9/25/2007

OK, one more round...

I'm dreaming up another chautauqua. It's either going to be about the importance of faith, or an ode to the doughnut. I'm not sure. In the meantime, here are some more bullet-ins.

  • “Pedestrian” seems an ostentatious word for one who walks down a roadway. That’s like calling drivers auto-commissioners. Why don’t we call pedestrians walkers?
  • No matter what you choose, your dessert will not satisfy you until in comprises 400 – 500 calories. Measure for yourself. Take, for example, Oreo cookies. At 50 calories a shot, Oreos won’t satisfy you until you’ve eaten 8, perhaps as many as 10. Bingo, you're at 400 calories. Likewise with ice cream. Approximate the portion you eat. Multiply that by the calories per portion. I’ll bet you’re at 400 - 500, at least. Cake, brownies, chocolate? It doesn’t matter. Your body knows what it wants: 400 – 500 calories of junk food.
  • All human motivation descends from a handful of directives: Eat (the more calories, the better), have sex (the fitter for reproduction, the better), seek favorable environment (the more comfortable and accommodating, the better), avoid boredom, gain love and acceptance from peers, evoke envy in peers, maintain health, laugh, safeguard the family and tribe.
  • Designers and engineers never give enough thought to making things easy to remove and replace. I think it’s arrogance. They never suspect the stuff they build may one day need repair.
  • I wish people would root for American military forces overseas as exuberantly as their favorite sports teams. T.O. gets more latitude than a Guantanamo prison guard. Something’s wrong with that.
  • I miss the smell of freshly sharpened pencils and an eraser reciprocating across a page. In a few years, when computers saturate classrooms, these crude writing instruments will go extinct.
  • I wish farts were brightly colored instead of clear. Then inconsiderate people would think twice before cuddling one out in the elevator or while in line at the bank.
  • Aircraft don’t just fly wherever they please. They fly on a network of “skyways.” How do pilots know when they’re on the skyway? There aren’t any lines or medians or street signs. And when they fly to England, do they have to jump to the other side of the skyway? Do the skyways have names like roadways? I wonder if there’s a Martin Luther King Boulevard in the sky somewhere, perhaps over Compton airspace.
  • Some people lay poison around their property to kill invading insects. I’m more of a sportsman. I enjoy hunting insects with a nail gun. A cockroach will take 2 or three shots before he goes down, unless you score a headshot. Flying insects are a real challenge. I took a few potshots at a moth and disabled my garage door opener.
  • When I study the works of Leonardo da Vinci, I don’t just feel stupid, I feel sub-human. How can one person be that brilliant? I hope God evened the score by giving him a tiny dick. Dago bastard.
  • I’d like to play a joke on skydivers in which their ripcord was actually a party favor. They pull the cord and confetti explodes from a blast cap. For the reserve shoot, I’d like the cord to pull their pants down. If the joke is to be any good, you can’t let the little bastard die with his dignity.

54 comments:

NWJR said...

"How can one person be that brilliant? I hope God evened the score by giving him a tiny dick."

Well, there's the explanation (or perhaps excuse) I've been looking for.

Thanks, Mr. LBB!

tornwordo said...

The tiny dick thing explains a lot, lol. Also, so true about the dessert calories. And the human motivation.

Jeannie said...

Some very good points.
However, the Maytag designers DO think of future repairs and theirs are apparently the easiest appliances to work on. Some repair guy told my mother that. I wouldn't know. My Maytag has never needed a repair. I wonder what happened to all those commercials they used to do.

~gkw said...

This was SO Funny, I loved them all!!

Elaine said...

I have ALWAYS wished that farts were colored too! haha! I always wonder what color my fart would be or would it have some kind of smell indicator yellow - mild to no smell,
blue- pretty smelly,
green - rotting corpse
red - don't be lightin' a match around this bitch!

random moments said...

