9/18/2007

A few bullets never hurt anybody

I can't quit cold turkey, guys! Here we go...

  • I have a pair of Blueblocker sunglasses that enhance my 3-D vision. In fact, they give me 4-D vision. I can see ghosts and spirits and whatnot. On a clear day I can see a point to actors’ ramblings at the Oscars.
  • I saw a guy on a motorcycle intentionally blow a red light and chance a left-hand turn against oncoming traffic. I thought to myself, Why stop there? Why not run around a field during a thunderstorm while holding a flagpole? Use your brain, Evil Knievel.
  • I like the word “undesirables” to describe vagrants, lowlifes, bums and hippies/street folk. I like “undesirables” because it’s at once the most delicate way and the most condescending way to describe an aforementioned individual. I’m not saying he’s a bad person; he’s merely an undesirable. Arrest him and billy club him within an inch of his pathetic life.
  • I don’t like it when the title of a song doesn’t appear as a lyric within the song. For example, if you name a song XYZ, I’d better hear the lyric “XYZ” somewhere in the song, preferably in the chorus. Don’t go getting artsy on me and naming your song something other than what you sing. Who the hell is Baba O’Riley, anyway?
  • When I put away my iPod, I pull it out of my ears and place the device in a drawer or my console. Later, when I return for my iPod, the headphone cord is tangled in about 27 loops, knots, coils and rattails. It looks like Rainman spent half a day tying the most complex series of knots his geometrically gifted brain could conceive. How does this happen every time? You’d think once or twice my iPod would just stay exactly as I fucking left it, what with it being an inanimate object and all. Moments like these are when I fear the universe is plotting against me.
  • Here’s some free advice: don’t eat anything salty for about a week after consuming a bowl of Capt’n Crunch cereal. Instead, eat aloe vera gel and candle wax. It’s not the tastiest fare, but it’ll coat the roof of your mouth while it regenerates.
  • The best thing about being bilingual is, you have twice as many names to call your spouse when you’re fighting with him/her. Say, how do you say cunt in Zimbabwe?
  • They have waffles at the Waffle House. They have donuts at the Donut Hut. But strangely, you don’t find many parents at Planned Parenthood.
  • New from the makers of HeadOn: JockOn, apply directly to the scrotum... JockOn, apply directly to the scrotum... JockOn, apply directly to the beanbag. Available at Walgreens and other fine stores.
  • I think it would be cool if gangs went retro. Instead of Bloods and Crips, how about Negroes and Spaniards?
  • When did "t" replace "ed" for past tense verbs? Burnt? Learnt? Whoever started this can go get fuckt.

67 comments:

NWJR said...

The iPod phenomenon isn't limited to electronics. Put two Barbie dolls in a box and open it six weeks later, and it'll be full of Barbie and her friends. Toys breed. There's no other explanation.

Scottsdale Girl said...

AAAAAAAH! Thank Jeebus that I am not the only one with satanic ipod earphone cords.

Midas said...

LOL. I love your bulletins. Did I tell you I read out loud to the husband so he can lough his his off?

I know what you mean about ipod headphones. I wish they'd come up with cordless headphones...so nothing tangles. I mean cell phones have them...have you seen those Borg, err, I mean, people with earpieces who looks like Star Trek extras? Why can't ipod make one for ipod people?

Maniac said...

I like very much your "bullet-ins" LBB, I hope you always write them.

Lyvvie said...

I have headphones trouble too, try this It really helps.

Planned Parenthood is an oxymoron of sorts, as it's really Parenthood Avoidance.

Is it crips? I always thought it was "crypts" and thought, these gangs watch way too many horror movies. And why shoot everyone? As gang fans of horror movies, really they should be meeting in abandoned buildings wielding machetes and pointy pencils. Preferably the building is also on the mouth of Hell. (maybe *I* watch too many horror movies?)

I think the "t" stuff began with dreamt. And someone thought it was fash-talk. Stupid Fash people.

Lyvvie said...

Parenthood Prevention! That's what it should be called, and it rhymes which is always a plus. Sorry.

Franki said...

I call all my exes Undesirables. If they don't like it, I call them Pussies.

Turnbaby said...

""I like the word “undesirables” to describe vagrants, lowlifes, bums and hippies/street folk. I like “undesirables” because it’s at once the most delicate way and the most condescending way to describe an aforementioned individual. I’m not saying he’s a bad person; he’s merely an undesirable. Arrest him and billy club him within an inch of his pathetic life.""

BRILLIANT!!!

random moments said...

Uh I hate the tangled cord thing! I can never understand that either...

Maybe I should have learnt to wrap the cord neatly. :)

Mo said...

