubbish while at my keyboard, often with a drink in hand, polishing it into what is hopefully something vaguely amusing or funny. It’s been fun. I’ve loved it. But it’s time for a change. I want my blog to take a more personal, biographical tack. The truth is, I’ve often longed to share an experience or contemplate one of life’s vicissitudes on my blog. Or just check in, as one might do in a diary. After all, the word “blog” derives from webLOG. I’ve hitherto stifled the urge because it would have cramped my blog’s style.

Consequently, my blog has been like a big set of fake hooters: they look great when you first see them from across the room. You’re intrigued. They capture your attention and draw you closer. They’re cute and whatnot. Sometimes they’re downright vulgar and offensive, depending on the size and packaging. But ultimately, you get this nagging feeling that you’re being duped; you’re not getting the real deal. Fake. What, you wonder, are the real ones like underneath all that silicon?

So that’s that. I’m changing my style. I’m too old to have a style, now that I think about it, unless that style is cranky.

I hope you’ll continue to visit. In fact, I hope we all become even closer.

By the way, my name is Rich.

39 comments:

Heather said...

I'll still be here. I am looking forward to reading what you have to say.

And I already knew your name was Rich. ;-)

Hammer said...

I keep coming back for more, always good stuff.

Fake boobs are about as worthless as Chinese condoms.

Queen of Dysfunction said...

So... does this mean you are having your fake ta-tas removed and allowing your blog to go au natural?

Kick ass. Can't wait to read it.

Blogarita said...

Cool! I'll stay tuned.

WrdFrk said...

You can be the Jenna Jameson of bloggers! ;-)

NWJR said...

All the cool kids are named Rich.

Peter said...

Hi Rich, I'll look forward to getting to know the "real" you but just a word of warning.... don't go knockin' them fake hooters too much, some days they're all I've got to hang on to.

Little Wing said...

Cracking up over Tao of Ta-tas, Rich!

Lyvvie said...

I'm *SO* excited about this new cranky bioblog that I just wet myself a little!

Hello Rich!!

tornwordo said...

An excellent idea. Pleased to meet you Rich.

tornwordo said...

An excellent idea. Pleased to meet you Rich.

Anonymous said...

In a world full of chaos and striff it's in inevitable that as we grow older we will want to change, I for one will never grow up and refuse to change. Lighten up and eat some skittles.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Well, Rich, you'll have to beat me off of your blog with a stick.....you KNOW I'll be back. ;)

And besides, who says you can't "share an experience or contemplate one of life’s vicissitudes" and still put a funny spin on it? Lookit me..."flying dog placentas" and "The PK's self dentistry"? All true...but VERY amusing....at least to me.

Sharon said...

Hi, Rich!

phishez_rule said...

I've always wanted to touch fake boobs. Apparently they're really hard. I like mine as they are I wouldn't change them if I could.

Of course I'll come back! See you in a post or two bug.

MONA said...

Rich.

Good to meet you & hope we shall see more of each other in the different light too! :)

snowelf said...

What...they're not real?!!?
damn it, I just lost a bet!

:)
I think no matter what you have to say, it will have your particular twist of humor in it and that's why we've come to love you.

--snow

~gkw said...

Hey Rich, I've been a silent stalker for the most part but I've enjoyed reading your blog. Look formard to reading what you have to say in the future too!

jali said...

Rich... Richie... the Richster... the Richolino...The Richman... (I watch a lot of SNL)

Down with big hooters!!!

Oh great One said...

I love your bullet point humor it's always so clever. I have to admit though, when you answered everyones questions it was nice to get a glimpse of YOU. I'll be here regardless of whether it's personal or just for fun. ;)

Kelly said...

I have two blogs, one all silicon and plastic... and the other real.

It is like a chick with fake boobs wearing a cardigan. The best of both worlds. :-)

Jenny! said...

The best way to tell is to squeeze them sometimes...the fake ones can be a bit tricky!

Hi Rich! Nice to meet you!

Dave Morris said...

I don't have a philosophical issue with fake boobies - I DO prefer the real ones though, so I'm with ya!

Hi Rich!

King of All Stormtroopers said...

RIIIIIICCHHHHHHH!

Violet said...

Dave came in this morning while I was in the shower to tell me the news from your blog... Big change, huh?

You know, I've learned more about you through the comments that you've left on other people's blogs than from your own blog entries. I am excited to hear some things that are a bit more personal, like the post you did recently answering the questions from readers.

I think this new dimension of your blog will be great... The anonymity of a blog can be safe, but it can also be limiting.

Elaine said...

I think you were feeling your reader's urge to know more about the man who comes up with brilliant sayings like "The Tao of Ta-tas"

I'm most definately coming back!

ciscobaby said...

Wait a minute, fake boobs are no good? Let me make a note of that. What about fake nails? Hair? Eye color? You've just drastically changed my weekend plans, Rich.

~Fathairybastard~ said...

Always wondered if they felt the same sensations, once they'd been stretched out like that with a sack of dippety doo. I mean, are you wasting your time suckin' on those things?

Spinning Girl said...

I am so excited!

Midas said...

Hey Rich, don't be too hard on the fake boobs. I love those. My husband and I have so much fun reading them aloud to anyone unlucky enough to be sitting near our computers.

Truth is, no matter what form your blog takes, you'd still be writing it and it will still be on my visiting list.

Chunks said...

I read your newest post first and thought, "Why is everyone calling him Rich?!"

Funny, I pictured you as a Dave.

I can't wait to see what comes out of that head of yours! Good luck with the new "format".

jay bee said...

i am the proud owner of a small pair of real diamonds, and have never considered acquiring a larger pair of cubic zirconia just because they look better than what i already have... great metaphor!

and i'm new to your blog, but i'm already an addict. keep it up. you're too funny...

Jack K. said...

I was told somewhere that more than a mouthful was a waste. But, then what do I know.

Good work, Rich.

Sudiegirl said...

Howdy Rich!

Good luck as your blog takes a new direction.

Chick said...

Hey Rich, great start with the comparison to fake boobies...I've always found them lacking myself...kind of hard & unmoving...but yeah, they do look great from across the room.

I'll come back to read more.

phlegmfatale said...

You know, rapidly hurtling toward middle-age with no rugrats to sap my hard-earned extra money, I get fixated on odd things to collect every so often. One phase was collecting nudie playing cards - decks with 52 different topless lovelies from the 50s or 60s. The best one, though, is a deck in which all the women have natural tits, except for one, and that one with the very fake, very early pair of implants was the one that -- you guessed it-- they chose to festoon the box the cards came in with. That cracked me up.

Rocky Mountain Rat Girl said...

I don't think I knew your name was Rich... did I? *pondering* I bought your last book, but I cannot remember if that had your name on it... and I'm at work so I cannot check.

From now on, I won't refer to you as LBB. Well, sometimes I may. :)

gusgreeper said...

hmm i like this post for a lot of reasons. i do not like fake boobs i have OF COURSE [in the PAST] wanted them i am smalllllll 32c is SMALL. plus you see my photos..., both people i know with fake boobs i have felt them and on both they got good sets so you can't even tell they are fake but they are and in the end i still think mine are better. Rich, thanks for your bangs compliment.

Ari said...

Do lightning bugs spin cocoons? I'll bet your new light will shine even brighter. Meanwhile, I'm just going to keep on writing pointless crap. :)