Colored farts: Its like when you tell kids if they pee in the pool, the pee will turn purple (or what ever color) and everyone will know! *gasp*

It could back lash though. I have a feeling if farts were brightly colored, there would be a breed of people that used them to snag a mate. Kind of like peacocks - the brighter and more colorful, the more of a stud you are.

snowelf said...

I think I may have been to the Compton Airspace...

--snow

Midas said...

Have you seen the MAD TV fart skit? It was wonderful! I wish fart aroma/stinky can be made to order. I would fart vanilla and roses morning and night. I don't think I'd fart chocolate.I don't think I'd want my butt licked by an avid chocolate lover. :P

Preposterous Ponderings said...

It would be so cool if we could fart in colors but mine would have to match my shoes.

Webmiztris said...

you're so right about the 400-500 calorie thing. I try to stop at 6 Oreos, because otherwise I feel like a hog, but my body definitely WANTS 8-10!

SQT said...

Now I'm imagining rainbows coming out of peoples a$$e$. Wouldn't that be fun in a way? You could try to guess what they had for breakfast by the colors that come out.

Brown = I sure as heck hope you just had a chocolate pop tart.

qofd said...

I disagree with the dessert thing. I mean, it's true about the 500 calorie mark but that's not all there is to it. It has to do some liver damage too. For instance, a flambe drowned in liquer or something that has "120 proof" in the ingredients.

Lyvvie said...

I've often thought farts should have coloured clouds too! AND I've thought poolwater should change colour if someone pees in it.

People are gross.

Turnbaby said...

OMG

I literally spewed water when I read the farts comment!!

Actually all of these are great--I know you are trying to change the blog a little but it seems these are a part of who you are and what you like.

MONA said...

Ode to the doughnut please...actually it is my favorite nut!

Pedestrian is may be a mis spelt pedestrain which would onomatopoeiacally be something like straining your foot by pedaling on them.

Have you heard of sugarfree Sandesh from India? A plateful will be about 100 calories only & is delightfully delicious too!

ALL human motivations? What about BEING kidnapped, BEING swept away by the river current, BEING forced to swallow poison...

Designers and engineers...why, the DO give a lot of thought to it. Infact too much.They don't make things easy to remove and replace so that you will have to call them to do it for you [ opportunity to earn] & they not only suspect but they KNOW that the stuff they build will one day need repair. If they made it strong and lasting, who will come back to them and give them more work to do?

Guntanamo.. that is what is wrong...the name sounds like a mafia don!

Yeah.. how stupid can people get. See? they replace poor little pencils and erasers, so easy to carry, with those bulky electricity dependant computers, not so easy to carry.& them pencils and erasers are more strong and healthy too. They never get infected by any sort of virus.

What! you think that would wipe out Inconsideracy? colored farts have nothing to do with that. The inconsiderate will be inconsiderate. Only a new competition will begin. 'My fart is more brightly colored than your's'.'O yeah? well watch this one, can you produce such a hologram effect as mine?' 'Madonna is so rich, she farts gold'. " Angelina Jolie's glitter like diamonds on her baby's soother.'...& so on

They know the same way as the birds must know.I heard there are satellites and compasses to guide you there...I'd rather call them by bird's names, coz birds rule the skies.. So Albatross Boulevard maybe

What? & make those small insects make us run after them? I'd rather chase someone my size ;)

Doh.. does a huge dick make up for small brains? & I thought we have more sex with the brain than anything else...

You call that dying? Arey, That is one cord on the opening of which the Entire human Life exists!

jillie said...

Colored farts huh? OMG...I think Hanes and Fruit of The Loom would love the business....That is too funny. So would orange smell like oranges or tangerines? Red? Cherries or strawberries? I'm not EVEN going to ask about the green ones...lol

I TOTALLY agree with the enlisted vs. sports. That's just wrong.

As for the nail gun? Man I hope I don't EVER walk behind a bug if you're around. I already have enough holes in my head....lol!!

;o)

Memphis Steve said...

Dignity is overrated. Trust me on this.

Scottsdale Girl said...

Ok you got me giggling with Leonardo and his pecker.

