- I have a pair of Blueblocker sunglasses that enhance my 3-D vision. In fact, they give me 4-D vision. I can see ghosts and spirits and whatnot. On a clear day I can see a point to actors’ ramblings at the Oscars.
- I saw a guy on a motorcycle intentionally blow a red light and chance a left-hand turn against oncoming traffic. I thought to myself, Why stop there? Why not run around a field during a thunderstorm while holding a flagpole? Use your brain, Evil Knievel.
- I like the word “undesirables” to describe vagrants, lowlifes, bums and hippies/street folk. I like “undesirables” because it’s at once the most delicate way and the most condescending way to describe an aforementioned individual. I’m not saying he’s a bad person; he’s merely an undesirable. Arrest him and billy club him within an inch of his pathetic life.
- I don’t like it when the title of a song doesn’t appear as a lyric within the song. For example, if you name a song XYZ, I’d better hear the lyric “XYZ” somewhere in the song, preferably in the chorus. Don’t go getting artsy on me and naming your song something other than what you sing. Who the hell is Baba O’Riley, anyway?
- When I put away my iPod, I pull it out of my ears and place the device in a drawer or my console. Later, when I return for my iPod, the headphone cord is tangled in about 27 loops, knots, coils and rattails. It looks like Rainman spent half a day tying the most complex series of knots his geometrically gifted brain could conceive. How does this happen every time? You’d think once or twice my iPod would just stay exactly as I fucking left it, what with it being an inanimate object and all. Moments like these are when I fear the universe is plotting against me.
- Here’s some free advice: don’t eat anything salty for about a week after consuming a bowl of Capt’n Crunch cereal. Instead, eat aloe vera gel and candle wax. It’s not the tastiest fare, but it’ll coat the roof of your mouth while it regenerates.
- The best thing about being bilingual is, you have twice as many names to call your spouse when you’re fighting with him/her. Say, how do you say cunt in Zimbabwe?
- They have waffles at the Waffle House. They have donuts at the Donut Hut. But strangely, you don’t find many parents at Planned Parenthood.
- New from the makers of HeadOn: JockOn, apply directly to the scrotum... JockOn, apply directly to the scrotum... JockOn, apply directly to the beanbag. Available at Walgreens and other fine stores.
- I think it would be cool if gangs went retro. Instead of Bloods and Crips, how about Negroes and Spaniards?
- When did "t" replace "ed" for past tense verbs? Burnt? Learnt? Whoever started this can go get fuckt.
A few bullets never hurt anybody
I can't quit cold turkey, guys! Here we go...