The commercial for HeadOn is bad enough. I can only imagine how disturbing it would be as JockOn.

snowelf said...

Oh.so.totally.agree. about Cap'n Crunch!!!!


--snow

Oh great One said...

I used to LOVE peanut butter cap'n crunch. Last time I tried it I went into a sugar coma! What was I thinking?

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

yeah, I think its, like, super-deep and thought provoking when singers name their song "untitled".

NOT!

is it still socailly acceptable to use "not" jokes?

Lady in the street... said...

Hahah...I thought I was the only one with the earphone trouble!

And the song title thing bugs the hell outta me!

Stepping Over the Junk said...

The word "scrotum" makes me laugh hysterically...I am not sure why.

Loving Annie said...

R.A.O.T.F.L.M.A.O. !!!!!

You crack me up, Rich ! snicker. Hee-hee. :)

And I've got to remember that about the Captain Crunch...

Loving Annie

Queen of Dysfunction said...

I think your iPod and my iPod must have a secret pact to render themselves mostly useless between being used because mine does the same exact thing. Bastardo!

Miss Cellania said...

Here's how to untangle your ipod earphones:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zgYEZmgW8H4

Chunks said...

Capt'n Crunch is like eating a bowl of glass. I haven't carved my yap on that stuff in years!

I enjoy the term "rubby-dubbies" to describe "undesirables" It's like rubber ducky but different.

How many Cinnamon Twists did you have before you sat down at this post? (I'm so jealous!!)

ZenDenizen said...

Just found this blog today, enjoyed your observations!

Rach said...

Yeah but I bet you still have the ends on your iPod ears, unlike mine........the little people got hold of some scizzors and the shit hit the fan.

tornwordo said...

So funny about the Cap'n Crunch. Like munching on steel wool.

sue said...

I lovet this! ;)

mutleythedog said...

Phone chargers do that as well - thats not funny. But true.

So why then? Are our houses infested with wire tangling imps?

Elaine said...

JackON! LOL! Imagine the commercial for that product...

Enemy of the Republic said...

You rule! I asked myself the same question about Baba O'Reilly. WTF!!!

Fantastagirl said...

LOL... eat aloe vera gel and candle wax - unfortunately -you are very correct. How the kids can eat that crap is beyond me.

Turnbaby said...

Hmmm back to add something more comprehensive pithy and erudite but...exhausted and struggling to get my one year anniversary post sorted. Wanted to give you a head's up that when I get that fucker done you'll be in there. Not that it's any big deal--just sayin' ;-)

Little Wing said...

Rich, someone should invent cords that are like them cool tape measures...push a button out it comes.....push button again and back in it goes......jeez that sounds kinda naughty and I didn't mean it that way.....

MONA said...

First of all HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Now let me speak!

Where do I buy some Blueblocker sunglasses. Me wanna see ghosts too!!

Guy on motorcycle.. tch tch, what a stupid way to die...You way sounds much better!

Yeah. Undesireable .'Undesireable ELEMENTS' actually

Me neither. I want the title IN the lyrics too. I want to HEAR it sung.

Ipod debacle! You are so right there> I hate it when it happens to my wires and sewing threads. We should have staple guns & wireless ipods! & things!

Thank God we don't have Captain crunch in India!

I don't know about Zimbabwe, but I could teach you a mouthful in Hindi ;)

Of course you won't get parents there. remember the word PLANNED came first> so you would get only Plans there.

We dont have walmarts here yet :)

India has its own set of Gang with very fine names too as you know :)

Yeah... fuckt & suckt too!

phishez_rule said...

That guy on the bike has a deathwish. Only explanation I can think of.

Or he's the highlander and wants to test his immortality.

MONA said...

...and also be slapt...

Btwn, I came back to say...I would only teach you a mouthful if You would allow me to counter teach your wife a counter mouthful..

I am a 'fair' person...

Beth said...

I'm so glad I'm not the only weirdo who hates when words in the song title aren't any of the lyrics. The people that create these masterpieces do this to mess with us, I know it.

I prefer the Sharks and the Jets myself.

Webmiztris said...

ha! the planned parenthood and fuckt ones are my favorites!

Little Wing said...

that's kind of fuckt up!

B said...

Hey

Thanks for stopping by my blog!

Love yours - have had a quick read as I am at work- I will be back

and thanks for the blogroll idea - I need something like that to keep track of all the great blogs I come across

Have a great day! :)

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

You haven't been to my local PP branch. Lot's of moms and daughters. It's about bein poor and getting the free pills.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Oh - I got all high horsey and forgot to say how right on you are about the Cap'n

david mcmahon said...

