8/16/2007

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*I’ve never seen a ghost, but I’ve met many others who have. Other people see ghosts all the time. Strangely, the ghost never appears in the shower or the ladies’ locker room, which is where I’d hang out should I wax ethereal. Anyway, I used to believe there were no such things as ghosts. But now that I’ve met so many ghost-seers, I’m beginning to think it’s just me. I’m so terribly uninteresting and boring, they don’t bother to visit. How poor must your self-esteem be to long for a poltergeist haunting? Welcome to my world.

*If substances aggravating allergies are called “allergens,” and substances causing carcinomas are called “carcinogens,” then why aren’t foods that make you fart called “flatulegens?”

*Colleges are wasting time and resources by teaching stupid-shit classes. Here are some college classes I’d like to see offered: Sarcasm 101, Mastering Road Rage, Advanced Crockpot Cooking, Your Penis and You (for men), and for women: Men, Behind the Bullshit.

*If I ever get a job as a courtroom bailiff, I’ll make a habit of placing bang-caps under the judge’s gavel. That prank will never get old. Sure, occasionally the judge will hold me in contempt, but it’ll be worth it to see a courtroom full of people duck and cover.

*How come Indians never win the archery competition at the Olympics?

*My wife originally objected to the idea of mounting a mirror over our bed. But then I explained to her that it was a funhouse mirror. As long as we position correctly, her ass looks the size of a grapefruit and my junk appears bigger than a summer sausage. Everybody wins!

*Innovative idea #72: Why don’t they install the garbage disposal underneath the dishwasher? Then you wouldn’t have to scrape.

*Do you think there’s a filthy rich person out there with such a warped sense of majesty that he’s hired a personal ass-wiper? If I ever come into big money, I might hire one. But you can bet I’ll pay him well. Plus I’ll arrange a swell benefits package including disability insurance, what in case he develops carpal-tunnel syndrome.

40 comments:

phishez_rule said...

You are a very strange and twisted (but funny and interesting) individual.

Hammer said...

There was a professional ass wiper in the English royal court back in the day, he was paid more than most.

I would proabably be fired for trying to use a high pressure hose.

tornwordo said...

The funhouse mirror is a hoot. But I would be laughing too much to get serious.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Uh...where'd you get that mirror anyways? ;)

Stepping Over the Junk said...

I have a mirror.

kissashark said...

All you have to do is wait till you're older LBB, one day you too can be sitting in a nursing home with some guy wiping your wrinkly butt!

Ari said...

Tip of the Day: Use ice cubes to clean your garbage disposal. Just chunk 'em in, run a little cold water and grind! (You're welcome.)

Also, I think the gavel bang-caps would be most hilarious in some kind of an East coast/West coast gangsta rapper trial. Fun and/or a needless bloodbath for all!!

Susan as herself said...

My father is retired, but works part time as a bailiff... I will pass on your suggestion.

sudiegirl said...

The professional ass-wiper? Not a career I care to purse, TYVM. I think that's why bidets were invented, right?

Jenny! said...

I think that the people who see ghosts are whacked! I don't see shit either...I think I am too scary for the supernatural!

The fun house mirror is fantastic idea...but not the kind that makes the top look small and the bottom look big!

snowelf said...

Lbb--you are a riot!!

And did you know they have dishwashers with garbage disposals inside. My parents have one and it kicks ass. I hate scraping!!

--snow

jali said...

Still thinking...


No. I don't have a response to any of today's post.

Little Wing said...

I too would like to know where you got the fun house mirror........just curious, ya know!

Scottsdale Girl said...

You can have the mirror in my bathroom. that fucker makes EVERYTHING look larger...

Oh great One said...

You never disappoint! I never thought of a fun house mirror. That would solve all sorts of issues....

Chunks said...

I have a garbage disposal dishwasher and it is the shit!

Sidebar: You are nuts. :)

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Damn, they already invented those? No such thing as an original idea, I guess.

Avatar said...

Who would answer a want ad for "Personal Ass-Wiper; No Experience Necessary"?