I have been saying "chautauqua" in my head and outloud for the past several posts and perhaps I missed it but HOW THE FUCK DO YOU PRONOUNCE THAT?

the108 said...

You are incredible. LMAO!

C said...

You must be angry at someone to write like this. Who you hatin' on today? Can't just be men with small dicks that are smarter than you?

Ari said...

Looking at that short, true list of human motivations, I wonder if you're getting the same feeling I am... that as the years go by, you're just a visitor on a planet of simpletons. 'Course by the time I start feeling smug about that cogitation, I get distracted by the need for a sandwich or thoughts of a shag.

Bella said...

Am I the only one stressing about the though of no more pencils/pens/erasers???

Superstar said...

Remind me NEVER to go jumpping out of a plane w/ you!!!

LOL @ brightly colored farts and Skyways
Brilliant!
Simply
BRILLIANT!!!

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

I've often wondered why I've never spotted anybodys farts in the winter time the same way you see people's breath. Our clothes must be muffling it.

Anyhoo

I also wanted to say that I think arrogance is a good guess about bad design, but I've always thought it was a play on our natural inclination to consumerism. They want us to give up and just buy a newer version of whatever it is. I've had some iPod problems lately and those things are just simply not designed to be repaired at all let alone easily.

Thanks for your bullets, they are very amusing and I don't think I've ever written anything about farting before. It's very freeing.

Sports Mama Tracy said...

Ya know... if you just lock yourself in the pantry for dessert where no one can see you....

NONE of the calories count! :)

Stepping Over the Junk said...

"When I study the works of Leonardo da Vinci"...that's funny. You study da Vinci? When?

Becky said...

I've been dreaming of doughnuts lately... Maple covered doughnuts and boston creme doughnuts, mmmmm... Well damn, coincidently I have been considering going into law enforcement.

Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

"I wish people would root for American military forces overseas as exuberantly as their favorite sports teams."

If I had bigger hooters, I'd flash 'em, I swear I would! ;)

Little Wing said...

My girlfriend actually believed there was a pill her kids could take and if they peed in the pool it would turn purple.
I spend one day with her going to every pool shop in town while she asked for the pill.
Yea I know.
But I root for the underdog.

Loving Annie said...

Good Wednesdya evening to you, Rich !

Dessert doesn't count unless it is 500 calories - or more !!! :) Mhmmmm, apple pie with vanilla ice cream, reese's peanut butter cups, bananas foster....

"auto-commissioners" (snicker.)

Good summation of the directives !

Apt comment about the military forces too...

It'll be a sad day indeed when pencilsand books go the way of the dinosaur. And I fear we will see it in our lifetimes, too...

Farts OUGHT to be colored. And I ought to be able to let one rip in a smoker's face. She or He is polluting my air - why can't it be reciprocal ???

Only you would hunt an insect ! snort, smirk. Way to go, testosterone king, Lord of the universe, ! falls over giggling.

He must have had a tiny dick. Him and Michaelangelo. And Monet. And the builders of Chartres Cathedral in France. And, please remind me never to date a true artist for that reason... :)

Thanks for coming by my blog and commenting so much ! You are welconme to my home cooking anytime !

Loving Annie

just me said...

such nice words of wisdom you left me...

here's hoping it psychically got to the dude's brain.

;)

ADW said...

Bug - I love the insect hunting idea. I also believe that Da Vinci was gay. Really, really gay.

Shame that.

Susan as herself said...

My brother used to let mosquitos land on him, stab him with their blood-sucking noses, and fill up with blood. Then, at the precise moment, before they pulled out, he'd make a fist and that mosquito would usually explode. Gross, but semi-effective bug hunting.

Little Wing said...

rainbow farts would not go with my decor. I prefer warm earth colors.

Jamie Dawn said...

Da Vinci was indeed a smartie. I wish he would have invented a way to make farts smell like roses.
Didn't someone put some stuff in pool water that turned purple whenever anyone peed in the pool? Maybe that's just something someone told me when I was little so I wouldn't pee in the pool.
You are SO right about the 400-500 calorie junk food threshold. You just can't get that satisified feeling until you've overindulged. A single cookie or one doughnut just doesn't cut it.
I think you need to write The Ode to the Doughnut.
I would like to read that!!

