8/10/2007

Bullet-ins

*Forgetting my cell phone, I had the opportunity to use a relic of the 20th century called a phone booth. These crude devices require the user to insert coins prior each call. How primitive. I felt out of place without my mood ring and leisure suit. I tried to send a text message and instead called some poor bastard in Bangkok, China. Sorry for waking you, Mr. Chang. And no, your wife doesn’t have an American boyfriend. Mr. Chang began cussing me in his native tongue; however, he broke into English long enough to say, “You get I-Phone righ-now, round-eye douche bag.”

*When you’re born, are you zero years old? I think so. At least until you’re one month old, you’re zero. That’s pretty cool.


*I’ve noticed something by watching old movies: nobody wore sunglasses until the early 1950’s. I guess it took until mid-century to perfect the art of tinting. Even pilots didn’t have shades in the olden days. Tom Cruise is lucky Top Gun was made in the Eighties. Otherwise, he’d have looked like a putz. Tom owes his entire career to sunglasses. Want to know the difference between Maverick and Goose? Cool Shades. That’s it. You forget your shades, you’re getting rocketed into the canopy and dying mid-movie. Hollywood’s a cruel place.

*I hate cars with curb feelers. I think it’s because I dislike cats. Curb feelers are whiskers for cars.

*China is manufacturing a car that gets 130 miles to the gallon. Pop the hood and you’ll see a little Chinese guy with a pyramid hat thingy, riding a unicycle. That was just a joke; no such car. But seriously, if gas gets any more expensive I’m going to import a Chinaman who runs while towing a carriage with those two sticks. Every eighty miles or so I’ll toss him a carton of fried rice and some egg drop soup. Yo, Bruce, there’s a wanton in it for you if you can beat rush hour.

*Question for skydivers: if you deploy your parachute when you’re upside down, do you plunge to the earth that much faster? Same for pilots. If the wings make you go up, and you turn your plane upside down, shouldn’t you plummet to the ground?

*People wonder how I can afford to eat out so often. I wonder how they can’t. The food is free. You might think this is gross, but don’t knock it until you try it. Eat other people’s food. See, I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but most people don’t finish their plates. Often, there’s a side dish or two they didn’t even touch. They just leave the food sitting there. And it’s perfectly good food. Finger-foods are the best; they haven’t been touched! A casual walk through a restaurant will fetch an adroit man like myself a 7-course meal. Sometimes I’ll let the hostess seat me. I’ll request a doggie bag, collect what looks good, toss in a complimentary loaf of bread, and leave. Other time, I’ll dine in. Often, while I’m eating my bounty, I scan the restaurant for a fussy-eater, some little kid pouting about having to eat. When he leaves, I swoop in like a bird of prey. Last week I scored an entire helping of mac-n-cheese of this brat who was holding out for an ice cream sundae. His loss is my gain. Often I need a doggie bag because I can’t finish everything I find. Sure, some restaurateurs frown on this practice. Consequently, I’m not welcome in most Denny’s in my state of residence. But Waffle House isn’t wise to me yet.

*Speaking of restaurants, I once ate at a place where an electric train would deliver your food. True story. You’d sit at the bar. The waitress took your order. Then an electric train would cruise by, stopping with boxcars filled with your food. The train would wait for you to eat and then take your dirty dish back to the kitchen. Ain’t that the cutest little thing? I imagine they had little electric trains in the back that washed the dishes. They drove them through a little dishwashing machine. Little electric trains chopping vegetables and whatnot, wearing hair nets. Also, they didn’t have a restroom in the restaurant that I could see, so I put my “caboose” over the track, dropped a deuce in my boxcar and sent it on its way. All aboard! I miss that place. The closest you get to an electric train nowadays is a snotty waitress with track marks on her arms.

*When I was young we played cops and robbers. And we all fought to be the cops. Years later, kids wanted to be robbers. Nowadays, kids want to be pimps. Witness the progression of delinquency.

34 comments:

NWJR said...

"Sometimes I’ll let the hostess seat me."

When I first read that, I thought it said, "I'll let the hostess EAT me!"

That's why I married a waitress.

Peter said...

Gotta try your style of eating out LBB, it's a good way to get a varied diet by the sound of things and "the price is right"

Palm Springs Savant said...

did you say a p--hhhhh-one booooth? YIKES.

GREAT post today, I enjoyed this!

Dave Morris said...

I haven't seen a set of curb feelers in a while! I think they went out with 80's sunglasses...

Here's some fun a buddy of mine and I have gotten into lately - go to Waffle House at 2 am when it's full of hungry, mean drunks. Sit quietly and eat your waffles. Just as you're leaving, put a dollar in the juke box. Choose the "Waffle House Birthday Song" six times. Promptly leave. One of you might want to be outside with the motor running.

Good times.

Linda said...