G'day from Australia,

Followed your link from Queen of Dysfunction - and I'm so glad I did.

I agree entirely with the use of ``undesirables'' - remind me one day to post the origin of the word ``hoodlum''. It's fascinating.

I'm supposed to be finishing off a second novel for Penguin but here I am visiting your blog and really enjoying it.

If I miss my deadline (I won't!!) I'm blaming you, mate ...

Cheers

David

Sassy Blondie said...

Cap 'n Crunch should be labeled a weapon. The peanut butter one coats your mouth with some kind of permanent film, and the other kind skins the roof of your mouth! Damn!

The undesirables...I concur with the group...BRILLIANT!

Would gangs going retro mean they would have those groovy multi-colors rather than just the red and blue?

Isn't the t replacement really an Great Britain Queen's English thing?

Susan as herself said...

Yup--my Ipod cord does the same damn thing. I rail daily at the heavens over this.

Naked Boy said...

I hate the "t" instead of "ed". I think it's an English thing. I find it very disturbing. But then again I say "wanna" instead of "want to" when blogging.

Naked Boy said...

Of course it's an "English thing", I meant British thing.

jillie said...

Man I haven't had a bowl of capt'n Crunch in YEARS. I think just out of curiosity, I am going to have to go and buy me some...lol!!!

Undesirables. That's going to be my new word of the week.

lol@the rest ;o)

Hammer said...

yeah I just had to pry the captain crunch away from my kids in the store. The commercial doesn't say anything about it being like chewing on razorblades.

Crazy Me said...

The dreaded IPOD cord. Pain in the bootie!

appletini said...

Ugh! Capt'n Crunch does that to me every time. But I do love me some of that cereal, especially with berries.

And what in the world is HeadOn for?!

Jamie Dawn said...

I like Cap'n Crunch cereal a LOT!
I like Crunch Berries too!!
I like cereal in general.
That is why I am carrying some extra pounds.
Well, that and my daily allotment of chocolate truffles.

I avoid Waffle House. They are all grease pits.
I like their hash browns though, I must admit.

Loving Annie said...

Hope that you have a great weekend ahead, Rich !

Damsel Underdressed said...

I missed the bullets!

Can you put on those glasses and come see my ghost?

Yoda said...

Fuckt!! That's priceless!! :-)

just me said...

I prefer the word

"burnded"


babies use it. It's cool.

Palm Springs Savant said...

the jockon is pretty funny. I know I've told u before, but your blogis a really fun read

Little Wing said...

I love cold turkey samwiches.

poopie said...

All is well now that I've had my bullet fix.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Captain Crunch- ha ha ha ha it does tend to tear the roof of the mouth up but for some reason one can never stop eating it until their bowl is empty....then they are stupid enough to go get another bowl full.

Loving Annie said...

Good Sunday evening the23rd to you, Rich !

So... it's been a week already since your last post... tapping foot... more, please !

Loving Annie

BottleBlonde said...

Yer bilingual? I'm bilingual, too! I speak English and Skankish. What about you?

Ari said...

I can't drive without the polarized lenses, either. Keeps me from hitting undesirables (which I will also be using to refer to street people for the foreseeable future).

True DAT about the Capt. Crunch!

I do love yer chatauquas (why does that sound dirty?) but don't stop the bullets! Ever!

Princess Extraordinaire said...

Love the gang issue.....and all of your rants as you are funny as hell...

Amandarama said...

I think the reason "t" gets substituted for "ed" is because English teachers are too lazy to teach their kids proper grammar. Except me. Because I rule.

Superstar said...

I love the T vs ED question.

I think I damn near hit your motorcycles' wife on her cell pphone who turned left infront of me at 40 MPH. Yeah!

~shakes head~

Dave Morris said...

With regard to the names of songs - I agree, they must contain at least a word or two from the song. And no fair naming them "The" or "It." (although Bread had a hit with "If.")

But what about instrumentals? For instance Deliverance should be named "Bearng bearng bearng boing dorng ding ding dang ding."

Memphis Steve said...

Planned Parenthood fixed it so that my sister can NEVER be a parent. Now that's what I call overdoing it.

Liquid said...

Why does beer not come in flavors as such does water and kool-aid?
Loved the post!

dalia said...

i laught my ass off at your post. and the negroes and spaniards thing?

it finisht me.

you so roxors.

Dan O. said...

I know this is late, but I just discovered your blog and am catching up on some past posts.

One of the songs I always wondered about, besides Baba O'Riley, was Rainy Day Women #12 & 35 by Bob Dylan.

Wonder what kind of pharmaceuticals were involved there. I mean, WTF?

Must have written that one while still recovering from his head injury.