8/03/2007

Women love jerks?

Men often suspect that women love jerks. First, they see a few lovely women pursuing jerks. This baffles them. Then they see it time and time again. How peculiar, men think. As the years go by and they observe even more of the same, they grow ever more frustrated. It can’t just be coincidence. After years of “field research” in which they observe the same phenomenon, they propose a theory: Women secretly love jerks who treat them like dirt. Upon making this discovery, nice guys throw their hands up in disgust (presumably after removing them from their penises) and declare that nice guys don’t stand a chance.

I believe these men are jumping to conclusions. Women hounding jerks only to have their hearts broken and re-broken by the same brutes are anecdotal and by no means suggest that all women want a bad boy. These jerks have a secret: they’re really nice guys, too.

The problem with the women-love-jerks theory is that it’s an incomplete theory. Jerk-loving is merely part of a deeper, more complex motivation driving women to certain kinds of men. The truth is, one must be a saint and a scoundrel to attract women. At any given time, any given woman might crave a nice guy or a jerk. They want both, preferably in the same man. This is what women mean when they claim to “want it all.” So cultivate both your sainthood and your jerkdom. You’ll need them both to stand a chance.

For example, buy a girl something thoughtful and romantic for her birthday. Here’s a choice example: Hand pick her favorite chocolates from a chocolateer, and also, buy her some lingerie. What girl wouldn’t melt for gifts like these? Her favorite chocolates have a personal touch and hint that she’s sweet. The lingerie shows how sexy you find her. Chocolate and lingerie – classic combo.

But you can’t stop there. You’ve only got the nice guy part of the equation covered. You have counterbalance the gesture with a tactical blow of cruelty. So, after giving her the chocolates and lingerie, remind her that eating the chocolates is a bad idea because at the rate she’s gaining weight, she won’t be able to fit into her other gift!

That’s a classic left jab-right cross combo. Here’s another doozie. Tell the girl you’ve got tickets for two to a live show. She’ll beam with excitement. Then, when date night arrives, surprise her by bringing her to one of Michael Vick’s dogfights. Front row, sweetheart! We’re rooting for that mean-looking motherfucker with the gold fang. Rip his throat out, Fido!

A biting quip often helps contrast your nice-guy image and makes you interesting just when she’s getting bored with your sweetness. I hate to toot my own horn, but I’ve used the quip with great success. In fact, hurtful quips are my specialty. I still remember my first. I was walking to school with my girlfriend. She was carrying my backpack, as I was on crutches at the time (I told her it was an old Viet Nam injury; she ate it up. I think I worked in saving the life of a young, Vietnamese child or some shit). Anyway, at one point, she apologized for being a smartass. I shot back, “Well, it can’t be too smart.” “Why is that?” she asked. I replied, “It obviously doesn’t know the meaning of the word ‘exercise.’” LBB, 15; girlfriend, love.

You’d think she’d take great offense to this insensitive and hurtful remark. Just the opposite! She loved it -- not at the time, of course. If memory serves, she physically assaulted me. But later that day, she had a gleam in her eye. She couldn’t get enough of ole LBB. And I learned something: You have to be cruel to be kind. Also, it helps if the girl feels sorry for you. I was a helpless little gimp with a broken leg. Those crutches paid dividends. My entire senior year was ass-n-tits soup! What on account of I was so pathetic and all. To you single fellas out there, I encourage you to facture a femur or shin bone. Ass-n-tits soup.

I hope the above discussion brings clarity to the women-love-jerks myth. Although there’s a particle of truth to it, it neglects the importance of being a nice guy from time to time. Use this bit of wisdom to your advantage, fellas. Nurture your sainthood and jerkdom. Now go break a leg!

41 comments:

Video X said...

Very interesting theory. I think I'm going to use this one! I was just recently told that I'm attracted to "abusive men," which I wholeheartedly disagree with. In fact, the person who said it to me is no longer in good standing being that he is an ass for saying that. It kind of assumes women are all stupid. My biggest pet peeve is the assumption of stupidity. I learned that I can easily spot a total jerk. But then I learned that I now have to watch out for the jerk pretending to be nice only to eventually manipulate someone into accepting their ass-ness. I will forever be single. Boo.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

You nailed it, LBB...we want it all. I never looked for the jerk as much as I did the bad boy...but then, most bad boys are jerks too...so...well, I guess you've got me there.

Oh, and if The PK ever made cracks about my ass like that (yes, pun intended), he wouldn't NEED to fracture his own femur or shin bone...I'd do it for him. ;)

Now e-mail me, dammit...so I can send you an invite to my blog.

Chunks said...

I've never been a big lover-of-the-jerk. My guy is a good guy. He is a total goofball though and occasionally talks like Sylvester the Cat. This doesn't qualify as a jerk though does it?

Peter said...

Hi LBB ass-n-tits soup is tits-n-fanny soup here in Oz, and fanny doesn't refer to ass here BTW, but having said that its all much the same if you can play the game right.

Hammer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Hammer said...

Dang, you just explained to me why I went dateless through most of the 80's. I should have tempered my nice guy with a sprinkle of jerkface

Jack K. said...

At last, someone has finally answered the question all America has been asking.

Thanks, LBB. You may be the only one who is qualified to answer the question. tehee, giggle. guffaw and a great big snerx.

Queen of Dysfunction said...

Ahhh... you have much insight. Yet you have forgotten the role that Female Re-Education 101 plays in the whole thing in which we women are taught that bruises equal love. Now you can really go break a leg!

Scottsdale Girl said...

For me? A guy just needs to be witty.


And have a big dick.

Oh great One said...