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Ok, seriously. Is there really anything behind the bullshit? Really?

MONA said...

Ghosts! I have not seen one either. I guess they do not 'inflict' ladies showers because ladies toiling under them could be so tortorous to watch...for example trying to scrub off that mole on her ass...That is so scary even for a ghost to watch!

I know, in English they don't have a name called flatulegen, but In Hindi we do have such a name for food like that...LOL!

I like the sarcasm & road rage classes!


Duck for cover & maybe one or two dead with a heart attack too! Huh?

Indians HAVE won the archery competioton at Olympics, A person called captain Sharma won the gold! Update!

Really? Is the mirror over your bed Customised?

scraping is yuck!

& they do they do. They had ass wipers too! Ask Mr knowitall aka G man aka Galen. I read a post on that one at his place a few days ago & he enumerated the list of ppl who had them!

Miss Cellania said...

Flatulogen is a good word! Or at least, useful.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Whatever happened to armpit jokes? Didn't you used to tell those?

Maybe I'm thinking of some sane person....

jellyhead said...

Hmmmm.... you are scary and weird yet curiously readable.

And re your comment on my blog (re a woman's underwear being a measure of the woman)- I think you could be right. I have several sparky, funny friends who wear dull-as-dishwater shoes but underneath have racy lingerie. See if you can persuade masses of women bloggers to do underwear posts instead. (except I'm opting out because I'm way too much of a prude)

Hope you're having a great weekend!

Spinning Girl said...

I once saw Casper ... and let me tell you? Not so friendly.

Peter said...

I had never given it any thought before LBB, but I've never seen a ghost either, perhaps we need to compare boring lives?

Palm Springs Savant said...

these are hilarious. I have to hand it to you, I like your style.

Janet said...

Yes, but the real question is are you afraid of any ghosts? I know, for instance Ray Parker Jr. isn't. I think he's in the minority though.

Midas said...

Kings and Queens have ass-wiper. Evidently, it's an honor to wipe a royal ass.

I think my children at one time or the other think of me as a royalty. They'd invade my space as I am trying to do my business and offer to wipe my ass...but those only came before they turn 15 months. After that, they seem to stay far, far away...of course, not minding that I am still changing their diapers.

Laurie said...

So almost peed at the archery thing. That was one close call there.

ADW said...

Ass-wiper is good.... I know so many people who would qualify for that position.

random moments said...

I wish they'd label the foods that make you fart flatulegens so I'd stay away from them. Damn mystery food.

I would so take the Men, Behind the Bullshit course. Wait. Would it be good or bad if you failed that course? Hmm.

Elaine said...

"*How come Indians never win the archery competition at the Olympics?"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I have no comment except that my sides ache.

Beth said...

I'm supposed to be scraping my dishwasher!!?? With what? For what? AYE!!!

FYI, I believe there is a store out there called the Stupid Shit Store and I've received a number of lame-o presents from it.

Love the mirror over the bed idea. I'd like one to follow me around so everyone sees the distorted version. :)

~Fathairybastard~ said...

All those celebs with bruisers guarding their rug rats, it's a regular thing now.

~Fathairybastard~ said...

And those classes would rock. I want to audit the one. You know.

mcBlogger said...

I prefer to slap my dishwasher on the ass and promise sexual favours later. It's never failed me. Scraping or no scraping!

phlegmfatale said...

King Louis XIV had an ass-wiper.

Superstar said...

#2 Sarcasim 101... someone watched "accepted" the movie!!!!
*giggles*\

Lucy said...

Yeah, the college courses are sort of a joke nowadays. I got an A in "History of Rock and Roll," which will never be useful unless I got a job as Top VJ at MTV. And we all know that MTV doesn't play music or videos any more...

Nice coming across your blog. You seem to have a tongue-in-cheek personality in your writing. And you're definitely humorous. Feel free to stop by my spot. I'm a standup comedienne in NYC, blogging her way to stardom. I would love your input!

Memphis Steve said...

"Mastering Road Rage"

I'd take this class so long as it came with a lab that included advanced martial arts training.