My hometown is so old fashioned that they still have the payphone where you had to dial the number, THEN deposit your money...the person on the other line always had to wait in case it was REALLY someone calling, not just a hang up. And if you weren't fast enough, the phone took your money AND your call didn't go through. AND they are STILL rotary dial phones, too!

Chunks said...

"a snotty waitress with track marks on her arms."

HAHA!

Oh and the Asians are going to come after you for your stereotypical portrayal of their culture. I can't wait to see the blog entry after THAT happens!! ;)

Hammer said...

The old sunglasses gave people catatacts that much quicker, they didn't know they needed UV as well as tinting.

Phonebooths always smell like old winos and urine.

My mother in law just eats off of stangers plates without asking. she doesn't pay either.

Little Wing said...

Wow! My town doesn't even have any phone booths!

Little Wing said...

Wow, I thought your butt was lighting up the sky, but I found out it is a meteor shower!

SHADOW said...

Your way of dining out fascinates me. I guess it's because your hot, that you get away with it.

Can you teach me a sure way to get out of paying the dinner bill?

Damsel Underdressed said...

I hate Tom Cruise. With or without sunglasses.

Sassy Blondie said...

Remind me never to eat again in Arizona. I'll be like one of those crazy-eyed people who wrap their free arm around their plate and eat everything with their head bent down so far they really don't need a fork. You've made me paranoid, LBB.

Somehow being Sydney Biddle Barrows doesn't seem to be a bad idea at this point in my life. Perhaps it's because I've worked with kids so long.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Well damn, I was already for breakfast...but now? Not so much.

:)

~Fathairybastard~ said...

A rickshaw,, with a little dude towing your ass around, would be cool as hell. Rule Britannia, and all that.

Webmiztris said...

"he’d have looked like a putz."

he looked like a putz anyway. ;)

Jenny! said...

So nasty to eat someone elses food! I think I would rather starve! Kids want to be pimps...do they make the dorky kids their ho's?

MONA said...

phone booth... wazzat? sure sounds a poor relic to me too! & then again.. what is a cell phone?...LOL! I hate phones!! all kinds!

zero befor one month? what about befpre one day, or one hour or one minute or one second or...

Were they using them to show the shades or hide the expression[less] in the eyes?

Yay good old pedals or better still,feet!

of course they will drown.. er crash land!

Yes I agree.. why waste food & good food at that!

electric train! That seems quite symbolic. maybe it defines the journey your food is about to take within you!

LMAO! Yes indeed.. they would like to be pimps I guess!

Hey! & I am dying for some sleep here!!

Scottsdale Girl said...

Pimps or gangsta's.

Rickshaw would be h o t here in the A to the Z.

Elaine said...

what's a phone booth?

oh and I wish I had an electric train at my house that took the dirty dishes away...and leave them at my neighbor's house.

Video X said...

WTF are cars with curb feelers?

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Is that true? That there is more money in pimpery than in robbery? Probably safer, anyway.

Little Wing said...

I echo video x.......
CURB FEELERS? Are they for BLIND DRIVERS?????

ADW said...

I've always lived my life like a pimp. The only reason I wear such high heels is to pimp slap the really tall trannies.

Ari said...

Your endorsement of zero years old is the polar opposite of parents who continue to number their child's age in months well into jr. high. I'm with you. I like zero better.

Every time some kid at my school claims pimpdom, I want to take him down and show him a few dozen actual pimps who have been taken into custody by the ever-merciful Texas correctional system, and point out how the popular "pimps and hoes" game is played down there.

Is that mean?

mcBlogger said...

what's a "curb feeler" I think I missed something there.

You know, it's too bad that when your zero years old, you're too young to appreciate how you don't have an actual age.

Lyvvie said...

I'm with McBlogger - what is this curb feeler thing you speak of? If it's anything like a Curb Crawler, then I'm with you in the dislike.

Oh great One said...

If at first you don't succeed. DON'T try sky diving!

Jon said...

What restaurant was it?

Becky said...

I haven't had the opportunity to use a phone booth in a long time. And I hope I never have to.

Beth said...

Why you gotta hate on cats? LOL! Dude, the electric train idea sounds great!!! Phone booths are dirty and scare me.

jali said...

You are hilarious.

I usually end up as the hostage when playing games. What does that say about me?

Stepping Over the Junk said...

I was just talking to an 8 year old who said he wanted to play "hip hop" and wanted me to go get some "bling" to dress up.

I think when you are born, you are zero, but one second into it, you are one second old...and so on.

phlegmfatale said...

Damn skippy about Tom Cruise being lucky - he totally NEEDS sunglasses because he is already squinty enough!

Spinning Girl said...

When I was young my cousins and I played a game called "John and Maria," which involved dry-humping and a golf ball down the pants for whoever gopt to play "John."

True story.

So much better than Cops and Robbers and/or Pimps.