Appletini said...

That would be so awesome...if farts were in colors! :)

Damsel Underdressed said...

"When I study the works of Leonardo da Vinci, I don’t just feel stupid, I feel sub-human. How can one person be that brilliant? I hope God evened the score by giving him a tiny dick. Dago bastard."

Hahahaha!

Ain't that the truth? If I find the perfect guy, I'm sure his weenie will be...well, weenie. ;)

Rach said...

I can imagine you stood in your garden, nailgun in hand, firing off rounds at the moth, with the garage door going up and down in the background, out of control. Hahahahahaha!

dalia said...

remind me never to come around when you've got a junebug situation going on...

Carolyn said...

I think that even if Leonardo had a small dick, he would still be having the last laugh. You see, women (and men...Leonardo was an equal opportunity kind-of guy) of taste screw guys because of the size of their brains, not their dicks. Let's face it, after the screwing it's nice to be able to have an intellegent conversation. I'm sure Leonardo got laid plenty! Besides, in the Renaissance people did a lot more thinking than we do now. Just imagine what we could all accomplish if we didn't spend so much time on our stupid computers.

Franki said...

I think they are called "walkers"...street walkers. Turns out prositutes are the logical ones. Go figure.

Teddy Bear Giraffe said...

The most enjoyable part of this read was your use of the term "cuddling one onut". Bravo!

Also, Da Vinci totally traced that stuff.

Loving the blog!
(you know who)

BottleBlonde said...

Can't say that I'm surprised that the majority of your comments are dedicated to the brightly colored fart. So I'll join in the festivities!

I don't need color to my farts. I just let 'em rip out loud for all to enjoy.

Ashley said...

Colored farts, eh??

I can see it now, siblings fighting over who can make the colors of the rainbow faster. haha...

I can completely see the classrooms getting away from the old pencil and paper...in my final year at school and all but one of my classes are 100% digital. Everything is done through e-mail. Crazy! It is kind of sad, what is going to happen with handwriting?

Princess Extraordinaire said...

God I love reading your blog and I absolutely laughed my ass off at the part about calories as it's so freakin true!

Amandarama said...

I think you are right on about the calorie/dessert thing. Half a container of Ben and Jerry's is about 500 calories.

Raggedy said...

I needed that laugh.
Thanks!
Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=':'=) hugs
(")_ (")Š from
the Cool Raggedy one

Loving Annie said...

Good Sunday evening to you, Rich !
How are you doing ?

You are linked in my "thank-you's" post today !

It's a pleasure to have reciprocal links with you... I have a feeling it will sharpen my dry sense of humor and give it freer reign :)

Await my next erotica post, my dear, for it to be revealed...
heh-heh.

Loving Annie

phishez_rule said...

My body can't count. It always adds up the calories wrong. Does that mean if I undercount, the excess don't count?

jillie said...

You know, I have a bug up my butt!!! LOL...

I've been trying to add your link and for some strange reason, I can't figure it out. So if you saw it up there and now you don't that's why. I need computer lessons I swear to God!

lol

Nice win over the Steelers!

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

I like the colored fart thing also. It would also be pretty cool if farts identified the culprit by their sound. Instead of sounding "ppffffft", they'd sound something like "FFFFFRRRRAAANNK ripped it"

Maniac said...

Love the colored farts thing.

You are the master at Bullet-Ins, Dear LBB. I will try to emulate this blogging tactic!

jillie said...

Yay...I fixed it!

Dan O. said...

" Designers and engineers never give enough thought to making things easy to remove and replace. I think it’s arrogance. They never suspect the stuff they build may one day need repair.

I've uttered this almost verbatim over my career as an electronic tech and every time I've ever worked on a vehicle. Even the placement of renewable parts such as oil filters is sometimes inexcusable.