We're no different than you men really. You want a saint in the daylight and a whore in the bedroom. We want gentleman in the daylight and someone to pull our hair in the bedroom! I can't believe I just typed that.

CruiserMel said...

Well, you kinda got it. All but the part about getting a big butt. So yeah, go break a femur or something. (that part actually does work......didn't a serial killer use that one?)

Happy weekend!

Little Wing said...

The way I understand it.....we want a guy like dear old dad........
something every dad should know.

Stepping Over the Junk said...

Heh. Well. I always went for the jerks. I went for the guys who hit me and well, such. What I realize is I want a man who does manly things (not macho-jerk-like, but rugged and manly) yet also puts thought and consideration into the relationship/me/us. The jerk side tends to be more of the challenge that every human being seems to gravitate towards. A guy likes the chase of a girl. A girl like the chase of making a jerk soften. I finally realize it isnt worth it.

tornwordo said...

What a lucky guy, tits 'n ass soup senior year in high school.

Dave Morris said...

Ahhhhhh! So I was supposed to sprinkle in some "nice guy" along the way?

Who knew.

Midas said...

Well, that explains it all.

Although I can honestly say that I am one girl who's an exception to this whatever.

Jerk is a big turn-off for me. In fact, I've rejected quite a lot of "nice" guys because of their jerk streak. Can't stand it. My "feelings" get hurt so easily and I get really vengeful. (think stabbing with fork, or gouging out eyeball with a soup spoon, or skewering said jerk's but with a bamboo stick)

See what I mean? And being angry, it's just too much work. I'd rather use up what extra energy I have to have sex, or sit and read my book, or reach for my secret stash of chocolate on the very top shelf I have to fucking pile up two chairs to get it.

Yeah, being around a jerk brings out the violent in me. That's why I told my husband, he'd better not ask me too many times to tie him up because he might not be happy with what he gets!

Jenny! said...

None of that matters...its all about the dick!

Miss Cellania said...

Hmmm, I believe your theory holds water better with young and inexperienced women. Personally, I'm getting to the point where my main requirement in a man is a pulse.

tl said...

I see women every day who love the jerk. Hey - someone's gotta. Idiots.

Little Wing said...

For the record, I do NOT like jerks!

C said...

Oh well ... I guess that's why I am still not dating - too many guys really believe this.

Beth said...

I have to agree. We want someone who is nice but not a total pushover. I mean, I would like to be the woman in my relationship. But we don't want a 100% asshole either.

And honestly, now that I'm in my 30's, I don't want a jerk so much as I want a MAN. I do not want someone who I can manipulate and walk all over. I need someone who can hold their own in our relationship and can go head to head with me and my sense of humor. No jerk need apply.

Webmiztris said...

jerks aren't good for anything except booty calls. I like nice guys. :)

random moments said...

Women want a man who's both a nice guy and a bad boy? So to summarize your post - chics really want bipolar men. Sweet.

Note to self: frequent the mental ward.

Mo said...

It's scary how well you know women.

Bridget Jones said...

I only MARRY jerks, don't date them (anymore)

OldHorsetailSnake said...

A woman who thinks I'll break a leg for her needs a crack in the headbone.

NWJR said...

I'm confused. Nothing new there.

Sassy Blondie said...

Women end up pursuing jerks because nice men like ball-busting bitches. Us girls next door stand no chance, so we end up falling for some jerk asshole.It's a vicious cycle where up is down and black is white. Trust me. I know this.

snowelf said...

Though I don't want a jerk, I also know I can't date a guy who is "too nice." or whines a lot. Yuck. It just doesn't work for me. For a guy to be a attractive to me, he has to act like a guy, not a doormat. I need a guy who knows the difference between when to hug me and when to hug me and grab my boob.

--snow

MONA said...

Hey! What a real Jerk you are! & I love you!

& That is not Tits and Ass soup. That is Tits and Ass MEAT soup!

& Now for the real knowledge... women running after the jerk has nothing to do with his jerkdom or sainthood. It has Everything to do with her Ego.She is hoping to CONVERT him from jerk to a saint.It is a power trip!

& Hey! Want to know what men want? Come to my blog!

SHADOW said...

Great post! There's a lot of truth to what you said; hate to admit it as I am a female. But I've also realized recently this jerk/nice guy theory proves true for myself no matter how much I (or any other woman) wants to deny it. It is true: there has to be a balance. I did crack up reading this though!

Ari said...

Apparently an ample ass makes the best soup.

Becky said...

I know this topic all too well. Yes, I am guilty of loving jerks, as a matter of fact I even married one! But we like to call him asshole not jerk, jerk is too nice.

Little Wing said...

Women Love. End of sentence.

And you should be thankful!!!!!!!!

Spinning Girl said...

Not only do I like being treated poorly, but I prefer to be objectified at every opportunity.

Ashley said...

I'm not so sure about this nice guy/jerk deal...if a guy took me to Michael Vick's dog fights he would probably get thrown in the pit!

SHADOW said...

Thanks for the comment!

http://tychomusic.com/

It's hard not to fall in love with his type of sound.

Violet said...

i think you pegged it pretty perfectly... if there weren't these types of men, there wouldn't be any great make-up sex.

Janet said...

A lot of women love to pursue the jerks just to get credit for being the ones to reform them. Be it arts and crafts projects or molding of mere mortals, women go all in.:)

Memphis Steve said...

I experimented with this theory once on a girl I had no interest in. Unfortunately my friend was nuts about her and it really pissed him off. She, of course, threw herself at me immediately, proving that the theory is indeed quite true. Too bad I couldn't keep it up when girls I really wanted came along. I was just too weak.