- “Pedestrian” seems an ostentatious word for one who walks down a roadway. That’s like calling drivers auto-commissioners. Why don’t we call pedestrians walkers?
- No matter what you choose, your dessert will not satisfy you until in comprises 400 – 500 calories. Measure for yourself. Take, for example, Oreo cookies. At 50 calories a shot, Oreos won’t satisfy you until you’ve eaten 8, perhaps as many as 10. Bingo, you're at 400 calories. Likewise with ice cream. Approximate the portion you eat. Multiply that by the calories per portion. I’ll bet you’re at 400 - 500, at least. Cake, brownies, chocolate? It doesn’t matter. Your body knows what it wants: 400 – 500 calories of junk food.
- All human motivation descends from a handful of directives: Eat (the more calories, the better), have sex (the fitter for reproduction, the better), seek favorable environment (the more comfortable and accommodating, the better), avoid boredom, gain love and acceptance from peers, evoke envy in peers, maintain health, laugh, safeguard the family and tribe.
- Designers and engineers never give enough thought to making things easy to remove and replace. I think it’s arrogance. They never suspect the stuff they build may one day need repair.
- I wish people would root for American military forces overseas as exuberantly as their favorite sports teams. T.O. gets more latitude than a Guantanamo prison guard. Something’s wrong with that.
- I miss the smell of freshly sharpened pencils and an eraser reciprocating across a page. In a few years, when computers saturate classrooms, these crude writing instruments will go extinct.
- I wish farts were brightly colored instead of clear. Then inconsiderate people would think twice before cuddling one out in the elevator or while in line at the bank.
- Aircraft don’t just fly wherever they please. They fly on a network of “skyways.” How do pilots know when they’re on the skyway? There aren’t any lines or medians or street signs. And when they fly to England, do they have to jump to the other side of the skyway? Do the skyways have names like roadways? I wonder if there’s a Martin Luther King Boulevard in the sky somewhere, perhaps over Compton airspace.
- Some people lay poison around their property to kill invading insects. I’m more of a sportsman. I enjoy hunting insects with a nail gun. A cockroach will take 2 or three shots before he goes down, unless you score a headshot. Flying insects are a real challenge. I took a few potshots at a moth and disabled my garage door opener.
- When I study the works of Leonardo da Vinci, I don’t just feel stupid, I feel sub-human. How can one person be that brilliant? I hope God evened the score by giving him a tiny dick. Dago bastard.
- I’d like to play a joke on skydivers in which their ripcord was actually a party favor. They pull the cord and confetti explodes from a blast cap. For the reserve shoot, I’d like the cord to pull their pants down. If the joke is to be any good, you can’t let the little bastard die with his dignity.
OK, one more round...
I'm dreaming up another chautauqua. It's either going to be about the importance of faith, or an ode to the doughnut. I'm not sure. In the meantime, here are some more bullet-ins.